» At Last I See The Light, Private

[Rupert Hamilton]

and it's like the fog has lifted, and at last i see the light
and it's like the sky is new, and it's warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted...
all at once everything looks different, now that i see you

He felt like he had a fever. A strange one, that not only made his cheeks hot and his head feel disoriented, but it also felt like his heart was pumping ten times faster than usual, sending the blood hurtling round his body, driven by some supernatural force he could not explain. His attention span had deteriorated gravely, too. He couldn't focus, he couldn't think about anything that was not right at the forefront of his mind, and the only thing there was... well, today. Here and now.

He had taken a Portkey and walked - feverishly - down the drive to the Brownings' house in Cornwall. He had planned on knocking and waiting to be escorted into some room and met there... but the door loomed up impassively and he almost felt too anxious to risk meeting someone else first. It was like a secret, a burden, and he felt certain it would escape him if he didn't share it solely with the right person; no one else had such a right to know - though it seemed everyone else had predicted such a moment would come one day. Still, privacy. Peace and privacy.

Instead, he scrawled a quick note explaining where he'd be waiting, cast a charm upon it to send it gliding directly to its recipient, then spun on his heel and wandered into their gardens, across a lawn and a little ways away from the house, retracing the steps of a walk they'd once taken. The spring weather was mild and warm, hopeful seeming. Finding a suitable spot just under the shade of a sprawling, slowly blossoming tree, he stopped, swaying slightly on his feet in what must have been classified as anticipation, though it was something all the more overwhelming he felt. Felt, feeling; Rupert was having trouble doing little else these days and he wasn't sure he missed his steadier thinking days all that much. Of what value had they been? He might have been sharp-minded but something had always been missing, there was that emptiness. And he had never realised, never thought that someone felt any true, deep affection for him, much less love. He hated to admit it, but the word still scared him, sent a striking blow to his heart as he fumbled over his ideas of what it was supposed to mean...

And then he looked up, the sickness right to his stomach evaporating as suddenly as his light eyes locked onto an approaching figure. And, having looked up and seen her, Rupert could not pull his gaze away. He could not alter the expression in his eyes, he could not bear to not look at her, he could not think about anything else in the world and for a moment or two, he just didn't want to. He still hadn't even decided precisely what he was going to say that would explain anything, but his lips were already forming her name aloud.

[Ayumi Browning]

I'm a girl with the best intentions

And I want something that I want Something I tell myself I need Something that I want

Most of young upper class debutantes that would take the love of their life in the house would probably wear some sorts of elegant dress. They would tighten themselves up in their corsets and spend hours on their hair, probably with a servant, of course. Ayumi was not like them. She decided to show in a more traditional attire for the country she was born in – Japan. Her skin was slightly lightened up by a powder and hair were up, but it was nothing comparing to what the other girls did with themselves. Of course, putting a kimono on was a hard enough job.

She was very anxiously awaiting him and, perhaps even more, what he had to say. She already knew, he suggested it in the letter, but it would be good to hear it from him in person, make sure it wasn't all just a cruel joke. That he didn't toy with her feelings, give her false hope. Ayumi knew what she felt towards him for some time now and did everything to fight it, without success. Now, upon learning he might feel the same, she have never felt happier. It was as if she was a new person. Deep inside she hoped he'll propose, because the date of her twentieth birthday was coming closer and she would have to marry who father chooses for her.

When she got the note from him, she ran as fast as it is possible to do in kimono and zori on (which, mind you, is a very hard thing). When she saw him, she tried to walk even faster, not caring how unladylike it was, but instead she tripped and fell right into Rupert's arms, knocking him over. So, in other words, she just happened to lay on top of him and look into those dazzling eyes she found so alluring.

outfit:linky! --- words: 311 template by eliza @ shadowplay & sds

[Rupert Hamilton]

Ayumi was different to all the other girls of her age Rupert had ever happened to encounter in many ways. Certainly, she looked slightly different, she dressed differently, more exotically, she had been influenced by a different culture, she was far more independent, proud and ambitious than young women were supposed to be... and there were so many other reasons that set her apart, some that Rupert could not even put into words, and one that was simply just the leap his heart unwittingly took that never happened around anyone else, but he could honestly say he would not change any of these things for the world. There was nothing that needed to be changed about her, because she was perfect. Honestly. And Rupert had always thought so, right when he'd met her, long before he'd realised what these stirring feelings meant. And then, the thought of losing her when she'd never even officially been his to lose... that was it.

He hardly cared about being knocked off his feet by her off-balance body - in fact, he welcomed it, which was rather unusual for him - except for the fact that all the half-formed speeches he'd been struggling through in his head had been clear off his tongue, and all he could do was look up at her, somewhere between bewildered and enlightened. Instead of trying to get up, he simply allowed his arms to fold around her, holding her closer than they'd ever been. In fact, her lips were so near he was having trouble concentrating on anything other than them, and really that was probably a bad thing considering how often since their exchange of letters he'd unconsciously imagined kissing her. In the end, he attempted to speak - to get out the things he needed to say - but all that came out was a faintly amused, faintly disoriented, "...hello." And he couldn't help it, he was smiling and so nearly chuckling because she was here and so perfect and lying right on top of him and did he really need to say everything?

[Ayumi Browning]

I'm a girl with the best intentions

And I want something that I want Something I tell myself I need Something that I want

Never before in her life had Ayumi felt so embarrassed. It was good that they were in private, because if that would happen somewhere in public both of their reputations would get ruined, even though it was an accident that she tripped and fell that way. Of course, it did not mean it felt any less awkward. It was a situation she did not want to find herself in... She was lying on top of the man she was incredibly attracted to and it made her feel like she never felt before. Somehow, even though she knew it was a wrong thing to do, something inside tried to tell her otherwise.

Rupert did not seem to mind that little accident, but Ayumi felt like her face becomes hot before she was able to laugh too. A moment later, she stood up, dusting off her clothes. ”Note to self: never again try to run in zori and kimono.” The young woman chuckled, pulling away a wisp of her dark hair which got out of her tight bun. Her cheeks, whitened by the powder she used, were now covered in a blush of a color resembling the cherry blossom in the garden.

”I'm so sorry. I was just so happy to see you, it seems I have forgotten how to walk in a traditional outfit of my country” The half-japanese tried to explain herself for no real reason. [b]”Yuko will bring us some tea to the tea parlor in a minute, so maybe let's have a walk there? It's beautiful there during the summer. If you don't want to, we can just have a walk around the Japanese part of the garden, which is being looked after by my mother. It's beautiful now that the cherries are blossoming and everything is alive.” Ayumi smiled, wondering what was his exact purpose in coming to see her. What was so important he had to tell her in person? She was simply dying to know.

outfit:linky! --- words: 340 template by eliza @ shadowplay & sds

[Rupert Hamilton]

The air had been knocked out of him, but he didn't even feel any less breathless when she had stood up rather sheepishly. He got to his own feet, his own cheeks flushing faintly, though he didn't feel embarrassed about her stumble as she evidently did. He chuckled along with her as she explained her difficulties in running in her outfit, though his gaze was more caught by the warmth behind her powdered cheeks and the way her hand reached up to push back her hair. And he could hardly follow the whatever it was she was saying. Fragments blazoned past, doing something to twist his veins... "just so happy to see you, forgotten... traditional...tea... beautiful..."
"Yes, beautiful... He murmured, trying to nod along but not sure he could concentrate. She was asking where he wanted to go, something about the parlour or the Japanese gardens or walking around, but Rupert didn't know how to answer. "That would be lovely." He couldn't say what he was agreeing to. He tried to convey this in a shrug, in a, 'I would happily go whevever you go' that he could only express silently.

For once in his life - perhaps the very first time - he felt inclined to interrupt. Because, while he would normally have no problem in just listening to Ayumi's voice for hours on end, whatever she was saying, today he had words to get out of his own. He wanted to speak, but instead - perhaps her suggestions were mixing him up - he fell into a slow walk. A few steps later and he had halted again, looking at the woman beside him imploringly. "Ayumi." He said. "Just a minute."
He paused, eyes flickered shut as he inhaled, gaze lifting again as let the breath out.
"It... just can't wait. I almost waited too long to say it, I almost missed my chance. I just need you to know. I-" He reached forwards, his hands searching blindly for her own while the words he wanted stalled in his throat.

[Ayumi Browning]

I'm a girl with the best intentions

Ayumi couldn't stop looking into Rupert's beautiful eyes. He had always been very handsome in her opinion. She was attracted to him ever since they met for the first time. With one look she could just forget about everything, forget about the world. What mattered was right there, in front of her. He was the man she loved. It took her some time to realize and even more to admit it, but that was the truth: she was in love with Rupert Hamilton. Undeniably, utterly, completely in love. The half-Japanese tried to fight it, but she couldn't. It was stronger than her.

Of course, it was not like the love you read in books, not that passionate, spontaneous one, but it was love. She actually knew it. That feeling developed in her for some time, she knew all of Rupert's flaws and loved every single one of them. He often reminded her of her father, Joseph, both in his movements and the way he acted. It was a good choice. A steady man who wouldn't leave her because he got bored with her. They spent countless times on talking and never had enough of each other. He was a friend. In her eyes, that made him a perfect partner.

Today Rupert had seemed to be a little distracted, which made Ayu a bit worried. She never really saw him like that. Did she do or say something wrong? The enthusiasm she had for meeting with him kind of faded away. She led him to the tea parlor, a bit afraid of what he really wanted to say to her. His last letter sounded like he was about to profess love for her, but now she just wasn't sure any longer. Only when he took her hands into his, something fluttered in her stomach.
”Yes?” She tried to encourage him, her voice sweet and soft.

cassie at atf & shine!

[Rupert Hamilton]

Rupert waited until he was absolutely sure she was listening, having taken the time to run through exactly the words he wanted to say. At her supposedly encouraging "Yes?", though, all the words disappeared again.

Damn. Uh - wait, it was simple. Three words were the ones he wanted, so why couldn't he just... An explanation, first. "Your letter," He began, eyes tracing areas of her face instead of floundering in a patch of empty space. "It took me so long to realise," He said apologetically, "I just don't want to lose you, Ayumi, I - will you marry me?"

Rupert let out a discreet breath of relief, jubilated to have finally said it. He blinked once, his mouth slowly understanding what he had said. His throat constricted a little, and he wanted to just bang his head against a wall or something, shrinking in the silence. Marry me? He had just asked that? Those weren't the words he wanted, not yet, he berated himself internally, no no no, that was all in the wrong order. How could he mess this up as well? He stood for so long just drowning in his slowness and stupidity, that when he opened his mouth to correct himself again, his words were sort of a little late. "No, I, well yes - no, I meant to say, I love you, first. I'm in love with you, Ayumi...?" Rupert finally expelled the words, wishing that his voice had not gone a smidgen high at the end as if it were a bloody question.

Now that Rupert had probably successfully confused her with no intention at all of doing so, he stood quietly and contemplated running for it before all his words sank in.

[Ayumi Browning]

I'm a girl with the best intentions

Usually Ayu was a very self-confident girl. In fact, she was well aware that some of the people felt intimidated by her slightly dominant and extrovert personality, not to mention the fact she was so enormously sure of herself. Of curse, there were situations in which she didn't feel the most comfortable and then her usual confidence seemed to flee. Usually it happened when Ayu felt like she needs it the most. Of course, not many people were actually aware of those little insecurities in her mind.

The former Gryffindor would sooner die of shame than tell anyone about them. She didn't want anyone to see her as weak or something of that sorts. Sometimes, she wondered where from her insecurities came. She had a great family, much better than many people could even hope for. Her father, earl Browning, was a loving husband who cared about his wife and children. Her mother, Miyako, a woman's right activist was a very warm person, who always took care of her children, very often in a way that is not suited for a countess. Yes, Ayumi's childhood was certainly not lacking love and devotion.

There was one thing it was lacking – stability. Many years she spent on traveling with her parents from one place to another, from Japan to Australia or United States and then Great Britian. Each country with different culture, different climate, different lifestyle. Truly, it was a miracle she didn't get confused along the way. Of course, those travels proved to be beneficial in the future, as at the age of eighteen Ayumi spoke fluently 3 languages: Japanese, French and English. Her father always put a great impact on her education and so he made her aware about many things that your average debutante had no idea about. In some circles it worked to her advantage and in some didn't.

While many men enjoyed talking to her (though, admittedly some laughed hearing what she has to say, thinking she's repeating her father's views) the same men didn't want a wife like her. She was far too self-confident and independent in her thoughts, not a good material to model. Of course, Ayumi didn't care what most of the men think. It was different with Rupert, though. Very much so. He cared about her opinions as much as she cared about his. They thought alike.

When he spoke the words he did, she just stood there in awe. Luckilly, they were in her house in Cornwall, so what she did would not be commented in public. She just couldn't stop herself and before he could go any further in explaining himself, the girl kissed him. “I love you too.” She said as their lips were about to meet.

cassie at atf & shine!

[Rupert Hamilton]

Perhaps he had been so torn up about what to do next that he didn't even realise that she was nearing him. The next thing he knew, she was there, as close as she had been out in the garden, as close as she'd ever been, so close he could see every strand of hair by her ear, every eyelash as she blinked... so close he could feel her breath on his cheeks as she returned a few words of her own. I love you too.

"I love you," He breathed again. I love you too. How could she have put it so simply and yet so perfectly, when all he'd managed to do was fumble over words and leave sentences unfinished and skirt around what he meant to say for so long when it had been three words, and Ayumi had offered her own stance on the matter with no hesitation? He wished, hoped, prayed she wouldn't think him too hopeless or cowardly, and if she did, then at the very least forgive him for it. But he couldn't think and maybe she was able to successfully reinforce her simple statement with a simple gesture. He had almost been afraid, afraid for the moment, though how long had he unconsciously been waiting for it to occur? Because... their friendship had been friendship, and a strong one at that, but what if... no.

The moment was here and the moment was now and Rupert could not anticipate and dread it any longer in thought, because thought was so insufficient. Her lips were soft, the kiss gentle, and a part of him had expected it to be comfortable and warm, like coming home to a firelit house after a day in the rain, and it was, at first. But Rupert would be damned if he didn't ever take a risk in his life - and what better time to? - so instead of retreating after a moment or two, he changed tact, kissed her with more urgency, this time with feeling. But he got distracted, and lightheaded from a lack of breath, drew back for a moment, tried not to go into medical shock at the very fact this was Ayumi he was kissing after all this time, and remembered the mess he'd been before. "I really did mean what I - what I just said before," He admitted as firmly as he could, only slightly flustered now from the rush of emotion, though he managed to look her in the eyes. "Would you consider - will you marry me, please?"

[Ayumi Browning]

Rupert had no idea how happy he made Ayumi. She was always enjoying being around him, but this time was different. This time, she finally knew where they stand. No more constant worrying if he felt the same way, no more constant fear that father will betroth her, because her 20th birthday were approaching. It felt really good to know now that he did. She felt overjoyed, as happy as she had never been before, if that was even possible.

She was starting to lose hope that Rupert, who looked like he was a Greek god, would like her as more than a friend. It was almost unreal. Out of all the women and girls he could have, he had chosen her. It felt like an honor. When she pulled back, she glanced at him with a smile, completely disregarding a curl that left her tight, neat bun. He really reminded her of her father in she stories mother told her. She was extremely lucky.

”Yes, Rupert! I would absolutely love to be your wife!” She exclaimed. Now that she was sure of where she stood expressing herself came rather easily to the young woman. ”You're saving me from being betrothed. Father said that if I don't get engaged by the time I turn twenty, he'll look for a husband for me.” She said, so bubbly and cheerful it only got to her a while later what he could think of her words. ”I mean, don't think I'm accepting because I just don't want to be betrothed!” She added. ”You're the only one that I ever wanted.”

[Rupert Hamilton]

His face lit up slowly when he heard the word yes, and the exclamation that accompanied it. Was this real? Was this just a far-fetched daydream... no, Rupert hadn't dared to dream this far. He watched a loose curl of Ayumi's hair, a hand nearly lifting to brush it backwards, but he heard her speak again and his arm fell back to his side, his foot taking an unconscious pace backwards.
His face was falling, the jubilance seeping out of his outward expression before his thoughts had caught up. She hadn't really meant - she would marry him to avoid a betrothal - she only said yes -

The doubts and suspicions that had always risen easily in a self-conscious, shy boy were present, but there was a sudden overwhelming sadness: he would have happily married Ayumi even if she did not love him... if he could make her happy and she cared nothing for him, he would still do it. He was hopeless. And he wasn't sure he ought to admit that aloud.

"Are you certain?" He prompted hesitantly, trying to decipher her real motives. Her last sentence eased the fears somewhat. "Well, why didn't you say ever so before?" Rupert exclaimed, eyebrows creased. He sighed; it would have been so simple if he'd known she'd cared, that he had ever been anything more than a friend of her brother's. Of course, things would have been much easier if he'd told her or asked to court her in the first place, but... Rupert was not clever or brave enough for that.

[Ayumi Browning]

Those words, those three beautiful words still rang in her ears. He said he loved her. It was something she never expected to hear from the mouth of anyone not related to her and certainly not Rupert. It was something she dreamed about, but never really expected to happen. She and Rupert were friends, he was really close with her brother and she had slowly gotten used to the thought that he sees her as his best friend's little sister or something similar to it.
He seemed a little unsure about the situation, though, which made the half-japanese slightly worried.. Did he just rethink his proposition and decided he doesn't want to be with her? Then, his last question made her sigh with relief and smile awkwardly.
”I thought you do not see me as a woman, but as a friend. You always seemed too perfect to like a girl like me. You are kind, worldly, intelligent, curious... Every debutante's dream. It seemed impossible to me for you to like me in the way I have liked you for years.” She said, blushing slightly.

[Rupert Hamilton]

Everything had been so perfect in the most unexpected way, everything had felt so right even when Rupert might've thought it was all going wrong. Even this, their sudden hesitance, their awkwardness... it conjured up more than simple relief. It was such strange happiness; had he ever been truly happy before?

“Ayumi...” Rupert sighed. Perfect? Every debutante’s dream? There was a joke, as blatant as they came. He shook his head, cheeks pink, for she had gotten the story all wrong. And what was more, Ayumi was usually right. But he had been Tom's awkward friend, and he hadn't ever really gotten used to being around the Brownings' beautiful daughter, not even when they'd gradually become friends in their own right. Rupert supposed it would have been immediately obvious to everyone but himself, for in her presence, there had never been a time in which he hadn't hung on Ayumi's every word, smiled at her every remark, noticed everything she did. She had been his friend, quite right, but she had been a woman too. He had just passed it off as her being out of his league. The only conceivable reason for any other young lady seeing him as a potential husband had to do with his inheritance and that was all.

“But you are nothing like ‘every debutante’,” He answered; no, she was so much more. “Those qualities are yours, not mine; and you have courage and confidence to boot, too. You are impossible! I’ve learnt a lot from you, you know,” Trailing off, it was all he could do not to venture another kiss from her, the thought was so unbearably tempting.

“I didn't think to bring a ring,” He realised suddenly, wanting to dash his head on the door for his idiocy. Not that he'd known that he was going to propose, exactly, but Rupert was wholly unused to this idea of spontaneity. It likely wouldn't matter too much to Ayumi, it hadn't ruined anything, it was a comparatively trivial matter, but Rupert liked traditions and this was another he'd threatened to mess up. “And I neglected to ask your father first,” He added, though there had been no objections to Genia and Tom, and Rupert hoped he was high enough in Joseph Browning's regard to warrant his blessing.

[Ayumi Browning]

No matter what Rupert thought about himself, in Ayumi's eyes and heart he was the only man she loved. He wasn't perfect, sure, but who was? He was, deep down, a good man and that was the only thing that mattered, really. ”You're perfect to me. You always have been. All your flaws are human, I love your vices just as much as I love those good qualities in you.” The half-Japanese said, taking his hand into hers and squeezing it lightly. She looked at Rupert. He was hers now and she was his. Her dream was coming true. The man she wanted for so many years was finally hers. How did that even happen?

”Well, I was a Gryffindor, courageous is part of my house description.” The young woman laughed. When she heard how concerned he was over the lack of a ring or her father's approval, she couldn't stop herself from laughing louder. ”Don't worry. We'll keep it between us. My father will approve, for sure and then you can do it the right way. How does that sound?” The dark haired witch asked when she finally calmed down.

[Rupert Hamilton]

As though his face could not be any more pink, she used the word 'perfect' again, and this time he confined the refuting of that theory to his head. All her words sounded so wise... But it was hard to get in any compliments edgeways when all Ayumi kept doing was obviously trying to build his non-existent self-esteem. But he loved her for it. He loved her.

His mouth ended up in an unfortunate pout as her laughter rang through the room. He was half-mortified and half-frustrated that there was anything funny about this very serious situation, but then again, her laughter had always sounded inhumanly pretty anyway, and the glee on her face -

Ugh, he was pathetic. What had the world come to?
Everything had always been so straightforward when his life had been mostly books.

"That sounds acceptable," Rupert responded finally, a little bit miffed that he hadn't thought of that first, and that she still seemed to be amused for some reason or another. It was infectious though, and despite his guarded nature, his lips eventually loosened into a begrudging smile. "Much better," He continued, doubts assuaged by her confidence. "Clever ought to have been part of your house description, too, don't you think?" He murmured, mulling over the wisdom of her words and her suggestions, all so rational, whilst his mind had turned to utter mush.

He hoped engagement - and more so, marriage - would not make that change permanent.

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