Uta ni Katachi wa nai keredo

So even though this song has 1,000,000+ views on Nico and everything, the English community apparently doesn't care about it and there exist no (as far as I can see) translations on the internet (which is hard to believe). So, I had to fix that somehow, but I didn't know how. I tried translating it but now what? Is it good enough? Where do I put it?

Well, I tracked you guys down to find the answers, hopefully.


「歌に形はないけれど」- "Even though my song is intangible"

薄紅の時を彩る花びら
ひらひら舞う光の中
僕は笑えたはず

In those light crimson days framed by flower petals
Surrounded by fluttering lights
I was supposed to laugh

鮮やかな日々に
僕らが残した
砂の城は波に溶けて
きっと夢が終わる

In those days I clearly remember
We lost something
The sandcastle melts into the waves
Surely, the dream is ending

真っ白な世界で目を覚ませば
伸ばす腕は何もつかめない
見上げた空が近くなるほどに
僕は何を失った?

If I wake up in a white world
My extended fingers cannot grasp anything
And when the sky we looked up at grows near
What will I have lost?

透通る波
映る僕らの影は蒼く遠く
あの日僕は世界を知り
それは光となった

Our shadows reflected in the fading waves
Grow more distant into the blue water
On that day, I understood the world
And that became a light

僕は歌うよ
笑顔をくれた君が泣いてるとき
ほんの少しだけでもいい
君の支えになりたい

I will sing
When you, who smiled for me, cry
Just a little is okay
I just want to help you

僕が泣いてしまった日に
君がそうだったように

Just like what you did
On that day when I cried

僕がここに忘れたもの
全て君がくれた宝物
形のないものだけが
時の中で色褪せないまま

What I forgot here
Were the treasures you gave me
Those intangible things are the only
Things that can weather the flow of time

透通る波
何度消えてしまっても
砂の城を僕は君と残すだろう
そこに光を集め

No matter how many times
It may disappear into the fading waves
It was still the sandcastle you and I left behind
Gathering light, wherever it is

僕は歌うよ
笑顔をくれた君が泣いてるとき
頼りのない僕だけれど
君のことを守りたい

I will sing
When you, who smiled for me, cry
Even though I知 pretty unreliable
I want to protect you

遠く離れた君のもとへ
この光が空を越えて羽ばたいてゆく
そんな歌を届けたい

We were separated long ago
But these lights will fly across the sky to you
Wanting to bring you this song

僕が贈るものは全て
形のないものだけど
君の心の片隅で
輝く星になりたい

Everything I知 sending you
Is intangible
I want to become a shining star
Somewhere in your heart


Thoughts?

Looks good mostly. Only a couple things I'd change...

I was supposed to laugh -> I must have been laughing/ I should have been laughing
The way you translated it sounds a bit more like べき than はず, more like an obligation than an expected state. Very similar but I think a different wording might be clearer.

In those days I clearly remember
We lost something
The sandcastle melts into the waves
->
The sandcastle that we left behind
In those bright clear days
Melts into the waves/is washed away
The way I read the verse, the thought continues on from the second line to the third line, and 残した is modifying 砂の城.

Just a little is okay
I just want to help you
->
I want to help you
if only a little bit
I'd say flip these sentences but you could probably make it work in the order you have it. This is just my interpretation of the two lines.

No matter how many times
It may disappear into the fading waves
->
No matter how many times
The transparent waves disappear
What you have actually seems to make more sense in context but I can't figure it out grammatically... I assumed the 波 was the subject, especially since the verb is active voice... wait for a third opinion on this, I guess.

We were separated long ago -> You are far distant from me
I think 遠く is an adverb describing 離れた, and not referring to an extent of time.

Without doubt this is one of the most beautiful songs sung by Miku.
Since my translation is more literal, it’s less beautiful than yours.
Please just take it for your information


薄紅の時を彩る花びら
ひらひら舞う光の中
僕は笑えたはず
Flower petals coloured the time of light coral
In the light those petals were fluttering
I should have smiled
* Literally, the phrase would be "In the light flower petals that coloured the time of light coral were fluttering I should have smiled" but it seemed to be too long.
I translated 薄紅 as light coral though, there might be a word that fits better.
http://www.colordic.org/colorsample/2279.html

鮮やかな日々に
僕らが残した
砂の城は波に溶けて
きっと夢が終わる
The sandcastle we left behind in those bright days
Will melt into the waves
And surely, the dream will end
*I agree with Lygerzero0zero

真っ白な世界で目を覚ませば
伸ばす腕は何もつかめない
見上げた空が近くなるほどに
僕は何を失った?
When I woke up in a white world
My extended fingers could not grasp anything/ I extended my arms but I could not grasp anything
What did I lose every time the sky I looked up at got closer?

透通る波(に)
映る僕らの影は蒼く遠く
Our shadows reflected in the transparent waves were blue and far

ほんの少しだけでもいい
君の支えになりたい
Even just a little
I want to help you

形のないものだけが
時の中で色褪せないまま
Those intangible things are the only
Things that have not/did not weathered in the time

透通る波(に)
何度(砂の城が)消えてしまっても
砂の城を僕は君と(作って)残すだろう
そこに光を集め
Even if so many times the sandcastle disappears into the transparent waves
I will make it with you every time it does/disappears and leave it behind
Gathering lights there
*Probably the subject of the second line 何度消えてしまっても is 砂の城sandcastle. 波waves can be the subject gramatically and would be in the usual case. But I think it’s contextually 砂の城 since this phrase seems to make an antithesis of "The sandcastle we left behind in those bright days will melt into the waves" and 透通る波 is not used as a subject in the preceding phrase.

遠く離れた君のもとへ
この光が空を越えて羽ばたいてゆく
そんな歌を届けたい
To the distant place where you are/To you who are far distant from me
Those lights will fly across the sky
I want to send you the songs of the sort[kind]/like them

僕が贈るものは全て
形のないものだけど
君の心の片隅で
輝く星になりたい
Even though everything I (will) give you
Is intangible
I want to become a star that shines
Somewhere in your heart

Thanks guys.

Hm, that does make a lot more sense.

I took the ほんの少しだけでもいい line to go with the previous line but yeah, it going with the next line makes more sense. I really need to get better at figuring out where thoughts begin and end...

Mm, invisible particle after 波?

But yeah, I originally had it with the waves as the subject until I realized that it didn't make much contextual sense. But then again, I can't see how the way I had it makes grammatical sense. So what about this?

No matter how many times
The fading waves may disappear
It was still where we left our sandcastle behind
Gathering light there

I think you're right.


So do I just submit this somewhere? All I wanted was to change the state of the internet from "having no translation for this song" to "having a translation for this song". Should I upload a YouTube video of it with these subtitled? Is there a council of translators that smacks their hand down on transgressions?

Actually I'd trust blacksaingrain on that one more, and she says that the way you originally had it is right (if her post looks funny try changing your encoding for this page to Shift JIS).

Go ahead and upload it to YouTube or post it on your blog or anything. No one's gonna stop you. Heck, I've seen some pretty flat-out bad translations circulating around before... this site is just to help prevent that.

Tell me if you can’t read my posts because of garbles.
(I'll post them as a JPEG then)

Yeah, many particles, subjects, objects or verbs are hidden in Japanese　sentences, and especially a lot in the lyrics because creators need to transcribe them for the melody. What one can gather from contexts or the common Japanese expressions are usually abbreviated.
Also many kinds of figures of speech are often used in songs and in this song too. An antithesis, a parallelism and 体言止めtaigen-dome"nominal ［ noun ］ ending", which are figures used very often in Japanese songs, would gramatically explain why I thought "waves" is not the subject and "sandcastle" is more natural for it in that phrase. And taking a word or a sentence out of context would not often make sense throughout the whole context even if it is interpreted gramatically correct itself alone. (I think this is the same in English)


Anyway, since both "sandcastle" and "waves" are gramatically correct, it’s up to your interpretation:) And it would be nice to see a new vocaloid song translator on Youtube~

Aaahhhhhhhhh, this song is copyrighted.

http://www2.jasrac.or.jp/eJwid/main.jsp?tr...ubSession=start

Doriko and 19's Sound Factory always register their works on JASRAC...

Someone did post a translation, but they stuck it on Teto's version of the song, so it's impossible to find.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3T6YX5nz8A

However, you could still go ahead with your translation. C: Especially if yours is better labeled and easier to find, hahaha. They people will actually know it's there.
Oh, and by the way, I thought their translation was fairly good, so you could also look at it and compare it to yours if you'd like an additional opinion on the lyrics.