::welcome

Lorelai lay on her side on the bed in her parents’ pool house staring in to the happy, gurgling face of her nearly four month old son. He was oblivious to the fact that his mother’s heart had more or less been torn out of her chest for the past three weeks. He had been witness to more tears than she could count, he’d been hugged through sobbing jags during all hours of the night, and he had seen her pretty much fall apart every night. Yes, her baby boy had seen the absolute worst from his mother and he was still young enough to not even register it. Unfortunately for her and her pride, her meltdowns had not been contained to just her young son; her mother, her father, her daughter, Sookie, Sherry, Christopher, Gigi, Michel, Miss Patty, Babette, and Kirk had all witnessed her go a little further into the deep end at some point or another over the past three weeks.

Lifting her eyes she looked around the bedroom of the pool house and the mess it contained; it looked like her suitcase and Liam’s bag had exploded all over the room. Only her business outfits made it onto the backs of chairs so they wouldn’t get wrinkled and she could wear them to work, everything else was strewn across the floor or over the end of her bed. She hadn’t been in much mood to clean and to actually hang the clothing in the closet or put it away in drawers meant a sense of permanency but she couldn’t do that, not and keep her sanity. Putting away her things meant that she planned on staying there for a while, like when Rory got stuck in this very space in between her Yale stints, but doing that meant that what she had with Luke was beyond salvageable and Lorelai wasn’t ready to admit defeat yet.

But she also knew that she couldn’t live like this forever. Something had to give, be it her marriage to Luke or the fight they were currently in; Lorelai hoped beyond all hope it was the latter but she knew it would be one of the two regardless. A sense of resolve washed over her and she actually found herself sitting up in the bed and pushing her lackluster curls out of her face. She gained confidence and momentum as she got up, found a hair tie to pull her messy hair out of her face and pulled on a pair of tennis shoes. Changing her clothes proved to be too much of an effort though, so when she scooped up Liam and a small bag of necessities she’d assembled for him she was still wearing a pair of old jeans, a white tank top, and one of Luke’s blue flannel shirts she’d hijacked a long time ago to wear to bed.

After dropping her son off in the main house with her mother and father and explaining that she might not be back until morning but that she could also be back within a couple hours, Lorelai hopped into the jeep and took off for Stars Hollow. She’d unzipped her window and let the cool January air bite her cheeks despite her lack of coat to remind her to stay calm and not get lost in the broken record of the angry words they’d spit at one another replaying in the back of her mind. It was hard not listen to it though; she couldn’t believe that they’d stood there and hurt one another like that. It was ridiculous… they’d gotten married for goodness sake, didn’t that count for something? Shouldn’t that have meant that they were beyond getting into petty screaming matches in the middle of town events? That they were beyond trying to wound one another with words that would hit below the belt? When the answer in her own head was a sarcastic ‘Guess not’, Lorelai turned the volume up on her jeep as loud as it would go to drown her own thoughts out.

She arrived in front of Luke’s only to find it closed in the middle of the day on a Friday, a Friday of no particular consequence. Immediately thoughts of both her husband and her step-daughter’s safety flew through her mind so fast it took her breath away but when she got closer and inspected the sign on the door she let out a small sigh of relief because at least no one was in any immediate danger. Lorelai sat on the steps, feeling a little defeated. She knew he wasn’t in the house they’d shared, she’d gone to get clothes twice now but every time she went in the smell of stagnant air hit her and she knew no one had opened the door even remotely recently. She knew he wasn’t upstairs or Rory would have said something since her daughter was currently staying up their as well and that left Lorelai without any conceivable notion about where to find her husband.

Looking up and seeing the gazebo where they’d exchanged their vows nearly eight weeks prior made her heart hurt and tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. They’d been so happy then and their families had been happy for them… that was when it hit her; Liz. Liz would know where her brother and niece were. Lorelai scrambled back into the jeep and headed across town to Liz’s place where she knocked quietly on the door. She knew Doula was over a year old now but that didn’t mean the girl wasn’t napping or something and as a recent mother she knew how aggravating it could be to have someone else wake up a baby who had been sleeping. However the door swung open to reveal Liz with the sweet little girl on her hip and a questioning and slightly suspicious look on her face. Lorelai swallowed hard but managed to ask, “Where can I find Luke?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I… I want my husband back. I want Luke back. We need to talk.”

A smile spread across the other woman’s face as she leaned back into her house and shouted to her husband, “Hey Teej! Luke and Lorelai are gonna get back together! Huzzah!” An uninspiring “huzzah” echoed back from somewhere in the vicinity of the living room which apparently satisfied Liz because she turned back to Lorelai. “You know that hotel off of that street that dead ends off of that other street that is a left off of Peach? The one just outside of town? He’s there. Room two-oh-eight. Hey, I’ll pick April up from school so you guys can talk, okay?”

Lorelai inhaled deeply and forced a smile as she thanked her sister-in-law before heading once again back into her jeep. The hotel was easy enough to find despite Liz’s directions and she went straight up to the second floor and found the fourth door on her right, room 208. She raised her fist to knock when she felt a fresh wave of fear clench her stomach tightly making her feel sick to her stomach. Well, maybe it wasn’t the fear making her sick, but regardless she found herself suddenly dreading an end to this conversation that included calling lawyers to get their marriage dissolved. Divorcing Christopher had sucked because it was divorce, it was admitting she’d made a mistake, but divorcing Luke would probably crush her into tiny enough pieces that she doubted she would ever recover.

But the knowledge that there needed to be an end to this fight… separation… argument… whatever it was made her make her fist connect with the door once… twice… three times. Lowering her fist, Lorelai twisted the hem of the flannel in her fingers and prayed he was actually in the room and that he wouldn’t take one look through the peep hole and decide to ignore her.

Luke was a wreck. A complete and utter wreck. One that had been hit repeatedly by the wrecking ball that is a wife showing her interest in another man, and then crashed into by a crater of him realizing that interest. He'd always known that there were going to be some trials along the way. Never had he dreamt of a pot holeless road as a metaphor for their marriage, but he had thought it would at least last more then a month and would be stronger then one fight about a dance. A dance for crying out loud. And she'd gotten so upset over the dance, and then she'd said what she said and made it perfectly clear how wrong they were, and Luke's heart shattered into a billion pieces once again.

He'd ended up sitting in the gazebo for three hours just staring at the ground. And there weren't even ants on it or anything to make it interesting. Luke was just all alone with his thoughts. All alone with his pain and his thoughts that made the pain worse. He knew he had to leave Stars Hollow. He couldn't stay in the Twickham house. It was tainted. It was on the side with Christopher, Lorelai's other great sacrifice that she had to put up with. Well she didn't have to put up with it. If she wanted to move back to her old house with Christopher, then Luke certainly wasn't stopping her. If that was what she had wanted all along she could have just said so. She didn't have to lead Luke along like a lost puppy. She didn't have to make him think that he was the one. It was cruel. Just plain cruel. And Luke wanted nothing to do with it. He couldn't stay in the apartment above the diner. He'd given it to Jess, and Jess wasn't exactly the person he wanted to be spending this time with. Besides then he'd be in the middle of town. People could easily talk to him. And they would not be on his side. Luke was the loner, Lorelai was the outgoing one that everyone loved. Even his own daughter wouldn't see his side to this. She wouldn't see how much Lorelai's comment had stabbed him. She wouldn't see why this couldn't go on. Why Luke couldn't stay in town where everything reminded him of Lorelai. Where looking at anything hurt. So he had to leave. Not that he particularly cared who's side the town was on. It didn't matter. He knew what he felt and what everyone else felt about didn't matter. Otherwise April would probably have been able to wear him down.

He had of course taken April over to Liz's. No sense dragging her into it. None of it had anything to do with her. She'd protested it, and brought up Anna's death and complained, but he'd managed to drop her off anyway. If only he hadn't gone back fifteen minutes later. She was frightfully good at making Luke feel guilty about things. It was a skill that Luke had learned to despise. Still at least this way he knew that she wasn't hanging with any guys. It did make leaving a tad difficult since she still had to go to school though. He had to stay close enough to make the commute back and forth each day. Even his failing marriage wasn't enough to cause him to let April stay home. Not that she'd wanted too. She did need to learn more about sciences. But her education was more important than Luke's despair, so he resigned to the arduous task of driving her to school each day no matter how far away they were.

He'd started getting into a regular routine. He'd go to a hotel. Stay there. Listen to April telling him that he was wrong. Drop her off to school. Fish. Fish some more. If there was no place to fish then he'd just sit on the couch and imagine that he was somewhere else fishing. If he had a rod that could take it, he'd probably fish in the bathtub if he had to, or possibly a puddle outside. He didn't care. He'd lost the one thing he'd cared the most about over something as trivial as a dance, to his arch nemesis. By her choice. Why should he care about anything? Liz had of course told him that he should talk it out. But Luke didn't want to talk. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to fish and find a hotel that he didn't utterly despise. They were either completely wretched, or worse they weren't and therefore reminded Luke of Lorelai and the Dragonfly. Why couldn't have Lorelai been a cobbler or something? Then again, Luke wasn't sure he could go three weeks without shoes.

The diner had been closed throughout the entire fight. Luke sometimes wondered how Kirk had survived this period, but he had confidence that the guy would find a way. Luke wouldn't even be surprised if he came back to town to drop April off one day and found that Kirk had opened up his own diner. Probably called something ridiculous, like Kirk's. He just didn't feel like cooking. Besides even if he did, the food would probably taste awful like when he'd attempted to keep in business after their first break up. So he'd just left it closed. It was easier that way. He just wished that Lorelai hadn't tainted Stars Hollow. It was the only home he'd ever known and he frankly didn't think he'd ever be comfortable anywhere else. He didn't think he truly belonged anywhere else.

But he wasn't complaining about that. He was just complaining about everything else. The cities too full of smog. The pattern on the beds is enough to drive anyone insane. The noise is enough to make a deaf guy cover his ears. It was a wonder April hadn't begged to go back to Liz's yet, what with the way they seemed to be switching hotels twice a day. She was a good kid. Luke had to give her that. Luke had only bothered telling Liz where they were, but he reckoned he'd probably stop that soon. The phone bill she was ringing up was costing a fortune. He'd probably have to start renting an apartment soon if nothing changed, but he didn't want to do the paperwork, and if he wasn't living in a place for too long he could always pretend he had just gone on a trip and his marriage wasn't failing, and eventually he'd go back and everything would be fine. Lorelai would like the house again. Christopher wouldn't be brought into every argument. Who was he kidding?

That morning, Luke rolled out of bed that he hadn't really slept much in. He changed from the plaid he had slept in, into some plaid that had been lying around all over the place, then he'd dropped April off and headed back to the hotel. After the second try he remembered which one they had ended up in and then just sat on the couch staring into the distance. He wondered what Lorelai was up to then. But he shook that thought out of his head, afraid of the answer he might get from his mind especially if it involved Christophe and champagne. He'd get by. He'd figure something out. And eventually enough days would go by that it would stop hurting, and he'd stop having to remind himself to do little things like eat or breath. Eventually he wouldn't have to remind himself to live. Then everything else would fall back into it's sad state of affairs and Luke would find contentment. Seriously, who was he kidding?

Then there was a knock at the door. At first Luke dismissed it. No one would come looking for him here. At this hotel. That he had already started to despise. What kind of an idiot decides to paint hotel walls yellow? Yellow. It was wrong on so many levels. Then a hesitant knock resounded again. Who on earth could that be? Now naturally his heart wanted to leap up and shout LORELAI come to apologize and tell Luke that he was the only guy for her, but that was ludicrous. A fantasy. And even if it was Luke wasn't sure he was ready to accept her apology, or tearing into him and ripping him to shreds again, whatever it was. He was still upset. He was still angry. He still had no idea where they were going or what they were going to do about this entire situation. The word divorce that he couldn't knock out of his head kept ringing from ear to ear to the point he would want to hit his head with a hammer if it would help knock that stupid word out. He just didn't know what to do.

Luke begrudgingly got up, he didn't bother to check his unkempt bloodshot appearance. If it was the management and they wanted to throw him out, so be it. This place had yellow walls for crying out loud. He answered the door slowly to find two of the prettiest blue eyes he'd ever encountered staring back at him. So he just stood there, flabbergasted that after all this time she'd finally decided to come around. How had she even found him? Lorelai. Wearing his shirt. Luke had no idea what to make of that. "Come in." He said simply, opening the door widely enough for her to get past. He couldn't believe that they were going to do whatever it was that they were going to do in a room with yellow walls. It was unfathomable, but something in Luke's gut told him that despite the wall color, today they would come to a resolution, and that thought frightened him to no end.

The door finally swung open and Lorelai found herself face-to-face with a rather disheveled and surprised Luke Danes. For a brief moment she could recognize the feeling in the back of her mind that she was actually almost glad that he looked as miserable as she did; his eyes were bloodshot like he hadn’t been sleeping, he was thin and almost pasty looking like he wasn’t eating well, and his usual stubble looked a little more untamed than usual. And she knew she looked just as bad as he did. She slept fitfully and got little rest from the sleep she did get, she showered only to not smell and took no pleasure in actually primping, and she had no appetite for food. In some perverse way she was fractionally relieved that he wasn’t happy with the separation they’d been enduring for twenty days… twenty long days without speaking or finishing what the argument had started.

For a moment as she stood on the other side of the threshold from the man she’d intended to spend every waking moment of the rest of her natural life trying to be with, Lorelai wondered if he was going to shut the door in her face or tell her to get lost. It wouldn’t be the first time he hadn’t instantly forgiven her for something she’d done, intentional or not, and suddenly she had a flash of a memory of the two of them standing in the middle of the streets of Stars Hollow telling one another to ‘go to hell’. Her stomach clenched painfully and she knew that if she had eaten anything at all recently that it would have come back up; she didn’t want to scream obscenities to her husband. Looking at him and seeing him as miserable as she was just made her want to wrap her arms around him and beg him to forgive her just so they didn’t have to feel this way anymore. She clenched her hands at her sides, digging her nails into her palms, to remind herself that there were issues that needed to be dealt with or they would keep coming up and Lorelai knew she couldn’t handle another separation like this.

She was visibly relieved when he made room for her to pass into his hotel room, which after a quick glance around she noticed it looked suspiciously similar to her bedroom in the pool house. Lorelai suspected that having a child with him that could actually do a little bit of tidying helped his situation and probably made hers a little worse since Liam had just as much stuff as April did but lacked the ability to clean up after himself. The walls were deceptively bright, trying to give off a cheerful vibe that only served to have the opposite effect on Lorelai. Her throat tightened around a sizeable lump as she was reminded that her husband had been living like this, in places like this for weeks, that it had taken this long for one of them to break down and seek the other one out. That simple fact hurt so much it was almost like a physical blow to the gut and hurt enough that she had to actually cross her arms across her stomach to remind herself that the ache was purely mental, that she hadn’t actually been touched.

A silent moment or two after the door had been clicked shut, Lorelai turned to look Luke in the face again, to make at least one connection with him in the current moment. It was hard to get the words to actually cross her lips as that little voice in the back of her mind reminded her that whatever went on in the room with him today could be the end, that she really could wind up alone since he was it for her, he was The One. She didn’t want to have to end the marriage she’d been wanting so desperately for more than two years, the marriage that she’d tried to mimic when she couldn’t have the real thing. But she had to at least mentally acknowledge the fact that it wasn’t just about what she wanted… a divorce could very well be what Luke had in mind if he came to the conclusion that she wasn’t worth the trouble she almost constantly brought into his life.

“Luke… I…” Lorelai started, trailing off as she felt herself choke up a little. She didn’t want to cry, not yet at least, because she knew he didn’t deal well with the crying thing and they had to get through this for better or for worse. That thought was ironic in and of itself considering that was what they’d promised one another two months ago when they’d stood under the chuppah and said their vows in front of family and friends. They’d promised each other that they would love one another through sickness and heath, for richer and for poorer, and for better or for worse. Technically she hadn’t broken her vows; she still loved him so much that sometimes she feared she would literally drown in her feelings for him, like they would engulf her so completely that she wouldn’t be able to breathe. She still loved him through all of that but as Patty Smyth and Don Henley once said, sometimes love just ain’t enough… though Lorelai could hope that they were wrong.

“I can’t do this fighting thing anymore,” she whispered after another moment spent wrangling in her emotions and holding them tight inside so they couldn’t escape and make her a blithering, sobbing idiot right in front of him. “In six short weeks you spoiled me. I can’t sleep when you’re not next to me. I can hardly eat. I’m not bright or vivacious. I don’t love life when you’re not in it.” And she knew without a doubt that her appearance could attest to that well enough. “I love you, Luke. More than anything in the entire world, but you and I have issues we need to work out or we’re never going to move past this one stupid fight… we’ll keep having it over and over until one of us completely loses it and does something really stupid.”

Well she certainly entered. Luke wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign. On one hand he had said Come in, but on the other hand, the fact that she had come in could possibly mean that she thought this was going to turn ugly and didn't want to be yelling out in the hall. But he had invited her. And she was in his messy hotel room, or well the hotels hotel room that he had made messy. It wasn't his. He didn't want it. It was messy. In a moment of retrospect Luke realized that maybe it would have been better if she didn't see it at all. But she was here already, and in second retrospect, retrospect doesn't ever do anyone any good.

What was she doing here anyway? Didn't she know that he had no desire to talk about it? About anything really, but out of all of the anythings this was the anything he did not wish to talk about the most. If they talked about it then Luke knew full well what would be coming, and it had been hard enough with Nicole. The possibilities of what could happen with this whatever it was had been growing steadily worse as each day went by. At first they had been fantasies of Lorelai falling at his feet crying and exclaiming Chris is so mean! I hate him so much! Please come back! And fix me coffee! I love you! Chris stinks, or something much less juvenile and more Lorelai esque, but as the weeks dragged on the scenario began changing little by little until the point that it had become a full fledged nightmare of Lorelai walking in and asking how much Luke wanted for the diner because she and Chris wanted to start a romantic spa in that location that they could enjoy while their kids, Christy, Christian, Christopher II, Christine, Chrisantha, and Christal, went and sat on Grandpa Taylors knees, sucking candy until their teeth fell out, and Luke falling down and dying over the entire horrifying scenario, and over how stupid a name like Chrisantha was. He didn't even think his diner could get that kind of plumbing.

The entire situation ahead of them filled him with complete and utter dread. As long as they didn't talk about it, he could pretend that the scenarios were all completely insane and derived from sleepless nights and mindlessly boring days filled with nothing truly meaningful anymore, and that everything would work itself out eventually. But Lorelai was here now. He couldn't pretend anymore. Whatever was about to happen was about to happen now. So soon. They hadn't been married for very long and already the whole love until whatever thing had flown out the window. It had always been Christopher. Always. He always came up when he wasn't supposed to. Always. Luke just couldn't believe he'd been so blind for so long. He couldn't believe how much he'd fooled himself. Of course she'd miss him and pine for his 'friendship' Luke should have seen that with oh let's see, HER TWO KIDS WITH THE GUY. Luke was a moron. That's what it was, he was a total and complete moron. No wonder he was hurting so much right now. He probably deserved it for being such a moron. He just didn't know why Lorelai had bothered to string him around for so long? Had she no heart? Of course not. Chris had it.

Luke wanted to tell her that the dance hadn't mattered. That he would be willing to go to any dance with her and be happy about it because he was with her. But he couldn't tell her that. It didn't matter anymore. She'd brought up Christopher unwarranted and now everything was perfectly clear in Luke's head. Except for why Lorelai was wearing his shirt. That seemed cruel. And confusing. Then Lorelai started speaking. She looked like she was about to cry. Luke got it. It was hard to hurt people. He waited for the words, but they did not come. Instead she began talking about how much she loved him and wanted him back. Well that was certainly a curveball if Luke had ever heard them. But unfortunately the nasty voice in his head, the one that had been slowly eating him bit by bit rang in with resonance Lorelai's stringing you along again. You know what she said. She wouldn't have said that if what you think isn't true. She wouldn't have mentioned him. She wouldn't have put down the house. Don't fall for it again Luke. Don't step into that mouse trap again. Luke didn't want to. But he listened anyway.

He listened to the rest of her spiel. Before one of them did something really stupid? In his mind it was too late for that. He'd done something really stupid. He'd believed for a moment that he could have the girl of his dreams, that he could have her and she could love him and not want some other guy and talk about how much of a sacrifice losing him was at any given instance. She looked like she was going to cry. Luke wanted to hold her, and tell her that it would be alright. No, that's practically surrendering and wouldn't help resolve matters at all. He didn't know what to say now. Yes they did have issues to work out. But the issues weren't going to be worked out. They would just be tossed into the air and stay unworked out while she and Chris eloped to Italy and rode in those ridiculous boats. As soon as the issues were brought up, Luke had a feeling that all would be lost. So he just stood there looking lost, and finally said 'Fine. Which issue would you like to bring up first?' But in his heart he knew the answer already.

The ‘fine’ Luke threw at her made Lorelai cringe slightly and her stomach churned from its almost callous tone. A quick glance up at his face told her that he wasn’t acting like this to be cruel, that he wasn’t talking like this to cut her, but that he was genuinely hurting just as much as she was and it was coming out the one of the only ways Luke knew how to express himself. But however unpleasant she found the situation to be, she was at least mildly grateful that he didn’t feel as though she had cornered him or something or she knew she would be experiencing a much different side of her husband… one that generally involved lots of yelling and wild arm gestures. She chewed on the inside of her lip for a moment, trying to find the courage to say what she wanted to say, what she needed to say to finally get her life back on track.

Lorelai knew exactly what he expected her to bring up first, which was why she suspected he’d phrased his response that way. However, she could see around that little mind game. If she brought up the one thing that she knew was really bothering him above everything else, the thorn in his side that was infecting the harmony of their relationship, then he would once again accuse her of having Christopher on the brain. Try as she might to wrap her mind around his insecurities regarding her childhood friend and admittedly ex-husband, Lorelai failed to understand why he couldn’t just see that he was the one that she’d chosen, not Christopher. She’d had Chris and if she’d wanted him then she certainly could have kept him… but she didn’t. Of her own free will, not expecting to be forgiven by Luke for any of the past nine months of indiscretions, she’d asked Chris for a divorce back in February because no matter what he’d thought of her she knew she would always love the man who’d fixed her porch railing countless number of times and served her coffee even though he adamantly insisted it would rot her from the inside out.

“The house,” Lorelai almost whispered, still staring at her shoes. It took her another moment to find the strength to confront her husband, possibly starting yet another fight that would probably sap her of more energy than she was willing to admit. She finally lifted her face and looked Luke in the eye. “I want to talk about the house. When I said giving up the Crap Shack had been a sacrifice I did not mean to take away from the house we share… the house we will raise our family in. I love that house, Luke. I love that we have a place we can say is ours. Not mine first or yours first, but ours. The only thing I meant by saying it was a sacrifice was that moving out of the Crap Shack was a big deal for me because it was the first real home I was able to give to Rory. But no matter how hard it was, I would do it again in a heartbeat.” She went quiet for a moment, swallowing past the lump that was starting to form in the back of her throat, before she continued quietly. “I’m selling the Crap Shack, Luke. I’ve already spoken to a realtor and the banks… it’s a done deal.”

That had been a painful phone call; she didn’t want to carry around the dead weight of her past in the form of a house no one was going to live in but it still hurt just a little inside to think that someone was going to paint over the markings on the inside of the closet door where she’d started measuring Rory the day they’d moved in. It sucked that someone would probably take down the wallpaper in her daughter’s old room and then paint it some other color and put other pictures on the mantle. But it was a necessary move in the right direction, that much she knew, no matter what the outcome of her current conversation was. If, God forbid, they did walk out of that hotel room that afternoon and decide that a divorce was in their future then she still knew it was the right move because no matter how hard one tries, life only goes forward and there is no sense in lingering in the past.

Feeling antsy, Lorelai uncrossed and re-crossed her arms the other way and she sniffed back the tears she would not let fall. “I went first. Now it’s your turn. I know you have some deep seated issues with me… let’s hear your first one.”