Keep Away from the kids

[Brianna]

Keep Away From The Kids


Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern
was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

[Brianna]

There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22


There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass


I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled "Hoo,"
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled "I don't have a clue!"


There once was a man stuck in a stall
He tried to get out but would fall
One day a man flushed
The fat man just blushed
And quickly ran out of the mall


There once was a young boy named Nick
Who by chance was always being kicked
He tried not to fight
For he was smart, kind and bright
So he learned how to run really quick


There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man
He wore a dress and high heels
And drove a Chevrolet with pink wheels
And soon Stan became a tran


A fellow jumped off a high wall
And had a most terrible fall
He went back to bed
With a bump on his head
That's why you don't jump off a wall


THERE ONCE WAS A FARMER FROM LEEDS
WHO SWALLOWED A PACKET OF SEEDS
IT SOON CAME TO PASS
HE WAS COVERED WITH GRASS
BUT HAS ALL THE TOMATOES HE NEEDS


A BATHER WHOSE CLOTHING WAS STREWED
BY WINDS THAT LEFT HER QUITE NUDE
SAW A MAN COME ALONG
AND UNLESS WE ARE WRONG
YOU EXPECTED THIS LINE TO BE LEWD


THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
WHO KEPT ALL HIS CASH IN A BUCKET
BUT HIS DAUGHTER NAMED NAN
RAN AWAY WITH A MAN
AND AS FOR THE BUCKET, NAN TUCKET


THERE ONCE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED BRIGHT
WHOSE SPEED WAS MUCH FASTER THAN LIGHT
SHE SET OUT ONE DAY
IN A RELATIVE WAY
AND RETURNED ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT


THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM TIBET
WHO COULDN'T FIND A CIGARRETT
SO HE SMOKED ALL HIS SOCKS
AND GOT CHICKEN-POCKS
AND HAD TO GO TO THE VET


There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint.


There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.


There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright in the middle of the night
To find that his dream had come true.


There was once a smelly Queen
Who was just naturally mean
Back in those days, they never took baths
In which they had to face terrible wraths:
They all smelled like rotton beans.


There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "it's just how i feared!-
Two owls and a hen
Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard.


There once was a child in spain
Who loved to play in the rain
One day he tripped
And broke his hip
Now he is in serious pain

[Brianna]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amahl!
Amahl who?
Amahl shook up!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beets!
Beets who?
Beets me!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bertha!
Bertha who?
Bertha-day greetings!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beryl!
Beryl who?
Beryl of beer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Egg!
Egg who?
Egg-citing to meet you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Egypt!
Egypt who?
Egypt you when he sold you a broken door bell!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Halibut!
Halibut who?
Haliburt a kiss sweetheart!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivor!
Ivor who?
Ivor good mind not to tell you now!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana. Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana. Banana who?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[Brianna]

Yo mamma's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo mamma's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.
Yo mamma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo mamma's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party.
Yo mamma's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.
Yo mamma's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
Yo mamma's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.
Yo mamma's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers.
Yo mamma's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
Yo mamma's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.
Yo mamma's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.
Yo mamma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Yo mamma's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.
Yo mamma's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

[Brianna]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

[Brianna]

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Brianna]

Yo mamma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
Yo mamma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
Yo mamma's so big, she rollerskates on busses.
Yo mamma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
Yo mamma's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker.
Yo mamma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
Yo mamma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
Yo mamma's so big, she whistles bass.
Yo mamma's so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
Yo mamma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo mamma's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
Yo mamma's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burnt from re-entry.
Yo mamma's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
Yo mamma's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.
Yo mamma's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
Yo mamma's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.

[Samantha]

that was stupied