Ask Dr. Fitzgerald, He’s a Doctor

Hello, I’m Dr. Fitzgerald.

I’m a Doctor.

And as a Doctor it is my solemn duty to provide for the general wellbeing of others. Whether this is physical, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing I am always on call. To better provide this care the Whackpack has request that I, as a Doctor, offer my advice to any and all who would ask.

So if you have any nagging doubts, lingering concerns or unusual reservations I urge you to express them. You can ask your questions here in this topic or e-mail them to me at Whackpack@Whackpackstudios.com, Subject Dr. Fitzgerald. And remember I’m a Doctor and I’m here to help.

I need you to tell me the meaning of life...stat!

Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,

I need you to tell me the meaning of life…stat!

Mike the Long Boxer

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Dear Boxer Man,

My poor, poor fellow, you are clearly not a doctor. If you had studied and slaughtered for eight years in Orcish Medical School (finest of all the “ish” schools) as I have, you would already know the meaning of life… More importantly though, you would be a doctor… Since you are unfortunately not a doctor, and I am a doctor, I shall tell you the meaning of life exactly as it was explained to me in Orcish Medical School.

To quote my Orcish Medical professor: “Da meanin’ o’ life is… to… uhh… do stuff… yeah! An’ tings! Ya gotta do tings. ‘Cause when ya doin’ both tings an’ stuff, ya’re achievin’… stuff… an’ tings. ‘Cause elves gotta prance ‘round in da woods. Dwarves gotta be jerks unda da ground. And orcs gotta beat dem all! ‘Cause if ya ain’t doin’ sumtin’, ya’re doin’ notin’. An’ dats da meanin’ o’ life!”

That orc was the finest gynecologist the world has ever known. I am still not certain what that particular lesson had to do with performing an appendectomy, but, as a doctor, I think what I learned is a bit more important than a few burst organs. Now go forth and do your things and stuff Boxing Mike, because if you don’t, then your life has no meaning. That is my advice…as a doctor.



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Dr. Fitzgerald,

I am the co-author of a hugely successful webcomic and need your advice. My co-author, while being highly creative and talented, is difficult to motivate and can quickly lose interest in even his own projects. What can I do to help keep him motivated and involved?

Desperately Seeking Collaboration

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Dear Desperately Seeking,

I do not know what a webcomic is exactly. Nor do I know what a co-author is either. So I will just assume that you are an evil mage set on raising a terrible pit fiend. And, as a doctor, assemble a rag-tag group of adventurers to destroy you in a mighty quest. Have a nice day.

Update: According to Dungepedia a “webcomic” is some kind of talking art distributed by a series of tubes. While “co-authors” are a group of two or more bards that work together for some reason or another. There was more information, but I became distracted by rather juicy looking rat. And as a doctor, I always recommend eating the rat.

Anyway, now that I am not desperately seeking your destruction (that is a doctor’s joke) I shall give you the sage advice… of a doctor. Cut off his legs. If your collaborator is a centaur, be sure to sever all four. Once the legs have been removed your co-author will have more incentive to finish his projects. He will find that there is more time in the day to finish his webcomics. As a doctor, I know theses bard types are difficult to deal with. Yet with the focus that comes from knowing that limbs have been removed because they didn’t focus, your co-bard friend will be singing a different tune (that is also a doctor’s joke).

Be sure to do something when the bleeding starts Seeking Collaboration. As a doctor, I know that cutting off body parts tends to be messy. Oh and don’t forget that when worse comes to worse, you can always put him in a wheel barrel and tie weapons to whatever parts he has left. This way he can hold more weapons. That is my advice as an orc… and a doctor.



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Dr. Fitzgerald,

I have a friend who is deathly afraid of moths. Yes moths, the harmless little flying insects that are drawn to fire and the bane of sweaters everywhere. I’ve tried to explain that moths are nothing to be scared of and help him overcome his fears, to no avail. What can be done to help him defeat his ridiculous terror?

C.S. the Bug Keeper

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Dear Bug Keeper,

Mmmmmmmm, bugs. Though moths are a little flakey for my taste. My tastes do tend to be more refined than most. After all, I am a doctor. As for your fearful friend, the answer to his problem is quite simple really. All he has to do is set himself on fire. While consumed in fire no moth will be able to harm him. In fact very few things will be able to get to him. Not only will he be safe, he will quickly see that moths are the least of his worries. That is my advice… as a doctor.

Dear Dr. Fitzgerald
I just saw the Dragonball evelutions movie and now i've gone blind what should i do?

and are you a Real human doctor because i have other alments that you should look at.

Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,

I just saw the Dragonball: Evolution movie and now I've gone blind what should I do?

Atomic Nerd

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Dear Nerd of the Radioactive Variety,

Loss of sight is a serious condition that requires serious medical attention. So it is good that you have contacted me, a doctor, through long distance correspondence. I can think of no more efficient way receive medical advice.

As for your aliment, the Orcish Medical Association of Orcish Medicine for Orcs suggests three types treatment for non-magical blindness. First treatment: do not become blind in the first place. Surprisingly effective in nearly all cases, simply not being blind is both easy and medically approved by four out of five orcish doctors (the fifth actually had a battle-axe embedded in his skull and was unable to answer the questionnaire). Ways to not be blind include: not staring at bright things, not poking things into your eyes and not watching poorly thought out adaptations.

The second treatment: metaphysical healing, or “a wizard did it” in medical terms. Essentially the “poof it’s fixed” method employed by expert healers and dungeon masters the world over. I should know… I’m a doctor. Ways to employ the “a wizard did it” treatment include: magical devices, extra planer beings, killing the patient so that they may be resurrected and, of course, a wizard.

The third, and in my opinion as a doctor, the best option is not to cure the blindness at all. The third treatment is instead to seek out someone who can teach you a rare fighting style known as “Blind Fighting.” Using this technique you can wade through your enemies under the cover of darkness; surprise attackers that think you are helpless and fight overweight crime bosses. While you will still be blind you will have something far more important than sight. You will be awesome! Blind Fighting can be learned from fighters, monks (the punch dragons and expect it to do something kind), doctors (but not me, I never took that course in Orcish Medical School) and certain lawyers.

Also, have you given any thought to the possibility that you are blind due to your exposure to atomic radiation? Just a thought… That is my advice to you… as a doctor.

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Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,

… And are you a REAL human doctor? Because I have other ailments that you should look at.

Still Atomic Nerd

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Dear Won’t Leave Me Alone,

I’m not sure what you mean by “human” but I am a real doctor. I mean I didn’t spend eight years in Orcish Medical School for nothing. I am trained to treat any and all humanoid races. Except trolls and kobolds, because trolls are weird and kobolds are jerks. It is fascinating how similar the biology of different races are to one another. Such as being vulnerable to decapitation and the way they twitch when a medical axe is implanted in the front of the skull.

I do happen to be half-human if that is what you’re asking. How that came to happen is a long story that can really only be explained in song… but until that time I remain open to your questions and I remain… a doctor.

Dear Doctor Fitzgerald,

If a tree falls in the woods and only a bugbear is there to hear it, where are my pants?

Dear Good Doctor,

I am kind, gentle hearted person with good intentions for all of mankind. But the people I associate with insist on giving me rude and vuglor comments, due to my previous history of violence, ignorant and arrogant actions. I've tried to brush of there comments and childish actions and show I am a Man of great valor, but they insist on taking me lighty. As if I where a joke. I've tried hard Doctor; I've shown much restraint and have turned the other cheek now my blood boils action.

SG

That's gotta be Bobby.

Who, what, and where?

Dear Good Doctor,

I am kind, gentle hearted person with good intentions for all of mankind. But the people I associate with insist on giving me rude and vuglor comments, due to my previous history of violence, ignorant and arrogant actions. I've tried to brush of there comments and childish actions and show I am a Man of great valor, but they insist on taking me lighty. As if I where a joke. I've tried hard Doctor; I've shown much restraint and have turned the other cheek now my blood boils action.

SG

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Dear Super Glue (unless you prefer Samurai George, Space Godzilla, Speedy Gonzales, Solid Gold, Some Guy),

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "vuglor" or the comments you've tried brushing from there, unless of course you are a bugbear. This would be attributed to your poor spelling and grammar.

For someone who is not a doctor, you do seem to be a man of great valor, especially for one who does not seem to possess any weapons. I admire any man who resorts to non-violence in leu of a bad situation. However, in my experience...as a doctor...whether you are in a bad situation or not, it is best to have weapons. In that respect, I recommend equipping yourself with a battle axe and taking out your anger on your so-called "friends".

If you are in fact a bugbear, and you happen to come across missing trousers, please mail them to the address below. That is my advice...as a doctor.


Dr. Fitzgerald
c/o Dr. Fitzgerald
6767 Fitzgerald Drive
Fitzgeraldton, Fitzgerald
67676-7676

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That's gotta be Bobby.
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Lemon Sex!


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Dear Boxer Man,

This "Bobby" you are referring to has recovered your missing trousers. Unless you're referring to the "Bobby" that I exiled back to his so-called "rape-realm" along with his imaginary perverted pet dragon.

This is my opinion...as a doctor.

Dear Dr.Fitzgerald

Why does lunch have to dance?

My dear Tavion,

And I use that term loosely because I believe you are a grick. In my experience, as a doctor, such emotions you are feeling are nothing out of the ordinary, given that you are a grick.

The reason why your lunch is dancing is simply because it may not want to be eaten. There are a number of different ways in which you can stop your lunch from dancing, but that is entirely up to you, as you seem to prefer to eat your lunch live. I, on the other hand prefer to have my trusty medical axe do all the hunting for me. Most lunch puts up less of a resistance with a blade in it's skull.

However you decide to stop your lunch from dancing is entirely up to you. You are (or might be) a grick. Use your imagination. It doesn't matter what you eat, just that it is delicious, regardless of whether or not your victim is what you think it may be...because it isn't. But you're a grick, you wouldn't know, because you cannot see.

Hmmm...if you cannot see, that means you probably may not be able to read this. I value my time and services very highly and would appreciate it if the next time you happen to come across some lunch, whether it's dancing or not, please ask it to read you this response before you disembowel them.

That is my advice...as a doctor.

Dear Doctor Fitzgerald
Hello Doctor, I'm a young entrepreneur look to start up his a business of his own. There are a few Franchises that have caught my attention my I don't have nearly enough capital to invest in such a venture. I was wondering if you had any advice for a young upstart to earn the much need resources to start a business.

Needs Capital Quickly

Dear Quick Capital,

I know that starting a new business can be difficult. I was once desperate to gain finances for my medical practice. Only through hard work, perseverance and the brutal slaughter of lives was I able to find the finances I so desperately needed. So I suggest to you a similar road to success. After all, the living deal finances more than the dead. So, logically, if you kill those with a great deal of money, you may take their money. That is my advice to you… as a doctor, and a businessman…because I run my own business…as a doctor.

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Dear Doctor Fitzgerald

Normally I wouldn't bother making inquiries through such coarse mediums but my options for advice are rather limited right now, and I was instructed that writing to you would help maintaining interest or some such nonsense.

A male love interest of mind, something akin to a boyfriend by my understanding of cultures like your own, is the cause of my concern. I well aware that he cares greatly for me and our relationship has grown strong by overcoming great adversity and life threatening situations.

But at times I notice him glancing longingly at a mutual friend and partner of our social group (sometime referred to as a "party"). He also cares greatly for her and their relationship has grown strong by overcoming great adversity and life threatening situations.

If this was any other female I would crush her emotionally and/or physically for daring to come between me and my male until she submitted. But I also care deeply for her and our relationship has grown strong by overcoming great adversity and life threatening situations together. I love her like a sister so crushing her is out of the question.

I'm not entirely sure why she keeps drawing his attention but it may have something to do with him being human and me being Saurial. Any advice Doctor as to what I can do to maintain his interest and defuse this situation without harming either of them? Also it's important to note that I'm currently stuck on a boat and that will impact my options until I can return to dry land.
Some cleaver comment about longing for love and being a Saurial

Dear Cleaver Comment,

Normally I would simply recommend that that you crush all that stand against you…in a civilized and dignified manner… Unfortunately, you have made one of history’s most common mistakes. You have made a friend of your enemy…or an enemy of your friend…or something… Regardless, are faced with the terrible decision of what to do with your friend/enemy (or frienemy as it is known in medical circles).

I believe that the problem lies not with your frienemy, but with the object of your sickening Saurian desires. If you can make him undesirable to your rivals, you can ensure that he shall stay with you (do to a general lack of options and possible great despair). I suggest these two options.

1) Cover him in a foul stench that drives all others from him. This will have three positive benefits. Your frienemy, in fact all rivals for his affection, shall lose interest in him; his self-esteem shall plummet to the point that he becomes pliable and thus a better mate; and of course, he can be used to drive away/draw in dangerous beasts (may not work on abominations or demons, check warning label for details).

2) The second option is simply to transform him so that he is also Saurial. This way you will seem more appealing to him, and he will seem less appealing to anyone with any sense.

For strongest results, I suggest to do both…or you could throw your frienemy overboard…that is much simpler…also you could scare her off, you are most likely frightening to behold. That is my advice… as a love doctor.

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Dear Dr. Fitzgerald

Dr. Fitzgerald why is the sky Blue?

Little Dil'ae Age 48yr

Menzoberranzan, Upper Northdark, Faerûn

Dear Dil’ae (wait… seriously, Dil’ae? What are you a Drow or something?),

In my earliest days at the Orcish Medical School of Orcish Medicine for Orcs I posed the very same question. As it is of course an important medical question. The answer, as are many in life, quite simple and obvious once one thinks of it.

The sky is blue to scare away the Drow. Since no one likes the Drow, not even the Drow, the sky was colored blue to drive them underground. As to why people hate Drow the answer is simple: because they are blue…and we are not. As to why the Drow hate the Drow. The answer is obvious: because they are not blue enough. This drove them to hate themselves, and thus hate the blue sky, and thus drove them underground where there is no sky and little light. This way they do not have to see the sky and do not have o see each other being so blue…yet not quite blue enough. It would be sad, if they were not Drow. They are Drow though…so it not sad…it is happy…because they suffer…and are blue.

If you are a Drow I apologize from any offense, but everyone hates you, especially your own degenerate kind. If you are just a filthy elf, then only some people hate you, and you can be glad you are not a damn degenerate Drow. That is my scientific advice…as a doctor.