Dead End
By: Mallory Michael Andrews & Mesha Richard

CAST

LINUS
MILO
DAG
LOLA
LONETTE
NARRATOR/DOORMAN

Lighting cues will be in square brackets []
Sound cues will be in loopy brackets {}


The play begins with the NARRATOR/DOORMAN (N/D) pacing stage right. He “notices’ the audience with a start.

[Lights come up on only the Narrator/Doorman]

NARRATOR: Oh, good afternoon! Welcome to the Bristol Heights apartment complex! Watch your step though...there are some weird people living here...

[all Stage Lights come up]

Enter DAG, frantically searching for his keys, (no audio).

NARRATOR: For instance, there’s this new guy that moved in...he hardly ever leaves the building...I think I saw him doing groceries once in the past 3 weeks...I’m not sure what his story is, but one thing I do know...he definitely does not have a job...

Enter LOLA, screaming in to a cellphone, (no audio).

NARRATOR: And then there’s that pregnant lady...she’s got steady 9 to 5 hours, with the occasional overtime...She lives with two roommates, both guys, although I suspect one of them is the father...

Enter MILO, who is getting ready for “work”, (no audio).

NARRATOR: Maybe it’s that weird blonde guy that...I think he’s Dutch or something...He never seems to go anywhere...I have no idea how he can afford an apartment...I think his called by some sort of odd M-name...

Enter LINUS, frantically writing notes down onto staff paper, (no audio).

NARRATOR: Linus is the only sane person around here...he’s a musician, or composer, or something like that...he’s also got some sort of weekend job playing the piano...but he’s nice enough...

[All lights fade, except for the ones on the Narrator/Doorman]

Enter a girl, LONETTE, walks up to the N/D.

LONETTE: Excuse me, is this Bristol Heights?

NARRATOR: Yes it is, let me get the door for you...

The N/D lets LONETTE through the “door” and the lights fade out for a moment as they both exit.

[Lights on Narrator/Doorman fade out, as main stage lights fade in.]

The next scene begins with LINUS sitting on a couch, busy sifting through stacks and stacks of resumés and applications. MILO walks in wearing a bathrobe. He picks up the phone and dials.

MILO: Hello Dave...you ready? (pause) Yes, I got this week’s promos...Ready? Okay. (adopts dramatic voice) “You thought the King was above the law, but you thought wrong (*explosion*) Opening this weekend, starring Bruce Campbell, The Magna Carta! Rated R for brief nudity and some language. Now playing at the Cinema 7.” (talks normally) You got that? Alright, talk to you next week Dave...Bye.

Hangs up the phone

MILO: I love my job.

LINUS: Being Mr. Movie Phone is hardly a job...it’s barely even a hobby.

MILO: Piss off. Why’re you up so early?

LINUS: Early? It’s 3:00 in the afternoon!

MILO: I heard you banging around in here around 5 am.

LINUS: (mumbles) ...you heard me banging...

MILO: What?

LINUS: Nothing...

MILO: No, I definitely think you said something at my expense...

LINUS: Go ‘way

MILO: You got a problem with me buddy? Cause if you got a problem with me, I want to know about it...

LINUS: I couldn’t sleep because you and Lola were playing Nintendo again last night!
MILO: (Embarrassed) Oh....

LINUS: My god man, can’t you two control yourselves? This is the 3rd night in a row! For sanity’s sake, I NEED MY SLEEP! All I can hear all night long is that stupid happy-go-lucky theme from Mario!

MILO: Hey, why are you all of a sudden taking this out on me? You saw Lola this morning when she left for work! You should’ve yelled at her.

LINUS: Oh, right, pick a fight with a pregnant lady...That’s one of your more intelligent suggestions.

MILO: Well, I promise it won’t happen again.

LINUS: Doubtful. Shouldn’t she be getting her sleep? Doesn’t deprivation hurt the kid?

MILO: Evidently it doesn’t...At least, that’s what Lola tells me.

LINUS: (mocking) Oh, that’s what Lola tells you....

MILO: What now?

LINUS: Is it just me, or does Lola wear the pants in your relationship?

MILO: Huh?

LINUS: You’re wrapped around her baby finger. (imitates conversation between MILO and LOLA) “Milo, I’m cold” “Oh, here, you can have my coat, even though I’ll most certainly catch pneumonia in this 20 below weather.” “Milo, I’m hungry.” “Well, I’ll buy you whatever your heart desires, even though I’m financially unstable.”

MILO: That’s not true! I am sooo financially stable.

LINUS: Because precious Lola supports you with her paycheck. You might as well put on a frilly pink apron, get in the kitchen and bake her a pie.

MILO: Now you’re just being ridiculous.

LINUS: I guarantee you, as soon as she walks through the door, she’ll ask you for something, and you’ll give it to her, no matter how weird, ludicrous, or illogical her request is.

MILO: That sounds like a wager to me buddy-boy!

LINUS: I don’t have time for this right now, I’ve got someone from the orchestra coming over. I need you to clear out for a few hours.

MILO: Whatever you say. (Doorbell rings). I’ll get it. (Walks off-stage)

Offstage, MILO is heard talking to the person at the door.

MILO: Um, hello? What’re you doing....HEY!

Enter DAG, who saunters in calmly, cool and collected, totally unfazed. LINUS, alarmed, jumps off the couch and picks up a nearby kitchen chair, in ‘defense’.

LINUS: Who the hell are you?!?

DAG: Whoa, watch it! You could hurt someone with that thing!

LINUS: Yeah, that’s the idea! Don’t make me use it!

MILO enters.

MILO: Go for the legs Linus!

DAG: Hey now...lets act like civilized human beings...I live in the apartment next door, and I locked my keys in my apartment...

LINUS: (Lowers chair) Okay...

DAG: I just need to crawl into my apartment through the fire escape...

LINUS: Ummmm....

MILO: Our apartment building...doesn’t have a fire escape...

DAG: Really? Wow, what a deathtrap. Can I use your phone?

DAG picks up the phone before MILO or LINUS can say yes or no. He starts to order a pizza.

DAG: Hi, I’d like a large meat-lover’s with extra cheese, an order of bread sticks, a double order of chicken wings, and a liter of Coke...send it to the apartment next to 6D, in the Bristol Heights building. (Hangs up and makes himself comfortable on the couch).

LINUS and MILO stare at DAG disbelievingly. DAG, sensing their stares, holds out a hand.

DAG: Oh, I’m sorry...I’m Dag...

Nobody shakes his hand. LINUS and MILO look at each other and shrug. They both settle back into what they were doing.
Enter LOLA, in a bad mood, in a maternity business suit. Noticeably pregnant woman, who you would not want to encounter in a dark alley...

LOLA: Milo, I’m hungry.

MILO: (without thinking, walks over to help LOLA out of her coat) Whatever you want Lo...(stops short, and realizes that what LINUS said earlier was true. Under his breath, LINUS coughs “Whipped!”).

LINUS: Lola, why are you home 2 hours early?

LOLA: I got sent home by my boss...how shall I put it...I was sent home on forced maternity leave.

LINUS: (muttering) I wonder why...

LOLA: OKAY WISEASS, WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

LINUS: (Stuttering) I...uh...I mean...Milo, get Lola something to eat like you promised.

LOLA: (Forgetting LINUS) Milo, make me a grilled cheese sandwich....(notices Dag) Who the hell are you?

DAG: I’m Dag.

LOLA: I’m sorry...I guess I didn’t make myself clear...What I meant was: What the hell are you doing here?

DAG: Watching TV.

LOLA: (starting to lose her patience) I can see that...don’t you have a home where you can do that?

MILO: He locked his keys in his apartment.

LOLA: You know what...I don’t need to deal with this right now...I’m a lady with a baby, I’ve got a bun in the oven, I’m with child, knocked-up, preggers,

DAG: Whoa...calm down Baby Phat...

LOLA: FAT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!

LINUS: While I like confrontation as well as the next guy, I really need everyone to at least leave the room for an hour...

LOLA: Don’t you DARE kick me out of my own apartment!

LINUS: I’m having a very important meeting, and any moment now, my violinist is going to show up to this chaos...Thus rendering me unprofessional, and thus losing any and all respect she had for me.

MILO: Lola, how about I fix you a nice grilled cheese after a round of Tetris?

LOLA:....Dr. Mario....

LINUS: What? It’s the same thing!

LOLA: Maybe to the untrained eye, but there are many subtle differences

LINUS: Oh, like one features blocks and other features pills?

MILO: (interrupts) Dr. Mario it is then, lets go Lo...

MILO and LOLA leave. LINUS looks to DAG.

LINUS: Hey, buddy...

{Cue the Warp Zone Music – Track One}

LINUS and DAG: Shut up!

{Music Stops}

LOLA and MILO: (offstage) Sorry!

LINUS: Hey, buddy...

DAG: Dag.

LINUS: Hey, Dag...would you mind leaving...or something...

DAG: In a minute...(leaves for a second, and comes back with a wire, and plugs it into the “TV”.)

LINUS: What’s that?

DAG: You’ve got free cable!! Movie networks baby!!

LINUS: Really? I mean...thanks...but can you just leave for a few hours...

DAG: What about my pizza?

LINUS: (taking money out of his wallet). Go and pick it up...

DAG: (taking money) Score!! Leaves.

Shortly after, the doorbell rings. LINUS answers it...it’s LONETTE.

LONETTE: (sarcastic) What a...“lovely” apartment...

LINUS: (missing the sarcasm) Thanks, make yourself comfortable...

They sit down on couch, LONETTE looking uninterested, LINUS looking nervous.

LINUS: (picking up a paper from the pile on the coffee table) I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve asked you to meet with me today.

LONETTE: It’s the mystery of the century...

LINUS: (still not noticing the sarcasm) I’ve got a copy of your resumé here...I just want to double check the information here...your name is Lonette Mallen...

LONETTE: Mm hmm...

LINUS:...and you’ve been playing the violin since you were 6?

LONETTE: Right again.

LINUS: Well, based on last week’s recording, I think you’re going to work out.

LONETTE: Oh joy...

LINUS: Which is why I’m going to let you in on a secret, known only by me, and the other two people that live in this apartment...I’m going to reinvent North American music!

LONETTE:...Excuse me? Are you for real?

LINUS:...I want you to be the first violin...

LONETTE: Wait, did you say something about reinvention of music?

LINUS: Uh, yeah...when I was little I wanted to be the next Mozart, but I’ve since shied away from such lofty goals.

LONETTE: But, last week, you’d only written a page of music...

LINUS: Well, yeah, and that’s still true this week, but I’m sure I’ll be hit with a bout of inspiration any day now!

LONETTE: I see...

LINUS: So, what do you think?

LONETTE: Let me get this straight...are you taking about changing the world?

LINUS: Sure, in a way, I guess.

LONETTE: (EXTREME sarcasm) How original...

LINUS: (Finally catching the sarcasm) Huh?

LONETTE: In this day and age, changing the world is turning into an after school activity...a Special Olympics even...

LINUS: (Faltering) ....Special Olympics?

LONETTE: You can’t throw a Brick of Maturity in this city without taking out some crazy artist with a dream.

LINUS: ...Brick of Maturity?

LONETTE: A brick that gives naive people maturity and a good swift blow to head by a brick...

LINUS: Oh my God, you’re psychotic!

LONETTE: Artists commend themselves for being such unique thinkers, when in fact they’re just buying their ideas off Ebay...the fastest “bidder” comes out on top...

LINUS: Wait a minute, don’t tell me you’ve never had a dream...

LONETTE: NO, I haven’t.

LINUS: Oh, please, anyone with the slightest measure of creativity has had a dream...not even when you were young and idealistic...

LONETTE: Nope.

LINUS: I bet you did...

LONETTE: NO.

LINUS: Come on....

LONETTE: I always dreamed I would live past the age of 16...

LINUS:...What?

LONETTE: I wanted to live past 16...I’m now 19, my dream was realized, end of story...

LINUS: Why wouldn’t you live past 16?

LONETTE: (pointing to right temple) Brain tumour...grows a millimeter every year...I was told I would die at 15.

LINUS:...Oh...I...I’m sorry...

LONETTE: Sorry for what?

LINUS:...for...for...damn, how can you just dump that kind of thing on an unsuspecting person?

LONETTE: It’s surprisingly easy...I do it all the time...

LINUS: What’s wrong with you?

LONETTE: (Exasperated) I told you! Repeat after me. (points to temple) Brain tumour!

LINUS: No, I mean why are you such a...downer.

LONETTE: Downer...there’s a diplomatic way of saying depressing bitch...

LINUS: (Interrupting) Forget it...

They sit in silence, glaring at each other with animosity.

LONETTE: Imagine being told you’re going to die before you reach 16...believe it or not, I was ready to die...I just held onto the dream of living...then imagine surviving...for the next 3 years...you turn into a ticking time bomb...everything’s ready...funeral arrangements, memorial service...I’m 19 and I know how I’m going to die...I know what will happen to me, and I even know what it’s going to feel like. I just don’t know when anymore...It could happen at any moment...(keels over on the couch)

LINUS: HOLY CRAP! (panics)

LONETTE’s eyes pop open.

LONETTE: That joke never gets old...

LINUS: ...That’s the worst joke anyone’s ever played on me...

LONETTE: Sorry...the air was getting too serious around here.

LINUS: So, you’re really not dying?

LONETTE: Damn, that part was true...I wouldn’t joke about that...

LINUS: Oh...So, do you want the job or not?

LONETTE: Are you still hung up on that?

LINUS: I still need a decent first violinist...

LONETTE: How much will I be paid?

LINUS:...Uh...about that....

LONETTE: What?

LINUS: Well, I need a sponsor to subsidize my work...a sponsor that I don’t have...I still need to make demos to send out to possible financiers...

LONETTE:...You mean I’m going to be doing this for free?

LINUS: For a while, yes.

LONETTE: You’re crazy...

LINUS: But the payoff will be huge in the end, I swear...

LONETTE: Uh huh...

LINUS: What do you say?

LONETTE: ...Fine...but it goes against my better judgment...

LINUS: Most good things in life do.

LONETTE: Oh, don’t give me that philosophical crap...

LINUS: So, we have a deal.

LONETTE:...Sure....

LINUS: Perfect...let me walk you to the door.

LONETTE: You can’t wait to get rid of me can you?

LINUS: Well, yes.

LONETTE: The truth hurts.

They exit.

[Fade lights out slightly]
{Cue “Mr. Blue Sky” – Track 6}

Two weeks later. It is fairly early morning, and we see that DAG is still living on the couch. LOLA, having woken up, walks into the room.

[Fade lights in]
{Turn volume down and pause “Mr. Blue Sky”}

LOLA: Mmmmm…what a beautiful morning…(notices DAG) Are you still here?!? For heaven’s sake, you’ve been on that couch for 2 weeks!! Get out of here you leech!

DAG: (Waking up) Good morning sunshine!

LOLA: Sunshine? How dare you! GET OUT!!

DAG: Whoa…calm down…you’re yelling for two now…

LOLA: (Stands there fuming…before yelling:) MILO GET IN HERE!!! MILO…(screeching) LINUS!!!!

LOLA rushes off to get MILO, who’s just out of bed, and LINUS, who’s just out of the shower. They all come back into the room, MILO looking sleepy and dishevelled, and LINUS looking damp, but is fully dressed.

LOLA: As the men of the household, I order you to get rid this mooching…moocher!!!!

MILO: (Sleepy) Okay Lola….

LINUS: Oh, now come on! He’s harmless! He’s watching male figure skating for goodness sake!

DAG: (Who is, indeed, watching male figure stating) Man, any guy who prances around the ice in pink spandex has got to be gay…

LOLA: (Pissed, but beaten)…fine…I’m going to go have a shower…(leaves in a huff).

LINUS and MILO glance at each other…this is the first time they’ve seen each other all morning.

MILO: Good morning.

LINUS: Good morning.

DAG: Good morning.

LINUS and MILO look at DAG, and simultaneously decide to ignore him.

LINUS: (sarcastically) So…busy day at the office ahead?

MILO: Linus…you say that joke every damn day…

LINUS: True…so…busy day at the office then?

MILO: Better, you should see what I managed to get a hold of last night…

LINUS: You mean the supplier got a new shipment in already?

MILO: Oh yeah, some of the really good stuff!

LINUS: Hand it over!

MILO: (Pulls “stash” out from behind the couch) That’s right…7-11 candy frogs that smell like the pot!

LINUS: Oh yes!

MILO: Dutchman’s marijuana!

They both take a handful and look like they are thoroughly enjoying the frogs.

LINUS: Damn…I wish we weren’t poor.

MILO: Hey man, there’s nothing wrong with being a little thrifty…

LINUS: This reminds me of the time when I went to the movies while I was high…I went there planning to see The Truman Show, but I somehow ended up in the Rugrats movie…I was so messed up…and I wasn’t even alone…I had all these people with me…buddies, people I haven’t talked to in so long…but one thing I can say, is that we all had the same screwed up experience… We walked in, picked out our seats…and…it felt like a 20 foot diaper was about to sit on our faces...It was the most ludicrous thing that has ever happened to me while I was high…

MILO: Linus, that was the most ludicrous story you ever told me…

LINUS: Yes, well, I pray it never happens to me again…I don’t think I could handle it…

Phone rings

MILO: I’ll get it. (Picks up the phone) Hello…yes he is…(holds the mouthpiece of the phone to his chest) It’s your boss.

LINUS: Which one? The rabbi or the priest?

MILO: I don’t know…the one who believes in Jesus…

LINUS: (grabs the phone) Hello, Father Marcel…(gets a look of panic) Oh, it’s you Rabbi Lipschitz…I’m sorry…I thought you were the Father…yeah…yeah that bastard’s been calling me all day, trying to get me to convert…yes Rabbi…yes I know it’s not nice to drop the b-bomb…yes what did you want? Oh, really? All right…I’ll be there in a few…thanks Rabbi…good bye…

MILO: (laughing) I’m sorry, I meant the one that doesn’t believe in Jesus…religion confuses me…

LINUS: I gotta go to the synagogue and look over the music for this Saturday’s service.

MILO: So…busy day at the office then…

LINUS: Whatever (walks offstage) Be back in a while! (is gone).

LOLA comes back in, with her hair wrapped in a towel, rather turban-like. She waddles over to MILO.

LOLA: Milo, why don’t you do something useful, like cook me breakfast.

MILO: In a minute Lo. I want to get a head start on work this week.

LOLA: (Suppresses laughter) Sure thing Milo…

MILO: What?

LOLA: (Giggling) Nothing…so…busy day at the office then? (completely breaks down laughing)

MILO: Hey! You don’t take my job seriously do you? Do just don’t understand! Nobody understands!! Without me, society would fall prey to chaos. Chaos I say! How will people know what movies are playing? When a guy asks his girlfriend what she wants to do, no longer will she have to say “I don’t know”...because of me, she will have options...Mr. Movie Phone is a lonely job, but damn it...somebody’s gotta do it!

LOLA: I’m sorry honey…I didn’t realize how…busy…your day at the office was going to be…(giggles)

MILO: Forget it…I’ll take you out for breakfast after I have a shower. (leaves)

LOLA sits down on the couch, next to DAG, who is still watching figure skating.

LOLA: How can you watch figure skating…after all, it is directed towards the female demographic…

DAG: Shhhh…(points to the “TV”) A quad-triple double combo…

LOLA: What? (stares at the screen) Incredible…

Doorbell rings. LOLA is too engrossed with the TV to notice…the doorbell rings again…she snaps to attention.

LOLA: Oh…I’ll get it…(Gets up to get the door)

LONETTE is at the door, asking for LINUS. LOLA lets her in, and they enter the living room together.

LOLA: Linus seems to be out for the moment, but he should be back soon. Sit down…make yourself at home…and don’t mind the squatter.

DAG: Good morning.

LONETTE and LOLA sit down, side by side. An awkward pause occurs, before:

LONETTE: So…you’re with child?

LOLA: Yeah…

LONETTE: And ummm…this Milo character I keep hearing about…is the, uhh…sperm donor…

LOLA: I think that’s the most accurate description of him I’ve ever heard.

LONETTE: So, where do you think Linus is?

LOLA: Oh, he probably got called into work...

LONETTE: Work? He has a job?

LOLA: Well, two part-time jobs really...A pianist on Saturdays at a Jewish synagogue, and a choir director at a Catholic church on Sundays...

LONETTE: I see...which religion does he really belong to?

LOLA: Neither...He’s an atheist.

LONETTE: Oh, an evolutionist then?

LOLA: Oh no...he truly doesn’t believe in anything.

DAG: I think there’s a name for someone like that...

LOLA: How about “parasitic organism”?

DAG: Now we both know that’s not it...

LINUS re-enters

LINUS: Honey, I’m home…(sees LONETTE) Huh? Lonette? What’re you doing here?

LONETTE: Oh, what a warm reception. And here I am, about to do you a favour…

LINUS: What are you talking about?

LONETTE: I found a way for us to finally start getting paid for this slave racket you’re running…I been talking to my parents, and they know some people that know some people that may be interested in this little endeavour of yours.

LINUS: (grabs her by the shoulder) What? Give me their names. I’ll send them our demo tapes…

LONETTE: About that…apparently they want to hear a live performance…

LINUS: Done! What do I need to do?

LONETTE: First of all, you need to let go of my arm. Second of all, you need to talk to my parents...they’ll hook you up.

LINUS: Perfect! Let’s go!

LONETTE and LINUS leave together. MILO comes back in from his shower. DAG jumps up off the couch exclaiming “Yes! Shower’s free,” and heads offstage.
MILO and LOLA are on opposite ends of the stage. By the end of their conversation, they should start to move closer and closer together.

MILO: So, where do you want to eat?

LOLA: Wherever you want Milo.

MILO: How about the IHOP?

LOLA: Uhhgg...Pancakes have not been my friend lately...

MILO: McDonald’s?

LOLA: And make a shameless corporate empire even richer? I don’t think so!

MILO: (Exasperated) Outback steakhouse?

LOLA: We can’t afford steak!

MILO: Lola, why do you do this every time?

LOLA: What are you talking about?

MILO: You’re so pushy...and don’t hide behind the excuse that you’re pregnant...you’ve worn that one out...

LOLA: I’m still mad at you for “this” (points to her stomach).

MILO: Come on!! I've already apologized for that!

LOLA: These things take time!

MILO: It wasn’t entirely my fault you know...you were there too...There’s something I’ve been meaning talk to you about...I don’t want you to think I’m just saying this because I have to...But I wanted to ask you something. First, I need to say that I care about you and I need to know how much you really care about me. I know what you’re like Lo, yet I have no idea how you’ve been feeling… what you’ve truly been thinking…

LOLA: I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about you...I don’t want to be like my family. I don’t want to end up like them, all of them unhappy. All of us are accidents, you know? They didn’t want us. And they showed us how little they wanted us every time they fought. In every bottle my father downed and in every man my mother slept with who wasn’t my father. That’s how they showed us we were mistakes.
This baby was a mistake, Milo. A big mistake. I never wanted children, because I never wanted to see that side of myself, that side my parents bred into me, shown in front of everyone. ‘Cause I know it’s there, Milo.
But now… I now I know this baby to be anything but a mistake. That word can never be said in its presence, ok? There was no mistake… I’m not unhappy, though I’ve tried many times to convince myself of that.
The reason why it’s so much more than that is because I don’t care. I do more than care. I love you. You’re one of my best friends…now you know how I feel and I hope it’s enough…?”

MILO: Can you… Can you say that one more time?

LOLA: I love you Milo. I don’t know why I make everything so complicated. Why I just wanted to be friends or then why I just wanted something physical. I just know that I love you now and I always will… and I’m happy.

MILO: Lola...marry me...

LOLA:...What?

MILO: I’ll be a good father...and I guess I can try to be an okay husband...

LOLA: (Puts finger to Milo’s lips to silence him) Okay. We can give it a try. (Both hug)

Pause. Enter DAG.

DAG: Awww… Did I just walk into a Kodak moment?

LOLA: Even you can’t ruin this moment for me.

MILO: Come on, let’s go get breakfast.

LOLA: Good idea.

DAG: Let’s go!

LOLA: Wow…I guess you can ruin this moment for me…

All three leave.

[Fade lights out slightly, and fade in the front stage lights]
{Unpause “Mr. Blue Sky” and turn volume up}

All five actors then re-enter the stage one by one. LOLA walks in first.

{Turn down volume when speaking starts very gradually, and pause when it is quiet}
[Fade in main stage lights when the actors reach the “apartment”. Fade out the front stage lights]

LOLA: I know you were celebrating, but don’t you think you got a little carried away?

LONETTE walks in second.

LONETTE: Give it up Lola…he’s just too happy…

Enter DAG and MILO supporting a very drunk, but very happy LINUS.

MILO: Easy buddy…

LINUS: Hey…watch your mouth you bastard…don’t go dropping the b-bomb left and right…(sing song voice) I got a sponsor, I got a sponsor, I’m gonna be famoouuusssss.....

MILO: If the performance goes alright tomorrow...

LONETTE: Lola, shouldn’t you be in bed by now...

LOLA: Yeah, I really should...I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

LONETTE: Oh, will you find out if it’s a boy or girl?

LOLA: Yep.

LONETTE: Any names picked out yet?

LINUS: How about Linus?

MILO: Well, I’ve always wanted to give it an unusual name, just like it’s parents...

LOLA: What? No! I hate having a name you can sing.

LINUS: (Sings) “Her name was Lola...”

DAG: (Sings) “...she was a show girl...”

LOLA: See what I mean.

LINUS: Linus Jr.!

LOLA: I’ve always liked Lukas for a boy?

MILO: Lukas? What about Radar?

LONETTE: Radar? Like from M*A*S*H?

LOLA: I suppose for a girl you want to call her Major Houlihan?

LINUS: Linus!

LONETTE: Well, I must be off. Thanks for a lovely evening!

LINUS: Hey little missy…don’t be late tomorrow…I need you there!

LONETTE: I wouldn’t miss it for the world…I’ll let myself out. (She leaves)

LOLA: Guys, help me get this poor bastard to bed…

LINUS: (covers ears) Owww my virgin ears!

LOLA: Oh shut up you…

They leave, MILO and DAG still helping LINUS.

{Unpause and turn volume up on “Mr. Blue Sky”}

The next day: DAG saunters into the living-room and sits on the couch. MILO walks in and sits on the arm of the couch.

{Turn volume down on “Mr. Blue Sky” and turn it off completely}

MILO: Dag my friend…I think my life is finally starting to come together…Lola and I finally agreed on a name last night…And when she gets back from her appointment, we’ll know whether it’s a boy or a girl.

LOLA walks in, angry.

LOLA: Milo…it’s twins…

MILO: Damn it…

LOLA: We need to agree on another name…

MILO: Let’s wait until Linus gets back from his demo performance before we decide…I want his input.

DAG: What about my input.

LOLA: Shut up you.

LINUS storms in, clearly furious about something. The sight of DAG, still “living” on the couch sets him off.

LINUS: What the hell are you still doing here? Don’t you have some other cesspool you can crawl into? Get your ass of my couch and into your own apartment…

DAG: Hey man, make love, not war…

LINUS: GET THE HELL OUT!!!

DAG raises his hands up in surrender, and finally leaves the apartment. LOLA and MILO stare at LINUS, shocked.

LOLA: As happy as I am to see him leave, wasn’t that a little harsh?

LINUS: Oh, shut up! Just shut up for once!

MILO: Hey, don’t you ever talk to her like that!

LINUS: PISS OFF!!

MILO: What the hell is the matter with you?

LINUS: My life is over…I’m never going to get out of this goddamn city…I had once chance at a big break, and now I’ve blown it…I finally get some top people to listen to a demo performance, and I’m missing my top performer…

LOLA: Oh…Lonette…

LINUS: Stop talking!

MILO: HEY!

LINUS: Lonette doesn’t show up…Lonette doesn’t even call…(picks up the phone) I better the goddamn answering machine…(dials, and waits for Lonette to pick up). Come on…pick up…pick up…(mumbles inaudible curse words to himself) NO! LONETTE DON’T YOU EVER COME AROUND HERE AGAIN! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU BLEW IT! YOU’RE FIRED…huh? Hello? Who is this? What? Oh my God…I’m sorry…I…ummm…yes…yes…thank you…good-bye…(hangs up).

DAG walks in again.

DAG: Man, I’ve just been evicted!

LINUS: (in shock) Lonette’s…dead…

LINUS leaves the room without saying a word. LOLA, MILO and DAG follow him, saying things such as “Oh my God” and “Linus, are you alright?”, etc

The NARRATOR/DOORMAN enters upstage right, and spots the audience.

NARRATOR: I wonder what’s happened. Linus and his friends left this morning without so much as a “hello” or even a nod. They were all dressed in dark clothing...Something serious must have happened...Even that guy with no job left with them...

Next day. Everyone has just come home from the funeral. LINUS is clutching a white envelope to his chest.

LOLA: That…that was a nice service…

MILO: Mmm-hmmm…

DAG: The food was…good…

LOLA: (noticing the envelope) Linus, what’s that?

LINUS: Lonette’s parents gave it to me…apparently she wanted me to have it…(opens it, and starts to read) “Dear Linus...I wrote this when I was 15, when I first found out about the brain tumour...I found it the other day, and I thought you would like it... ‘My Manifesto’ by Lonette Mallen…

Everyone onstage freezes, and the lights dim as the ghostly form of LONETTE comes onstage.

[Fade out main stage lights. Fade in front stage lights.]
{Cue “Nothing Else Matters” – Track 2, to underscore the monologue – play it very quietly.}

LONETTE: Do you know what? Today I learned that so desired meaning of life and why we’re on this earth. Whether you believe in evolution or some kind of god, I know that I personally believe in the latter. I mean...how could all this wondrous beauty happen just by chance? Molecules bumping into molecules, turning into worms, turning into land faring fish. And just because we screwed everything up with our so-called righteous wars, global warming, and man-made diseases (aren’t we soooo proud of ourselves?) doesn’t mean that we can forsake it…
For a moment think about a newborn baby. Have you ever seen one? The way the florescent lights blind it’s delicate eyes. The way it’s little hands, so small in comparison to your own, curl in and out. And when a baby first cries, wails, or laughs…they are so perfect. I can’t even describe it, but you know. They truly are a real miracle. And to those of you, who don’t believe in miracles, well wake up and take a long hard look around you! They are everywhere and are happening constantly.
Think about a dog for a second… and no don’t laugh, just bear with me. They are so undemanding and will stay loyal to you for however long they live. If you died that dog would surely cry and lie down beside you and die itself waiting for you to “come back”. A dogs love is unconditional, how many of us can say that? They are perfect in their own way. God truly made them to be our best friend, our watchdog.
How about the way a tree gives us shade, a place to play as a child, food, then wood to build our homes and of course I mustn’t forget AIR! They are such enormous part of our life without ever being aware of it.
All those little so called “trivial” things, please, please don’t take them for granted.
The way the sun reflects off of the water and sparkles like diamonds. The way freshly mowed dewy grass smells. How the hot chocolate your dad used to make with just the right amount of marshmallows on those cold days just before Christmas used to taste. The way a lover’s skin feels for the first time on a hot summer night under twinkling stars. And the way that lullaby sounded to your sleepy ears.
And don’t forget those funny moments in your life. Like how my grandmother always buys me pink frilly underwear 6 sizes too big. (Does she think my ass is the size of the state of Texas?) Or how no matter how I love him, my uncle’s chin could sink an aircraft carrier! Or that one time on vacation when I was young and I stuck that blueberry up my nose and my mom had to suck it out with the dust buster.
Please don’t take that bird for granted, remember it’s sweet song. Please don’t take for granted that thunderstorm, because it brings the rain.
Please don’t forsake anything!!!
The meaning of life is this…it’s a shame that even though this to you people! We are here simply to live! We are here to experience and most of all to feel. To love and hate and to be sad yet overjoyed. To feel and share our emotions and experiences. To share life with each other!
I think we really are all brothers and sisters and we have been blessed to share this beat up old planet with all the miracles that are held within it.
You are a miracle. Just look at yourself. Forget about those superficial flaws on the surface. That scar, that blemish, that hair out of place… forget it! It’s all nothing because you’re perfect.
Share yourself, your life. Share your purpose for living. Don’t ever take a second of it for granted! EVER! Don’t ever think that those little things don’t mean a thing! Nothing is trivial… everything has it’s purpose and reason behind it.
Don’t forget what I’ve tried to tell you here. Because it could all end just as miraculously as it began…
The LONETTE ghost exits.

[Main stage lights fade in, and front stage lights fade out.]
{Turn down volume of “Nothing Else Matters” and turn off}

Everyone unfreezes.

LOLA: Wow…That was…beautiful…

MILO: Yeah…

Phone rings

MILO: I’ll get it. (Answers phone) Hello? Yes he is…(holds the receiver to his chest) Linus, it’s for you.


LINUS: (Takes the phone) Thanks. Hello? Yes…Yes…Oh…Okay…Oh wow!! Ummm…Thanks! Goodbye…(hangs up) I…I…got a sponsor…

LOLA: You did! Oh, I’m so happy for you Linus!

MILO: Way to go buddy! I…guess…we should do something to celebrate…

LOLA: Yeah…I don’t feel like staying in the house today…

LOLA, MILO, and DAG leave. LINUS starts to follow, but pauses long enough to put the Manifesto in his pocket. He leaves.

[Blackout]

THE END