It been so long, hasn’t it? We’ve really got to stop meeting like this! And you all thought you got rid of me too.. Never fear though, your one and only source to all that’s
bad in Ashwick Valley has finally returned from her Caribbean retreat to do what she does best, offend. Even outside of the country, I see everything, so to those of you thinking you’d get away with anything.. THINK AGAIN. It’s time to take off those knock off bikinis and get dressed in your best prep school chic. Mama’s got her reading glasses on, which can only mean one thing – class is in session. Don’t think of it as shade, think of it as constructive criticism on how you can improve your trifle lives. Shall we begin?
No, that’s not Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, as much as the resemblance is uncanny and her planned parenthood records at the clinic would prove otherwise.. that’s actually Raquel Inman, if the name rings any bells.
Nadya or Raquel.. whichever name you prefer, has found herself in quite the wonderful predicament of every young slut these days. Unfortunately, she isn't starring in a string of adult films, as much as that would bring some importance toward her name.. and would actually cause me to care for her outside of her horrid sense of being. Poor Rocky seems to think we've all forgotten about her stint with roommate/father of her dead baby, Marco Devine. And you know, I only say stint because the amount of time they were together actually added up to the estimated time it would have taken him to ejaculate on her face instead of inside her disheveled ladyparts. It's kind of a shame though that she seems to have thought that we don't notice just how close she may be getting with the hobo despite the fact she already has a boyfriend. And don't think Greg won't finally realize just how much attention you'd rather be giving some washed up never-been musician named... well I don't really care to know his name but let's just call him Saddam Noname. If any of my loyal readers out there happen to know Saddam, just know he is not only a TERRORIST for contributing to the creation of horrible music, he is on the verge of tearing apart a relationship.. and i couldn't love it any more than I do.
-- Moving on from no baby to what I'd like to refer to as Monstrous Mother's Monthly, I would personally like to give a shout out to all those atrocious mothers out there. The quote on quote "ratchet" ladies to appeal to some of our uneducated readers out there. These are the women will put themselves first before their children and no matter what will always think of their men as if they're some kind of god. Wake up bitches, stop smelling the roses, stop thinking with your ransacked vaginas for once.
Imani Wate must be in heaven. Not only has she ditched poor ol' Ryan after the two got hitched in in Miami, but she also got a little pay back by sleeping with good
friend fuck Jayden Prince, who I might add will be featured quite a bit in this feature for all his dickly adventures. But back on topic.. Wow Imani, talk about getting a spine a year and a half later. Ryan sleeps with your best friends and you don't bat an eyelash, you get married and all of the sudden you get balls. And you must be working on baby number 2 so soon, huh? What would Ryan say if he found out you were harvesting another guy's kid?
And speaking on numbers, I'm pretty sure cum dumpster Briana Bahe is on her eighteenth kid. Chances are she's addicted to them, probably got that spunk on tap. I wouldn't be surprised, 'cause with a nasty husband like hers, the only way she'd get pregnant would be artificial insemination. He's off fucking other people, she pumps out the next generation of whores. Oh well, at least Lex's sworn rival Ian Wate is around. Seems like he's got something on with flappyvag, probably compensating for the fact that Kailey Desousa-Wate can't have babies by stealing some of the carspawn. Maybe they'll need a daddy, though, since Lex was spotted with the popo last week. Word on the street is he tried to get a group of minors to sleep with him. Perfect daddy material? Nice choice, Bri.
Sophie Wood.. I don't know who the fuck this girl is, but she must really enjoy a nice dick because the girl has to be twelve and already with child. I tried finding more dirt on her, but apparently she's so nonexistent, there was no one to comment. I'd ask all the fellow readers to send in something real juicy about her like a sextape, photos, sext messages, but that'd be against the law and the last thing I need is the authorities on my ass. Inside me, maybe. on top of me, hell yes! following me.. aha no.
Moving on from one loser to a flop, we've finally reached James Acosta. You would've thought that her decline into irrelevancy would go the desperate route, ala LiLoh, but apparently the fall from stardom has not only knocked her off her hustle, it's knocked her up with a baby.. by our future coverboy, Jayden Prince.
In senile and in need of a desperate diaper change news, Maxwell the Menace has managed to yet again skirt around another prison sentence. My sources tell me he got into yet another fight at Walmart, fueled by strippers, kush, and booze (no surprise there) and the influence of none other than his retard friends, Andy Lancaster, Chet Sullivan, and Keegan Parrish. And if that's not classy enough, rumor has it they all targeted some poor, innocent elderly Greek immigrant, Benjamin Zouvelekis, for no reason other than pure hate... Even smashed his face into the sidewalk and left him for dead. I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure this constitutes a hate crime (Click here for the story of how they pummeled prominent Jewish attorney Ethan Schwarz into a coma with a coconut. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe if the AVPD were at all competent in their jobs, these violent, racist, anti-semites would be off the street for good...). I don't know about the other three, but isn't Mr. Sheridan still on probation for getting his ass beat in some bar fight earlier this year? Why hasn't he been locked up like the animal he is? Seriously, if avoiding prison was an olympic sport his crusty hoodrat ass would win the gold, no doubt. Ugh. And Marlene, if you're reading this (and don't act like you aren't), control your man!
Speaking of felons, it looks like Salvatore Gotti is still walking free. Now, let’s get a few things out of the way. Dude looks evil as shit. He looks like that guy who sits around smoking cigars with Dick Cheney and makes jokes about the death toll in Iraq while stoking the fire with his used up Vietnamese child prostitutes. He looks like George Harrison's greasy little brother and generally does not embody my or anybody's notion of a "stand up fella" by pretty much any standards I can fathom with except for the fact that he completely went for the gold and told the world to suck his soggy old Italian beef when his girlfriend Braelyn St. James tried to cross him and ended up getting whacked. That's right, you heard it here first. Butterface St. James is sleeping with the fishes at the bottom of the Ashwick Bay Marshlands like the worthless bottom feeder she is. Now don't get me wrong, I think Sal did the world a favor by ridding the world of another boring, rich, talentless white girl, but let's be logical here. This whole Brae thing probably didn't pop his "first degree murder cherry." The man's a danger to society and y'all need to step your game up and get your torches and pitchforks on him before our little Fisher Price Michael Corleone strikes again. That's right, I'm looking at you, Yasmin Summers. You better run for the hills, bitch! You know, I hear that neurotic Jew friend of his is desperately single after his wife turned lesbo (and who can blame her...) You're probably better off with that one. I'm sure he'd let a moderately good looking shikseh girl like you shtup his putz any day.
For some reason our senior citizens just can't seem to behave, but whatever... I guess we'll humor them with the attention they so desperately crave.
It's generally accepted wisdom that with old age comes wisdom... Unless you're Vincent or Dixie Sullivan. Much like undisciplined toddlers, this father-daughter duo have obviously been treading on the perimeter of what they can get away with. That’s risk taking behavior, which can manifest in stupidity like drunk driving... Which is exactly what happened, apparently! According to witnesses, the sloppy ginger had a little too much to drink and veered off the road, flipping the truck right outside of the old fart's farm field. You would think they would know better than to drink and drive, being collectively like four hundred years old...
Let's move on to Ashwick's biggest MILF. Mrs. Sheridan, was caught bending over for that cute math teacher, Mr. Mallory in the art supply closet at school. Not that I can blame her... It's kind of obvious that her husband is a self loathing queer that was overcompensating for the fact that he deeply desires to be anonymously sucked off through men's room partitions in grimy locales by girly haired strangers... Or his butt buddy Andrew Lancaster... That all he knows how to do anymore is drink and get into fights like the glorified neanderthal he is. But, I digress. I'm not even hating, it's about time the woman got hers! But I'm not so sure her fat sack of shit husband was ever quite informed. Oopsie!
While we're on the subject of marital issues nobody cares about, though, can we talk about Keegan Parrish and that crunchy haired ho, Bonnie Leveque? Unlike his perverted compulsive masturbator of a son, Jasper, it looks like Mr. Parrish's got a bad case of whiskey dick, and the only cure is more Cialis! That's right, a little bird told me he saw Mr. Parrish picking up a certain prescription at the local CVS Pharmacy. Apparently he couldn't get it up for the, uh, ex-Missus. If you really want to open up that can of worms and screw around with your mentally unstable ex-wife, Limp Dick Parrish, I suggest taping a toothbrush to the bottom of your dick, almost like a brace. Works like a charm, and is much less obvious, Sweetheart.
Speaking of sexual inadequacies, though, lmfao @ James O'Shea's entire life. There’s a real jes ne sais quois about a fairly attractive, fairly successful, fairly stand up guy who can't get laid. In all fairness, his deadbeat brother bunking on his couch and stinking up the entire house is the ultimate cockblock, but this poor son of a bitch is a failure after a failure after a failure. Then again, I heard he hired a hooker to tie him up and shit on his chest. Nothing against "alternative lifestyle choices" but that might have
a lot everything to do with your dryspell, Mr. O'Shea.
-- Close Your Legs, You Dirty Bitch: You know, after setting up shop in Ashwick, you really start to realize just how screwy the town really is.. and I mean that in every since of the literal word. It's filled with all of our favorite whores like my personal fave, Julissa Gotti! Jag has finally returned to reclaim her throne, secretly of course, considering she seems to be shacked up with Eminem reject who I'm assuming from sources is employed by Pizza Hut, Foot Locker, some place at the local mall.. Well anyway, our boo Jag has been dipping her foot into the lez pool, hooking up with multiple women around town like Lyric Gray after leaving Parallel Universe (which I happened to get security footage of!). But an even bigger bombshell which I'm sure won't quite sit right with her beau is fact she slept with his best friend and her longtime crush, Roman Pierce. And I thought you were settling down, honey! haha.
From the Queen of the Whores to the next in line to steal the crown, i've been hearing quite a lot about this girl.. Jasmine Hydes, have you heard of her? Well anyway, apparently her vagina is some kind of otherworldly contraption because guys are steadily probing her waffle from the sun and back. Ms. Hydes is acquainting herself to every thug on the DL and young, tattooed hipster owning a pair of jordan sneakers and a snapback cap, so much that her sexual encounters have become verb territory. So the next time you're hooking up with this whore, you better make sure to get yourself checked, and checked twice. There is no medication in this world that would make that kind of burning go away.
And where the hell did Dixie Sullivan come from? Out of fucking nowhere, that's where. Apparently she's part of that obnoxious Sullivan bunch but I have to give her props for making the rounds... Evidently sixty something year old fire crotches are all the rage nowadays, at least to Ava Brooks and Dori Sophia. I hear she's a sloppy drunk, the right type to pass out with her beaver splayed all over the place like a Wendy's Baconator in the Hasslehoff mansion. I look forward to seeing her make many more bad decisions and look old and barfy passed out in any array of new locales.
So I hear this Ava Brooks girl is almost as bad as that Jasmine Hydes. Word out on the street is the girl has been linked with Indio West-Ausburn, who is on a league all on his own, and a few other men who seemed to be spending a little too much time trying to find the little man on the boat. In fact, I can honestly say that this town is breeding breeders of a different kind, if you get what I mean.
In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not legal when you’re having sex with a seventeen year old. Yes, I’m talking to that gutter trash Camille Alvarez who just happens to be riding Silas Latimore, which compared to what the others are doing seem pretty vanilla, if not for the fact that dear Silas is no more than seventeen years old, while she eighteen. In the eyes of our non-existent police force, that’s rape, and I’m pretty sure anyone who is reading this knows by now what’s been happening at the Sunview Townhouses. Does she even have a green card? Can we look into that, please?
I mean really though… what is up with all the cougars in this town and the cubs who go after them? Really, Jayden Prince, tell me what is it, because I know for a fact that my muffin is moist and delicious, unlike Mardi’s, which are dry and tasteless. But hey, I guess he goes for the aged stuff, right? Now, now, we all can’t be judgmental. Don’t think of it as Mardi robbing the cradle, just think of it as Jayden robbing the grave.
And now coming to the loner corner, it’s just you and your hand tonight, Shannen Tyson, or maybe not after all? Come on, you know I would know by now that a certain shop in town is missing a mechanic after going on a wild booty chase though even before then this boy had been getting trains ran in him more than Grand Central Station at lunch hour. Leave some for us, while ya?
You know, for someone named Honor, she sure doesn’t have the will to uphold hers. She’s been linked to many names in the past, nothing that’s interesting or important enough to put in here, although just like her man whore brother, she gets around more than a hand towel in an Olive Garden bathroom. Why couldn’t her parents just name her something fitting, like Syphalinda.
Last and certainly least, let’s talk about Julissa and her fall from grace. Girl was the gift that just kept on giving, but lately her boring ass keeps getting spotted with one guy and just one guy only, so unfortunately there is nothing else to talk about, other than the fact that I as your queen, am demoting you from town slut to just slut. Congratulations, the sell by date on your vagina has long passed.
Why does this fucker get his own little section? Because he’s a druggie, a man whore and a bad son all rolled up in one skinny mess. Meet Indio West-Ausburn, [/color] the so called son of those two queers who live on that big house in the town. Somehow baby boy thinks he can move out and forget his parents while at the same time having both his hands up Emilia and Ava’s shorts. We all know how that ended up though, right? This debacle that I knew would happen turned out just exactly how I thought it would, and now he’s got nothing. I guess now would be a good time to pop a bottle of them pills you try to hide from everyone, right? Didn’t you make a promise to one of the girls about them? What about your parents? I guess they all know now. Oopsie!
I guess I should get to the part of this thing where we pay attention to the ultra sad people that should just kill themselves. Of course, you cannot talk about anyone killing themselves without mentioning Jude Lawson. The girl is a hot mess—she claims to be some virgin lesbian, and I knew I wasn’t the only one who laughed when I found out that her parents disowned her after she came out to them. Now she’s off, eating carpet with one Eliana Barrios. Girls, girls, girls… didn’t you know lezzing out is the number one killer of female humor, fashion sense and the ability to put on eyeliner.
I guess having your soon to be mother in law trying to break up yours and her son’s love life can take its toll on you. Even to the point where he splits up with you and you just stand there like a useless lump. Only a useless lump wouldn’t go on this ‘woe is me’ depressed status and cut themselves silly. Yes, I’m talking to you, Aria. Now we know you and Damien are back together for now, but does he know you slept with Jasmine? Don’t let that razor get too far now.
If someone fucked up your sister, I guess you’d be mad too. Poor Michaela … bound, shot in the knee yet somehow she just sucks her captor’s cock. I knew I would have taken a bite out of something. Although now we have brother Mason trying to be all that, thinking he’s going to kill someone. Where were you in the first place though?
Now you really didn’t think you can keep Derrick on the gay side, didn’t you, Troy? We all know the college male type—experiment for a while but I guess he got tired of cleaning shit off his dick. Accept it with dignity and move on.
I guess I would want to just die too, if I was pretty much used up by someone who was older than me. Then again, I’m no Chelsea Dagger. Why would a little girl want to get pregnant right away when she has her whole life ahead of her to suck dicks and get roofied like everyone else in this town? Really, don’t you have any brains in that fire crotch head of yours?
Meet notorious p-u-s, aka Janelle. Girl cannot hold onto a man for long, I guess she thinks she needs to hold onto her so called best friend Ryan. Ever since she got left out by her baby daddy, she has been jocking on him more than his own wife… who cheated on him. Well guess what, kitty can play too, though. Yeah, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who saw him eat Deliyah’s face, that wasn’t any kiss, that was some Silence of the Lambs style face eating.
In pedophile news, Malcolm Vitale is apparently laying low after ruining his life/beating up that underaged punani à la Evie Sheridan and proceeding then to hulksmash her daddy's face in... On his own property! Ha! Pretty character defining move there, Mr. Vitale. Something tells me you're in for a real shit sandwich buffet if you're not extremely careful. Marlene may be packin' heat, but I wouldn't put it above that psycho bitch to blackmail the fuck out of your big ass as well. Time to lawyer up, asshole... As for Sassypants Sheridan, well, we just hope she comes to realize that no snatch is tight enough to make a grown man willingly go without sex for a year.
I'd like to put out a special suicide watch for our very on Harper McKinley. Poor girl. She knows she’s lost that baby, and for some weird reason Marcus has left her for New York. Those Jersey hookers must be all over him, and we all know they can’t get pregnant. I guess that’s why shes been getting awfully close and chummy with Roman these days. Take the equation, barely pregnant woman on hormones, baby daddy is away and another man added to the picture? You know shes fucking him.
-- So it's time for a little game- I call it 'Who's the most annoying couple in Ashwick!?' We've got several nauseating candidates, so let's start with Dylan Meraz and Eliana Barrios, shall we? So, they finally got their fucking Mexican act together, after screwing around in each other's beds for eternity and professed their utter 'love' for each other.. Just for Eliana to go screw around with Jude Lawson. Like I said earlier, turns out the nasty bitch is practically in love with her best friend. Mmm, that's a threesome that I'd love to witness! Hehe, but Dylan isn't so eager. I always knew the guy was a nasty piece of work, and now he's going around shanking his sister's boyfriend. His ass is locked up in jail now, so don't worry about locking your doors. I'm sure El is making good use of her time without her beau to cry into Jude's titties.
Dmitri Birch & Virginia Kennedy are the next on my list, and probably just as, if not more, insufferable than the Mexican love triangle above. Seriously, if there was a book written about these two, it'd be a fandom for preteens. If you haven't been caught in tune with this, how couldn't you? The two claim to be 'best friends', but with the Russian fag fucking all the Christian out of little miss Kennedy, I'm pretty sure we can all see through that. Or at least, we will when that stomach starts showing. I heard from the man himself that while he had his head up that skank's taco, he saw something more than just her meet. Oopsy! What would daddy say, Miss Jesus-Loves-Me? Or, better yet, what will your little sister say? I'm sure she'll be heartbroken and all, since my sources tell me that Dmitri has been getting it on with her too. I wouldn't blame him: She's way better looking than you, hun. I know you're doing that whole 'OH I LOVE YOU BUT I'M SCARED' bullshit that makes everyone want to vomit all over your Wal-Mart own brand crocs, but look how quickly the blonde manwhore got over his last girlfriend.
So, is it me or is Devin King forever going to be the saddest bitch in Ashwick? After all her boohoo woe is me shit for the four years of single life we've had to endure from her, she's gone and copied every other desperate chick in this town. Yes, that's right, she's hooked up with her best friend, Tahj Rivera. They're telling everyone he confessed his feelings and she followed suit, but my sources claim that she practically blackmailed him into it. We all know how this works- just take a leaf from Virginia Mary Kennedy up there. Fuck a guy til he says the 'L' word. Seems to work every time for them, doesn't it? Especially when there's a kid around. I bet she's in a club with the likes of Aerie Matthews and Maeve Radley, the 'Single Despairing Horny Moms Club' or something. I don't know, maybe he looks like Devin's ex or something, I don't see the attraction in that ugly motherfucker. Here's hoping that she won't start screaming her dead ex's name while they're doing the nasty.. That'd be awkward, 'cause I heard she's got the kid calling him daddy already.
Blah blah blah, and from the mindlessly plagiarised plot of I'll Only Love You til Forever to something equally tiresome, we'd better swing the limelight onto Tristan Campos and Tiffany King of course how can we forget these two? I'm sure by now we all know that Tiffany is a sick, self harming fuck. She cuts, ladies and gents. What a freak, eww! Emo was so 2005, girl. But I guess I would be emotional too if I found out that my man is some kind of sex freak; its true, oh yes its true! Hes been sleeping with Lola and about everyone else when he's supposedly in "boxing practice." Oh hes fisting something, alright.
As if Ashwick needed their very own white trash Sid and Nancy, it appears that our resident greasy chipmunk, Avery Parrish and juggalo jizzbox ex-con, Nolan Hulse have finally become official. She’s also obviously desperately insecure and starved for validation, and as the spawn of two of the most attention seeking dipshits in town she’s probably about a thousand times as clamorous for approval. This is a recipe for a beej the likes of which haven’t been seen on this mortal coil in generations and if Mr. Hulse is the desperate sack of shit that’s willing to supply some much needed lovin' to attention seeking little girls with daddy issues up the ying yang... Well, bro, you’re in for a hell of a ride...
-- Family Time: So with the biggest family with loosest mom, comes the greatest gossip, I could only guess. We all know the drama between Ryan and Imani, those two just keep on fighting like a married couple—oh oops! Both of them are cheating on each other left and right which leads me to think—are they even fit parents? Is there anyone in that family that has got the smarts enough to even try and help them out, at least the kids? Come on everyone, lets get child protective services in there and take them away. Probably not though. At least we know for sure Landon isn’t one of them. The stupid muscle head has gone and brought in some psycho bitch, De’Jae, who will kill every infant in that house if she doesn’t get her way.
Oh, we can’t forget about the Cohens. This little family is more fucked up than you think, compared to them, the Wates are like the Brady Bunch. We all know by now how Chris cheated on Vivi with Jay a while ago, and how the stupid bitch still won’t believe Jay when they admitted. Believe! It’s true, I saw with my own pretty eyes. Of course we can’t forget Kye… poor Kye, on the downlow… not anymore. We know it probably doesn’t matter now, but before that walking timebomb Mason broke up with the ex, he cheated on him with Kye… more than a few times. Theres something to think about, right?
Not to be outdone, the Ortegas have their own trouble too. We all know how Onyx and Joel arent together anymore since the Adam Lambert look a like ran out on him with the kid; ever since then I’ve noticed Joel and Tahj have been getting a little too close if you get what I mean. What does Devin have to say about it, then? Of course you can’t talk about the Ortegas without mentioning Nazir. Can you believe that he went out to grab poontant just as Joey was giving birth to their kid? What a class act.
Of course we can't have a post without mentioning the Donleavys. We'll start with the proclaimed "cutest Donleavy" which if you ask me is a nicer way of calling him "socially retarded." A little bird told me they saw Paddy trying to chat up none other than Louise Parker on the boardwalk a couple days ago. Crowd goes awww. Except not really, we all know Greg, that obnoxious cock blocking roommate of his will chase her off before she even gets the chance to make him jizz his pants. Speaking of relationship fails, apparently The Great White Whale is so caught up in his newfound love for Jesus that he has yet to notice that his wife is fucking his brother Cormac behind his back. Scandalous. A lot more scandalous than that boring bitch Erin who's making a big stink about sleeping with her roommate, Dominic Rojas. Please, bitch, like you're the first person to ever fuck their roommate. Cry me a river, build a bridge and get the fuck over it. At least he's hot.
With that, I think it is time that fall comes to Ashwick. You know, theres something about this season that seems to just make the town get even more batshit crazy than it usually is. I just have a feeling next month is going to be so much more better, hopefully the same list of people would have changed, because lets face it; this town is going to hell and we know it. Is there any way that we can just take them all and send them to... Pakistan or something? Let them be someone else's problem. Anywho, I'm off to get the last remaining bit of sunlight that I can, so toodles bitches!