Too Late To Apologize?, tag: Kalen

Hearing those words out of Kalen practically tore Ephraim to pieces right then and there. He was sitting there, his hand on the cheek of the man he loved, having to listen while that man said that Ephraim could do better, that he wasn't what Ephraim should have. Ephraim didn't understand how Kalen could be saying that. Didn't Kalen know how wonderful he was, and if he didn't, why the hell not? Kalen had singlehandedly taken Ephraim's life from the shitfest that it had been for years and years, and had turned it upside down, into something good, into a life that was actually worth living, and if he couldn't see that he had done that, well, that was really upsetting to Ephraim, who's life had been changed by this man. It wasn't just that his life got better, either, it was that he had gotten better. He was no longer the horribly person that he had been...and that was all thanks to Kalen.

Ephraim gulped, trying to compose himself, trying to keep from screaming just so that Kalen would hear him. Kalen had made one mistake, and yes, it had been a pretty big one, but Ephraim's lifetime of mistakes definitely added up to more than that, and Ephraim had never once felt as bad about the things that he had done as Kalen had now, and well, Kalen's guilt was destroying him, that much was clear. Ephraim wanted to make it better, to make that pain go away, to make that self loathing disappear, but he didn't know how. He didn't know how to take Kalen's mind and show him that he wasn't bad, how to make him believe in himself, how to make him see in himself what Ephraim say whenever he looked at him...but it was important that he try, and try he would. This was Kalen Teague, not just anyone. Not someone that Ephraim could give up on.

"Oh Kalen..." Ephraim kept his hand on the boy's cheek, wanting to make sure that Kalen paid attention to the things that he was saying, because they were really fucking important, at least in his mind. "You have hurt one person, you made a mistake. We all make mistakes, and sometimes people are like me and they hurt people on purpose, but you would never do that." He looked deeply into Kalen's eyes. "Do you not see that, Kalen? That the fact that you feel SO badly about this means that you are a good person? What you did, it was not out of malice, it was a mistake, and yes, people got hurt, but you did too." He reached over with his free hand, placing it gently on Kalen's chest. "In here, you are good, Kalen, and it is me who does not deserve you. You have taken this horrible, judgmental person that I used to be, and turned him into someone, well, someone who is less awful. I need you to try, Kalen, to try and see the good in yourself." He bit his lip, thinking that if that didn't work, his next words had to. "Besides, I love you, Kalen...and you can never do better than the person that you love."

Kalen never saw himself as a good person. He viewed himself as a person who could be better and now that he had done this awful thing, well, it set him back even more. No matter what Ephraim said, it didn’t change the fact that he had broken someone’s heart. He let her trust him and then took it for granted and betrayed that trust. A good person didn’t do that to other people. Good people didn’t hurt people. What he did was cruel and inconsiderate. It was thoughtless and just plain wrong. Jodie felt it, he felt it, and Jodie’s friend that he ran into at the grocery store that one time was quick to let him know just how much he had hurt Jodie. He didn’t know why Ephraim was making it sound okay, why he was being put on this pedestal. However Ephraim thought he had hurt anyone before, it was different. He didn’t lead them on and he didn’t play with their emotions the way Kalen had played with Jodie’s. Kalen cared about Jodie so much, but he also cared about Ephraim. He loved both of them and in the beginning; he thought that was why he couldn’t let go of either one. Now he’s heard it from all of these people around him: you don’t hurt the person you love. It was the rule, but Kalen had broken that rule along with so much else.

Kalen fought not to let his eyes drop to the ground. It was so hard to look at Ephraim when he was saying all of these things that Kalen couldn’t believe. What caught his attention was that the boy still loved him, after all of this, and it didn’t seem like it was out of pity or sympathy. Kalen never stopped loving Ephraim. He never once blamed him for the downfall of his marriage: that had all been on Kalen. His brows drew together in a deep V. If he was the good person Ephraim said he was, then why did he feel so awful? Why was he having so much guilt? Why is it that he hurt Jodie so much? None of it made any sense to him. “I love you, too.” Kalen said, momentarily giving in and trying to see that everything that happened wasn’t entirely bad. Out of all of this rubble, he still had someone who loved him enough to try to make him see the light. Kalen turned his head and kissed Ephraim’s palm softly. “I love you so much.” He said again, but then there was that sharp pain in his chest. The one that was followed by a wave of guilt. He turned his head away from Ephraim’s palm again and sat up. “But I loved her, too, and I hurt her. How can I live with that? She did nothing, and I just—I betrayed her and I hurt her. That’s not okay.”

I love you. Kalen said it, those three words, the three words that made Ephraim more sane and more crazy at the same time than any other words. Words had always had power over Ephraim, but usually that power came in written form, the desire to emulate the journeys and experiences of beloved others like Kerouac and Cassady. He loved the world of adventures that those men got to go on, and he had been lucky enough to spend several years of his life doing the same thing, travelling around, going from place to place, never staying anywhere very long...until he had gotten to Evergreen and gotten a job...and met Kalen. When all of that had happened, well, that was when everything had changed for Ephraim, and while it had been more pain and hurt than he had hoped for, he also knew that everything that had happened had changed him for the better.

He grew better as a person each day under Kalen's love, and he didn't know if that ever would have happened if he hadn't met Kalen, if he hadn't fallen in love with him. They were, well, in Ephraim's mind, it seemed as though they were meant to be together, and he honestly did wish that he had figured that out sooner, that he could have kept Kalen from getting hurt...and to Ephraim, slightly less importantly, but still important, stopped Jodie and Harlow from getting hurt as well. The whole process, everything that had happened had been devastating for everyone, and it wasn't fair that Ephraim had gained the most and been hurt the least. Ephraim had a lot to atone for, but he realized that, and he was well on his way to achieving it. Kalen, however, wasn't so lucky, and had turned to drink and self loathing to handle what he was going through, and that wasn't okay.

The kiss to the palm sent shudders up Ephraim's spine, and he wanted to just take Kalen in his arms and kiss the pain away, but he knew that wouldn't help. The kisses would be so temporary, and when they ended, Kalen would still feel as though he deserved nothing, that he should hate himself. "You made a mistake, Kay." Ephraim spoke calmly, evenly, keeping close to his...his friend? His boyfriend? What the hell were they at this point? He had no idea. "We all make mistakes, it happens...you hurt her, yes, but she will get over it, and you need to, also. Apologize, Kay, in a letter, over the phone, call her, meet for coffee, but that is the best that you can do." He sighed, shaking his head. "I am sorry that I drove you to this, that I made you do something that makes you feel so...so low. I never wanted you to feel this way about yourself."

Kalen did love Ephraim so very much. You didn’t stop loving a person just because your life got flip turned upside down. In fact, if you really did love someone Kalen wasn’t so sure that you ever stopped. That was what was making it a little bit easier to realize that maybe he didn’t love Jodie the way he thought he did. Maybe they had just been stuck in that honeymoon phase for so long that he mistook it for love. It all happened too fast that maybe it was just a mistake from the beginning. He didn’t want to believe any of that. Loving her made it a little more bearable for him. It gave him a reason to hold on for as long as he did and it explained why he was so broken about everything that had happened. Whether he loved Jodie or not, he knew that he was in love with Ephraim for sure. That was something he started feeling a long a time ago, something that only got stronger.

Kalen never saw Ephraim as that awful person he claims to have been. To Kalen, Ephraim was always a good friend until he was more. Either way, he’s never been horrible. At least not to Kalen. However he behaved in other company, well, it’s not fair to put all of that blame on Ephraim. It wasn’t Ephraim’s fault that people were judgmental or stupid. They just were. Sometimes it wasn’t even their fault.

A mistake was putting it lightly. It was like slapping Kalen on the wrist for blowing up a building filled with innocent people. Kalen didn’t know for sure, but a part of him felt like he had ruined Jodie’s life while he had the opportunity to ride off into the sunset with his knight in shining armor. That wasn’t exactly fair. Or right. It made him sick to think about all of the damage he’s done. Ephraim did have a good point, though. At some point the dust would have to settle and everyone would move on. He just didn’t know when that would be or how it would happen.

Kalen thought about Ephraim’s suggestion. It seemed like the only reasonable option, the only way to clear the air. Or at least try to. Kalen was nervous at the thought of meeting Jodie in person, talking to her on the phone, or the thought of how she would react if he tried to communicate with her in any way. “Ephraim, you didn’t do anything wrong. It needed to happen. If anything, you helped push it along.” He said, looking into Ephraim’s eyes so the man knew he was serious. It was awful what had happened, but it was also inevitable and if Ephraim hadn’t showed up that night then Kalen might still be lying to his wife. “I’ll try to call her, I guess. See if she will see me. I hope she will.” He said quietly, his eyes searching the ground. He needed to apologize, to give her a chance to ask him anything, but if she wanted nothing to do with him he couldn’t blame her and he couldn’t force her to see him. He hoped she would, though. He really needed this.

"Calling is good," Ephraim said softly. He would have preferred to write, that was his obvious chosen form, because that was how he best got across what he was feeling, what he was thinking, but he knew that for some people, it was easier to talk than right out a letter, that it seemed more personal to them to do it over the phone. Ephraim felt that a letter could be just as personal as a phone conversation, but maybe Kalen was just the kind of guy who felt the need to talk it out instead of write it out, and Ephraim was not going to hold that against him, then again, Ephraim knew that he would have a rough time holding anything against Kalen, that was just the way that things worked when he was in love, and he was still learning that, as love was a new feeling to him, something that he had never experienced, something that he had never thought he would experience...at least not like this.

So that was one thing out of the way - Kalen had at least part of a game plan figured out for how to handle his intense guilt, but there were still a lot of things that Ephraim felt needed to be talked about, and one of them was, well, more at the forefront of his mind than any others. Where did he and Kalen stand? He wanted to ask, to know, to find out what this meant for their relationship, if they were still IN a relationship, or hell, even if they ever had been. He wanted to be, he was in love and he didn't want to give that up, but if now wasn't good, if it wasn't the right time for Kalen, he didn't want to force anything upon his friend, upon his lover. Ephraim realized right now, for the first time, that there was someone in his life that he was willing to make sacrifices for, and that was, well, it was a weird and new feeling to him. Ephraim had always prioritized himself first, and to some extent, he still did, but now Kalen mattered too, and Kalen mattered...a lot.

"Kalen..." He bit his lip, trying to figure out how to ask this question so that he wouldn't be pressuring the other boy into anything that he wasn't ready for right now, anything that he didn't want. He wanted to be with Kalen, maybe for the rest of his life, but if Kalen wasn't ready right now, Ephraim found himself realizing that he was willing to wait. That he didn't have to have this right now if he knew that he might get it in the future...but he also didn't want to wait a lifetime for someone that he would never have. "Kalen, I...I would like to know where we stand, where I stand with you," he said softly. "Because I love you, and I would like to be with you; if you need time...I will wait for you." He took a deep breath. "But if you know that we are done, please tell me. I will still be here for you 100%, I just...I need to know where you are on this, because as selfish as it is, not knowing is...well, it's agonizing."

Kalen nodded. He didn’t know if calling would be good or not. Right now it seemed like an awful idea. It seemed like the kind of thing that could only end badly. Talking to Jodie on the phone wouldn’t fix his marriage. Nothing would fix his marriage because he was in love with a man he was not married to. So what was the point? What if it just brought back a bunch of heartache and pain? Kalen thought he was already feeling all of the heartache and pain he could handle, but what if he was wrong? What if it was possible to be more heartbroken, for there to be even more pain? There wasn’t enough booze in the world to drown out any more pain. He reached for the coffee Ephraim set in front of him and held it in his hands, mostly so his hands had something to do. He was shaky and nearly spilled the cooled coffee as he brought it to his lips and took the smallest sip known to man. Kalen set the coffee back down as he realized it was just serving as a distraction, and a poor one at that. He wasn’t saying much. There was a lot that needed to be said and he was taking the easy road out by retreating into his new, shiny shell.

Ephraim’s question hit Kalen like a ton of bricks. He knew they would need to talk about their standing at some point, but he just didn’t think it would pop up now. Or any time soon. There were so many other things they could discuss. They could talk about the weather, the stock market, that stupid bitch Kristen Stewart. Kalen would have almost preferred talking about anything else than where they stood because, really, he had no idea. He wanted to be with Ephraim. He wanted to be able to give that man the same love he used to give him. He didn’t want to hold anything back, but he just couldn’t right now. He couldn’t give Ephraim everything he deserved. Not when he was so hung up on the clusterfuck his life was tangled in right now.

“Eph—” Kalen started, the tone of his voice concerning. He took a deep breath and rearranged his words in his mind. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing and ruin yet another relationship in his life. “I love you. You know that, right?” He asked bringing himself to look Ephraim in the eye. “I do, but—I just need time. I need to sort some things out.” That was an understatement. Kalen was a mess. He was drinking and that might not be something he could fix on his own, but he didn't want to drag Ephraim down with him. This was starting to sound a lot like he was breaking up with him, but that wasn’t his intention at all. “I can’t be the person you want me, you need me to be right now. I just—I don’t know where we stand. I’m sorry.”

Ephraim had thought that he was prepared for any answer Kalen would give, whether it be that he wanted no more romance at all, to keep seeing each other the way they were before, or some time in between, Ephraim had thought that he would be okay with it, that he would be able to deal with it, but he had not thought that it would hurt that much to hear out loud. He had known that there was every possibility that they were done, but no matter how much he braced himself for it, it would still have hurt him terribly. He was in love, and he had never been in love before, so he had no way of gauging what it would feel like to be rejected, even temporarily, by the person that you were ass over ankles in love with...and even though this wasn't necessarily final, it wasn't necessarily not, either.

"Alright." Ephraim nodded. Kalen needed time. He could give him time, he had to give him time. What was he going to do? Demand that Kalen be with him now? What good would that do except to ensure that Kalen wanted nothing more to do with him. He could give Kalen an ultimatum, tell him that it was now or never, but he couldn't do that either. Ephraim would wait for Kalen for as long as it took because, well, he was in love. He would either wait for Kalen, possibly forever if he had to, or fall out of love with him, which would also take a lot of time, also maybe forever. Ephraim had it bad, and he knew that. This was the one, if such a thing existed, and he didn't know if there was any way for him to get over that at all.

There had been too many emotions in Ephraim's life lately, and he just wanted some of them to go away, to take a backseat and just give him a break...not that he was deserving of one in any way. "When you know where we stand, let me know, okay?" Ephraim gulped, tears welling in his eyes, lump rising in his throat. He didn't want to cry, to make Kalen feel worse, and he was willing his body not to, to keep this back until Kalen was gone, then he could cry all he wanted. He hadn't lost him, not yet, not for sure, he just needed to hold it together a little longer. "And if you decide you still want me, I will be here." He leaned in, kissing Kalen softly one more time, the last for what he was sure would be awhile. "And if you decide that you do not, well, I will be here for you, as a friend." Those words hard to say, because he hoped so badly that it was the former and not the latter, but both were true. He loved Kalen, and he didn't want to be without him, so if friendship was all he could get, friendship he would take.

Why couldn’t you just be with the person you loved? Why couldn’t it be that easy? Maybe it was that easy, but Kalen was caught in between two people he had very strong feelings for. He was sure one of them didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him and he couldn’t understand why the other one did. Kalen could have asked Ephraim to be with him. He could have lunged at the other man and showed the love he felt, but there was something holding him back. There were a lot of things up in the air. He knew he wouldn’t end up with Jodie, but he didn’t know if that meant he would get Ephraim. He needed to settle some things, decide if and when he was getting divorced, and then go from there. It was all still so raw, so fresh. It hadn’t even been a month yet. Kalen had no idea when this grieving process ended, but he wasn’t in a state to be making any kind of promises he didn’t know if he could keep. To him, giving Ephraim the promises he wanted to hear and then not following through with them was a lot worse than not giving Ephraim a solid answer right now.

Kalen had to drop his gaze. The look in Ephraim’s eyes tore him apart. He had done it again. He had taken a person he loved with all of his heart and he had hurt them. When will anyone ever realize what a monster he is?

Kalen nodded slowly, agreeing to let Ephraim know as soon as he did. It didn’t sound right, though. That was the kind of thing you said when you were trying to plan lunch and you didn’t know if you had an appointment or a meeting standing in your way. Ephraim’s lips were on Kalen’s and Kalen found himself not wanting to let go. For anyone else, that might have been enough. That might have pushed him over the edge and into Ephraim’s arms, but Kalen just wasn’t ready yet. Kalen’s eyes were closed for a moment after the kiss. He didn’t want to forget what it was like to kiss Ephraim. Ever. He wanted to get better so that he could be with the man he loved, but wanting was not enough. The longer he stayed there, the more confused he was. He didn’t want to be friends with Ephraim. He didn’t think he could just be friends with Ephraim. It was all or nothing. “I should go.” Kalen said clearing his throat as he stood up. He collected his things, suddenly in a rush to get out of there. To breathe. “Thank you for everything.” He said, pausing to catch one more look at Ephraim before he exited.

He fished his hand in his pocket for his keys and pulled them out. He walked out to his poorly parked car, trying o remember how it even got there. Everything was such a mess. He pressed the cool metal of the keys against his forehead and kicked a rock across the parking lot. He was angry with himself, so angry with himself. He couldn’t seem to get anything right. Kalen got in his car, turned the music all the way up, and headed back to the pit that was his motel room to try to mix the mess that was his life.

On the way back, he lowered the music and called Jodie and was glad when it went to voicemail. Kalen was silent on his end of the phone for a few moments. He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say to her first and that had been a mistake.

”Hi.” He said, finally. “I realize I’m probably the last person you want to hear from and I know you might just delete this without listening to it, but I really hope you don’t. I am so sorry, Jodie. I know that doesn’t mean much right now, over the phone like this. I—uh—I was hoping that we could meet? I think we need to talk. I can meet you at the house or a coffee shop or anywhere. You tell me what works best for you. Please, Jodie. I know I don’t deserve a chance to explain, but maybe just this once?” He held a long pause, not sure of what else to say. “So, I guess that’s really it. I really hope you’re doing okay. Bye.” Kalen hung up his phone and threw it onto the passenger seat. He turned his music all the way up again and tried to drown out the pain, the thoughts, and the doubts swimming through his mind.

As soon as Kalen left, Ephraim crumbled onto the couch. Was this really happening? He had made such a mess of everything, he had ruined everything that had been good in his life, and he had ruined the only genuinely good person that he knew. He hadn't made Kalen cheat, but he had practically done as much by seducing him. Why couldn't he have just made his move before Kalen got married? Why couldn't he just have woken up sooner and realized that he wanted to bone his best friend? No one would have had to get hurt that way, not Harlow, not Jodie, not Kalen and not even Ephraim! They could all have been happy, Jodie and Harlow with other men, Kalen and Ephraim together, but now that ship had sailed, and there were four more people in the world who were nothing short of completely and totally miserable.

Ephraim had never felt so low in his entire life, not even on the night that he had gone to Kalen to beg him to leave Jodie, because what was going through his head that night had been completely selfish and irrational and he hadn't been thinking clearly, but he was thinking now, and he was thinking that there was a strong chance that the love of his life had just walked out the door, leaving him alone forever. He didn't know if Kalen would come back to him, and what was worse was that he wouldn't know when he would know, either. He might end up waiting a lifetime for something that never happened, and that thought was, to Ephraim, fairly damning. Since he was 16, he had never even stayed in one place for more than a few days before Evergreen, and now there was something binding him here for now, maybe forever, something he might not ever get anyways.

It had been a long time, maybe his whole life, since Ephraim had pulled his knees to his chest and curled into a little ball. If he had ever done it before, it had been as a child and he didn't remember, but he did it now. He didn't know what was happening, and for the second time ever, he wasn't in control of what happened to him. The first time had been when he had lost his virginity, and now what happened was all up to Kalen, and Ephraim didn't like losing control like that. He whimpered, glad that no one was around to see him like this, and finally, now that Kalen was gone, off finding himself or taking the time that he needed to compose himself or whatever it was he was doing, Ephraim let the tears loose, silent, salty streaks running down his cheeks as he tried to get his head around the heartbreak he was feeling.

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