Those Damn Slutty Goldfish!
So I'm minding my own buissness at the dinner table, eating some little Goldfish Crackers when I notice something. They're so gay. Not gay because they're different colors, or even "damn these fish taste gay" but gay. The little goldfish on the side of the box had a blacktop hat on with a rainbow sash. A gay rainbow sash, I've seen the damn things before, I know the difference.
Now I'm a bisexual, total advocate of gay rights, I should be. I think that George Bush needs to either get screwed up the arse with a 10 foot dildo or give us our marriage rights. I mean, 50 years ago interracial marriages weren't allowed for the same reasons, probably more. Love is love, gays are always going to be here wether you like it or not and people need to get over it and mature.
So who do I see advocating for gay rights but a little fish cracker. "Go you damned slutty goldfish!! Be gay!! You be gay!!" I yell, pumping my fist into the air as my dog runs away and hides from my lunacy and my mom tells me not to cuss; and is probably wondering why I'm telling goldfish to be gay. I picked up that queer little box and kissed it, I even danced the tango with it while my mom dialed the number of my psychologist.
From that day on I vowed for Pepperidge Farm Colored Goldfish Crackers to be my sex food from that day forward. No, scratch that, they shall be my freedom food
!! While me and my lesbo concubine PinkSwiss are eating eachother, we shall be munching goldfish!! Whenever I'm bashing Bush on his latest dumbass saying that came out of that shithole he calls a mouth I'll be eating goldfish. Wherever there is a minority in trouble, I'll be there..with my goldfish. And whenever I go for a ride somewhere, you can be pretty damned sure I'll have my goldfish there. Because let's face it, you can get pretty hungry on a long ride.
So (in the style of all those beer commercials), Real Men of Genius, I salute you! Today I salute you, Mr. Fudge Packing Goldfish. While most companies would never make an outright stand for gay rights, you are there, with your little queer mascot discreetly helping us along the way. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Protester for PFLAG, and never change that cracker logo, for you never know when some scared Femme may need help.
So with that said, rock on my little goldfish brothers...rock on.
And this is the word of the Orange Salami B) .