» Piece of Your Heart, Private

[Eli Swan]

Please do not use this in the Daily Prophet for the sake of plot purposes. This thread happens in private because Eli and Cash will not have been seen, overheard or otherwise noticed because they have taken the proper precautions by being alone in the dorm and closing the door. The only character who might have had an opportunity to witness this would be Chace; if Lexi would like to discuss that possibility she is welcome to contact Lynn/Beanie.

Eli had been carrying around the Snitch since he'd taken it, and it was probably just his imagination, but it seemed like it weighed more and more every single step he took, until now, a few days later, it was basically the only thing he could think about. He needed to get the burden off his chest, he needed to get the Snitch back to Cash. Which was difficult, because Eli wasn't even sure Cash had realized it was gone yet, with his room as much of a mess as it always was. Then again, maybe he did already know it was gone. Maybe he even suspected Eli, and that was why he hadn't mentioned it at all, hadn't asked yet hey, have you seen the Snitch?

Or, more logically, if Cash had started to miss it, he just might not have had an opportunity to ask him yet. They didn't exactly hang out all the time, nowadays. Which was what this was supposed to fix. This was what they had agreed to; hang out, just the two of us, just like old times. Yes.

Except in "old times" Eli hadn't had all those not-correct feelings about Cash and he wouldn't have stolen his Snitch and if he had taken it, he would have at least known why, but he didn't, and that was what made this hard.

Entering their shared dorm room and feeling like he was marked for execution, Eli found Cash with a little half smile. "You ready to go hang out?" he asked, hands in his pockets around the beaten little Snitch.

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  If there was anything Cash learned after every quidditch season ended, it was that he didn't have much to do outside of quidditch. It was a revelation that was especially true this year, when Eli was hanging out with so many other people. Which was a shame, because pining was a lot easier when Eli was around.

He had been studying, which was good - he had a list of grades he needed for NEWT classes somewhere, and was vastly opposed to not achieving at least five of them - but also bad. Because studying left a corner of his mind free to wander, and when that happened he thought of...

Eli. They were hanging out today, hurrah! Cash was half excited because Eli, and half dreading it because he had to pretend to be normal. He squinted at his notes on Falco Aesalon and Transfiguration regulations and waited for Eli, trying to squash the excitement fluttering in his chest by lying on a pillow. It wasn't working.

Finally, Eli entered the room. Cash sat up and threw his pillow back to the head of his bed, beaming. "Eli!" he said, trying his best to sound like he normally did. How did he normally sound? Shit.

Pining sucked. So hard. "Yeah, I'm ready," he said, running a hand through his hair quickly. Sasdafugkabadush I want to kiss you. Damnit.

ooc: i sounded that out as i typed it

[Eli Swan]

Cash was happy and smiling, which made Eli want to smile but somehow the Snitch in his pocket, which suddenly weighed more than a hippogriff egg despite it's size, kept his smile from actually reaching his eyes. He had to give it back. He had to explain why he'd taken it. Why had he taken it? Damn.

Eli stood, awkwardly, knowing that he needed to give Cash the Snitch now or else he wouldn't be able to think about anything else the whole rest of the time that they were hanging out. And this was a very important hang-out session. It was supposed to prove so many things; that Eli and Cash could be just friends, and Eli could and had moved on, that things didn't have to be weird, that they actually had made up for all of the weirdness in that year. It wasn't going to do any of that unless he got this weight off of his shoulders first.

Of course, Eli didn't really know what he was planning on saying, and there was the possibility that Cash wouldn't want to hang out afterwards. That he'd be weirded out. That things would be worse, not better. Still, it would be better at least to know, instead of just dreading it.

"Hey, before that," he said very hesitantly, his hands still around the mangled Snitch. "I have a--a confession, I guess." Meeting Cash's eyes was impossible, so instead Eli chose to look at the foot of his bed, head low, already defeated before he'd even brought up the object of his guilt.

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  Cash laid a finger against his neck, feeling his pulse just to make sure his heart wasn't racing like he half-thought it was. It wasn't, but he didn't find that particularly calming. The small amount of research he had put into this sort of thing had proven that, worst case scenario, he could be executed. And he was a Lestrange, he knew what would happen. Half of the family was fully qualified for 'disappearing' him.

He couldn't change it, though. And when Eli said he had a confession, Cash had to fight hard to keep his voice normal and level. "What is it?" he asked, trying to stop himself from begging the universe. Please please please. The chances of Eli reciprocating were so slim, if only because he had already denied it. But still: please please please.

[Eli Swan]

Do it, he urged himself. Just tell him. If you don't make a big deal about it, he won't, either. While this was doubtless true, it was also, for all intents and purposes, impossible. He had already spent so much time thinking about what he would say to Cash--and not coming to any conclusions about it--that now his heart was basically racing in anticipation of the event.

There was no way to handle this correctly; there was no logical explanation for stealing his roommate's Snitch. Unless he was going to practice Quidditch, but Cash would probably be just as suspicious of that lie as he would to Eli's real lack of reason. For one thing, Eli had never had an interest in playing Quidditch, just watching--specifically watching Cash. To make things more complicated, he didn't own a broom, which Cash knew, and if he was going to go through the hassle of signing one of the school brooms out, he'd might as well sign out a school Snitch, too.

No, there was no way to do it. Best just to throw it out, then.

"I took your Snitch, from your Quidditch set," he said quickly, as if pausing for breathe would make him lose his resolve. "I don't know why but I did and then I was going to return it but it flew away and I don't have a broom so I couldn't catch it so I froze it and now it's--well--" Here he drew the thing out of his pocket, limp and tired-looking and overall just pathetic.

He hadn't looked at Cash. He had no idea how he was reacting to this. "And I'm sorry," he said after a short pause so that Cash could see the Snitch. "I'm really sorry, I didn't know what to do and I don't know why I took it and I really was going to return it I promise and I guess maybe I just wanted to carry something of yours around I guess--" Did I really just say that? Merlin! "Anyway, I don't know, it was stupid. I can buy you a new one if we can't fix it, I don't really have any money right now but I make money in the summer with my violin and I could buy one, a new one for you. I'm sorry, really."

Please don't notice what I said, please please please.

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  The confession was, unfortunately, not what he wanted to hear. Cash cocked his head at Eli. He had not even noticed that the snitch was missing, and likely would not have until he went home and went to practice. With a fluid motion, Cash stood up and took the snitch, half-studying it and half-listening to Eli.

The snitch was rather pathetic looking, and Cash just barely managed to stop his mind from making any pathetic self metaphors. "It's fine," he said, automatically, tossing it from one hand to the other. His eyebrow shot up at Eli's statement, and hope grew in his chest again. No matter how many stop it, Cash's he thought, he couldn't just stop it.

"It'll be fine," he said, smiling a tiny bit at Eli and pocketing the snitch. "If we can't figure it out, Claude might be able to." Cash had a lot of faith in the abilities of his older brother, who had tried to handle many of Valeria and Cash's crises without complaint. "Worst case scenario, I guilt my mother. You didn't mean it."

"Why did you want to carry something of mine?" Cash asked, having a sudden, pulse-racing urge to kiss Eli. Stop it, Cash.

[Eli Swan]

Eli thought maybe he'd gotten away with his little slip, which made him almost as happy as hearing that Cash wasn't mad about it. Of course, it would be fine--Cash was making sense. Someone would know how to fix it. And Cash had money, or his parents did, so things getting broken were a much lesser deal for him.

His heart stopped beating again when Cash asked his last question, though. He'd been perfectly willing to drop it, but now it had been brought up and now they'd have to address it before they hung out and it looked like things might end up being awkward after all. Drat. This wasn't what he wanted...

"Uhm, because," he began lamely, not really sure what to say. "I don't know. It doesn't really make sense." What to say, what to say? His head wasn't making any headway at all on the subject, so his mouth apparently decided to continue without him: "You're my friend, and I like you. I guess it made sense. At the time. I don't know."

Oh Merlin, oh Merlin, oh Merlin. It wasn't technically a confession, but it was far too close for comfort...

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  Cash glanced at Eli and listened, struggling with himself internally. You should kiss him, and no, that's a shit idea, and just stop it, Cash! It was all extremely unhelpful, so he gave up on all of that for the purpose of concentrating on Eli's words.

You're my friend, and I like you. Oh, Merlin. Cash had never even heard a more up-in-the-air sentence, and he had said a lot of those lately. His thoughts bounced around for a second, oh god what did he mean, and please please please and a bundle of swear words he was probably misusing. "I-" would really like to do couple things with you.

And then he wasn't even thinking, he was just doing. Cash leaned over and, not even thinking that this could ruin their friendship or worse, kissed Eli. For a few glorious seconds, it hadn't even sunk in what he had done, and he was just... kissing the person he really, really, wanted to kiss.

His head kicked in, though, and started making some sort of shimmy backwards. "Um." Oh no oh no oh no he's not going to want to be my friend anymore and oh NO what if I get executed. Cash was swiftly turning read. "Er." He had a sudden urge to run out of the room and leave the country - Australia sounded quite nice, now that he thought about it - but unfortunately, Eli was in the way of the door and he didn't think he had the presence of mind to flee successfully. Well, hell.

[Eli Swan]

His world was turning upside down. What was happening to him? Had he imagined that, had he dreamed it? Maybe Cash had been so mad about the Snitch that he'd accidentally knocked Eli out. Maybe this was some sort of weird unconscious dream. Maybe Cash had killed him and this was heaven. It sort of felt like heaven.

It couldn't be, though, because Cash pulled away, almost as soon as Eil had time to register what that feeling was, that Oh Merlin Cash's lips were against his lips and that meant they were KISSING Oh Merlin, and if this was really heaven then Eli didn't think Cash would stop kissing him that quickly.

Cash. Cassius Lestrange.

Cassius Lestrange had kissed him. Cash has kissed him.

"Oh," he said, his face still frozen from the shock of it. One of his hands raised, his fingers brushing against his lower lip as it some physical remanent of their kiss would be found there. What could he possibly say? That couldn't have really just happened. Maybe someone had slipped him a hallucinogenic potion. This couldn't be real. "Oh," he said again, then, with some difficulty, managed to look up at Cash. "Did that--?" he asked, and didn't feel he needed to finish the sentence.

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  Cassius mentally debated the merits of leaping through the windows when Eli spoke. He only registered this on a conscious level because there was no yelling, no shrieking, no what the hell, Cash? His heart stopped racing for a moment, his thoughts swirled into something more workable.

He mussed his hair up with his hand, half-wishing he could at least regret kissing Eli. He didn't. And kissing his best friend hadn't brought on some other epiphany, some 'I don't actually like him' thought, because he still felt the same. He wasn't sure what he thought about that. He did know he would have liked to kiss Eli again.

"Uh," he said, "Yeah. That.... happened." He was probably just digging a deeper hole for himself, but whatever. If this got out, at least Lucius would probably kill him quickly.

"I'm," he wanted to say he was sorry, but Cassius Lestrange didn't say he was sorry when he didn't regret things, or even when he did. "Yes." At least the door had been closed.

[Eli Swan]

Eli wondered if Cash could see his heart, because it definitely wasn't in his chest any more; it was impossible that so much fluttering and jumping could possibly be contained within Eli's small frame. It had been bad with just the situation, but then Cash had to run his hands through his hair, which was so adorable and only made things worse for Eli's poor jumpy insides, and to make things even worse the way that he moved his hand to do it meant that just the tiniest little bit of his stomach peeked out from beneath his shirt and Cash had Quidditch muscles and Eli wanted very much to see the rest of them and his heart was no doubt flying circles around the room at this point, because it sure as anything wasn't in his chest any longer.

When Cash spoke, Eli felt like the floor had suddenly fallen out from under him. Where was he? What was happening? Cash couldn't really mean that, could he? What had actually just happened had actually just happened? His first instinct was to say Alright, so it happened. Did you mean for it to happen? Either way it meant that there was something there--that Cash had some buried thoughts, similar to the ones Eli had been wrestling with. Two months ago, Eli had thought he was the only one in the world who had to deal with having a crush on their best friend, and now all of the sudden there was Iggy and now there was Cash, Cash Lestrange of all people, who apparently had the same thing?

Cash's unfinished I'm, to Eli, meant I'm like you. It was that thing that even Eli couldn't give a name to, even in his thoughts, much less out loud--imagine if he had had to tell Cash that he liked him!--that thing that he knew was wrong but which didn't feel wrong, the thing that somehow Iggy understood even without ever speaking of it. Eli was whatever it was, and Cash, at least in Eli's mind, had just admitted that he was, too, and that he didn't have a name for it, either, and that meant that they were together in the feeling, together in the unknown, together with each other.

"Oh," he said again, his body still in shock. Without thinking, he threw himself into a hug; it felt the most natural thing in the world, now that he knew that they were the same. Society and their friends and families and school and Iggy meant nothing; he and Cash were together, together against everything else in the world. Wrapping his thin arms around Cash's muscular torso, Eli hugged as tightly as he could, not wanting to give Cash a chance to escape, to change his mind. He didn't want this moment to change.

"Oh, Cash," he said, quietly. His chin was resting on Cash's shoulder, so his friend's ear was only a few inches from his lips. It didn't need to be loud. It was just for Cash, and Cash was close, and Eli hoped he would stay this close forever.

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  For one brief, terrifying second, Cash thought Eli was going to hit him. He wasn't sure why the idea of this was mortifying; after all, Cassius spent a good portion of his time trying to catch a tiny golden ball while also trying to avoid circular glorified flying rocks that were trying to kill him. If it were to get down to it, he could have easily overpowered Eli physically. (The fear, he would later realize, was of losing Eli entirely.)

The reality was much better, and after a tiny flinch, Cash settled into the hug. Cash closed his eyes and held Eli tight. His throat constricted like he was going to cry, but he wasn't sad. An overwhelming sense of relief and gladness had washed over him. The ball of anxiety over everything that had been happening started to unwind in his mind.

It was amazing what a hug could do. He knew he needed to speak but couldn't find anything to say. I'm sorry, Eli, didn't fit, but the sense that what he felt was wrong somehow insisted on it.

"Thank Merlin," he murmured, "I mean-" I thought you liked girls, I thought you'd hate me, I thought i was going to die. "I'm happy." Of all the sentences he could have said, that was probably the simplest. It was true, too. Of all the outcomes Cassius had expected, this had not nearly been close to being one. It was, however, by far the best.

[Eli Swan]

Eli could feel himself floating, walking on clouds. Cash was happy. Because Eli had hugged him. Wow.

"Me, too," he confessed, letting out a brief giggle despite himself and burying the noise in Cash's shoulder. He couldn't help it, he felt giddy. Nothing that had ever happened to him before had produced a reaction quite like this one.

"How long have you...?" he felt himself starting to say, but he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to ask. How long have you liked me? How long have you been this way? How long have you wanted to say that? He didn't know if there was a difference or if it would matter; and honestly, it didn't matter much how long, all that matter was that it was.

[Cassius Lestrange*]

Cassius Lestrange:I feel like, I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters and I'll admit here, while I sit here my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

  "I," he said, "well, I think I've liked you for a while." Cash's epiphanies often didn't arrive until his subconscious had long been aware of things. "But I didn't actually realize I was," he waved his hand behind Eli's back, "yeah, I didn't realize until after the Quidditch match. I mean, I said those things after the family thing, so.... yeah."

He paused, thought, said, "what about you? I mean, I don't think it matters, but..." He had a driving need to know. Except not really. He had a driving need to spend the rest of forever hugging Eli like this.

[Eli Swan]

"Uhm, forever!" Eli said with a smile on his face; it was probably an exaggeration, but it didn't feel like one. How long had he wanted to hug Cash? He couldn't remember a time that he didn't want to be around Cash. Ever. Sure, things were a little more innocent in first year, but that was because things were always more innocent in first year. It wasn't as though the dynamic had changed at all--Eli had always wanted Cash. The only thing up for debate was how much he wanted him, and how okay society was with it. Eli hadn't realized that there were other people in the world who felt the way he did until--

Until Iggy.

Shit.

Iggy.

"Oh," he said, pulling away from Cash, painful as it was. "Oh. I have to tell you something," he said, much as he didn't want to say it. Maybe he could just go break things off with Iggy and never tell Cash? No, that felt wrong. Terribly wrong. Besides, Iggy was so wonderful... he just wasn't Cash.

"I knew you said that stuff after the family thing," he said, relishing the saying of it. "But then when we had that fight I--I don't know, I didn't think you--I mean I guess you didn't, then--but--yeah."

Yeah, he hadn't actually said anything yet. This was much harder than it had appeared at first.