["Zoo Station" by U2 cues up as images of action by Keystone Elite Wrestling's finest flash upon the screen.



KEW PRESENTS...WAR CRIES!!!



Slow dissolve from the graphics as we fade up into our modest studio. As always, KEW's own "Big" Al Lieberman sits behind his trusty desk. He shuffles the papers on his desk and flashes a big grin.]

BAL: Hello again, KEW Fans! Here we are, right on the cusp of Defiance in Pittsburgh and things are chaotic! We'll try to get to the bottom of everything tonight. As an added bonus, we'll be live on the phone with a Keystone Elite superstar later on in the show!

[A beat.]

BAL: Actually, it'll be with Gamma Ray. [He sighs.] What did I do in a previous life to deserve this?! Nevermind, we'll deal with it when it happens...maybe he'll call in sick or something...

[Al clears his throat.]

BAL: Last Lion's Den, two shining new talents made their Keystone debuts. Unfortunately, for the two men, their debuts were marred by an altercation at the beginning of the show. We're still not exactly sure why Kratos and Motown got into it, but come Defiance they'll be facing each other in the ring and hopefully they'll work those issues out! Let's hear from those two men now...

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

KRATOS

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[Kratos is walking around, outside the Petersen Events Centre. He's wearing a leather jacket and jeans. The footage is in black and white and shakes often, like it's taken from a hand-held camera. Kratos speaks into the camera as he's walking.]

K: I'm going to keep this short. Last Lion's Den, I finally made my big professional wrestling debut, the moment I'd been looking forward to for years... and somebody backstage screwed up, and the first fans saw of me is fighting like a hooligan. Oh well, can't be helped. At least I was winning.

[He pauses, and his look turns serious.]

K: But now I'm getting to step into the ring with this guy, to take my frustration out on him, to prove that I'm the better wrestler, that I'm the better fighter. I'm going to make a new impression on the KEW fans. When they think of Kratos, they're not going to think of that guy who fought someone on the entranceway. They're going to think of Kratos, the future world champion.

[He stops walking, and moves closer to the camera.]

K: And when they think of Motown? They'll be trying to remember who that is.

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

MOTOWN

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[Fade up background music: Otis Redding - Sitting on the Dock of the Bay Camera fades up on a black T-Shirt silk screened with a photo of a wide eyed Stonecutter being thrown head over heels by a snarling Motown. The shirt's caption reads: Motown's Greatest Hits. Pull back so you can see the wearer of the shirt and the KEW logo on
the wall behind him. The wearer is a teenage, Afro-American boy, short hair and black glasses. The youth's eyes are bright with excitement. He bounces back and forth on his heels, slightly hunched forward. Licking his lips, he begins to speak.]

FREDDIE: I hope you all caught Motown's debut last week on the mighty K.E.W. But that's just the beginning. Next time in Petersen Events Center, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Motown takes on Kratos. You may think you know Motown but you haven't seen anything yet. He went easy on Stonecutter but Kratos's not gonna be so lucky. Motown's tasted blood and he likes it. When he gets in the ring he's gone crush Kratos.

[Freddie wrings his hands with a grimace]

He's gonna knock him senseless

[Freddie grabs his throat and mimes blows to his head.]

He'll hit him up

[Freddie gives himself an upper cut and jumps up]

He'll knock him down

[Freddie falls out of sight with a thump then bounces back up.]

Oh, yeah! He's gonna put a hurtin' on him real bad.

MOTOWN [Off stage left]: Freddie. . .

FREDDIE: Oh oh. . .

[Motown enters from stage left]

MOTOWN: What have I told you about running your mouth?

FREDDIE [Pleadingly]: But it's all true! You're gonna annihilate him!

MOTOWN: Freddie. . .

FREDDIE [Shoulders slump, eyes to ceiling. Wipes his eye, then speaking in monotone route]: I'm not to trash talk about anybody who doesn't deserve it no matter whether I took my pill or not.

MOTOWN: And what else?

FREDDIE [evan more penitent, sighing]: I'm sorry everybody had to listen to my big mouth and I'll remember not to do in the future.

MOTOWN [lovingly]: That's my boy. Now c'mon we gotta drop this off at the bus yard.

[Motown bends down and pick up something below camera view. It's an engine at least "0" tall and 5' wide. Pistons are pumping, the fan and belts are turning. His hoists it on his left shoulder like it was next to weightless and walks off screen, stage right.

Fade to Black. Fade Music. Cut back to Al at the studio.]

BAL: Both men look eager and ready to go. I think this one might go closer than expected! [Al checks his papers.] Meanwhile, these past few months have seen the Four Jacks besieged on a number of fronts! Both Spades and Hearts have butted heads with an insane Gamma Ray while their stablemates Clubs and Diamonds were ambushed by the West Coast Wild Boyz when they had a shot at the KEW Tag Team Titles! They'll be putting in triple duty at Defiance. Jak of Hearts will square off against Akiruu Belathiel, Clubs and Diamonds will be looking for payback against Nicky Hunter and Jason Jordan and the Jack of Spades himself will take on Gamma Ray!

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

THE FOUR JACKS

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[The camera fades in on the crashing surf of a stretch of water becoming familiar to KEW fans. The camera pans up from the jagged rocks sticking up from the water, up a steep cliff, to a verdant green lawn of a large red brick house. The leader of the Four Jacks, Jack of Spades, is standing at the edge of the cliff, his arms crossed over his well-built chest, a scowl on his handsome features. Behind him is the Jax of Clubs, opting for an outside workout. His legs locked around the limb of a tree, the burly young man is doing sit-ups while upside down. His tag team partner, the graceful Jaq of Diamonds, is going through a training exercise with a bokken. The cat-like grace of the young man as leaps through the air, parrying with the wooden sword, is both beautiful and somewhat menacing. As he makes a final pass with the weapon, Jaq of Diamonds stops by the tree, and places the weapon down, resting it on the trunk.]

Jaq of Diamonds: All the blood's going to rush to your head if you keep that up, you know.

Jax of Clubs: [Flips down from the tree with an acrobat's fluidity.] Hey, so long as it's rushing, that's fine with me. It's Jason Jordan and Nicky Hunter that need to be worrying about their blood - as in I don't wanna get too much of theirs on me - don't know where they've been.

Jaq Of Diamonds: [His nose wrinkles in distaste as he thinks about their opponents for the upcoming card.] Oh, I have a rather good idea. Places full of cheap drinks and even cheaper women. I don't like what's going to have to happen at the next Lion's Den. [Looks over at Jax Of Clubs] Winning or losing is immaterial in this one. We need to make a statement. [He looks out at the ocean, and sighs.]

JOD: We're going to have to hurt them. [Sighs, and runs his hands through his long blonde hair] I really don't want to have to do things this way…

JOC: Oh, I do. I really REALLY do. Those mangy little posers ripped off our chance for a title shot that night.

JOD: We'll get another title shot. That's not the point. The West Coast Wild Boyz don't seem to quite understand the concept of losing with dignity. We beat them at that previous Lion's Den - there's no shame in that. We were the better team that night...

JOC: [Interrupts with a growl, his hands clenching and unclenching, his dark brown eyes smoldering with rage] We're the better team ANYWAY…

JOD: [Continuing like JOC never spoke]… and they should've looked at their defeat as one of Life's learning experiences. [Again JOD sighs, as look of sadness crosses over his fine, elegant features] But no, they had to make this personal. [He looks over at JOC, his eyes going from contemplative and sorrowful to hard and cold. Jack Of Spades has turned away from the cliff, and walks over to the tag team. He places his right hand of Jaq's shoulder.]

Jack Of Spades: [Sees the look in his friend's eyes.] So now you've got to make it personal. Very personal.

[Diamonds gives a curt nod, and Clubs begins to smile, as he nods his head, too. It's not a very nice smile; in fact it's more like an animal bearing its teeth than anything human.]

JOS: And so do I. [His left hand clenches into a fist, his whole being radiating white-hot rage.] That superhero-wannabe FREAK Gamma Ray's going to pay for what he tried to do to her. He already showed what kind of a man he was by wanting a match with her - he thought he'd be able to walk all over her, the sexist piece of trash. And then she proves that she's a better wrestler than that loser, so he… [Spades abruptly stops speaking, turns away from the others. He turns and stares out at the setting sun, blinking hard. When he speaks again, his voice is choked with fury.] Gamma Ray wants to keep whining about how he has no face? Fine - by the time this match is over that psycho is going to be LUCKY if the only thing he's without is his face.

[His eyes slide over to Jak of Hearts, who's been quiet through this whole scene. She is sitting on a marble bench that faces the sea, her back turned to the other Jacks. Her strawberry-blonde locks are being tossed about by the winds, but she herself is sitting totally still. The guys look at each other, their demeanors of all of them changing from rage at their opponents to concern over their friend. They walk over and sit around her: Spades on her right, and Clubs her left. Diamonds stands behind her, and gently starts to rub her neck.]

JOC: You doin' okay, Jackie?

Jak of Hearts: Sure, never better. [The camera pans around to her, and although most of them are gone, the faint magic marker tracks from Gamma Ray's deranged attack are still visible on her pretty face. She laughs softly.] I've always heard some people can't take a freaking joke, but old Girly Ray really outdid himself this time. [She looks down at the pile of papers in her lap; letters from KEW fans.] Between the fans' outpouring of well-wishes and you guys hovering around, a girl could start feeling like a helpless female or something.

JOC: You? Helpless? [He snorts with laughter. Spades reaches over and thwaps Clubs on the back of the head.] Ow!

JOD: You're a lot of things, love, but "helpless" wouldn't be one of them. You did win that match, never forget that.

JOS: But you also almost lost… [Spades reaches out and clasps her right hand.] Jackie, can you ever for-

JOH: If you ask me to forgive you one more time, Jack, you are so going over this cliff! I have nothing to forgive you for! You had no idea Girly Ray was gonna get that psycho - neither did I! Nobody did. I'm a big girl now, and I can handle things. Just make sure you kick his ass, okay?

JOS: [Smiles at his friends' refusal to let GR's depraved actions get to her.] You can count on it.

JOH: Besides, I have enough to think about with the next show; Akiruu Belathiel is one awesome competitor. I'm really looking forward to facing her.

JOD: Ah, yes, the lovely Elf Maiden. Should be a spectacular match. You're both very talented women.

JOC: Yeah, and you two can compare notes about how it feels dealing with creepy nutjobs, too!

[The other Jacks all stare at him]

JOC: What?

JOS: Well, it looks like no matter what happens, one things for sure; come next Lion's Den, win or lose, some people are going to learn that Four Jacks can make up one very dangerous hand.

[Camera pans back out over the ocean, and fades to black. Cut back to a rather uncomfortable looking Al.]

BAL: Ok. Now, we come to the Gamma Ray thing. After witnessing the stunt he tried to pull on the Jak of Hearts at last Lion's Den, and the look in his eyes as he was holding that scalpel... I'll be honest, I just didn't feel like heading out to interview him. I'm not too thrilled about talking to him, much less seeing him face to face. What he tried to do was just too awful!

[another pause]

BAL: But then, the team here thought it'd be a good idea to test out the phone equipment in the studio, and talk to him live on the phone. And, of course, let some of you fans call us and ask some questions yourselves. So, if you have questions for Gamma Ray, give us a call at the number at the bottom of the screen: '-55"-977-866", or '5-KEYSTONE.

[Now, BAL turns to a phone set on his desk and dials a number.]

BAL: Just calling Gamma Ray now, folks. It'll just be a moment... Oh, it's ringing. Let me activate the speaker phone.

[Audibly, now, the phone line rings.]

GR: [on speaker-phone] Gamma Ray Superheroic Services, how can I save you today?

BAL: Err... Gamma Ray?

GR: Yeah?

BAL: It's Al.

GR: Oh. Why are you calling on my cell, Lieberman? Minutes don't come cheap!

BAL: We talked about this earlier in the week. I was gonna call you about that call-in show, live from the War Cries studio?

GR: Yeah, that's why I'm here.

BAL: Um, what do you mean, here?

GR: You asked me to come to the studio for the show, so here I am.

[As BAL turns his head to the left, the camera pans right to reveal GR, standing next to our surprised host.]

GR: Let me just grab a chair and turn off my cell, and I'll be set.

BAL: But... no, see, we were supposed to call you. You weren't supposed to show up in person.

GR: You said we'd answer phone calls and stuff. How can we answer phone calls from the fans if the line's already taken by the call you'd be making to me!

BAL: Ever heard of conference calls?

GR: Whatever. So, are we taking calls or what?

BAL: Um, do we have a caller yet? Oh, we do? Seems we already have a lot of callers!

GR: Of course we do.

[BAL punches a button on the phone set]

BAL: This is Jennifer from Wisconsin, Jennifer are you there?

Jennifer: [on speaker-phone] Hello? Am I on?

GR: Of course you're on, you vacuous waste of space! Get on with it, Lieberman already said there's a bunch of callers waiting after you.

Jennifer: Hey! [bleep!] you, as[beep]le!

GR: Don't swear on live TV! Think of the children! Why doesn't anybody ever think of the children?

BAL: It's not so bad. We're not exactly live per say, there's a slight delay. That way we can bleep things out if we need to. What's your question, Jennifer?

Jennifer: Yeah, uh, Gamma Ray? Why do you want to disfigure Jak of Hearts?

GR: Good question. But the fact is, I don't really want to disfigure the slut.

BAL: But we all saw the look on your eyes! You marked up her face! You even had a scalpel!

GR: Wasn't really gonna do it.

BAL: Yes! You were! I've gotten to know you a lot better than I'd ever hoped for, and I'm sure you were really going to do it!

GR: Nah. See, I talked to one of my lawyer buddies, and he told me that actually going through with it was a bad idea. It's the type of thing you can press charges for, you know.

BAL: No kidding.

GR: He told me I'd be found not guilty, but that the legal proceedings could slow down my career some.

BAL: What do you mean, not guilty?

GR: Sure. Apparently, you just have to pretend to be insane, and you can get away with anything.

BAL: [muttering] And you don't have to pretend.

GR: What was that?

BAL: Brian's on the phone, now. Brian from Arkansas, what's your question?

Brian: [on speaker-phone] Hullo? Yeah. Aah. So why d'you wanna disfigure Jak of Hearts?

GR: I already answered that, moron.

Brian: Nah, ya didn't. Ya didn't say why.

GR: [sighs] Fine. I just wanted to scare the little trollop's mouth shut. She flaps her gums like a bird flaps its wings, and she obviously doesn't think first, if she can think at all. Hopefully, now, she's learned to keep that yapper zipped up tight, learned some respect... heck! Maybe now she can even learn to become a good person.

BAL: [sceptically] So you did it for her own good.

GR: Now you're getting it! That's what a hero does; good.

BAL: I still think you meant to permanently disfigure that lovely girl. You're just changing your story now because Jack of Spades thwarted your attack.

GR: Think what you want, Lieberman. The Gamma-Fans know the truth.

BAL: Tony, from New York, what's your question.

Tony: [on speaker-phone] Hey! I think Jak o' Hearts' a real pretty gal.

BAL: I agree.

Tony: So what I wants to know is... What's up wit tryinna shaver face off?

GR: [BLEEP!] What's wrong with you people! I already answered this! OK, I get it. Some people are upset about this...

BAL: [muttering] Namely the Four Jacks.

GR: ... but I'm willing to live with that. See, a superhero like me, I'm like America's daddy.

BAL: [coughs]

GR: I can be your best friend, sure. But when it's time for tough love and discipline, it's time for tough love and discipline. You don't like it when your daddy spanks you, I get it. But you can't dispute the fact that you're getting a spanking because you did something bad. And you also can't dispute the fact that this same spanking's gonna make you a better person. What I do, what a superhero does, is for the good of all, and the betterment of society, period.

BAL: [sighs]

GR: Now, if another moron asks another question about that two bit hooker and her two-faced face, I swear to God I'll-

BAL: Nancy from West Virginia, what's your question?

Nancy: [on speaker-phone] Hi Big Al!

BAL: Hi, Nancy.

Nancy: Like, I was totally in the crowd in Huntington, k? So, like, Gamma Ray, why did you try to -

[click! In one swift motion, GR slammed his hand on the phone set]

GR: Listen good, denizens. I don't want another call about THAT from you inbred [bleep!]s. Is that clear? Next one, Lieberman.

BAL: Uh, sure. Steve, from Boston, what's your question?

Steve: [on speaker-phone] Hi!

GR: Is your query about a certain whore's visage?

Steve: What? Uh, no.

GR: Good. Proceed.

Steve: Who do you think is gonna win the KEW World Heavy-

[Slam-Click!]

GR: Have the decency to ask questions about ME you clueless bastards! Next!

BAL: Right. Jonathan from Illinois, what's your question?

Jonathan: [on speaker-phone] Yo, hi. I just want to say that you're cool, Big Al.

BAL: Thanks.

Jonathan: Like, keep up the good work.

GR: Your question, loser.

Jonathan: And I also want to say something else. Gamma Ray, you're a pathetic [bleep] that [bleep]s [bleep!] and you can just -

[WHAM – click!]

BAL: Hey! Don't hit the phone so hard, Gamma Ray!

GR: NEXT!

BAL: Fine, Philip, from California, what's your question?

Philip: [on speaker-phone] Uuuh... h-hi?

BAL: Yes, don't be shy, just ask your question, Philip.

Philip: I, uh...

GR: Geez, just ask it. You sound like a frikkin' girl. Grow some balls, why don't you. What are you, ten?

Philip: Yes.

BAL: Oh, you ARE ten? Well, go ahead Philip, don't be afraid.

Philip: You suck, Gamma Ray!

[click!]

GR: Alright. Now might be wrong, but I'm getting the distinct impression that some misguided people don't like me too much. In their defence, they're idiots, and they were born that way. Still, it's a good time to point something out, here. As my Gamma-Fans will tell you, I'm a superhero. And as such, I'm the good guy.

BAL: [muttering] And I'm the President.

GR: In opposition to that, there's a gang-leader who dubs himself the Jack of Spades. What did I ever do to Jack of Spades? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What did that scumbag hoodlum do to me? He ripped off my protective mask and attacked me with a sledgehammer. A SLEDGEHAMMER!!

[GR starts to shake, his face reddens, and as he screams, spit is sprayed all over the desk.]

GR: HE'S THE VILLAIN, here, PEOPLE! He's a piece of [bleep]! That drug-dealing biker-gang pimp's probably trying to expand his 'hood or something. But the safer bet his this. In order to bring his organized crime ring to a higher level of ruthless immorality, he's got to get rid of your protector, America's savior, Gamma Ray.

BAL: [incredulous] Oh, really.

GR: Yeah! Villains with delusions of grandeur always succumb to that trap. Get rid of the superhero and the world is theirs, they think. Obviously, none of them ever took me out, and things ain't gonna change for Jack of Spades.

BAL: Right, how about another call? We've got... uh... a certain Gamma Girl on the phone?

Gamma Girl: [on speaker-phone] Yes, I'm here. Am I talking to Gamma Ray?

GR: Yes you are!

GG: This is AWESOME!

GR: I know!

BAL: So, let me get this straight. You're the fan that wrote to Gamma Ray. His sole source of fan mail? You're that person?

GG: There are thousands of Gamma Ray fans, I'm not the only one.

GR: See? I told you, Lieberman! I have millions of fans.

BAL: Gamma Ray's only fan, here on the phone with us. What are the odds?

GG: I jumped on the phone as soon as I heard we could call. And I'm not the only Gamma Ray fan, I can't be. He's too awesome.

BAL: Awesome isn't quite the word I'd use...

GG: Superb? Amazing? Fantastic? All that and a bag of chips?

GR: [smugly] I know. I'm the best.

BAL: I have to know. From a fan's perspective, what's your take on what Gamma Ray tried to do to Jak of Hearts?

GG: I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed in Gamma Ray.

GR: What!?

BAL: Right. Because even Phil Anderson was disgusted, and that's saying something!

GG: No, I'm disappointed that he couldn't permanently scar that b[bleep] in some way. It's a shame, really.

BAL: [sighs]

GG: And I'm pretty pissed that the Spades ruined everything, too. Although the blackout thing was really cool!

GR: Thank God for back-up plans, huh? So... what does a Gamma Ray fan do?

GG: Well, I have every single Gamma Ray match on tape and I watch them all the time. I have Gamma Ray shirts, his autographed photo, posters, I started a fan-club, I write some letters... Oh, and I also bought his mask on ebay.

GR: You have my mask? I thought it was lost forever!

BAL: His real mask?

GG: Yes. After Cold War Rising, someone from the crowd put the mask up for auction. I bought it. The skin glued inside it is starting to smell a little bit, but I don't mind.

BAL: Oh, gross.

GG: But really, Gamma Ray, you've got to start doing something about that Jack of Spades. He's assaulted you on numerous occasions, and I feel like you've done nothing to even the score.

GR: That's because the first part of my plan didn't involve the guy. I've successfully completed part one, which was scare the [bleep] out of the hussy. At Defiance, I move to phase two. There, Jack of Spades is gonna learn you don't mess with the Irradiated One, and he's gonna learn it the hard way! What I'm gonna do is embarrass him in the ring, kick his teeth in, break his leg with the Gamma Lock, choke him out with the Gamma Clutch, and snap his back with the Gamma Power before I beat him with a count of three. At Defiance, I'm going to humiliate him!

GG: You're being too kind to that swine.

GR: I know. I'm a big softie.

BAL: A softie? You?

GR: How about I annihilate him, then? Just for you!

GG: That'd be super!

BAL: Right, well thank you for calling Gamma Girl [BAL hangs up the phone] we've got to move on with-

GR: What did you just DO, Lieberman?

BAL: Moving on with the show.

GR: But she has my face! I was THIS close to recuperating my face!

BAL: Even if she has your mask, you're not allowed to wear it. What difference does it make?

GR: You stupid sack of lard! I can't wear it yet, but someday, I'll be allowed to wear it again. And when that day comes... I want my mask!

BAL: She said there's some skin rotting inside it. Get a new mask.

[GR grabs BAL by the collar and stares daggers at him.]

BAL: Uh... Maybe someone in the control room took her number...

GR: Good thinking! Maybe this day can be saved, after all!

[GR gets up from behind the War Cries desk, and hastily walks off screen]

BAL: Well, on with the rest of the show, now. [He pauses, as if to make sure the Irradiated One has left for good, then grins nervously.] Two other teams who've been practically at war with each other are the Ubergeeks and the Problem Solvers. Mr. Haliburton apparently took offense at the 'Geeks' good-natured ribbing of Phil Anderson. He took even more offense when Brade and Blake interfered with his "business dealings" with Ravi Kapoor! Commissioner White has decided that things have gone on for too long between these rival teams and it'll all be settled at Defiance. And talk about your blind stipulations...the stipulation of this match will be decided by the roll of a twenty-sided die right before the Pay-Per View!

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

THE UBERGEEKS

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[Camera opens on a loudly cheering crowd of wrestling fans somewhere out in the open. The sky is a bit overcast but there's no sign of rain to dampen the spirits of the happily excited crowd. The camera pans across a line of shouting, cheering faces, men, women and children whooping, yelling, holding up signs, etc. The camera switches to our own "BIG" AL LIEBERMAN standing on a small stage set up beside the same crowd. "BIG" AL has a smile on his round face, as he stands before the camera in his usual attire. In one hand, he holds a microphone near his lips, and in the other hand, he holds a small paper plate with a golden-brown funnel-cake sprinkled with powdered
sugar.]

BAL: Hello again, everybody, "Big" Al Lieberman, here and today I'm happy to be broadcasting from the annual Harvest Festival in Muncie, Indiana!

["BIG" AL pauses momentarily to let the crowd give out a hometown pop]

BAL: As you can see, the air is indeed festive today. I know I, for one, am having a good time. The local --I guess you could call them "Muncians"-- They've been a very friendly and hospitable bunch, and what faire is complete without one of my favorite treats, a good ol' fashioned funnel cake? All in all, you could say the folks here in Muncie really know how to celebrate an event. However, there is ONE event that I'm afraid Muncie WON'T be celebrating this year. As you no doubt recall, a short time ago our distinguished commissioner, Katie White, announced that, due to a shake-up in business affairs, the newly re-dubbed "Keystone Elite Wrestling" would be moving the location of its second Pay-Per-View "Defiance" from here in Muncie, Indiana to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

[The crowd boos at the mention of the pay-per-view move. One fan loudly shouts "Pittsburgh SUCKS!" causing "BIG" AL to point a finger]

BAL: Hey, I happen to LIKE the Steelers, buddy! Nonetheless, we at the KEW are not one's to let any of our fans go away empty-handed, so on behalf of Commissioner White, it's my pleasure to introduce to you, right here at the annual Harvest Festival, one of our most beloved of tag-teams--

[The crowd begins to rile up in cheers]

BAL: Who just happen to hail from right here in Muncie, Indidana. Here they are, folks, your hometown heroes --Brad and Blake --The ÜBERGEEKS!

[The crowd explodes into a hometown hero-sized pop as the opening refrains of "Fanboy" by "The Great" Luke Ski play over a set of loudspeakers. After a brief moment, BRAD and BLAKE burst through a curtain set up at the side of the stage. Both BRAD and BLAKE are every bit as excited as the fans. They whoop and holler, dance cross the stage, reach down to "give 5" to fans standing in front of the stage, etc. Both BRAD and BLAKE are dressed in their usual attire, BRAD wearing a "DIE ORC!" t-shirt
and BLAKE wearing a "Black Hands Gaming Society" t-shirt BLAKE is also carrying a pillowcase-sized bag with the word "SWAG" written upon it in black marker. After taking all the time needed for necessary celebration, BRAD and BLAKE make their way to stand on each side of "BIG" AL.]

BAL: Brad and Blake, obviously you're--

["BIG" AL is interrupted when a deafening chant of "Ü-BER-GEEKS! Ü-BER-GEEKS!" rises up from the crowd, causing BRAD to grab the mike right out of "BIG" AL's hand and address the crowd.]

BRAD: WHAT'S UP, MUNCIE?!

[The crowd explodes into a monster-size pop as a stage-hand gives a mike to both BLAKE and "BIG" AL so that the interview can continue. BLAKE is the first to speak as he joins his partner in addressing the crowd]

BLAKE: Man, I tell ya, Brad... It's GREAT to be HOME!

[The crowd gives out another cheer]

BRAD: You got that right, Blake. You know, Working for the KEW, it takes a guy a lot of places. We've seen a lot of sights, we've met a lot of people, and those places and those people, they've been great wherever we go. But when you get right down to it, Man, there's NO PLACE I'd rather be than right here in good ol' Muncie, Indiana!

[Crowd pop]

BLAKE: That's why you can bet your last copper, at "Defiance" on pay-per-view, Well, Our bodies may be in Pittsburgh, but our HEARTS are going to be in Muncie!

BRAD: And you know why? Because there's NO BETTER PLACE, To BE, A GEEK!

[The crowd gives yet another pop for their hometown heroes before "BIG" AL finally manages to wriggle his way between the duo.]

BAL: Well, now that you've managed to milk this crowd for all its worth, Brad and Blake, I'd like to take this opportunity to get your thoughts on your upcoming match at "Defiance", where you'll hopefully be settling this grudge, once and for all, with a team that you've had a back-and-forth with for quite some time, I'm talking of course about "The Problem Solvers".

[The crowd gives a roaring boo at the mention of "The Problem Solvers".]

BRAD: Well, now that "Big" Al has managed to kill the mood as only "Big" Al can,

[The crowd lets out a laugh as "BIG" AL stands there looking insulted]

BLAKE: You know, "Big" Al, It's like I just said, Come "Defiance", our hearts may be in Muncie, but our MINDS and our FOCUS, they're gonna be on the match, when we take on those two overgrown ASS-HATS,

BRAD: Man, I hope my mom isn't in the audience!

BLAKE: And the Million-Dollar MUNCHKIN, "The Problem Solvers" and Halliburton!

BAL: I'd also like to remind everyone watching that your match with "The Problem Solvers" will be what is as far as I know a FIRST in the history of professional wrestling, A "D20" match, where before the match actually begins, a KEW official will roll a 20-sided die to determine just what sort of match you'll have to compete in. Brad and Blake, surely you must be feeling some amount of trepidation at that fact.

BRAD: Trepi-, Trepi-, What YOU said, Let me fill you in on a little fact here, "Big" Al, Years upon years of gaming have taught me and Blake a couple of valuable lessons. Tell 'em, Blake.

BLAKE: (Holds up a finger) Number ONE is "Let the dice fall where they may",

[A small pop forms in the crowd at the mention of an old gamer adage]

BLAKE: (Hold up two fingers) And number TWO, "Be prepared for ANYTHING!"

BRAD: That's right. Bottom line, "Big" Al, me and Blake, it doesn't matter WHAT that die comes up, we're ready to take on those "Problem Children" in any type of match you care to name.

BAL: Well, that's very easy to say, but, Suppose it comes up a WEAPONS match?

BLAKE: "Big" Al, do you know what a "bat'leth" is?

[A small pop rises up from the crowd]

BAL: I have no idea what that means, and something deep inside tells me I don't WANT to know. Moving on, Suppose it's a BOILER ROOM BRAWL match?

BRAD: Y'know, "Big" Al, Me and Blake, we don't like to talk about it very often, but, A few years ago, we got involved in a bit of "live action" over at Ball State University-

[A sizeable pop erupts from the crowd, startling both BRAD and BLAKE]

BRAD: Hey, sounds like we got a few alumni, here!

BLAKE: GO CARDS!

[The pop increases in volume at BLAKE'S comment, and BRAD waits for it to die down before speaking]

BRAD: Anyway, as I was saying, Ball State's got a rather intricate system of STEAM TUNNELS underneath it's campus and, uh,

BLAKE: Lemme put it this way, the fact is, a DUNGEON is a DUNGEON, and me and Brad, we know our way around a dungeon!

BAL: Somehow I, Feel a little DISTURBED by that knowledge. If I can put forth one more possibility, and this is, INDEED, a very real possibility, Brad and Blake, What would you do if the die was rolled, And the result was an EVENING GOWN match?

[A hush falls over the crowd as BRAD and BLAKE, apparently caught off guard, stand flummoxed for a moment. They begin ponderously rubbing their chins, scratching their heads, and a couple of times, look like they're about to speak only to stop before saying anything, Finally BRAD motions BLAKE over to exchange a few words in private. BLAKE nods before speaking into the mike.]

BLAKE: Well, "Big" Al, The way we see it is THIS, If dressing up in women's clothing was good enough for the likes of BUGS BUNNY, MONTY PYTHON and the KIDS IN THE HALL,

[The crowd returns to cheering as both BRAD and BLAKE smile once again]

BLAKE: Then it's good enough for US!

BRAD: It's like we said, "Big" Al, me and Blake, we're ready for ANYTHING, we EXPECT the UNEXPECTED, and however the dice may roll, we just ROLL along WITH it!

BLAKE: Why? Because that's just how life IS when you're a GEEK!

BRAD: And that goes DOUBLY SO when you're an ÜBERGEEK! Why?

BLAKE: Because the ÜBERGEEKS are,

[The crowd yells along with both BRAD and BLAKE as they deliver their catchphrase in unison]

BRAD & BLAKE: The BEST, TAG-TEAM, EVER!!!

[The crowd lets out one last mega-pop as BLAKE reaches for his large "swag bag" and opens it up, revealing that it's full of Twinkies!]

BLAKE: Now WHO wants a TWINKIE?

["Fanboy" by "The great" Luke Ski blares over the loudspeakers again as BRAD and BLAKE happily begin tossing Twinkies from the bag out into the crowd, arms eagerly outstretched and cheering as the camera fades to black]

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

THE PROBLEM SOLVERS

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[The camera fades in to see KEW Commissioner Katie White sitting behind her mahogany desk. The usual accoutrements are there- notebooks, pencils, papers, a picture of Neil Peart, and a cup of tea. She beams as she faces the camera.]

KW: Because I said so, that’s why.

[The camera pans around to the other side of the desk- where sanding in front of Commissioner White is an exasperated Mr. Haliburton. Standing behind him, on each side, are the Problem Solvers. They look impassive as Mr. Haliburton shakes his head.]

Mr. H: But, Ms. White… I’ve never even HEARD of a… a… ‘Random d-2-0 Match’. How can you give my Problem Solvers a match that doesn’t exist?

KW: It’s called a ‘Random d20 Match’, Mister Haliburton. The rules are very simple. A little time before the match, a twenty-sided die will be rolled…

Mr. H: Dice only have six sides, Ms. White.

KW: Not this die. There is a chart with twenty different matches on them. Your Problem Solvers and the Ubergeeks will face off on one of those matches- but you won’t know which match until the die is rolled.

Mr. H: Twenty matches? Ms. White, my team prepares for their matches. But even my men can’t prepare for twenty different types of matches. And the Ubergeeks- well, those boys don’t even know what day it is- they don’t care. It’s an unfair advantage to a smarter team like my Problem Solvers.

KW: Well, Mister Haliburton, you’ll just have to out-think the Ubergeeks.

[Mister Haliburton grumbles]

Mr. H: Very well- can you at least show us the list of twenty matches?

KW: That I can do. [She pulls out a sheet of paper and shows it to Mister Haliburton, who puts on his half-glasses and begins reading over the sheet.]

Mr. H: Let’s see… Cage match, very good [The Problem Solvers nod at hearing that.] Strap match… always a good choice [More nods from Pete Davison and Dan Muldoon]. Ladder match… well, my boys don’t climb so well, but they can manage. [a slight grimace from Muldoon]… A scaffold match?

KW: There’s a fifteen foot scaffold over the ring…

Mr. H: I see… [More grimacing from the Problem Solvers]… not our choice, but seeing the Ubergeeks fall… a Ring of Fire Match? Ms. White, my boys are not arsonists. [Pete Davison shakes his head.] And…

[Mister Haliburton suddenly crumples up the paper and throws it on the desk.]

Mr. H: What the heck is an ‘Evening Gown’ match?

KW: Well, all four wrestlers wear…

Mr. H: No. [The Problem Solvers also shake their head, this time much more vigorously] I’m sure Brad and Blake might like dressing up like prissy sissy foo-foo girls in evening gowns, but my men do NOT wear dresses.

KW: Tough noogies. If that match is rolled, you’ll have to deal with it. Besides it’s only a one in twenty chance.

Mr. H: It’s a ZERO chance, Ms. White. My wrestlers refuse to wrestle in some abomination like that.

KW: If they don’t, then they are fired. And so are you, Mister Haliburton.

Mr. H: I… We…

[Mister Haliburton lowers his voice slightly]

Mr. H: If any of those other matches are rolled, Ms. White, my Problems Solvers will give those Ubergeeks the thrashing they deserve. And if this… ‘evening gown’ match is rolled, then my men and I will be fired. But only after we make sure that, if we can’t wrestle in KEW again… neither will they.

KW: Just for that… not only will the wrestlers wear evening gowns… but so will the managers. Or, in this case, manager.

[If looks could kill, KEW would be short one Commissioner. Finally, Haliburton spins around and walks out, the Problems Solvers walking behind him. Just before they close the door...]

KW: Hope your number doesn’t come up, Hally.

[SLAM! Commissioner White smiles and puts her feet on the desk as the camera fades out. Back in the studio, Al shudders.]

BAL: Honestly, I'd be very happy if we don't get an Evening Gown Match...for ALL our sakes! [Another shudder.] Fans, the match for the KEW Tag Team Championship should be killer! Legion has had a stranglehold on the belts ever since winning them at Cold War Rising. They've done everything in their power both legally AND illegally to keep from having to face a challenger straight up! But last Lion's Den things backfired for Brimstone and Nightdruid when they tried to interfere with the Firewalkers/Taylor Twins match for the Number One Contendership! Commissioner White decreed that Legion would face both the Firewalkers AND the Taylor Twins in a Triangle Tag Team Match. Not only that, she ruled that Legion didn't have to be pinned in order to lose the belts! Tensions are high between all three teams and it's anyone guess as to who will come out on top!

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

THE TAYLOR TWINS

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[Fade in: The Taylor Twins stand before a KEW backdrop. Jimmy is wearing one of the new KEW T-shirts (it's Keystone Elite Wrestling now and don't you forget it!) (and no, that's not what the T-shirt says, I'm just giving you a friendly remind) and also wears blue jeans and a baseball cap on backwards. Jack is dressed in a navy blue polo shirt and khakis.]

Jimmy: Let's summarize the events that have been going down here in Keystone Elite in the tag team division...

[Summarize? Since when did Jimmy do that?]

Jimmy: We have Legion who has been telling every tag team in KEW that the only way you can secure a title shot from them is if you can beat either member in a
one-on-one match... and every single time that has happened, it's never been a one-on-one match, it's always been a two-on-one situation, as neither Brimstone nor Night Druid can stay away from the ring and keep their nose out of things! We've been recipients of that treatment, the Firewalkers have been recipients of that treatment, and so when it comes time to decide which of the teams are going to have the right to challenge Legion at Defiance, what's the next thing that happens.

[Well, it's summarized in Jimmy's eyes, I suppose.]

Jimmy: Legion comes down to the ring and does everything they can to disrupt the match... now, I've got nothing against the Firewalkers, but I was feeling quite confident that Jack and myself were on our way to victory! But thank goodness for President White coming out to resolve everything and make sure there was going to be a tag team title defense at Defiance... it's just too bad it's not going to be Jack and myself straight up against Legion, but we'll certainly take what we can get?

Right, Jack?

[Jack slowly nods his head.]

Jack: Yeah... no problem... um... at all.

[Jimmy nods and goes back to what he does best... talk a mile a minute.]

Jimmy: Now, Firewalkers, understand my brother and I don't have anything against you... we know the trouble Legion has caused for you the past few months and we
sympathize with you... but needless to say, Jack and I have been waiting for our opportunity to prove who is truly the best tag team here in KEW, and it just so happened that you are in the way of that! Nothing personal whatsoever... never is, never will be... but we aren't going to allow the issues you have to settle with Legion to stop us from taking the KEW tag team titles!

And as far as Legion goes, I take nothing away from your abilities, but I sure don't think... no, check that, I sure do _know_ ... that you don't have what it takes to stop us from taking those tag team titles from you! Regardless of whether you have the Firewalkers in the ring with us or not, Jack and I believe we are the best here in KEW, and all we need to do is prove it, and in order to do that, we need to show the world we can beat you for the tag team titles!

You know what I'm talking about, Jack?

[Jack against just nods his head.]

Jack: Yeah... I... do... um... right.

[Jimmy picks up right where he left off.]

Jimmy: So at Defiance, what I can promise all the great fans of Keystone Elite is that you are going to see the finest in tag team wrestling battle it out for the biggest prize in the tag team ranks, and there is going to be one team that walks out with the championship... that's Jack and myself! Legion has nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape, and the Firewalkers... again, nothing personal, guys, but we are on a mission to become the tag team champions and nothing, nobody, not a single person, is going to stand in our way!

Be seeing you both at Defiance and be ready... because Jack and I have two goals in mind... to teach Legion a few lessons about what tag team wrestling is really all about... and to take those tag team titles home with us!

Right, Jack?

[Jack again just nods.]

Jack: Yeah... you... um... said it.

[Jimmy then just nods. I guess he really is done talking, folks.

Fade out.]

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

THE FIREWALKERS

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[Camera opens, showing "Big" Al Lieberman standing in a corner of a gym. He seems satisfied with himself. He turns to face the camera.]

BAL: Greetings, KEW fans! Your man of the interviews is back and waiting the arrival of the Firewalkers to get their thoughts on the KEW Tag Title Triple Threat match at Defiance.

[5 minutes passes. Al checks his watch a dozen times.]

BAL: Where are they? I came late so they'd already be working out and they still haven't shown up.

[A phone rings in the gym office. A man exits the office, heading straight for Al.]

Man: You Al Lieberman?

BAL: Uh, yes. Why do you want to know?

[The man hands Al a letter, saying it's from Dam and JRollins. Al thanks him and starts reading the letter. Soon his face betrays nervousness, then a slight worry. Finally he turns to face the camera again.]

BAL: Fans, I, uh, I have some news concerning the Firewalkers. They are not here and will not be here. The letter says there has been some medical situation and they have are trying to figure it out. Therefore the FWs are seeing a number of doctors, to find out what is actually wrong. In the letter they say that so far all that is certain, is that their problems don't seem to be anything that would prevent them from participating in the match at Defiance. But understandably, they want to make absolutely sure they are not risking themselves, other wrestlers or the fans.

[Al looks around the quiet gym.]

BAL: What has befallen?

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

LEGION

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[Our scene is obviously in the lockerroom at an arena. The room is cleared except for two lockers with two names. One "Brimstone" , the other "Night Druid". The only other thing in the room is a sweaty and seemingly nervous "Big" Al Leiberman]

Big' Al: [into his headset] They're on their way back? Okay....Okay...You sure she wanted me to be here. I mean that nutjob almost tore my arm off last time....Yes...yes...That is why I make...What the camera's on? Oh [bleep]

[finally to the camera]

Big Al: "BIG" Al Leiberman here folks. Katie White has just popped Legion's pathetic bubble of overconfidence. They thought they were getting a free ride at Defiance, instead she's piled on 4 more passengers. She....

[The locker room door slams open hard, and Al jumps halfway to the roof]

BA: EEP!

[Brimstone storms in not noticing Al or the camera]

Brimstone: WHAT THE [BLEEP]?!? WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? COME ON MAN!

[Al looks like he's about to pipe in but decides to keep quiet behind the rolling hamper. Night Druid strolls in casually, his eyes shifting back and forth, he might notice the camera but pays little attention to it if he does. He seems to have more on his mind than it at the moment]

ND: Settle down, Brimstone. All is not lost. Indeed, it's better this way.

[Brimstone looks genuinely confused]

Brim: Better?

ND (smiling): Yes, better. You know JRollins better than anyone, how...explosive he is. He's got the worse temper I have ever encountered. With everything on the line, do you *honestly* think he'll let the Twins get in his way to glory?

Brim: Hell no, he won't. He and Dam will take the Twins out to get to us...heck, the titles, in a heartbeat. And he's got Dam so wrapped around his finger that if JRollins were to jump into the fires of Hell itself, Dam would follow like the obediant dog.

ND: Exactly. Oh, they may act all buddy-buddy before the match, maybe even work together for a few minutes. We must be cautious in the early moments of the match. But the moment the Twins turn their back, the Firewalkers will stab them in the back. You were there, you saw the replay. Those "friendly fire" hits to the Twins by the Firewalkers were no accident. They delibrately attacked the Twins while their backs were turned, weaken the competition, all the while smiling and pretending to be friends. The Firewalkers put on a good act for the sake of the fans, but we both know how ruthless and two-faced they really are. And the Twins are dumb enough to believe their
act...at least until the steel chairs hit their backs, thanks to their "allies".

[The reality of what Nightdruid seems to be sinking into Brimstone, and a wide smile crosses his face.]

Brim: Then all we have to do is sit back and watch them tear each other apart and pick the bones when they're done!!

ND: Yes. We simply wait for the most opportune moment, then we make our move.

Brim: As always. But what's with Ms. White? First she gives the Jacks, who between the four of them have racked up, what, maybe two victories, a title shot, then the Firewalkers again? We've beaten them from here to Sunday! I'm starting to think she's got a "thing" for prettyboys.

ND: I thought of that, too. But I wonder if that's truly the case...or does she secretly despise them?

Brim: Despise them?

ND: Certainly. She knows who we are, what we've done in the past, what we do to our opponents. It was mere luck that Diamonds was taken out by the Boyz. If he had stepped in the ring with us, poor Gamma Ray wouldn't be the only one without a face. As it was, he left on a stretcher.

[Brimstone rubs his hands with anticipation]

Brim: Good point, there. Diamonds should count his blessings he can still walk. I do so love it when I make the prettyboy not so pretty no more...

ND: As do I. Listen, why don't you get your shower and come back. We can work on our stategy for the Triple Threat when you get back.

[Brimstone shrugs and turns to his locker, (due to the blessings of pixels the audience is not treated to the sight of Brim's Posterior as he removes his shorts then [shudder] tights that were under them. Brim tosses the shorts which hit the hamper Al's hiding behind unerringly. Al ducks down further as the hamper nudges towards him. He cringes even further as the tights hit the hampers. As Al breathes a sigh of relief, a slight snap is heard. Big Al stares in horror at the camera and mouths the word "Jock Strap". The camera "nods" slowly up and down.]

Brim[off camera]: Sure thing ND. Maybe we can figure a way to put the Firewalkers out of their misery, permanently.

[ A slight woosh is heard and a jock strap lands soundly on "Big" Al's head, the "cup holder" resting soundly on his nose. "Big" Al begins to shake soundlessly. Sounds of a shower can be heard in the background as all begins to silently heave.]

ND: [chuckling] You can come out now, Al. If you're not an enraged Samoan, you're really easy to spot.

[Big Al leaps up and throws the jock off his face, wretching loudly, trying to make it to the door. Only to be stopped by ND]

ND: Before you rush off to tell the Twins and the Firewalkers all about our "plans" you gleaned from your pitiful attempt at spying, please do tell the Twins this: you may not like us, but at least we're honest about who we are. You know not to turn your backs on us. Can you say the same for your "buddies" the Firewalkers? And to both teams, you can tell them that, while they think we've been sitting down, doing nothing while resting up, nothing could be further from the truth. We've been training, training harder than ever. You might not notice, Brim's dropped weight, he's more in shape than ever before Al. I'm gaining weight, putting on muscle. You smell that EXTRA smell? That's the smell of victory!

[ND finally moves out of the way and let's Al out of the room, Al stumbles off down the corridor to the right. ND turns to the cameraman.]

ND: Come DEFIANCE, Walkers, Twins, you will receive another lesson in why Legion are the Champions. If you think numbers will be an advantage, you are sorely mistaken. For in Triple Threat, there will be no allies, only enemies. I can assure you, before the night is done, friendships will be broken, and hatred will reign supreme. And where hatred rules, so does Legion. I can assure you all...WE WILL WIN.

[The camera goes back to the studio]

BAL: As you can see, Legion is as confident as ever...[sputter] I have never in all my life...[his eyes tear up] EVER smelt anything like that before...I've washed in tomato juice...lemon juice....It just won't go away...

["Big" Al cries as he wretches and ducks behind the desk, the sounds of vomitting can be heard. Finally, our trusty reporter comes back up for air, more composed now.]

BAL: As you saw, I wasn't able to get any word from the Firewalkers. Also currently missing in action is Rook. The luchador is supposed to face "Mr. Bollywood" Ravi Kapoor for the KEW World Heavyweight title, but there's been nothing from him ever since that brutal assault he took at the hands of Kapoor and the Problem Solvers. Ravi Kapoor, unfortunately, there's been plenty of word from...

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

RAVI KAPOOR

*W*A*R*C*R*I*E*S*

[A quick establishing shot, taken from a bit too far out to make out any particulars, shows us a large and modern-looking hospital complex, set in a lush garden environment. This shot stays on the screen for only a few seconds, just long enough to establish what our setting is for this segment. There is then a quick cut to a small office, presumably in the hospital. We can hear some hustle and bustle in the background, a muffled voice over an intercom, footsteps, that sort of thing.

The office has white walls, lined with diplomas, diagrams of various organs, a couple of news clippings, and a large photo of a smiling man, standing on a beach with one arm draped over an attractive blonde woman, and two small children standing in front of him. As we look down, we see that same man, wearing a white lab coat and a stethoscope, standing in front of a desk. He holds a clipboard in one hand, and has a somewhat weary _expression.

Standing across from him, looking very sharp in a light brown shirt with the top button undone, a black sports jacket, and a pair of black dress slacks is the man who considers himself the “De Facto” World Heavyweight Champion of our fine promotion. “Mister Bollywood”, Ravi Kapoor, has a look of faux concern on his face as he speaks to the doctor.]

RK: Give it to me straight, Doc. How bad is Rook hurt?

D: Well, Mister Kapoor. It’s a very strange case. A very strange case indeed. Rook came to us complaining of a concussion, but we couldn’t find any evidence of one.

[Kapoor rubs his chin thoughtfully.]

D: We did, however, notice several other unusual symptoms, which so far as I can tell are unrelated. I must say, I’m baffled on this one.

RK: Would you mind describing the symptoms to me? I am a bit of an amateur medical buff, you know. Growing up, I had a lot of experience playing doctor, performing quite extensive checkups on all the young ladies in my neighbourhood.

[The doctor smiles gratefully at Kapoor.]

D: Yes, of course, any insight you could shed would be most useful. Two heads are better than one!

[The doctor clears his throat quickly, and goes on.]

D: Well, the first thing we noticed was an unusual coloration on Rook’s back.

RK: Unusual? How so?

D: Well, when he took off his shirt to put on the hospital gown, we noticed a very large yellow streak, running all the way down his back.

[Kapoor affects a look of deep concentration for a moment, as if taking in this information.]

RK: I see. Very interesting… please continue, Doctor.

D: At that point, the patient began to complain of back pains. He also indicated that he may be suffering from internal bleeding. Doctor Mills, the resident who was on duty that night, decided to order a full set of X-rays to be on the safe side. The results are quite interesting, as you can see for yourself…

[At this, the doctor hands his clipboard to Ravi, pointing to a particular section of the X-rays he is presumably handing over. Kapoor furrows his brow, deeply studying the images before him.]

D: As you can see, there is not only an abnormality with Rook’s backbone, but he also has no internal organs whatsoever!

RK: So, what you’re saying Doctor, is that Rook is spineless and that he lacks guts?

D: Precisely!

[The doctor smiles in excitement, as Ravi is clearly following his explanation. However, the smile soon evaporates.]

D: There was one, even more unfortunate symptom we came across. Having to do with Rook’s reproductive organs.

RK: Wait, let me guess. You found that Rook has no balls?

[The doctor winces slightly.]

D: It’s unfortunate, but yes, that is correct. But what I don’t understand is how all these diverse conditions link together. The man has a yellow streak running down his back, he’s spineless, he has no guts, and he has no balls. But what does it all mean?

[A clearly perturbed doctor scratches his head violently, completely unable to put together a diagnosis.]

RK: Just one more question, Doctor. What happened when you mentioned my name to Rook?

D: It was the darndest thing! As soon as your name came up, the patient spontaneously urinated all over himself, and then took to cowering under his bed for hours!

[Kapoor murmurs to himself, and then speaks to the doctor again, a confident tone in his voice.]

RK: Just as I thought. There’s only one possible diagnosis, here, and it’s a tricky one so I don’t fault you for missing it. The problem is not physical, it’s psychological. Rook knows that if he steps into the ring with me at Defiance, I’ll beat him so bad he will never be the same again. His very justified fear of me is causing all the other symptoms, and he is making up this fake concussion story as a way to try and get out of the match. There’s only one course of treatment that offers any hope, Doctor.

You’ll have to present Rook with a release from his KEW contract, so that he can avoid fighting me. That’s what he wants, and that’s what he needs. Since he so obviously lacks the courage and the manhood to face me, this is the only option. Then he can return to his normal quality of life, for whatever that’s worth.

[The doctor fairly beams at hearing this diagnosis, and he enthusiastically grabs Ravi’s free hand with both of us, pumping it in a vigorous handshake.]

D: Oh, thank you, Mister Kapoor, thank you! Of course that’s the answer, it’s obvious now! What can I ever do to repay you?!!?

[Kapoor smiles widely, and looks to the camera instead of at the doctor as he replies.]

RK: Oh, no worries. That World Title around my waist will be more than thanks enough.

[We go to an extreme close-up on Ravi’s smiling, arrogant face, before we cut back to the studio and Big Al. Al shakes his head, a serious expression on his face.]

BAL: I highly doubt Kapoor's "expert" is speaking the truth. Nevertheless, it certainly puts the Heavyweight title scene in jeopardy for Defiance if Rook is unable to be medically cleared in time. Hopefully, we'll have more news as it arrives. For Keystone Elite Wrestling, I'm "Big" Al Lieberman...see you all at Defiance!

[Fade to black.]

KEYSTONE ELITE WRESTLING 2006