NEW EPILOGUE: Sinistar Gets a Haircut!, Based on a true story!

The Mecha Badasses bid farewell to the Lich King as he mounted his flying undead skeletal horse and took off. The team had learned a lot about Japan during their trip, but they mostly learned how weird it was and how far away they wanted to be from it. Soon after the Lich King’s departure, the Mecha Badasses each lept upon their respective flying motorcycles and headed back to the Mecha Badasses’ Floating Skull Base. Upon arrival, the Badasses received a very brief period of peace and quiet before being interrupted by an extremely loud alarm and the booming voice of their leader, Sinistar, over a PA system.

Sinistar: Everyone! I have an announcement of vast importance to make! Proceed to the Meeting Chamber of Death at once!

Caught off guard, the Badasses quickly scrambled to their feet and ran as fast as they could to the Meeting Chamber of Death. Gentleman was surprisingly the first to arrive. As he entered the chamber, he was greeted by Sinistar standing in front of a podium with spikes coming out of it.

Sinistar: Welcome! So what do you think of the new PA system?

Gentleman: It’s fucking loud!

Sinistar: Fantastic!

Gentleman: Why do you need a PA system AND an alarm!? I can’t even hear one over the other.

Sinistar: Hm, really? Perhaps I should consider increasing the volume of the PA system…

Sinistar’s thought was cut short when the rest of the Mecha Badasses entered the chamber.

Sinistar: Ah, you’re all here! Good.

Wily Man: Why do you have a PA system and an alarm ringing consecutively!?

Sinistar: I know, I was just discussing that with-

Robotnik Man: Sinistar! You’ve really done it this time… my insightful and brilliant deliberation has been interrupted by your bickering yet again! WHY I OUGHT TO…

Sinistar: Okay, okay, I get it already! I already told Gentleman that I’ll turn up the volume of the PA system. There, problem solved! Can we move on now?

Robotnik Man: YOU BOLT BRAIN! How will that-

Sinistar: Anyways, I called you all here because I have an important announcement to make! I’m going to be getting a hair cut and I want you all to come with me!

Everyone: …

Wily Man: You couldn’t have just said that over the PA system?

Sinistar: No! It’s much too important for that! Now who’s coming with me?

And with that, most of the team left the room in outrage. Only three Badasses remained in the chamber: Yellow Devil Man, Predator Man and Moses Dante Man.

Yellow Devil Man: I’ll go! I’m with you Sinistar!!

Predator Man: Maybe we will meet the three geyser guys!

Moses Dante Man: Ha ha! You must be kidding, aren’t you?

Sinistar: Alright! This is perfect! With only three members coming along, character development will move much faster!

Predator Man: Yay!

Sinistar: Okay, let’s go!

Yellow Devil Man: Can we take the flying motorcycles?!

Sinistar: Hell no! I had to return those.

Yellow Devil Man: Aww…

Sinistar: We’re going to be heading there in these flying skull pods that Wily Man invented for us.

Yellow Devil Man: Well, that’s okay… I guess…

Sinistar: You’re damn right it is!

The four Badasses then left the chamber and got in their flying skull pods. They all arrived at the barber shop fairly quickly, with the exception of Moses Dante Man, who was nowhere to be seen.

Sinistar: Where’s Dante gone off to?

Yellow Devil Man: I think he said he was going to stop by a store or something…

Meanwhile…

Moses Dante Man: Hi.

Store Cashier: Can I help you?

Moses Dante Man: Yea, can I have a dozen red roses, please?

Store Cashier: Oh, hi Dante, I didn’t know it was you!

The store clerk then got out the roses Dante had requested.

Store Cashier: Here you go.

Moses Dante Man: That’s me! How much is it?

Store Cashier: It’ll be eighteen dollars-

Moses Dante Man: Here you go! Keep the change.

Moses Dante Man handed over a twenty dollar bill before turning his head and noticing an out of place dog on the counter.

Moses Dante Man: Hi doggie!

Store Cashier: You’re my favourite customer!

Moses Dante Man: Thanks a lot, bye!

Back at the barber shop, the Badasses kicked the door down and proudly burst in.

Sinistar: Alright folks! I want a hair cut, and I want one right… NOW!

Female Barber: Okay sir, but you’ll have to wait.

Sinistar: Okay.

Yellow Devil Man: WHAT! Sinistar, we don’t have to take this! We’re the badasses, we should get haircuts whenever we want!!

Sinistar: Devil Man, while that may be true, look at all these magazines they have!

Yellow Devil Man: Those are all girly hair magazines…

Sinistar: Yes, but they’re all free! The secret is to take them when nobody’s looking and stuff them in your pants.

After a brief pause, Sinistar quickly grabbed a pile of magazines and shoved them down his pants.

Female Barber: …

Sinistar: Yes?

Female Barber: I… did you just-?

Sinistar: What are you talking about? Are you insinuating that I just grabbed a handful of magazines and shoved them down my pants!? Preposterous! Ridiculous! Outrageous! If you continue this pointless inquisition, then I will just have to take my business elsewhere!

After another awkward pause, the perplexed barber shook her head in disbelief and went back to cutting hair. Sinistar shoved another heap of magazines down his pants.

Yellow Devil Man: Why would we need magazines anyways!?

Sinistar: You’re right, we need more loot. Go over there and grab a bunch of hair sprays while nobody’s looking!

Yellow Devil Man: But I-!

Sinistar: What are you waiting for!? These will go for at least two dollars on Ebay! What, do you hate profit?

Yellow Devil Man: I just don’t want-

Sinistar: UGH! Fine! Predator Man, you do it instead.

Predator Man: With pleasure!

Female Barber: Okay sir, we’re ready to cut your hair.

Sinistar: Fantastic!

Female Barber: That woman over there will be cutting your hair.

Mysterious Female Barber: Hi! Sit down in this chair and we can get started.

Sinistar: Hmm…

Yellow Devil Man: What is it?

Sinistar: There’s something strange about that barber…!

Yellow Devil Man: You mean her purple hair?

Sinistar: No, that’s not it.

Yellow Devil Man: Her red face?

Sinistar: No!

Yellow Devil Man: Her armor?

Sinistar: No, no, no! I was referring to the fact that she has the word ‘mysterious’ in her name.

Yellow Devil Man: Wha??

Mysterious Female Barber: Are you coming or not!?

Sinistar: Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on, I’m coming.

Sinistar seated himself in the salon chair as a cloth was placed over his robotic leather jacket suit.

Sinistar: Now, I don’t want too much off. Just a trim. If you so much as cut off more than one inch, I will destroy you and all you hold dear.

Mysterious Female Barber: I’d like to see you try…

Sinistar: Oh, and don’t even think about touching my mustache! It took me years to grow this thing. And by years, I mean three seconds. I can actually grow mustaches at will.

Mysterious Female Barber: Hmph! Shut up!

Sinistar: And you better not scratch my armor! Or my beautiful Sinihead. Quite frankly, I believe in the Code of Hammurabi, and if you gouge out one of my eyes by accident, you better be ready for a gouging of your own!

Mysterious Female Barber: SHUT UP!! I CAN’T STAND YOU! DIIIIEEEE!

The barber then raised her scissors and prepared to plunge them into Sinistar’s head. Unfortunately for her, the scissors simply deflected off and flew across the room. At that moment, Moses Dante Man arrived at the door. The dog he met in the store had followed him and also entered the barber shop. The deflected scissors were heading straight for the dog. Yellow Devil Man quickly realized this.

Moses Dante Man: Oh, hi, Yellow Devil Man!

Yellow Devil Man: NOOOOOO!

Moses Dante Man: Huh.

Yellow Devil Man swiftly leapt out of his chair and heroically dove in front of the dog. The airborne scissors penetrated his goopy blob armor and stabbed him in the shoulder.

Moses Dante Man: AAAAARGH! WHY, YELLOW DEVIL MAN!? Why, WHY!?

Sinistar: What the!?

Mysterious Female Barber: Hee hee hee… You are so ridiculous! Why don’t you little babies act your age and stop crying!?

Moses Dante Man: How dare you talk to me like that!?

Sinistar: What the hell is going on!? Calm down, you crazy bitch!

The barber slowly turned her head to Sinistar. Her face began to twitch.

Mysterious Female Barber: … NEVER TELL A WOMAN TO CALM DOWN! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE ON THEIR PERIOD!

Sinistar: What the fuck!?

Moses Dante Man: You must be crazy. You look like a baby face!

Mysterious Female Barber: YOU’RE A BABY! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S NOT ACTING THEIR AGE! RAHHHH!

The barber then took out a gun and aimed it at Moses Dante Man. Sinistar used his kung fu action grip to knock the gun out of her hand.

Sinistar: Just who do you think you are!?

Mysterious Female Barber: Are you really that stupid, deary? I am… SUNSTAR!

Sinistar: What!? I’m the only Sinistar around here!

Sunstar: No!! I said SUNSTAR!

Sinistar: I know, that’s what I said! So what, are you my mentally challenged twin or something?

Sunstar: NOT SINISTAR! SUNSTAR! S-U-N-S… UH… TAR!

Sinistar: Eh!? I don’t know anybody named-

Sunstar: I’M CASTALA!

Sinistar: I don’t…

Sunstar: THE LEADER OF ASTRUM IMPERIUM!!! GOD!!

Sinistar: Oh…!

Sunstar: That’s right, hun! And I found out about your team! You think you can insult my team and get away with it? You don’t know how hard they work! We’ve been through so much and suffered more than probably anyone in the whole entire universe!

Sinistar: Your team doesn’t do shit!

Sunstar: GRRR!

Sinistar: Name one thing they’ve done in the last two months.

Sunstar: ………….

Sinistar: Exactly!

Sunstar: SHUT UP THEY WORK HARD! AND YOU INSULTED THEM!

Sinistar: I was actually mostly just insulting you.

Sunstar: THAT’S IT!

Sunstar then grabbed another pair of scissors and attempted to stab Sinistar again.

Sinistar: Ha!

Sinistar effortlessly picked her up and threw her across the room. Unfortunately, he didn’t pay attention to the direction he was throwing her in. The airborne Sunstar was headed straight for the dog!

Yellow Devil Man: NOOOOO!

Yellow Devil Man grabbed his bloody shoulder and jumped, again, in front of the dog. Sunstar bashed right into him, knocking him unconscious. But the dog was okay!

Sinistar: Whoops! Sorry, Yellow Devil Man!

Sunstar: I MEANT FOR THAT TO HAPPEN! AHAHAHAHA! NOW IT’S MY TURN! Get ready to die!

Moses Dante Man: In a few minutes, bitch!

As Moses Dante Man said this, he got into a fighting stance. Sunstar made her face go all weird, almost like it was upside down. She then pulled out another gun and aimed it at Moses Dante Man. Dante simply raised the cannon that was attached to his arm and shot a football at her face. On impact, the football broke her nose and sprayed blood into her eyes.

Sunstar: ARGHHH I’M BLIND!

Moses Dante Man: You know what they say. Love is blind!

Sunstar: I DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE WHO INSULT ME!

In her blind fury, Sunstar fired her gun randomly. Two of the bullets winged Moses Dante Man in his leg and arm, rendering him temporarily immobile.

Moses Dante Man: EAAAUGH!

Sinistar: NO!

Sunstar: HA HA HA HA HA! TAKE THAT, HUN!

Sinistar: … CASTALAAAAARGHHHHH!! PREPARE TO DIE!

Sinistar’s eyes flashed red in anger. An aura of badassery glowed around him. He quickly ran towards Sunstar and charged into her, knocking her down. With one hand, Sinistar grabbed her whorish purple hair, lifting her off the ground. Sunstar desperately aimed her gun at Sinistar and fired it. The bullet bounced off of Sinistar’s head as it detached from his robotic body and flew towards Sunstar, devouring her gun.

Sunstar: AHHHH!

Sunstar flailed her arms about like an idiot, thinking that it would actually inflict harm upon Sinistar. Suddenly, she had an epiphany.

Sunstar: … AH HA HA HA HA HA!

Sinistar: What?

Sunstar: I have a backup plan! I got some random person on the street to make this special bomb for me!

Sinistar: So your team doesn’t even do their own evil plans?

Sunstar: SHUT UP!!

Badly beaten and desperate for escape, Sunstar quickly pulled a device out of her pocket and pressed a button on it. Sinistar knew that the button would activate a bomb or do something else really cliché, so he quickly reattached his head to his robotic body, let go of Sunstar and started to run away. In slow motion! With one fell swoop, Sinistar grabbed the unconscious Yellow Devil Man, the wounded Moses Dante Man and the dog. Since he didn’t have three arms, he started juggling them as he turned around and jumped out the window.

Predator Man simply walked out the broken window while scribbling something down on a notepad. The barber shop exploded soon after.

Predator Man: YES! That was perfect! I wrote down the whole thing. We can make stories and epilogues based on this!

Sinistar: Fantastic! Now that I think about it, this event has strengthened our bonds and given our team more depth! But… I didn’t get a haircut!

Sinistar picked up a broken shard of the window and looked at his reflection.

Sinistar: Just look at how messy and long my- oh! Right! I don’t have any hair! Ha!

Predator Man: Ha ha ha ha!

Moses Dante Man: Hah hah hah! I’m so happy I have you as my best friend.

Sinistar: Well, good! You should be.

And with that, the Mecha Badasses returned to their base. They did not return empty handed, however. As Sinistar said, the bonds between the four Badasses were now stronger than ever. On top of that, each of them had gained more experience from the whole incident. One thousand experience points, to be precise. Moses Dante Man even levelled up!

Upon returning to their base, Sinistar pulled all the magazines out of his pants. Unfortunately, this victory was not without losses. Predator Man was too busy writing to have stolen any hair spray cans, which would have greatly increased their profit. Regardless, Sinistar sold the magazines on Ebay for five dollars. He used the five dollars to commission another homeless man into making sprites for him. Unfortunately, the homeless man just took the money and ran off. Sinistar couldn’t help but think that Sunstar somehow survived the explosion and paid the hobo to steal his money and run away…

Meanwhile, at Astrum Imperium…

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: Hi…

Terra: Oh, hey- OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: I don’t want to talk about it…

Terra: But you’re on fire!

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play Second Life.

Terra: Actually, Sunstar, the team has been talking and we’ve been thinking of making another epilogue-

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: NO! I’M BUSY!!

Terra: I thought you were just going to-

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: WHEN I SAY I’M BUSY I MEAN I’M BUSY! Please… leave me… alone.

Terra: This is because of those Mecha Badasses, isn’t it?!

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: … Maybe.

Terra: Ohhh, we’ll have our revenge on them… I’ll stop them if it’s the LAST THING I-

Badly Beaten Up Sunstar: SHUT UP!!! YOU MADE MY GAME MINIMIZE BY TALKING! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EVENT! RAHHH!

BUSY!!!!

I love this story so much...

Ah, the memories. If I'm not mistaken, every line of hers until the Second life thing has been said.

We need a sequel! I claim Uranus because we're the two biggest!
His bio says he's 63% German, so we can have a heated Deutsch debate before we throw down! Once he's beaten, I'll tie him to MEIN KAMPFY CHAIR! and SHAVE HIS PRECIOUS HAIR WHILST EATING HIS ZEBRA CAKES!

:3

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Oh that Castala!

Glad you liked it. I'm going home!

While that IS an amazing fantastico idea, I'm going to have to delay the epilogue with our final and epic showdown with Astrum. We need more buildup! And story arcs! And bad character development!

I already have the next epilogue all planned out. It will be titled The Rise and Fall of Shadow Fishbowl Man. Or something.

Hmph. ALL SHALL FEAR MY MIGHTY GREEN COMBOVER!