Jokes

Tell your best jokes, but no racist ones please

and try and tell them in your own words, no copy and pasting, it'll be more fun.


. . . . .


A lady was driving to work when her husband rings her up on her cell/mobile phone.
"Honey," he says, "becareful, I'm watching the news and there's some nut driving on the wrong side of the road."

The honey yells back, "I know! Actually, there's hundreds!!!"

^

Try this one on your friends;

You: "What's the difference between the toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Friend: "I don't know"

You: "So you're the one!!"

^ Good one!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were on a camping trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

"Watson, look up. What do you see?" asked Holmes

"Well, I see thousands of stars." replied Watson

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means somebody has stolen our tent!"

I've heard of a different version that ended with the same punchline

Ok. So, there were these three friars that got kicked out of their monestary, so they decided to start a floral shop. They did, and it soon took off and they were doing really well. One day, a lady came on with her little kid. They were looking around and stuff, when all of a sudden a big plant reached down and grabbed her child and ate it. Obviously, she was devastated, and soon the whole town heard about it, so they all told the friars to pack up all their stuff and leave and never come back. The only person who didn't tell them to leave was a man named Hugh. He just stood there. The friars said no, they wouldn't leave, so the townspeople gave up. A week or so later, the same thing happened again- someone's little child got eaten by one of the friars' plants. The townspeople got even madder and told them to leave. Everyone except Hugh. The friars said no, they still were not going to leave, so the townspeople gave up. A month or so later, a lady was brave enough to go into the floral shop again with her kid, but she held him close to her. But still, a big plant moved and bent down and wrestled the child out of his mother's arms. All the townspeople were so so mad now, and this time, so was Hugh. Hugh told them, "Leave. Right now. Take all of your stuff and never come back." And that same day the friars packed up their store and left the town. The moral of the story: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

My fingers hurt now. hehe.

^

I kept wondering what the twist would be, and that was a funny surprise.

Here's one-

A policeman was driving along his patrol route one day, when he spotted a car with a giraffe sticking his neck out of the sunroof.

He pulled the car over and walked up to the man driver,

"What are you doing with a giraffe?!! Take it to the zoo!!"

"Yes, officer." agreed the weird man.

The next day, the same policeman was driving down the same road, when he spotted the same car with the same long necked giraffe.
He pulled the car over again, and approached the man.

"What are you crazy? I told you to take this giraffe to the zoo!"

"We did go to the zoo. Today we are going to the movies."

^ Ha ha! Flux & Shandy!!


Okay, this one's only rude if your brain is rude so don't blame me!!

A ventriloquist is walking along a country lane when he sees a farmer working outside the stables. He decides to have a bit of fun and so he tells the farmer he's able to talk to the animals.

The farmer, a bit bored from being surrounded by animals day in, day out, decides to give it a go.

The ventriloquist walks up to the horse and says "Hello Horse, how does the farmer treat you?"
"Oh very, very well!" says the horse. "He gives me plenty of hay, a clean stable and a good brush after excercise"

The Farmer is stunned!

The ventriloquist then walks up to the dog and says "Hello dog, how does the farmer treat you?"
"Oh very, very, very well!" says the dog. "He gives me plenty of food, a clean bed and always gives me a piece of meat at bed time"

The Farmer is amazed!

The ventriloquist then walks up to the sheep and the farmer says "Don't listen to that sheep! He's a liar!!!"

^

Ok, I hope this one can transcend the language barriers,

Years ago, a young actor was fed up with his agent. He was getting no work at all!

So the young man burst into his agent's office and demended to know why he never got any parts offered to him.

"Well," said the agent, "to be honest, it's your name. Nobody in their right mind is going to put 'Penis Car Lesbian' up in lights."

Mr. Lesbian was quite upset, after crying a bit to himself he yelled at the agent,
"You wait and see, I'm going to change my name and become the most famous actor in Hollywood!"

and that is how Dick Van Dyke started his career.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

^ LOL!
I've heard that one before, but it's still a good joke

^ yeah, I like it too

^ I like it twice

Hmm. I'm trying to think of a joke which isn't rude...


Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Eh?

Eh?

Because he was outstanding in his field!!!

Geddit?

^

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted- he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when

his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by

His wife . . . . . . . .





"F*ck Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral"

^ I'm guessing that being an Irishwoman, that asterisk conceals the letter 'e'?

A man goes into a pub, and has a drink. After a bit, he pulls a matchbox out of his pocket, and from it he tips a spider onto the bar.

"Watch this," he says to some nearby people.
"Forward!" commands the man, and the spider walks forward.
"Backward!" commands the man, and the spider walks backward.
"Left!" commands the man, and the spider walks left.
"Right!" commands the man, and the spider walks right.

All the people are very impressed, and congratulate the man.

"Now watch this," he says and pulls all the legs off the spider.
"Forward!" commands the man, and the spider does nothing.
"Backward!" commands the man, and the spider does nothing.
"Left!" commands the man, and the spider does nothing.
"Right!" commands the man, and the spider does nothing.

All the people are a bit bemused by this.

"It just goes to show you," says the man, "If you pull all the legs off a spider, it goes deaf!"

This is a rather dirty Monica Lewinsky joke that I heard in high school.

Monica Lewinsky is taking her dress to the cleaners. The man who works there is old and starting go deaf. Monica goes to the counter and says, "Sir, I need this dress cleaned, please."

The man puts his hand to his ear. "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Just mustard this time."

...

Was that in bad taste?