» The Sharpest Lives, Tag for Gaia!

[Pandora Zane]

Pan no longer tried to rest; in fact, she hadn't bothered to try for several days now. Once upon a time, she had been a heavy sleeper, one who passed out cold nearly as soon as her head hit the pillow and would not wake for hours, but times had changed; she had changed.

It had been nearly a month now since Pan first realized she was pregnant and even longer since the baby had truly been conceived. Since then, she had not talked to Ouranos, nor had she made another attempt at reaching out to Gaia. Though she slept a floor above her sister each night, they never so much as looked at one another. For Pandora, who had never gone out of her way to make friends but had instead had only flirted with men when the whim arose, time at school was passing very slowly, and she was very lonely. The baby-her baby, and his-was her only consolation. Despite the fact that it would be some time before the baby would be capable of moving at all, and that it couldn't possibly have kicked yet, Pan had been feeling a painful fluttering in her chest for the past few hours or so; stubbornly, resolutely, she believed that it was the baby, reaching out to her, comforting her because it knew she had no one else left.

It was late at night, and stuffy and hot with the approaching summer. Her bed was nearest the far side of the room, and she had opened the window nearby for fresh air. The velvety curtains fluttered in the warm breeze, and outside, crickets chirped their song.

Pan squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on the sound of it, willing her troubling thoughts away, but each time she tried, their face's shimmered in the far recesses of her mind-Gaia, harsh and closed and unforgiving, and Ouranos, grinning, blissfully ignorant of the truth.

How had she let this happen? Sullenly, dramatically, Pan rolled over onto her side-and her breath escaped in a gasp, her stomach contracting in a sudden pain, much like before but stronger. More persistent.

"Oh," she breathed in, unable to manage anything more as she stumbled to her feet. Suddenly, her whole body trembled with heat. She tried helplessly to shut the window, but she could hardly manage even to lift her arms-arms which she had worked at in quidditch until they were toned and strong.

Her breath choked off in her throat as the pain came again, increasing steadily, cutting and sharp. She made it to the bathroom, determined to walk and not to crawl, shaking and shivering and fighting for every sweet gasp of air. She grabbed at the door knob, fumbled with the knob. The fact that the world swam dizzily before her eyes, the awful, unbelievable pain in her gut the equivalent of all of her years of womanly bleedings, and the sweat that slicked her palms made it nearly impossible to turn. Finally, inexplicably, she managed to shove down the door, where she fell upon the threshold and the wood snapped back against the wall behind it with an audible crack; it was a wonder no one had woken, yet they all slept on peacefully.

Pandora was in turmoil. On the floor and on her back now, she kicked the door shut with a foot and dragged herself to the toilet, whereupon she vomited copiously. Pan, who had rarely ever seen a day of sickness in her life and had always been healthier than anyone could dare to wish, had done so only once before, when she had caught spattergroit as a small child; that, though, could not compare to the agony she felt now. It was as though with each time she wretched, an invisible knife drove deeper and deeper into her gut, punishing her mercilessly.

Her hair was slick with sweat, that she knew, but when she found the energy to glance feebly down at herself, she saw something doubly more startling-her worn old nightgown was sticky with red.

[Gaia Zane]

Restless as she was, Gaia found herself unable to sleep for what seemed like the hundredth night in a row (in reality she hadn't slept in two days) Pandora's words haunted her. Their whole fight-through only letters-played through her mind constantly. If Pan had just told her, if Gaia had managed to keep her mouth shut, if Ouranos had only loved Gaia and not Pandora.

Such thoughts were immediately followed by the extroadinary sense of guilt. Guilt was an interesting emotion, one Gi only felt during the time after her parents' death. It consumed the person it affected and burned them alive. And as the distressed teen laid under her thinner maroon quilt, she felt as though her skin were aflame. Bright red flames licked at her arms, her legs, her hair. She wouldn't last another day feeling like this, but Gaia was far too angry to try and fix things with her only sister.

Loud bangs came from the hall-way. Half startling her out of her self-induced pity party, half registering as somewhat normal sounds in the Gryffindor tower. But the clunks then continued, doors slammed, and then the familiar sound of retching echoed through the cold, stone hallways.

Ashamed at her dorm mates for being able to sleep through such racket, Gi climbed out of her bed and pulled on her heavy Gryffindor schemed robe. Her bare feet padded on the floor as she hurried towards the bathroom half a flight up. But just as soon as her pace increased, it stopped. Blood. The dark, sticky liquid clumped in paths through the doorway and around the corner.

"Hel-" Gi's voice trailed off as she stumbled across the body lying across the floor.

Pan.

Time was suddenly moving too fast, what was occurring one second ago seemed obsolete now. There was so much blood, where was it coming from? How could she stop it? "Pandora!" She whispered horrified, as she kneeled next to the toilet bowl and wrapped her arm around the retching girl's shoulders. "Pan," Gi stumbled over her what to say next, 'what's wrong?' wasn't exactly appropriate. "Pandora, what is happening? How can I help you?"

[Pandora Zane]

The world tilted on its axis, back, and forth, and back, and forth again. Pandora swung with it, endlessly, painfully, and the only solid thing in the world was the little porcelain chamber pot-slick, sticky, metallic with her blood-that she clung to so feverishly; if it let go, it seemed to her, everything would spin away from her, and she would fall into oblivion.

Bile rose in her throat, but she bit it back until her teeth drew blood, and it lodged in her throat, sickly sweet and coarse, before tumbling past her lips in a rush. Her hair had come loose of its headband-a pretty, golden thing emblazoned with the Gryffindor crest-and it hung around her now, wet with perspiration.

Pan was cold and hot all at once, as though she stood feverish in the snow, and not bleeding profusely in the spacious lady's bathroom in the girl's dormitories.

The pain was all-encompassing, and it wasn't until the door swung open on its hinges that she-propelling herself upward a miniscule amount and with great effort-could see that someone had indeed heard, and that they were here. Even now, bloodied and ruined, Pandora was proud; the very idea of being seen this way made her even more nauseous, even more sick and angry and frustrated and hurt. She knew, and knew well, that a dramatic image stuck in one's mind, stuck fast; whomever it was that was about to see her, they would never forget, and every time they met, they would see her this way-helpless, and weak. And for all that Pan was boyish, obnoxious, overzealous, bullheaded-she was not helpless. No, never that; there could be nothing more humiliating.

Try as she might, though, she could not hoist herself upward and it was that, more than the pain or anything else, that brought tears to her eyes. "Get out!" she snapped when the newcomer began hesitantly to speak, "Don't look at me! GET. OUT." Her voice was nothing more than a raised whisper, but it was fierce and demanding all the same. The effort it took even to speak made her want to punch a wall-not, of course, that she could at the moment.

Oh, god, why on earth wouldn't it stop? What was happening to her? What-

Oh. Oh, of course. How could she not have seen? How could she not have known?

In her absence of thought-thought so serious and intensive that she had momentarily forgotten the awful pain-she had allowed the girl to move farther into the room, and she knelt down now beside her. It was Gaia, she knew now, despite that she didn't look up; she would know that voice anywhere, even in this sort of agony.

What is happening? her sister's words echoed in Pandora's head, but she simply didn't have it in her to respond. The fire-the fire that seemed always to burn within her, fueling her every passionate word and action-had sputtered and died. On the floor was something, coated in blood, slippery and half formed.

The baby.

Blankly, Pan raised a shaking hand and rubbed it against her nightgown, but the blood stuck fast, already dried. The stench clung about her, like metal rotted through, rusty and sickening and fetid.

Her attempt to reply caught in her throat; she couldn't even shake her head, let alone speak.

[Gaia Zane]

Everything in the dark bathroom was coated with blood. It was pouring out of her like a heavy rain storm on an early spring day. Through the frosty glass windows the beginning of a new day could be seen. The sun's rays were breaking through the dark night sky, casting everything in it's reach in an eerie glow.

But unlike the beautiful start of a new day, Pandora's pain seemed to be forever lasting.

"Pandora." Thinking her only sister was dying, Gaia's voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "We have to get you to Miss Black. I don't know-" If Pan died ... if Pan died, Gi would never forgive herself for being so angry with her. Their fight seemed so petty, what with it being over a boy and all. "I don't know how to fix you. Where are you bleeding from? Did you fall?"

She saw Pan trying to wipe away the blood, 'always so modest' Gaia thought with a frown. That's when she saw it, the blob of unformed flesh lying in the midst of the blood. It was so tiny, so small. Gaia wouldn't of known what it was had she not had witnessed a miscarriage of one of the villagers when they loved back at home. She did know what it was, though, she knew all too well. Pandora had been pregnant.

Another surge of anger pulsed through her. Not only was Pan sleeping with her best friend, but she had been foolish enough to get pregnant too? This whole situation was nearly comical. Of course Pandora got pregnant, Gi was stupid to believe anything otherwise.

However, when she tried to pull herself away from Pan, she couldn't. Her older sister, her best friend, her favorite person in the world was in excruciating. Gaia couldn't leave her, Gi could never leave Pan. "You're going to be okay. Everything will be okay. I promise."

[Pandora Zane]

With an incredible force of will in lieu of the situation, Pan steadied her shaking and smoothed a strand of tawny hair out of her eyes, tucking it purposefully behind her ear with her cleaner hand.

She would not allow herself to continue to fall apart, not while Gaia-Gaia, who had been so terribly angry at her-was here to see. Pained as she was, it was simply not an option, not even an existent possibility.

Ignoring Gaia's suggestion-a suggestion that she could not, of course, even think to honor, though her sister couldn't possibly know that-she managed to settle herself into a more comfortable position. She wanted for water, and desperately, but she was still too weak even to so much as consider standing, and the very idea of asking Gaia for anything made her cringe inwardly; how could she ever ask her for anything again after everything that had happened? For the sake of her pride, she felt she never would.

The next question seemed so utterly ludicrous, though she knew that her sister had not meant to broach it in quite the way Pan had taken it-that at first she could only bite her lip against a bitter smile.

"It's already fixed, isn't it Gaia?" she breathed, folding her arms against her abdomen; it hadn't even expanded at all yet, almost as though in this moment she had lost nothing at all save for blood and happiness-as though the baby had never even existed. "This is-what you wanted." Her voice wasn't accusatory. She was too tired for that, and too humbled by what she had done to Gaia; rather, her tone was matter-of-fact, as though she were merely commenting on the weather.

Once upon a time, Pandora had wanted that too, but her surety had waned with time; she knew now that she would give anything to regain that baby as it once had been, but it was too late now. She had gotten her wish; both of them had.

"Maybe this is how it's supposed to be." she added in a hesitant murmur, falling back against the wall wearily. "To make it up to you."

Pan could practically sense, as though the two of them were one, the blatant disgust and hurt and anger that Gaia roiled with as the realization hit her; she was surprised, though, and grudgingly touched, to find that she didn't leave just yet. Something, whatever it had been, had made her stay.

[Gaia Zane]

Frozen. In one minute, time went from moving all too quickly to standing perfectly still. Had Gaia even known Pandora was pregnant, she never would've wished for this. Never. Not in an infinite amount of years. Even if they 'hated' each other (which was utterly false; for even when Gi wanted to hate Pan, she couldn't) they were sisters. And sisters always had to look out for one another.

"What are you talking about?" Gi whispered sadly, "Never. I'd never wish this on you." Carefully, she moved from her knelt position and sat as close to Pan as she could get. The blood didn't mean much now, she'd just have to wash their clothes thoroughly at a later date. "You don't have to make anything up to me. What you did sucks, really does, but you're my sister. I'd never wish for you to be hurt."

Grimly, Gi held Pandora's hand tightly. Her own hurt and anger would have to wait until she was alone again, and hopefully by then grief would be a distant term to her. Maybe if she was given enough time she'd be able to carefully lock her emotions away.

The sun's rays were stronger now. The yellow light casting shadows through the top window panes. The expedition started tomorrow. How would Pandora's body be healed enough by then to be capable of such a hard journey? Maybe the government would let her take her sister's place. Gaia was physically fit; she often took walks around the grounds, and, sometimes, the forbidden forest. Pandora wasn't the one whom had a point to give back to Gi, no, it was quite the other way around.

"Did Ouranos-" This felt so wrong, talking about her best friend's now dead babe. Pan never should have been put in such a position in the first place. Damn Apollo for allowing her to work. Ouranos probably picked her up from work and then the next thing they know they were rolling about in his bed. "Did he know?"

[Pandora Zane]

Gaia's selflessness served only to make Pandora feel more guilty for what she had done; at the very least, she might have remained angry, or perhaps even indifferent to her sister's pain. This genuine concern, however, was too much for her to bear.

As for the matter of Ouranos-well, Pan wasn't entirely sure what she felt where he was concerned. When she thought of him, did she feel the same spark, the same quickening pulse, the same jolt of awareness? Of course. But was that justification for what she had done? No, not at all.

Pan felt treasonous even for considering an alternative to isolation from him, and yet the possibility of spending the rest of her life without Ouranos seemed akin to an eternity rife with despair. She had never fallen in love before, and had never known it prior to meeting him, but she had always been reckless and bold-perhaps for that reason, the feelings within her were doubly intensified, so strong and potent that sometimes she could hardly breath for the enormity of them; when she had fallen, she had fallen hard, and sometimes it seemed as though there was no going back.

Did her sister feel the same way? The very idea of having Ouranos torn from her-and by someone so close, no less-made Pan writhe with malcontent, and she could see that pain reflected in Gaia's eyes.

No-she couldn't face all of this, not just yet. There was the here and now to deal with-the searing agony in her gut, the bloodied bathroom floor, the sun breaking through the slats in the blinds warning that others would be awakening soon, and the long, dangerous journey fast approaching.

"You are too kind by half, Gi." Pan replied finally, smiling a bitter smile. Was it possible that Gaia held within her enough virtue for the two of them? Pandora felt dirty, and not just because her nightgown was sticky with red-no, it went deeper than that, right into her very being, an irreversible stain on her conscience and her heart.

Again, Pan made a valiant effort at standing, and nearly made it too, but the world swung around her once more like an awful merry-go-round, and she was forced to lower herself delicately to the floor for fear that she would fall if she didn't, perhaps wounding herself even further or, worse yet, waking the sleeping girls in the next room.

Ouranos, of course, knew nothing of this, but the fact made Pandora feel even worse-like a whore, a plaything that had been thrown away. What if he did not feel the same way she did? What if it was all a lie, and her convictions in him utterly without basis? Gaia, after all, was the clever one-and she had known him longer. Horrified by the thought, she ignored her sister's question for the time being, and instead managed, "We must clean everything and be gone from here within a few minutes. I can't stand yet, though; would you hand me a rag?"

Her surroundings were beginning to come into hazy focus, and the urge to vomit-while still admittedly strong-was coming and going by turns now, and not a constant force to be reckoned with. She imagined that if she could remain where she was, she would be able to mop up some of the mess. Hopefully, it wouldn't stain-but then, Pandora had always been hopeless with household chores, and that was in healthy condition.

[Gaia Zane]

Pandora's feeble attempt to stand only served to further break Gaia's heart. When would this night of misery end? Of course Pan hadn't told Ouranos, she hadn't told anyone. Why would she tell the father? "Stay-stay still for a few moments." She whispered, feeling vulnerable once more. Pandora was supposed to be the strong one, she was supposed to be able to stand back up no matter what troubles were thrown her way. And now? Pan couldn't even stand without being unsteady.

She wanted to go back into her dormitory. She wanted to shut her eyes and pretend none of this ever happened. She wanted - Gaia wanted to sweep these memories under the carpet and act as though none of this ever happened.

This night was never going away, though.

"Pandora." Gaia's resolve was breaking now, she had to get away from her sister. She couldn't stand in her sister's blood and keep the tears from falling. "Pandora." She spoke much softer now, "Just please, stay still. I'll clean this up. You have to leave in a few hours. You ought to get some rest." A steady stream of tears was falling from her cheeks now. This was too much, Gaia couldn't handle this much anguish over the course of one night.

[Pandora Zane]

Pandora felt weak-and there was nothing she loathed more in the world than weakness, especially in herself.

Angry-not with Gaia, in truth, but with her own frustrating lack of strength-Pan brushed her sister's attempts at assistance away with a wave of her hand; that motion alone pained her, though she turned her face away briefly to hide the agony that surely showed in her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous," she snapped, though the force of it was lost in lieu of how thin her voice had turned, "I can't leave you to clean up this mess when-when it's my fault in the first place."

Gripping the chamber pot's rim so hard that her knuckles turned white, Pan finally managed to propel herself into a standing position-or at least, in theory, though her legs shook so hard that the accomplishment proved a fundamentally useless one.

"Gi-" Her words were soft, but her eyes were sharp. "Perhaps you should-go. Get some sleep. You shouldn't have to worry about this."

[Gaia Zane]

Immediately after Pandora spoke her final words Gaia snapped back to reality. Her tears weren't necessary, what was she crying for anyway? She wasn't the one whom had just lost a baby. That was Pandora. Gaia had to be strong for her sister. Gi had to be strong, period. "Pan- go. Go back to bed. I mean it. I can clean this disastrous mess. It's the least I can do after I- after my reaction." She continued mopping at the blood, wishing she had thought to bring her wand with her. What kind of witch was she, anyway? Forgetting her wand when she was going to investigate a strange noise.

Gaia was stupid, so incredibly stupid.

"How could you possibly expect me to leave you like this?" She demanded while wiping the last of her tears. "How can you expect me to sleep after seeing this? Do you think I'm so evil as to leave my sister, my only sister, bleeding on the floor? I'm not a bloody Slytherin, nor am I heartless. I love you. You're my family, and God knows how little of that we have left. I'm not going anywhere."

[Pandora Zane]

Pandora couldn't help but feel responsible as her sister fought back tears-but only vaguely, for she was beginning to grow rather lightheaded if truth be told. Perhaps it was the loss of blood, or the pain, or some awful combination of the two; whatever the reason, it was becoming more and more difficult to gather her bearings.

She would be leaving for the trail in the morning, and at this rate she doubted she would last one day let alone procure the winnings and a plot of land, as she had once hoped to do. Nevertheless, her pride simply would not allow her to crawl under the covers while her sister scrubbed the blood of her miscarriage off the floor. No, it was too much. Even if she did agree, she would toss and turn all night with the thought of it.

"Don't be ridiculous." she said forcefully. "I won't catch a wink of sleep if I let you do this yourself-bad enough as it is that I'm letting you help."

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Pan withdrew her wand and began to siphon away the crimson stains-first from her dressing gown, and then from the floor. She was oddly moved by Gaia's words-moved, and frustrated, and incredibly guilty. "You don't owe me anything, Gaia." she said gently. "After what I've done."