» Holding On By Letting Go, Private

[Eli Swan]

Things hadn't gone exactly as planned, he was realizing. First, he hadn't planned on fighting with Cash at all, but Cassius Lestrange apparently had other plans (because of course Eli refused to believe that he had taken any part in their argument--Cash had started it!) and once it had begun, the outcome was largely unavoidable. One of them had to leave, or they would say things that were really hurtful, not just little jabs here and there, which would jeopardize their friendship, which neither of them wanted. So one of them had to walk away, and it certainly wouldn't have been oblivious, ignorant, idiot Cassius Lestrange.

Still, even with that in mind, things weren't going how they should have. Eli should have gotten stopped as he was on his way out the door, and Cash should have apologized--Eli had laid everything out quite nicely for him, so he was an idiot if he didn't see it, and just stubborn if, after seeing it, he refused to apologize. But apparently Cash was either an idiot or stubborn or both--probably both--because he'd let Eli walk out of the common room.

But that was alright, too. The situation was still salvagable. After all, on his way out Eli had said come get me when you're ready to stop being an ass, so maybe Cash was just... working things out, or something. Surely he'd come looking for Eli. Surely.

The Ravenclaw had been in all of the places that Cash would have looked first if he'd been coming to apologize. He'd been in the Common Room, then, frustrated by all of the social interaction and having to fake a smile he didn't feel, headed to the library. Basic places. Places Cash would have looked. Except Cash didn't look. Which meant that Eli could forget about his happy ending he'd been imagining. Because the cold, hard truth of it was that Cash didn't care whether they made up or not. Cash was probably doing homework and not even remembering the fight they'd had. Because Cash was an inconsiderate bastard who never remembered anything.

Eli had to leave the library because he was afraid that he might start betraying some emotion on his face, which would only encourage people to talk to him, which he didn't really want. As soon as he hit the hallway he could almost feel his composure melt, so instead of going back to his common room--and potentially facing Cash again--he just started wandering.

Which ended up being a bad idea, because of course as soon as he started he passed by a whole group of people, most of which he was at least friendly with, and felt obliged to fake another smile. He knew that he had failed pitifully, but was hoping they were too distracted with each other's company to notice or care. He could run off and avoid humanity somewhere else if he could just get past this group of kids.

[Ignotus Peverell]

song lyrics up in hurr

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Us winning that game should put us in the lead for the Quidditch cup this year but I hear rumors that we’re not even in it to play for the cup,” Ignotus Peverell explained to a group of people he was with. Most of them were other Gryffindors, but there were a few Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff groupies in the mix, as well. He was a sixth year and a Quidditch player- had been for most of his career at Hogwarts, and he planned on making a professional career out of his athletic abilities. He came from a wealthy family and was his mother’s favourite child; obviously he had absolutely nothing to worry about. He was so lax in not having anything to worry about that the sixth year Gryffindor boy knew, he absolutely positively knew that no one in his family would care whether or not he made a career in the ministry or doing something respectable, or if he did something he more enjoyed.

There was a lot of chatter going on between the young ladies in their group, and Ig leaned against the corridor wall casually. He had no idea what had prompted them to just stand in the hallway and chat away, but the topic had eventually lead to Quidditch and though Iggy had wanted to go back to the common room or get outside and practice, he was compelled to stay and chat. After all, he was the life of the party! The group would surely break apart had he not stayed there. So, stay he did, and when he caught a girl’s eyes wandering his way, he offered her his sly grin, a wink, and a muss of his hair. That was his thing. Iggy loved to run his fingers through his brown locks and give them a good messing when a girl walked by, or when she shot him a look out of the corner of her eye. He picked up on those things. Sometimes he even saw other young men look at him the way young ladies often did, and he offered them the same cocky smile and the same muss of the hair.

At present, his arms were crossed over his chest, his feet crossed at the ankles as he leaned back against the wall and listened to the others discuss the rumor he had heard. A blond thing looking miserable was approaching their group, Eli Swan, a Ravenclaw the year below him. Ig was tall enough where he could see over the heads of everyone else in the group, and he caught sight of the boy as he struggled to put on a smile. Several of the people in Ig’s little posse spoke to Eli and he did his best to keep up appearances, but he continued on. Ig watched, disheartened, as the boy solemnly walked past them. “Hey, Ig! Are you coming?” In his own world, wondering how to cheer up the blonde Eli Swan, Iggy shook his head. “No thanks, man. You guys head on. I’ll catch up with you guys later.” The group seemed nonplussed by Ig’s answer and all headed in the direction Eli had come from, as Iggy trotted off after the Ravenclaw boy.

As he entered earshot of the boy, Ig looked around. There was no one else in earshot, or even remotely close to them. “Hey! Hey, Eli!” Iggy didn’t shout it, but he spoke loud enough to ensure he was heard. When he caught up to the fifth year boy, Iggy rested his hand on Eli’s shoulder. “Hey, is everything okay?” He offered Eli one of his assured smiles, something most people loved about him. Ig was always so self confident and assured of himself. He tried to spread this feeling to other people, and he never let the perpetual Negative Nancy’s get him down. “Hey, I know you’re playing nice. What’s going on?”

tagged: eli | word count: 666 | outfit: lalalala | notes: d'awwww. iggy wants to comfort him

[Eli Swan]

Eli had to fight the impulse to tense up as soon as he heard his name; he hadn't managed to escape. But he'd been so close! Just a few more steps, and whomever was hurrying to catch up with him now would have been out of range, but as it was, Eli felt inclined to slow to a near-crawl while waiting for them. Please, just let it be someone wanting to know if they can borrow my notes or something. Quick, painless conversation, and then they can leave and I can go back to being alone, he prayed.

Of course, it couldn't be that simple. Not today, of all days; nothing could be easy or painless today. Of course it had to be a concerned friend who caught up with him. Not that Ignotus was exactly one of Eli's best friends; they barely knew each other, by all accounts, except in passing, but Eli had never found any reason to dislike the older boy; in fact, despite his being upperclass, the two seemed very similar in their attitudes, and certainly in their constantly-friendly relationship with others. Which meant that of course, Ig would have been the type to have noticed the forced smile.

Eli forced another one all the same, and tried to say Nothing, but before he could get it out his smile cracked and he realized he didn't have a lie in him, not right now.

Which left the problem of what to say. Certainly not the truth? But this was the sort of friend who could probably tell when he was lying. "It should be a big deal," he said, biting his lower lip, uncertain of how much would be safe to say. Certainly not oh, it's nothing, just reaffirming that my best friend really does like girls and really depressed about it. The potential had a fight with the crush was also problematic in that it left him open to questions about said crush, and Ig was a Quidditch player, and knew Cash well enough that any hints might prove incriminating.

"It's just--had a fight with Cash Lestrange," he said, surprised at his honesty. "And apparently that means a lot more to me than it does to him," he said, a bit of his bitterness at the fight coming through. He knew he'd said a bit too much, and felt a blush rising to his cheeks because of it, but he could hardly take it back now.

[Ignotus Peverell]

and after all you're my wonderwall

Many people within the walls of Hogwarts castle were gloomy and doomy, and it was in their nature to be upset or angry or pissed at the world every now and then. It wasn’t by any means or stretch of the imagination strange to see people play nice, or put on a smile when they were clearly hurting inside. Iggy knew this. He was good at sensing when other people weren’t feeling their best, but it never bothered him. It was different when Eli, a boy who shared the same general attitudes towards life, was feeling that way. Iggy couldn’t ever remember a time when he was down in the dumps and, by default, felt as though Eli had probably and would probably never feel that way, either. He was proven dreadfully wrong in this assumption and felt as though it were his duty to ensure that Eli was alright.

The boy smiled at Ig, but faltered. Iggy knew that Eli didn’t have it in him to put up with the façade much longer. Iggy moved his hand to Eli’s upper arm and gave it a small, reassuring squeeze before letting his hand drop back to his side. The boy began to speak and Iggy listened, intently, to the sentence that had been offered. He allowed for silence to fill the space between them, letting Eli think. Silence did wonders for people who needed to express themselves, Ig had discovered.

When Eli spoke about his argument with Cash Lestrange, another Quidditch player who was relatively well known throughout the school, Iggy couldn’t help but feel his heart break. The slight pinkness in Eli’s cheeks both confirmed the fact that Eli and Cash had a deep friendship, one that Eli clearly valued, but also made Iggy subconsciously wonder if perhaps there was more to the two of them than met the eye of any passerby. The boy’s tone seemed to hold a hint of bitterness, that made Iggy feel disheartened. Without even thinking, Ig closed the gap between himself and Eli, wrapping his arms around the fifth year Ravenclaw and hugging him close. “I’m so sorry,” Ig said, his height of five feet, eight inches towering a total of five inches over the younger boy.

Iggy lightly rested his chin on the boy’s head. “Fights are the absolute worst,” Ig continued, still hugging Eli close to him. Although he usually used the approach with members of the more delicate gender, Iggy had no qualms about hugging someone of another gender, whatever gender it might be. He loved everyone, and offered his love whenever possible. It seemed as though Eli needed that love at present, and he was going to do whatever he could to ensure that Eli felt loved. The boy also had looked exceptionally adorable with the pink flush on his cheeks that made Iggy want to love him and care for him more than anyone else. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here,” Ig offered the boy, not willing to let him go just yet.

tagged: eli | word count: 511 | outfit: lalalala | notes: d'awwww. iggy wants to comfort him

[Eli Swan]

There was something that was very different about Iggy, but Eli couldn't put his finger on what it was, exactly. Maybe the casual way that he touched him--like it wasn't a big deal, like it was something that was natural and normal even though people Eli was close to, people like Cash, didn't ever squeeze his shoulder like that. Charlotte on occasion, but she was practically family, so that was different. Fellow students typically didn't do things like that.

It could also have something to do with his eyes. Ig's eyes were different, more intent, and Eli had the feeling that if he looked at them for too long the older boy would be able to see straight through him and his lies, and that maybe that wouldn't even be so bad--

But of course, that was nonsense. He couldn't. Not now, not ever. Eli would lose so much--his reputation, his friends. But then, he had no reputation, and most of the people who were inclined towards prejudice had plenty of reason to dislike him already--the bastard-son-of-a-muggle thing tended not to go over well. But if anything, the revelation might cause him to lose Cash, whom, he realized, he had arguably already lost.

Eli was surprised when Iggy drew him in for the hug--not something Eli was used to receiving from anyone, except on occasion his mother, whom he hadn't seen for four years--but found himself relaxing into it surprisingly quickly. It felt good to be close to someone. It felt--well, what he had always imagined being this close to Cash might feel like. Warm, protected, safe. Safe? Did that mean that his secrets might be safe, here, too?

Eli was jumping to conclusions; he really didn't know Ignotus that well, not at all, and certainly not enough to entrust to him a secret he had never once told anyone. But something about that last phrase, I'm here, just sounded so honest, so real, as if Ig actually cared. Eli opened his mouth to say It's fine, it's nothing, thanks for the hug but I'll be just fine, bye now, but nothing came out. He wanted to tell.

Years of keeping quiet were engrained very hard into the boy, and just as his mouth wouldn't produce the lie to save him, it also couldn't wrap itself around the truth. And Ig was still hugging him. "I don't even know what to say," he finally said, settling for some middle-ground, nonincriminating but not denying anything, either. "I've just got--a lot going through my head, I guess."

And Ig was still hugging him, and Eli had no desire to pull away just yet.

[Ignotus Peverell]

and after all you're my wonderwall

There was a palpable silence between the two boys. Iggy started to wonder if he had done something wrong by hugging Eli, a boy whom he barely knew, but a part of his subconscious reminded him that Eli wasn’t exactly pulling away or struggling to make Iggy let go. As a matter of fact, it seemed the exact opposite. It seemed as though Eli was relaxing into Iggy’s arms, sort of letting go of something that had been holding him back before. The two boys weren’t particularly close, nor did they really run in the same circles, but they did have that same sort of vibe that made Iggy want to help Eli even more.

When the blond haired boy spoke Iggy didn’t process it at first. “Mmmm,” he asked, questioning what Eli had said. A few seconds later, it clicked. “Oh, never mind,” he said quietly, feeling a bit stupid. He felt bad. Iggy never had to worry about having a lot on his mind. Thankfully, he was a star Quidditch player, and his parents liked him well enough (his mother more so than his father, but that wasn’t something Iggy was keen on thinking about- at least they both liked him), and same with his brothers. He did moderately well in school, and was of the upper class and didn’t really have to worry about his future. Aside from the fact that his family was painfully wealthy, they had an excellent name around the area and he would always be able to find a job just because of his name.

Plus, he was handsome. He had caught many a young lady looking at him in that very particular way, and he had even caught a scant few males looking at him here and there, too. But that might have just been envy for one thing or another. Iggy was, after all, a very enviable guy.

Deciding to test the waters, Iggy moved one hand to stroke Eli’s head. “Hey, it’s okay. It happens to the best of us,” he said, well aware that he couldn’t at all empathize in this particular situation, even though he desperately wanted to. Iggy sighed and pulled back, away from Eli, wrapping his fingers around the boy’s upper arms. He studied Eli intently, looking him over from head to toe. It was the first time Iggy had ever gotten a good look at the boy, and he realized there was nothing remarkable about Eli. He didn’t dress exceptionally well, as an upper class young lad would, and he wasn’t particularly tall or muscular. His blonde hair and blue eyes were just blonde hair and blue eyes. They weren’t an exceptional shade, nor were they striking in any manner. Yet, Iggy knew this boy was special. It must have been his personality that radiated through him, but whatever it was, Iggy loved it, and he loved being around it. Even when upset, Iggy could feel the kind of person that Eli was.

And before he could stop himself, Iggy leaned in, closed his eyes and touched his lips delicately to Eli’s. They were soft, just as he thought they would be, and warm. There was so much warmth. Iggy could feel his heart pick up it’s beat, and he released his hold on Eli’s arms, wrapping his own arms around the boy once more, pulling him close. Somewhere in his brain, he had lost control. His thoughts were jumbled and swimming, and he felt lightheaded in only the way Quidditch could make him feel. Without any regard for anything, Iggy was lost in Eli, lost in their kiss. Although a stud, Iggy had never found himself in this situation before, and was marveling in the sensation of being kissed and kissing someone else. It really was fantastic.

tagged: eli | word count: 637 | outfit: lalalala | notes: uh oh!

[Eli Swan]

Eli could feel himself melting in ways he probably shouldn't, ways that he never would have if he wasn't already on the verge of an emotional crisis somewhere deep down inside. Could he help it if Iggy's touch on his head just felt so good? How long had it been since Eli had been touched, tenderly touched? He hadn't seen his mother since he was ten, and aside from his half-sister no girls had ever really been close enough to touch him (besides, the teachers would have been scandalized if they had). He had physical contact with his dormmates, but not like this. Not someone putting their fingers through his hair. He was surprised how natural it felt, how nuturing, how safe.

The younger boy had no time to respond to the touch, or the words of comfort Ig was trying to offer, or really to anything at all, because before he could even really process all of the things he was feeling, something happened that brought on a whole torrent of new feelings.

Was this really what he thought it was? Was a boy, a handsome older boy, kissing him? It was impossible, but there was no other explanation. There wasn't anything else one could do with one's lips pressed up against another set of lips. It was a kiss. Elijah Swan had never been kissed, except on the cheek or the forehead by his mother, never, never like this. A fountain of warmth sprung up from the middle of his chest and rushed like a river through every fiber of his being, making holding on to any of the thoughts he had been thinking a moment ago impossible.

And, just like that, Eli was in love. There was room in his head and heart only for one thing, and that was this feeling, this amazing, wonderful feeling that filled him up from head to toe, a feeling he derived from the touch of the lips of this boy he hardly knew, and which he would do anything to perpetuate. He never wanted this rush to stop.

Eli let himself go into Iggy's hug, eager to be closer, to get more of the addicting touch. His insides were a mess of butterflies and explosive good feeling. Although he had no idea what he was doing, no idea how a kiss like this was supposed to work, he pushed himself into it, adding pressure, adding motion, doing whatever felt right. And it did feel right, it felt perfect, like nothing else in the world would ever feel as natural and beautiful as this sensation.

[Ignotus Peverell]

and after all you're my wonderwall

He had never been kissed. Ig had never once been kissed before. He had plenty of opportunities in the past to have tried it, to have gone after someone else. No one had ever felt special enough for it, though. He wanted to share his first, precious kiss with someone who mattered, someone who wouldn’t toy with him and someone who was pure and genuine. Eli was all of those and more. Iggy was certain of this, though he hardly knew the boy at all. Know him well enough to pursue a kiss, a small voice inside his head reminded him. And what a wonderful kiss it was. In all honesty, it felt like Christmas. It felt like a cup of cocoa with marshmallows on Christmas. It felt like waking up on Christmas morning to find every gift you had asked for beneath the tree. It was, in fewer words, nothing short of wonderful.

Even more wonderful was when Eli added pressure to the kiss, pressure that Iggy himself had originally been to afraid to introduce to the kiss. He had initiated things, and it could’ve gone very badly for him. Ignotus didn’t identify one way or another, as heterosexual or homosexual, but rather chose to appreciate every being in the human race as a person with individual beauty that should be loved and admired. His advances on Eli could’ve been taken as his being a homosexual if Eli had been a heterosexual. Homosexuality was greatly frowned upon, and seeing as Iggy was a member of the upper class and a pureblood, at that, things could have gone very badly, very badly indeed. Of course, he had a lovely smile that seemed to, more often than not, get him out of the heaps of trouble he might otherwise have gotten himself into at school and at home, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t work this time.

Still flying high, Iggy took a breath through his nose and pulled back from the kiss, his eyelids lingering over his eyes. That. Was. Fantastic. He let out a small, satisfied sigh, happy that he chose right for his first kiss. Ignotus dropped his arms from around the boy and stood for a minute in silent bliss. His head was still swimming with the wonderfulness of the kiss and the fact it had been everything he ever could have imagined it to be.

When he could find himself again, Iggy opened his eyes and took in Eli. Yes, he was very, very adorable. “That was my first,” Iggy offered, wondering how Eli would feel. He had no idea if Eli was more experienced than he was at this, though Iggy wouldn’t put it past him. He was good looking and Iggy was certain that he must’ve had many women fawning over him. Hogwarts wasn’t as chaste a place as many people made it out to be, Iggy was certain of that, and if Eli had wanted to be kissed before this particular kiss, Iggy was sure he would’ve had the opportunity. Although his arms hung lamely at his side, Iggy wanted his hands back on Eli, his arms back wrapped around him. Iggy took a step closer to Eli and opened his arms, offering the boy to come to him if he wanted.

tagged: eli | word count: 553 | outfit: lalalala | notes: uh oh!

[Eli Swan]

Eli could have lived for ages on that sigh that Iggy let out just as they pulled away. Food? Water? What need did he have of those things, when he could just replay the sound of that little sigh in his head, so satisfied, so happy, so wonderful? It almost made it alright that the kiss was over. Almost.

"Me too," Eli answered shyly, though the full weight of that sentence didn't hit him until after he had spoken it out loud. His first kiss. With a boy! Somehow this seemed to validate everything he had ever felt and been confused about with Cash; there were others! Eli never wanted anyone to say the word wife to him again. This was what he wanted--he wanted Iggy. Forever and always. His first!

There was no hesitation in Eli's body when Iggy offered him his arms. He wanted nothing more; that was a place of safety, where he was really entirely safe. Although before this they'd hardly spoken, Eli suddenly had the feeling he could tell Iggy anything--about his heritage as a bastard, about how he spent his summers in dogpiles of orphaned children, about his feeling for Cash--and Iggy would understand. And things would be wonderful, because with a foundation like this, nothing could ever be anything but wonderful.

"Thank you," he muttered into the taller boy's shoulder, his voice muffled but still clear. "That was--" Eli, however, had no words, which he hoped Iggy understood. After a pause, where he only hugged the older boy tighter, Eli repeated, "Thank you."