» what goes around comes around., vivienne's diary

VIVIENNE RUIZ'S

December 13th, 2011 space ILOVE it I've been meaning to start one of these things for a long time now. I bought this a while ago and I'm finally getting around to writing in it. I figure it would be good for me to write down the things I can't tell people so I'm not holding it all in and stressing myself out more than I already am.To start this off, I'm with this guy. His name is Christian Valentino. You see, he's not just anyone's ideal boyfriend. Throughout the course of being with him, I've put up with a lot. Probably a lot more than a girl should but I love him with all my heart. I could never leave him. He's cheated on me, lied to me, and so much more. I'll admit I've lied to him but I've never cheated on him or anything else. I could never do that to him. There's just something about him that keeps me around and I can't quite figure out what it is yet. Maybe it's the way he kisses my neck or the way his hands fit perfectly on my hips or the way he says my name. He still gives me butterflies after all this time. I truly believe we're meant to be together and I intend on spending the rest of my life with him as long as he continues to prove himself worthy to me. He used to do drugs but after finding out I was pregnant (I forgot to mention that earlier), I told him that he had to stop to be with me. He claims that he's completely stopped but sometimes I don't believe him. I don't know how he could just quit like he says he did. I guess I'll find out soon enough. And another thing: he got taken into custody by the police last week for stealing his father's car. I had to spend my money that I've been saving up from working at the daycare to bail him out of jail. He asked me to call his father to see if he would drop the charges, but I knew he wouldn't so I didn't bother. I wasn't going to let him be taken to jail so I bailed him out with my own money and now I have to find a second job. I'm scared for the day when he finds out I lied to him about that, but everything is going to be okay in the end. It has to, right?template by waltz!

December 13th, 2011 space ILOVE it It's hard for me to eat. It may sound weird but I sort of starve myself in a sense. I know it's not good for me and it's definitely not good for my baby but I just can't seem to keep anything down unless I'm extremely hungry. I call that my breaking point. I have one large meal every two days and any other time, I just drink a lot of water. This is yet another thing I lie to Christian about. He thinks that I eat normally and that I'm healthy but in reality, I'm not. I'm scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of being fat and getting made fun of. I know it's just a baby and that I'll go back to being thin but what if I never fully lose all of the weight? What if Christian won't want me anymore because I'm still fat after I give birth? Sometimes I wish I would've just gone with the abortion when I still had the chance. It's funny how I was pro-life until it happened to me. I have no choice now but to do the best I can, but I don't think my best will ever be good enough. If something happens to my baby, I won't be able to forgive myself.I'm so fucked up in the head.template by waltz!