Note: I'm pretty sure he did more than this with The Choof in the WWA but this is all I have of it! If anyone has more, feel free to add it!

WWA War Of The Words 05/17/01

***The Choof***

SCENE ONE

[For a brief moment, the dark sky is lit a glowing
azure as a jagged bolt of lightning crashes down,
driving hard into what appears to be some sort of
generator. The machine resembles a bowl, sitting atop
a cage-like pyramid not unlike a smaller-scale Eiffel
Tower. Several of these energy-harnessing devices
stand in a row along a barren plain that ends at a
cliff. Far below, over the side of said cliff, what
we see there is a beach, which is currently being
bombarded by towering, torrential waves. A fierce
storm sweeps the ocean water about relentlessly, and
we hear alarms blaring in the background. More
lightning is sucked into the generators, accompanied
by ear-bludgeoning thunder every time. And yet amidst
all the noise, we can still hear voices in the
distance, along with the sound of footsteps.
Thousands of footsteps, marching in unison. Armies
are gathering...]


SCENE TWO

CHOOF: "Aaaah!"

[And suddenly, the picture changes entirely, as we see
the Choof leap out of bed, his head dripping with
sweat, his breath even more labored than usual. He's
smiling, but it's an empty smile, as his frightened
eyes and heavy panting reveal that he's quite
traumatized by the dream he was just having. And how
did we see that dream? Why, through the Dream-Cam, of
course, which is on his head again. For those
unfamiliar with the Dream-Cam, it's a silver
bowl-looking thing that's covered with wires and fits
on your head. Sort of like that thing the 1955 Doc
Brown was wearing when he first encountered Marty in
the first "Back to the Future."]

[Anyway, the Choof's entire body is painted yellow, he
has giant buck teeth, his eyes are always squinted, he
wears nothing but a yellow speedo and a bonnet with
six triangular flaps that make his head look like a
cartoonish sun, and he has a very small, pig-like
nose. Oh yeah, and he's REALLY fat - pretty much
spherical, actually. Only 5'9" or so but still 300
pounds. He loves to eat, you see. Especially pie.
Loves pie. Hey, I just wrote a new description rather
than just copying and pasting an old one. Someone's
got his working boots on tonight!]

[On with the story: we are in the Choof's bedroom,
which is painted yellow. And the bedspread is yellow.
So's the bed. Okay, just picture a room where
everything is yellow and bright, make all the decorum
something straight out a baby nursery, and you've
pretty much got a feel for what this lunatic's humble
abode looks like. Oh, yeah, and there's also another
guy in the room, one "Openly Gray" Francis Fay, the
Choof's career adviser. He's finally shown the
courage to openly admit… uh… that his hair is graying
prematurely. Yep, he's not dyeing it anymore. He IS
wearing a pink sweater vest, though, so… um… well,
anyway.]

FAY: (looking very concerned) "It's all right,
Choof! The nightmare's over!"

CHOOF: "Oh golly gee willikers and goody goody
gumdrops, Francis, I'm SO HAPPY you still had the
Dream-Cam! Now you've seen the horrible recurring
dream that's been plaguing me lately! Every night I
end up in this horrible post-apocalyptic world with
dark clouds and lightning and armies and tidal waves
and all those other things that 15-year-old comic book
fanboys think make for interesting imagery!"

FAY: "Oh, it sounds awful!"

CHOOF: "It is! I want to dream of happy things, not
this stuff! Or at least let me dream of things
relevant to my life, things that interest me! Heck,
let me dream about wrestling! At least that's
pertinent to me! But I don't really care about armies
of the future and the genetic research that's creating
them or anything like that! So why do I keep dreaming
about them?"

[Francis crosses his arms and taps his foot, rolling
his eyes at the Choof. After a few moments, he pulls
the Dream-Cam off the Choof's head.]

FAY: (in a scolding tone) "Because you foolishly got
yourself involved in this whole Project Hero Theory
nonsense, that's why!"

CHOOF: "I don't even understand this whole Project
Hero Theory thing, though! I just wanted that bakery
Father Trinity promised me if I took Hiro's blood. I
lost track of all these Japanese generals and their
evil motives and all that a long time ago, and I don't
know what's going on despite my best efforts, and
frankly, Francis, it's not making me very happy!"

[Francis gasps.]

FAY: "You... Choof... not happy?!?"

CHOOF: (holding his head) "I can't believe it
either, but I think I'm approaching a minor state of
relative unhappiness! And it's all because of this
confusing Project Hero Theory stuff! I don't know
what I'm watching, or why I'm watching it, and now
that I've become a part of it, it's entering my dreams
and tearing my very brain apart!"

FAY: "Choof, this can't be! If you lose your eternal
happiness, then you won't have a gimmick! Well, maybe
that pie thing can sustain you for a while, but I
really think you need the 'twisted euphoria' angle,
too! Without it, you'll be much less marketable, and
as your career adviser, I gotta tell you that that
doesn't bode well!"

CHOOF: (uncertainty in his voice) "Uh... it makes me
so happy to hear you're looking out for my best
interests."

FAY: "Oh, always, Choof!"

CHOOF: "So what should I do?"

FAY: "The only way to get Hero Theory out of your
head is to eliminate him from your life! You have to
put him out of commission at Spring Fling."

CHOOF: "Oh, that would make me SO HAPPY! Then I
would be NATV Champion, as I should have been this
past MNL! I had Rizer pinned, and then Hiro sneaks in
and hops on top of Rizer as well, and the silly
referee declares it a draw!"

FAY: "Yep. Hiro stole _your_ pinfall."

CHOOF: "Well, stealing isn't a happy thing, so let's
just say I let him co-pin Rizer with me as a gift.
After all, it's only fair, after he was kind enough to
give me the gift of his very blood! In fact, now that
I think about it, considering how much MORE blood Hiro
stands to give at Spring Fling, I guess he more than
deserves my gift of that Rizer co-pin. (the Choof's
eyebrows arch dangerously) Besides, no harm in
letting him hold on to the title for an extra couple
of days. Come Spring Fling, it shall be a truly
joyous day, for everyone knows that I am the rightful
and deserving champion!"

FAY: "Well, I'm sure the WWA would prefer to see the
title change hands on a PPV, rather than an MNL.
After all, you want to give your _paying_ audience the
more noteworthy stuff, otherwise why would you pay in
the first place?"

CHOOF: "Exactly. Knowing President Leviathan, that's
probably what he told the referee, which led to the
ref's ruling on the match. After all, if there wasn't
some agenda there to keep the belt around Hiro's waist
for a while longer, I'm sure the decision would have
been to let Hiro and I continue to wrestle
one-on-one."

FAY: "Well, I hope you're right about them only
protecting Hiro until Spring Fling... I'd hate to
learn that one of my clients was doomed to be screwed
over repeatedly."

CHOOF: "Nah... I'm in good with President Leviathan,
Francis! No reason for such unhappy thoughts!"

[Francis raises an eyebrow.]

CHOOF: "You know, if I'm to eliminate Hero Theory
from the WWA forever... which I guess I need to do if
I'm to stop having these horrible dreams... I'm really
going to be hindered by all these pesky American laws
against excessive violence."

FAY: "Yeah... damned Puritanical roots of our law
code! Believe me, I'm no fan of this country's
conservative morality!"

CHOOF: "Oh, but I just had such a HAPPY revelation!
Spring Fling is in Atlanta, Georgia, right? The deep
South? The rednecks down there would LOVE to be
lawless and shoot each other left and right, but they
can't because of the laws made by the spineless Yanks
up north!"

FAY: "That may be true, but what difference does it
make?"

CHOOF: "You'll see! Oh, and it will be a HAPPY DAY!"


SCENE 3

[The cameras begin rolling in the parking lot outside
the Georgia State Legislature, as Francis Fay exits
his car.]

FAY: (to the cameraman) "Why are you filming me?
The Choof just asked me to meet him here for some
reason."

CAMERAMAN: "Eh, I've only got a little film left on
this tape so I thought I'd use it up."

FAY: "Wow, finally an explanation for the ubiquitous
presence of a WWA cameraman."

[Francis continues to walk toward the arena, when
suddenly he hears a sound from below.]

FAY: (whirling around) "What was that?"

[Suddenly, a nearby manhole cover is pushed away.
Crawling out is none other than the Choof!]

FAY: "What the--"

[The Choof climbs out of the manhole, holding an
enormous circular block of cheese for some
inexplicable reason.]

CHOOF: "Golly gee willikers and goody goody gumdrops!
It's Francis Fay, the man who makes me HAPPIER than
anyone else in the world!"

SMALL: "I do?"

CHOOF: "Sure! After all, you're living proof that
virtually anyone can hold down a job and live a fairly
productive life! You're an inspiration to millions, a
true hope for the future! And that MAKES ME HAPPY!
I'm so glad you agreed to meet me here today!"

FAY: "Uh, okay. Anyway, if you don't mind me
asking... WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING OUT OF A SEWER? And
furthermore, why are you carrying a massive cheese
block?!?"

CHOOF: (giggling) "Well, I was in the kitchen, ready
to make this block of cheese into a pie, when suddenly
it was stolen!"

FAY: "Someone stole _cheese_ from you?"

CHOOF: "Sure! Haven't you ever heard of Cheese
Stolen coffee cake?"

[Francis slaps his palm against his forehead.]

CHOOF: "But anyway, a bunch of sewer rats made off
with my cheese and headed up into the sewers!"

FAY: "Headed _up_ into the sewers? Where's your
kitchen, the center of the earth?"

[The Choof nods "yes," as if saying, "Of course my
kitchen is in the center of the earth!" Francis only
sighs.]

CHOOF: "So I chased after the rats, who were very
happy to have some cheese, which in turn made me SO
HAPPY! For the happiness of others makes me very
happy as well, Francis!"

FAY: "Uh..."

CHOOF: "Finally, I caught up to the rats, who were
defecating all over the cheese at this point, and I
said, 'Fellow buck-toothed brethren, there's no need
to steal that cheese! We can all defecate on it and
then bake it into a pie, and then we can all be VERY
HAPPY as we eat that pie, and then later we might eat
some other pies as well, which are now cooling on the
top floor of the Empire State Building! And the rats
said, 'The Empire State Building?' You put pies up
there to cool? And I said, 'But of course, what ELSE
do you think it was built for?' So then the rats and
I went to the Empire State Building and had tons of
fun, but eventually it was time to leave the
sewers..."

FAY: "Uh, the Empire State Building isn't in the
sewers."

CHOOF: (ignoring him) "And so that's when I took my
cheese and headed back here! And here I am, ready to
visit the Georgia State Legislature!"

FAY: "Choof, I must say… you are truly the most
deranged human being I've ever met. What led to this
degree of lunacy?"

CHOOF: "I'm not a lunatic, Francis! I'm just very
happy! Ecstatic even, you might say! I even take a
medication to stay happy called 'ecstasy!' It was
prescribed by the nice doctor who's SO HAPPY with his
job that he doesn't even need a fancy office or
clothes! That's why he works down at the street
corner, where he gives me my ecstasy five times a day,
and then--"

FAY: (cutting him off) "Choof, I know this Project
Hero Theory stuff has been threatening your happiness,
but you... oh, never mind. Anyway, Choof, I have no
clue what you're planning on doing in there tonight,
and frankly I'm not sure I want to know, but have
fun."

CHOOF: "Thanks, Francis! And remember... BE HAPPY!"

(The Choof then begins to waddle up the stairs of the
Capitol building, pushing the giant cheese in front of
him like a wheel, apparently oblivious to the dirt and
grime that's getting on it as a result.)

FAY: "Well, there goes the wrestling world's answer
to a madman version of Winnie the Pooh right there."

[The Choof heads up the stairs, walks through the
lobby, yada yada yada. He eventually makes his way to
the main chamber, where an emergency session has been
called, it seems. The federal government has
threatened to cut their transportation funding, so
they need to think of a way to spend a lot of money to
prove to the government how much they need. So
they’re building a new underwater superhighway to
Brazil or something. Whatever. Stop asking
questions.]

[And speaking of not asking questions, don't ask when
the Choof pulls an American flag seemingly out of
nowhere, just like they do in the cartoons. His
patriotism violates the very laws of reality, I
guess.]

[Upon seeing this bucktoothed yellow freak enter the
chamber, the speaker of the house stands up.]

SPEAKER: “Who... or what... are you?”

CHOOF: “Oh, golly gee willikers and goody goody
gumdrops! I’m so glad to be here in the Georgia
legislature! It’s so good to see you fine people
working hard to make this state the best it can be!
It certainly needs the help, being the wretched strip
of dirt that it is! But with your hard work, maybe
someday Georgia can surpass even Mississippi and West
Virginia in literacy rates and overall respectability!
And that makes me SO HAPPY!”

[Needless to say, this causes a great deal of
grumbling amongst the representatives. Meanwhile, the
Choof hugs himself.]

SPEAKER: “Who are you? A heckler? State your
business!”

CHOOF: “Oh, sorry. My name’s the Choof! And I
brought you a pie!”

[Seemingly out of nowhere, the Choof pulls a pie from
behind his back, placing it on the nearest table.]

CHOOF: "And this giant cheese, too!"

[The Choof drops the grimy cheese on its side.]

CHOOF: “Sorry I didn’t bring more for all of you, but
I figured the majority of you Georgia rednecks would
be all filled up on grits or country fried steak or
something!”

[More grumbling amongst the representatives.]

CHOOF: “Anyway, Mr. Speaker, today is Independence
Day!"

SPEAKER: (confused) "No, it's not. Independence Day
is a month and a half away."

CHOOF: (completely ignoring him) "It’s the day that
we celebrate the United States breaking away from
England. And I’m here to ask Georgia to declare its
independence as well!”

SPEAKER: “What?!?”

CHOOF: “Oh, come on! Georgia already left the
country during the Civil War! Remember how HAPPY that
was?”

SPEAKER: “Happy? That led to the biggest bloodbath
in American history!”

CHOOF: (oblivious) “Joy! Then you’re willing?”

SPEAKER: “Absolutely not!”

CHOOF: (still oblivious) “Joy! This will benefit
both sides! No longer will America as a whole have to
be embarrassed by including Georgia! And no longer
will Georgia be on the receiving end from embittered
citizens of the other 49 states, who are always angry
that Georgia is always increasing the national average
for retardation and teenage pregnancy!”

SPEAKER: (pounding his gavel) “Sir, I must ask you
to leave! You have insulted this assembly and the
state it represents!”

CHOOF: “Does this mean you’ll secede?”

SPEAKER: “NO, it doesn’t!”

CHOOF: “You really should reconsider. You see, the
United States allows immigrants into the country, but
as an independent nation, Georgia could prevent that!
You could stop foreign pests like Hero Theory from
coming into the country!”

SPEAKER: “What?”

CHOOF: “And furthermore, you lawmakers wouldn't be
restricted by the 'culture' and 'civilization' of the
Yanks up in Washington! And then you could throw out
all those anti-violence laws that keep us from
settling our issues like real Southern men! And then
I could be totally barbaric against Hero Theory at
Spring Fling, end his career, get him out of my life
and out of my head forever, and we'd all be SO HAPPY!”

SPEAKER: “Get him out of here! Now!”

[Security swarms on the Choof, dragging him by the
arms out of the chamber.]

CHOOF: (still grinning of course) “And merry Fourth
of July to you, and to all good looking siblings for
breeding purposes!”

[Angered by yet another inbreeding joke, which all
Georgia citizens have easily had enough of, the guards
drag the Choof to the front door of the Capitol, open
it, and throw the Choof down the LONG array of steps!
They quickly shut the door, and as the camera fades
down, we hear the sound of the rotund Choof rolling
down the Capitol steps, giggling all the way. He
lands at the feet of Francis Fay.]

FAY: "Any luck, Choof?"

CHOOF: (getting up, dusting himself off) "No, but
I'm still happy, Francis."

[The Choof's eyes narrow.]

CHOOF: "I take Hero Theory's title at Spring Fling.
That makes me VERY HAPPY."

[Fade to yellow as the Choof's eyebrows arch downward
ominously.]