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Posted: May 9 2012, 09:41 PM
Member No.: 199
Joined: 25-May 06
[Fade to a stunning, blinding white.]
BEHOLD THE COMING!
[Yes, we are beholding. And the camera starts to pull back.]
THE HERALDS OF BASTARDISM ARE UPON US!
[That blinding white is really light. It’s really the extreme glare off the bald head of this strange fellow we were introduced to in El Paso.]
THEY ARE HERE! THEY WALK AMONG US!
[The camera pulls back more and we see that one arm is straight in front of him, fingers splayed out and his other arm has a coat draped upon it. He stands at the end of a hall and many people stand there, looking at him, wondering just what he is going on about.]
[His screaming ends but his speech does not. His final word is low and calm.]
[The camera pulls back more and we see Tara “Sunbrust” Marshall, General Manager of MBC - Alamo City among the gathered group of bodies and dressed in sweats, fresh off an afternoon workout. She looks at the funny bald man and shakes her head.]
TSM: And here I thought things wouldn’t be so weird.
[Tara turns to another woman, this one wearing a headset and MBC:AC T-shirt.]
TSM: I take it Slush and Pinhead have arrived?
Production Woman: Yes, ma’am. Pinhead has already gone ringside.
TSM: What about Slush?
PW: Sorry ma’am. We don’t know where he is.
TSM: Just follow the stench and I’m sure you’ll find him. Now, if anybody needs me, tell them I’ll be at my usual spot in about thirty. I’m going to take a quick shower.
PW: Yes ma’am.
[And Tara peels off, walking towards her own private dressing room. it doesn’t take long to get there as it’s right down the hall from where they were. She slips into her dressing room, pulling off her sweatshirt. However, something is amiss.
The shower in her dressing room is already running.
A coy smile slides across Tara’s lips.]
TSM: Tom? Is that you? I wasn’t expecting you to be here for another hour.
[Getting no answer, Tara formulates a plan to surprise her husband. She kicks off her shoes and makes her way into the shower area. She is met with a massive cloud of steam and the sound of humming.]
TSM: Oh TooooOOOOOoooooooommm... OH MY GOD! WHAT THE [MEEP]?!?
[Instead of her husband Tom Landis, it is someone else who is standing in her shower, buck naked and naughty bits pixelated by the good folks in production. Censorship does have its place and time. And right now, that place in time is just in time to censor the junk of this certain individual.
Slush: I swear, they can put temporary tattoos _anywhere_!
[Tara’s mouth drops to the floor.]
Slush: Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me scrub my taint?[And with the wonderful image now permanently burned into your retina and soul, we fade to the show opening logo...]
THE MIGHTY BASTARD CHAMPIONSHIP
THE UNNAMED BASTARD SHOW
EPISODE THREE: REMEMBER THE ALAM... OOH! SHINY!
or TARA MARSHALL’S TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD DAY
[The logo fades and we are taken straight away to the interior of Harrison-Skoehl Arena in San Antonio, TX. It is named in honor of, you guessed it, the MBC’s very own legendary Skullhead. But it goes by a different name, a name most common in circles with taste and class...
The Skull itself is a renovated warehouse. And we’re going to steal the description straight out of a MBC-Alamo city recap show. Why? Because we can! Twin catwalks run along the north and south walls to overlook the floor area, and the entrance stage sits on the east wall. The west wall features the main entrance for fans, as well as a crow's nest area up above the doors with stairs to the left side. The catwalks are about a foot higher than the top of the crow's nest, with roughly four to five feet separating the levels. The ringside area is edged with simple metal guardrails, the rails also framing the aisle way right to the back of the east wall.]
Pinhead: I wish to God I could say I don’t know that man.
[The entrance stage itself features an angular set of curtains to the left side, with a pair of large plasma screen televisions anchored up next to the entrance. Four steps lead down to the aisle way, and a ring with black posts and alternating silver and black ropes sat in the middle of the floor.]
Pinhead: I’d gladly travel back in time. People understand this right?
[At ringside is the commentary table, draped in MBC-Alamo City regalia. There are three chairs, two of which are presently occupied. One is occupied by Alamo City’s resident commentator and local legend in his own right, Keith Marshall. Keith is in his mid-twenties, with sandy colored hair and is dressed in a blue and gold polo shirt and khakis.]
KM: I’m pretty sure Slush stands on his own. We’re all afterthoughts when it comes to that guy.
Pinhead: Thanks... I guess?
[Next to Marshall and sitting in the center chair is Pinhead, head lowered and fingers rubbing his temples. You’d swear his hair is thinning from the stress of traveling with Slush.]
KM: We’re all stuck in his wake. You realize this yes?
Pinhead: I do, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
[And the chair next to Pinhead remains empty, for how long, we do not know. Marshall and Pinhead likely hope that it won’t be filled by you-know-who anytime soon.]
KM: Regardless, we here at MBC-Alamo City are glad to have you with us Pinhead. And we’re so glad that The Unnamed Bastard Show has come to San Antonio.
Pinhead: We’re still going with “Unnamed Bastard Show”?
KM: I’ve seen the T-shirts.
Pinhead: I take it this has gone viral.
KM: Some people find it... “ironic.”
Pinhead: [Sarcastically] Yay, hipsters.
KM: Ever since ACW repackaged itself as MBC-Alamo City, we’ve had a surge in popularity. So we’re real happy to have the UBS with us right now so we can show off our momentum to the other territories.
Pinhead: So there are genuine rivalries between the rivalries?
KM: Friendly and otherwise.
Pinhead: Huh, didn’t know it was a “thing.”
KM: Oh there are “things” all right.
Pinhead: Well, before He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named comes out here to halt any momentum this show has, how about you run down tonight’s card for us?
KM: With pleasure. Opening up tonight’s show will be two of the more mysterious women in the Alamo City. Twilight faces Mistress Nightshade.
Pinhead: Is there a large goth population in San Antonio?
KM: I’ve seen stranger things.
Pinhead: Whatever you’ve seen, I’m sure I can top.
KM: In tag team action the MBC Psycho Driver Tag Team titles will be up for grabs as the New Throbbing Mattress Kittens defend them against Kyra Braddock and Jayde Griffen, together known as Estrogen.
Pinhead: Now correct me if I’m wrong but the Psycho Driver belts are named after the team your dad was a part of?
KM: Yeah... I’d rather not talk about Papa Marshall, if that’s all right by you.
Pinhead: Yeah, sure.
KM: In a second tag title match, the Bastard Stampede Tag Team titles will be on the line as the Sons of Skullhead will face Illinois favorite the Second City Roughnecks. Say, is Skullhead still in retirement?
Pinhead: Last I heard he was traveling the world with Becky and their youngest son.
KM: And all the rest of their children are here in Alamo City.
Pinhead: You can throw a stick and hit a Skullhead around here.
KM: And I thought my dad was bad.
Pinhead: Come again?
KM: And in the main event, we will have a rare ten man Royal Rumble. The winner of which will represent Alamo City in the Bastadship of the Ring Tournament to be held in Dallas. Any more news on that to come tonight?
Pinhead: Not that I’ve found. But I’m still working my way through the book.
KM: Is it really that long of a read?
Pinhead: It’s more a matter of interpreting things. Most of it is written by a man hyped up on Dr. Pepper and Blue Bell Ice Cream. Sugar buzzes make things a bitch to read. Oh and speaking of bitches...
[Marching down the aisle, wearing a stolen hotel robe and towel wrapped around his head as if he had long hair to dry is Slush. He’s mumbling to himself, his face sour.]
Slush: ...just a simple request...
[Slush plops down in the empty commentary chair and replaces his head towel with the headset.]
Slush: I just wanted a clean taint. Is that so wrong?
Pinhead: Could be in this state. I don’t know.
[Slush spots Keith on the other side of Pinhead, and clearly doesn’t know who he is. However, Slush’s look would suggest that Slush can see a family resemblance.]
Slush: Who the [MEEP] is that? Does Simon O’Neal have a retard brother? Oh sorry. That’s not politically correct of me. Is Simon O’Neal related to Rain Man?
KM: Keith Marshall. I’m...
Slush: A Marshall. That’s all I need to know.
[Slush slumps back in his chair and pouts.]
KM: What’s that about?
Pinhead: Sadly, you’ll find out at some point. I can see the rant building.
[The scene fades into a dark room. Seated in the middle of the room, in front of a small table covered in a black cloth, is the masked Mistress Nightshade. She is covered in a red cloak, as smoke rises from the floor and ominous organ music plays softly in the background. Beneath her Mardi Gras-style mask, she smiles a sinister grin.]
MN: Hello, prey of the world! It is I, the almighty and powerful...MISTRESS NIGHTSHADE!
[THUNDER! LIGHTNING! THE SCREAMS OF THE DAMNED!]
MN: I know all and see all...and I have come to tell everyone that I have seen a GRAVE misfortune befalling Twilight!
[She yanks the black cloth off the table, revealing a crystal ball. More smoke rises from the floor and the ominous organ music begins to play more...ominously, as The Mistress waves her hands around the ball in a "spooky" and "mysterious" manner as she "reads" the future.]
MN: Ah yes! What terrible and horrible visions I see...just the way I like it! I see the most unfortunate of tragedies awaiting you, Bella Swan Mask, and I guarantee you don't stand a GHOST of a chance! You see, you have a dark and bleak future ahead of you, Twlight...
[The Mistress throws her head back and laughs maniacally.]
MN: FOR YOU MUST FACE ME, MISTRESS NIGHTSHADE!
[THUNDER! LIGHTNING! THE SCREAMS OF THE DAMNED!]
MN: Twilight! In the thousand years that I have walked on this world, all have fallen before the supernatural might of Mistress Nightshade! You simply don't have the SPIRIT to stand against me! I will steal the breath from your body and feast on your meager soul! BWAHAHAHA-
*COUGH!* *HACK!* *COUGH!*
[The smoke is getting pretty thick now. Nightshade coughs and takes out an electric mini-fan, blowing it away.]
MN: Like I was saying...
[THUNDER! LIGHTNING! THE SCREAMS OF THE DAMNED! ...Fade out.]
KM: That was.... mysterious.
Pinhead: Do you know anything about her?
KM: Can’t say that I do. And there isn’t much I can say at this point about her opponent Twilight. We’re all going to be in for something pretty new here in this match.
Slush: If it means somebody is going to get staked, I’m all for it.
[It doesn’t matter where a MBC crowd is, or if there is any particular affiliation they have. Above all else, a MBC crowd is full of bastards. And to be a bastard is to needle people for the stupidest of things. Let’s take Twilight for instance. She made her entrance and as she walked down the aisle, fans painted pale and with glitter yelled at her. Some bore “Team Jacob” T-shirts while others wore the opposite “Team Edward.” How these people did not get beat up while in the arena, this narrator cannot say.]
Pinhead: I’ll be the first to say it. Some fans are just [MEEP]holes.
Slush: Is it wrong to be on “Team Three Way”?
Pinhead: Good for Twilight though. She’s ignoring them and moving to the ring. Being able to let things like that slide off your back is a good sign for her career.
Slush: Is it wrong to want to see a human, a vampire and a werewolf make some sweet, sweet gothic love?
[With Twilight waiting for her opponent, the referee gave her some instruction about the rules. Not that she needed them but the referee was extra particular when it came to the details. Then it just kind of got awkward, almost creepy. Twilight backed away from the referee hoping that Mistress Nightshade would stop taking so long. And then the lights went out. The theme from The Phantom of the Opera began to play. Its haunting organ blasted throughout the arena and when the lights came back on, that boom heralded the entrance of the Mistress. Nightshade stood in the middle of the ring, her eyes locked on Twilight. She went right to work, attacking before the bell was even rang.]
Slush: Is it just me or does that referee have a bad porn mustache?
Pinhead: Aren’t all mustaches bad?
Slush: There’s one mustache style I like but it comes with too much baggage. Thanks a lot Adolf!
[With Nightshade getting the benefit of surprise, she dominated Twilight early on. Twilight put on a decent defense but Nightshade’s offense was quick, varied and thorough. Fans didn’t take Nightshade seriously at first but in watching how she came after Twilight, they knew the Mistress was a force to be dealt with. Twilight eventually did find a hole but rather that turn the tide, she backed away and regrouped. As dominate as Nightshade was, it was likely the best move. An ill prepared attack couldn’t’ sustain itself for long. Twilight circled up and the two collided center ring. The mysterious Mistress of mystery began to twist her opponent like a pretzel, bullying her into submission. Try as Twilight may, she could not untwist and fell victim to Nightshade’s Tool of Discipline. Having no recourse, Twilight gave up the fight.]
WINNER BY SUBMISSION: Mistress Nightshade
Pinhead: She’s really got that hold in. And even with the match over, she won’t let it go.
Slush: Maybe she has a pretzel obsession.
[Slush’s eyes thin as he gazes at the Mistress Nightshade.]
Slush: Mmmmm... salty.... mmmmm.... sexy.
KM: I’m still taken aback here. Her whole persona is... for the lack of a better term goofy. But she is an incredibly polished wrestler. Just who is that under the mask?
Slush: Sexy, salty hotness. That’s what!
Pinhead: Referee finally frees Twilight from the hold and Nightshade is making her way to the back.
KM: I think her point is proven.
Slush: According to All-Star Batman, “it’s better with the masks on.”
Pinhead: And that is a reference that absolutely nobody will get.
Slush: Except the [MEEP]damn Batman!
KM: Is it always like this?
Pinhead: I have a feeling I’m going to be asked that a lot.
[Motorhead’s “I Don’t Believe a Word” begins to play over the arena sound system but the music is quickly drowned out with cheers. Coming through the entrance is not one, not two, not three, but four individuals that carry the name that also designates this venue.
The Skullhead Clan come down the aisle in full force.
Leading the charge is Angela “Skullbuster” Harrison, eyes locked on the ring. Behind her and slapping the hands of all her fans is Alamo City Women’s Champion Rachael “Arcee” Carlisle. Behind them both, standing as twin towers of mass destruction and wearing the Bastard Stampede Tag Team Championship titles are Darklin and Krow, the Sons of Skullhead.]
Slush: Oh dear god, Skullhead’s whole brood is out here!
Pinhead: That’s not all of them.
Slush: HE HAS MORE?
Pinhead: Yes, and you’ve met them. They all despise you much like your own son. But yes, you’ve met them.
Slush: Is Skullhead part rabbit?
[Slush snaps his fingers.]
Slush: I’ve got it! I know why Skullhead retired!
KM: Dare we ask?
Slush: He’s going to make Becky the next Octo-mom! Soon he’ll have a.... OUCH!
[Slush grabs his arm, as if stabbed by something.]
Pinhead: What is it?
Slush: Becky.... the Voodoo Queen.... she watches!
[With the four Skullheads in the ring and the crowd quieted down enough for them to speak, Angela Harrison takes the house microphone and addresses the audience.]
AH: First and foremost, on behalf of myself, my brothers and my sister we would like to thank Alamo City for naming this fine arena after our father.
[The crowd immediately launches into chants of that father’s very name.]
Crowd: SKULL-HEAD~! SKULL-HEAD~! SKULL-HEAD~!
SKULL-HEAD~! SKULL-HEAD~! SKULL-HEAD~!
SKULL-HEAD~! SKULL-HEAD~! SKULL-HEAD~!
Slush: They call this place “The Skull” right?
Slush: Sounds like chewing tobacco you buy at the Army-Navy store.
AH: That being said, we all want to make sure that it’s known that none of us expect anything to be handed to us. Rachael worked her ass off to win the Alamo City Women’s Championship. My brothers worked their asses off to win those Bastard Stampede Tag Team titles. Anything less than a powerful work ethic won’t cut it in our family. However, we need to talk to a certain someone about a book.
[Angela then turns towards Pinhead.]
AH: Pinhead, do you mind joining us?
Slush: Oh dude! Someone is in trouble.
Pinhead: I doubt it. They’re all good kids. I’ve babysit them before.
Slush: And I’m sure they’ve all peed on you. It’s just like I said last show, once they spray you with one bodily fluid or the other, they own you.
[Slush pauses to think about it.]
Slush: Except in porn. But that’s like... bizarro fluid land. The rules are different.
[Pinhead simply rolls his eyes, removes his headset and joins the Skullhead clan in the ring.]
AH: Pinhead... Uncle Ian... you’re a good guy. We all love you. But unfortunately, we’ve got to put you on the spot.
Pinhead: Listen guys, if you want the Bastardnomicon, I can’t give it to you. It’s not mine to give. In all honesty, I’m surprised your dad isn’t the one to have received it.
AH: We don’t want the book. We want something that’s in it... or really, something we think is in it.
Pinhead: You’ve lost me.
Slush: Oh I wish we could. You know how many times I’ve tried to slap on a Mickey Mouse cap and ditch that guy at Six Flags?
Slush: Just once. But it’s the intent that counts.
[Angela hands the microphone off to Darklin, the oldest of the Skullhead siblings. He towers over Pinhead though the commentator isn’t intimidated. Familiarity helps but who is to say that may not change?]
DS: When you were in MBC-Lone Star you announced that the MBC’s singles titles would be merged into the World Championship. As much as we don’t like him and his ilk, Tyler Tucker had a point.
[Darklin holds out the Bastard Stampede Tag Title towards Pinhead.]
DS: Though Bastard Stampede is gone, it should not be forgotten. We wear these belts wiyj pride just like he does. These aren’t just belts for Stampede, these are MBC titles.
[Krow then takes the microphone, standing just as tall over Pinhead.]
KS: If you’re going to merge together the singles belts, then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that the Bastardnomicon is going to ask for the tag titles to be merged as well.
[Pinhead says nothing at first but soon...]
Pinhead: Yes, the Team Bastards and Psycho Drivers will be merged at the supershow in Dallas.
[The crowd goes wild at the shocking news. Pinhead tries to get the crowd to settle a bit.]
Pinhead: I read that in the book but I hadn’t intended to announce it till I talked to their respective titleholders.
[Krow and Darklin turn to one another and nod.]
KS: Then we want in.
Pinhead: Come again?
KS: Like we said, Bastard Stampede was as much a part of the MBC as anything else. We’ve got the Tag Titles and we want in on the Unification match.
Pinhead: I don’t have that kind of power...
DS: Trust us, you’ve got the power to do it. We’ve seen inside the book before. And whoever has ownership of that book has the power to make that kind of decision.
KM: That’s a pretty powerful book to possess. No wonder people want it.
Slush: Pfft! Forget that? Why does Pinhead get it? I’m far more trustworthy than him!
KM: You really think so?
Slush: I’m trustworthy when it comes to my own self-interest. So yes.
[Pinhead thinks it over. He has no reason to doubt the Sons of Skullhead but...]
Pinhead: Fine, you’re in.
[The crowd launches into a riotous uproar as the Sons are added to the Tag Title Unification Match.]
Pinhead: But that’s tentative. I’ll have to verify in the book that I can really do that.
KS: Don’t worry, it’ll be there.
[Clearly pleased, the brothers celebrate with their sisters. Motorhead begins to play again and all exit the ring. Pinhead returns to his seat.]
Pinhead: Suddenly I don’t feel so good about having this damn book.
Slush: I’ll take it.
Pinhead: I’m nervous, not stupid.
Slush: You must have a different definition of stupid.
KM: As of right now, The Chromosomes are the Team Bastard Champions and our very own Throbbing Mattress Kittens are the Psycho Driver Tag Team Champs. Perhaps we’ll get a reaction from then later on. Facing the Sons of Skullhead is no easy task.
Pinhead: They’re good kids.
Slush: Are they? Are they really?
Pinhead: Sure they are. They got along with Rory great.
Slush: Oh right, your kid. All these damn kids running around. Where are The Hunger Games when you need them? We need a good reality show that pits children in death matches. Let me tell you something Pinhead.
Pinhead: Here we go. Prepare yourself Keith.
Slush: Oh please, Keith is right in the middle of this insanity!
KM: Wait, I am?
Slush: Yes, you are.
KM: Do you mind defining the insanity you are referring to?
Slush: People in the wrestling industry are way too horny.
Slush: Ever wonder why Skullhead has so many damned kids? Why is there a new Marshall sister popping up every other week? Because people in this profession are incredibly, irrevocably horny.
Pinhead: This is going to be a good one.
Slush: And it’s not just wrestlers. Take a look at the Olympics. You’ve got all these athletes in top physical condition and let’s face it, except for the hockey playing Canadians, they’re all pretty attractive. So what do they do? They stick them into their so called “Olympic Village.” Do you know what “Olympic Village” means in Pig Latin?
KM: Ummm.. no?
Slush: It means “All who enter here, put your keys in the bowl and prepare for the orgy.”
Pinhead: That doesn’t sound right.
Slush: So we’ve got all these attractive women and attractive men, forced to wrestle. You can’t tell me nobody is getting a wrestle boner. So it’s only natural that all these damn kids are running around. Nobody can keep it in their tights!
KM: I think wrestlers have more restraint than that.
Slush: I doubt that. How many sisters do you have?
Slush: Exactly, one million, two-hundred forty-seven thousand, one hundred and sixty-nine.
Slush: And a half.
Slush: We should consider ourselves lucky that this pervasive horniness isn’t a bigger player in the music industry. Think about it.
Pinhead: I’d rather not.
Slush: Let’s say that Jack Black and Jack White got together for a super band, fell in love and had a baby. They’d give birth to Jack Gray and a few years later, that kid gets possessed by the Phoenix Force. Then we’re all screwed!
KM: He’s really stretching it now...
Slush: Consider this a warning world.
[Slush inexplicably pulls out a pair of drumsticks from nowhere, holds them out in front of himself and drops them.]
Pinhead: Well then.
Slush: Word to your mother.
KM: I’m told we have an interview...
Slush: Did you hear me Keith? YOUR MOM!
[Scene opens to a studio shot of a big red banner with a MBC: Alamo City logo on it. Standing in front of the logo is Caucasian man with semi-long light brown hair, gray blue eyes, and a smirk on his face. He is dressed in a dark blue suit with a light gray button up shirt that is unbuttoned at the top and no tie. Standing next to him is a Caucasian woman with light brown hair that goes to her upper back, has big blue eyes, a very beautiful face with a smirk upon it as well. She is dressed in a black dress suit with red trim and a white blouse underneath as well as a cherry colored purse.]
Man: Hola, my name is Pablo O'Connor.
Woman: The Up All Night!
Woman: My Honey Bunny!
POC: This is my wife, Stephanie Delacroix.
SD: His Sweet and Sugar!
POC: We are the deadly duo of professional wrestling!
[O'Connor points to his wife.]
POC: The cutest button of all cute buttons..
[Delacroix smiles and flutters her eyelashes.]
POC: And me...
SD: The handsome rogue devil!
POC: The three time former heavyweight Champion of the world...
SD: The ONLY man to ever win a 200 man battle royal in the HISTORY of this sport!
POC: And a proud Texan. I was born in Texas, began my career in Texas and still live in Texas despite working all over the world.
[Delacroix motions with her hands as if highlighting an invisible word in the air.]
POC: Half my blood is directly from Europe but my first breaths and my first steps were in the greatest state of them all, Texas. And in 1996 I took my first steps in pro wrestling right here in Texas for Lone Star Wrestling.
SD: Oh, Tate Williams, what became of ye grand old show?
POC: Lone Star Wrestling is long gone but I started my career for that little operation. But anyone and everyone, in this sport, who is from Texas knows the biggest, grandest, greatest stage of Texas pro wrestling is Mighty Bastard Championship!
POC: Stepping foot in a MBC ring has been one of my career ambitions for some time. Amidst the merger business last year with UWF and MBC I have come the closest to achieving that goal so far but it was not the same thing. We want the real deal.
SD: The whole enchilada!
POC: And finally.. FINALLY.. We're on the doorsteps of it. We finally get the chance to be outright proper bastards!
POC: We've been called bastards before...
SD: And worse!
POC: But now we'll be OFFICIALLY bastards! And we want the FULL experience! Every championship, trophy, thighmaster...
[Delacroix runs her hands over her hips.]
SD: Ooh! Thighmaster!
[Delacroix puts her hand to her chin.]
SD: You had a match for that title before actually..
POC: I know but it got interrupted by those darned secret police guys who are no longer around!
SD: And you were both going after donuts, totally forgetting about the match..
POC: That's right! Next time I won't be distracted by sweet, delicious donuts!
SD: Yeah.. We wanted that Grand Typo Master..
[They look at each other.. Narrow their eyes then return to looking at the camera.]
POC: Everything! All of it.. It's all up for grabs to us. We want it all! By the time we leave this place they will say there goes two Bastards and shed a tear of pride. Or maybe they'll just curse us while calling us "bastards".
SD: Either way is fine.
[Pablo nods his head in agreement.]
POC: But bastards we will be. So to all of you bastards.. Make room for two more.
SD: Prepare yourselves because the rise of a third Grand Empire begins.. tonight!
Slush: It’s the furry!
Pinhead: Never did I imagine that Pablo O’Connor would ever enter a MBC ring again. Then again, I’m sure he’s got some sort of scheme.
Slush: Yes, to win titles.
Pinhead: No, it’s not just that. There’s something else he’s plotting. There has to be.
Slush: Like what? Is he going to sell you a subscription to Ranger Rick?
Pinhead: Why would he do that?
Slush: Well if you had a pet hamster, you’d know that’s pretty much rodent porn...
Pinhead: Please say no more.
KM: Coming up next, we have the Psycho Driver Tag Team Titles on the line. Standing by with the current champions, here’s MBC-Alamo City intern Tyler Simmons.
[The cameras cut to a backstage area. Standing by with a microphone in hand and nervous look across his face is Tyler Simmons. He’s dressed in a simple MBC-Alamo City polo shirt and khaki pants. He pushes his glasses up his nose.]
TS: I’m about to be joined by...
Off Camera Female Voice #1: Oooh, it’s fresh meat...
Off Camera Female Voice #2: … for us to play with.
[Appearing at either side of Tyler and dressed in matching cowgirl outfits are Luna and Aurora Cordova, together known as the New Throbbing Mattress Kittens. More importantly, they are the reigning Psycho Driver tag Team Champions. They wear the belts around their diminutive waists, the bling setting off their western hats, tied up plaid shirts and denim shorts. It’s not your typical wrestling gear, but nothing about them is ever typical.]
Luna Cordova: Can we take you home...
Aurora Cordova: ...and have fun?
TS: [Nervously clears his throat] Ahem... I’m here to interview about your match...
LC: Oh, he’s a serious one sister but...
AC: ...I think we can break him.
[The twins play with Tyler’s hair, fascinated by their new toy. Tyler, to his credit, fights through it.]
TS: Jayde Griffen and Kyra Braddock are a formidable team and you face them tonight. How do you plan on getting past them?
AC: Bah, he’s not being fun sister, so...
LC: ...let us answer his question and be...
AC: ...done with it. We are not intimidated by...
LC: ...Estrogen. They may have skill, but we are better. We are sisters...
AC: ...and we know each other’s every....
LC: ..word, every...
AC: …move. Every....
LC: ...thought. We are primed and ready to strike. We are an engine that...
[And that they do in Tyler’s ear. He tries not to laugh as it tickles.]
TS: Word has it that they’re not fans of yours and they intend to prove a point.
LC: We are not worried about such trivial things. Are they talented? Yes, but we...
AC: ...are more so. We will defend our titles perfectly. And then...
LC: ...we will launch our special surprise for our fans.
TS: A surprise for your fans?
LC: Our fans can go to their favorite auction site and...
AC: ...bid on a chance to go out on a date...
LC: ...with us.
LC: ...and no limits.
[Tyler looks at them both, confused.]
TS: A date?
LC: A date.
AC: With us.
LC: Proceeds to go to charity of course.
AC: Of course.
TS: Oh? What charity?
LC and AC: Our hair dresser, Charity Gates.
TS: That sounds... super. Good luck with your match tonight.
[The two ladies lean in to whisper in Tyler’s ear. They say something that makes him turn red. Mission accomplished they saunter away, leaving Tyler speechless.]
Pinhead: Wouldn’t an auction like that qualify them as prostitutes?
[The camera pans over to see Slush with his smartphone out.]
Slush: How do you spell E-Bay?
KM: What do I do here?
Pinhead: What do you mean?
KM: Do I answer that? It’s an easy question but he should know better.
Pinhead: He should but he doesn’t. This is the essence of Slush.
Slush: That sounds like a great name for a cologne!
Pinhead: Or a douche.
Slush: What’s that?
Pinhead: Nothing. Ignore me.
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
E S T R O G E N !
[The instantly recognizable opening riffs of White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" cue up. Strobes kick on at the same time, while soft red spotlights focus on the entrance curtain. The two women that make up Estrogen, "Spitfire" Kyra Braddock and "Black" Jayde Griffen, then step out through the curtains. Both wear short-sleeved black t-shirts. On the front in white and red are the words "You Can Never Have Too Much...", while the back has a big diamond shape and the letter "E" in it, with the word "Estrogen" below it. They round out their attire with matching red and black trimmed shorts, black knee pads, and wrestling boots. Jayde and Kyra pause at the top of the ramp to pose for the cameras, both sporting very confident, cocky expressions on their faces. Finally, they begin their side-by-side march down toward the ring. Fans on both sides reach out to slap their hand, and they are quickly obliged. The duo then separates, continuing to work the fans on opposite sides of the ring, before grabbing two spare folding chairs and climbing simultaneously, and coming together in the center of the ring. "Thunderkiss '65" finally fades out as the lights return to normal, and both women unfold their chairs and sit down.]
JAYDE: While we need no introduction in Alamo City, it's obvious that anyone who watches the other territories has been living under a rock for the past few years.
[She gestures to herself.]
JAYDE: I'm "Black" Jayde Griffen...
KYRA: You know, I always wanted to ask this... what's with the "Black" nickname anyway? I mean you've got a lovely tan, but "Black" never seemed appropriate.
JAYDE: Well there goes the format already. To answer your question though, some reporter in Melbourne came up with it because of my [finger quotes] "mean streak". Which is probably a similar reason to why you were called "The Spitfire".
KYRA: Well, mum just always called me her "little spitfire", and it stuck. But back on topic, I'm Kyra Braddock, and this is the Estrogen Expo.
[Both women lean in close while still on their chairs for another pose.]
JAYDE: In short, you're looking at the two hottest chicks from Australia and England respectively.
KYRA: Now we don't have any guests for this first episode of the Expo, but it's not like we really _need_ them.
[Jayde shakes her head in agreement.]
JAYDE: Because when Kyra and I are in the room, we're _always_ the center of attention.
[Kyra now nods. She's a spotlight whore after all.]
KYRA: You're bloody right we are. And after we show those Cordova freaks how _real_ women fight, after we take those Psycho Driver belts off their hands, we'll prove to the world that we're not just the best women's tag team overseas, but we're the best women's tag team in the States too.
JAYDE: The Cordovas will do their usual routine of course; and they'll try to get into our heads. But Kyra and I have been training hard for this match. While the New TMK are champions for a reason, our trainers have put us through far more than they could ever hope to.
KYRA: We have the best trainers, the best bodies, and after tonight, the New Throbbing Mattress Kittens will know firsthand that we're just the f[BLEEP]king best. Why?
JAYDE & KYRA: [in tandem] Because you can never have too much--
[But they are cut off before finishing the catchphrase with "Estrogen", as a male voice cuts in over the speakers.]
VOICE: No guests?!
[The entrance curtains then part, and "Everyone's Idol" Quinn Murray steps out; still in his street clothes.]
QUINN: You have an A List celebrity who's been sitting backstage all night, and you don't need any guests?!
[Standing from their chairs, Jayde and Kyra look to each other in confusion.]
KYRA: That's right, we don't need anybody. Because you're _looking_ at the only two A List celebrities in this building.
[Jayde holds her hand up for Kyra to stop for a minute.]
JAYDE: Wait, wait, wait.
[She turns to Quinn.]
JAYDE: Look, I don't know who you are, but who's this other celebrity you're referring to?
[Stunned by the query, Quinn takes a half-step back before recovering.]
QUINN: You ignorant, insolent, audacious C[BLEEP]T! I am the greatest movie star to ever walk the face of the Earth. More importantly, whether you will admit it or not, you idolize me just like all these halfwit rednecks out here.
[He now starts down toward the ring, climbing through the ropes to join them.]
QUINN: And now you've got a guest so great that all future guests will shrivel and die in comparison. And after I beat every last loser in the rumble tonight, and take my rightful place in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament, the only guest you'll ever _need_ is Quinn f[BLEEP]king Murray.
[He pauses for a moment, looking both women up and down as they exchange eye rolls.]
QUINN: By the way, I've got another movie lined up called Three's Company, and you two would be _perfect_ for it. I'd still be the star of course, but you could be my supporting cast.
[Both Estrogen members get to their feet at that point.]
KYRA: You know what Jayde? I _have_ heard the name Quinn Murray before.
[Jayde nods in agreement.]
JAYDE: So have I. Just didn't recognize him at first.
[Quinn's feeling pretty good about his chances right about now.]
QUINN: Hey, I'll let it slide this time. Just don't let it happen again. But what do you say, do we have a deal?
[Much to his surprise, judging by her small frame, the powerful little Spitfire shoves him backwards against the ropes.]
JAYDE: You're a _joke_, Quinn.
[His mouth goes agape.]
KYRA: Your name's always at the _end_ of the movie credits. Your name doesn't even get put in the list with the rest of the cast members. You're a thirty-three year-old _gopher_.
QUINN: F[BLEEP]k you then! F[BLEEP]k you both! You had your chance to be with greatness, and you _blew_ it. The Cordova twins are going to tear you apart. At least _they_ know what a _real_ man is.
[Tirade over, he exits abruptly.]
KYRA: If that's the case, then why don't you send those dirty little slags out here.
[She and Jayde pull off their Estrogen shirts, getting a cheer from the crowd, but leaving them disappointed as they sport matching red, white, and black sports bras beneath them.]
KYRA: Because we want those bloody Psycho Driver belts RIGHT F[BLEEP]king NOW!
[MBC]PSYCHO DRIVER TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
THE NEW TMK ( c )
[Estrogen waited, but not for long. “The Little Things” by Danny Elfman started up launching the crowd into their customary chants of “TMK! TMK! TMK!” From the entrance came Luna and Aurora Cordova. They flexed and posed for the crowd setting off a chain reaction of camera flashes. You know, all the normal stuff a TMK is wont to do. And of course, it was an annoyance to Griffen and Braddock. If you think about it, it was just more incentive for the Cordova’s to do it.]
KM: I would like to point out one thing.
Slush: You’re joining my fan club?
KM: Estrogen and the New TMK have faced each other before. In fact, a few times here in Alamo City.
Slush: So you’re NOT joining my fan club?
KM: Estrogen won the first match. However, it was non-title. In the rematch for the titles, the New TMK came out on top.
Pinhead: I hear they like to do that.
Slush: Are you joining my damn fan club or what?
[Braddock and Griffen were eager for the twins to enter the ring. With their opponents ready to pounce, the Cordovas waited on the outside. In unison they removed their tag title belts with Luna handing hers off to her sister. They went in two different directions outside the ring while Griffen and Braddock split on the inside to follow. Luna climbed onto the apron and started taunted Braddock while Aurora went around the ring to hand off the belts. With one of the twins causing a commotion, Griffen broke off from her target and went to assist Kyra. Aurora immediately dropped the belts to the ground and slid into the ring. She hit a spinning heel kick on the back of Griffen’s head. When Braddock turned to respond, Luna entered the ring to strike.]
KM: Looks like the Cordovas are going to take the quick strike approach. They’re hitting and running.
Pinhead: Smart move. Based on what I’ve seen of Braddock and Griffen, once they get a hold of you, they’re not going to let up.
Slush: Man, you and your research. There are better things to do.
Pinhead: Such as?
Slush: Anything but research.
[Much of the opening moments of the match involved Luna and Aurora striking at Kyra and Jayde where possible and running. The two members of Estrogen would get their hands on either of the twins and true to what Keith said, they were relentless. But the twins made rescuing one another a priority, all for the betterment of their plan. After the wild opening, the referee managed to get both teams into a standard mode, one on the inside and one on the out.]
KM: Braddock tangling with... who is that? Luna?
Pinhead: I honestly don’t know. Could be Aurora just as much as it is Luna.
Slush: How come we never see wrestling triplets?
Pinhead: Probably because Six Person Tag Team titles aren’t common.
Slush: Eh, I suppose that’s one explanation.
Pinhead: What would yours be?
Slush: It’s obvious. The Cordova’s had a triplet but they killed her and ate her for the betterment of the liter.
Slush: They’re kittens. Duh.
[Regardless of which Cordova sister she was actually facing, Jayde Griffen worked a far stiffer style than normal. This of course was saying quite a lot given her past history. Above all else, her commitment to taking the TMK down a peg or two... or five was quite apparent. From the outside Kyra Braddock watched with added intensity. It wasn’t a matter of hunger. It was a matter of respect and well, they damn well wanted the titles. As the match wore on, Griffen and Braddock made frequent tags. That stiff style carried over to Braddock just as the intense viewing transferred back to Griffen. Still, the Kittens had their old reliable tricks.]
Pinhead: Luna.. Aurora... Luna... whichever twin that is, she’s hurting in a bad way. Griffen going for a piledriver.
KM: Cordova escapes and grabs a fist full of hair and wrenches Griffen backwards. Braddock trying to come in but the referee is holding her back.
Pinhead; And the Cordova’s just switched out with one another while the referee wasn’t looking. More of that twin magic.
KM: Braddock is trying to tell the referee but the referee can’t tell the twins apart any more than we can.,
[Despite being fresh, the Cordova, whichever one it was, acted fatigued to further convince the referee that no switch out was made. Still, she carried control of the match over Griffen. Cordova’s speed worked to her advantage, targeting the areas of Griffen’s body that were hurting. But Jayde was no stranger to pain. In an outburst of frustration, Griffen caught Cordova off guard and backed her to the corner with haymaker after haymaker. She punished her for all that was done before and in her rage she ripped off a part of Cordova’s shirt. With the twin ailing, Griffen pulled away and made the tag to her eager teammate. Kyra Braddock came in just as furious as just as aggressive as her partner. Spitfire truly lived up to her name.]
KM: This is exactly what the TMK didn’t want. They’ve given Braddock and Griffen an opportunity to maintain a long offensive. The TMK are good but they don’t really have the defenses to tolerate this kind of sustained attack.
Pinhead; But the gears are turning. Just look at the Cordova on the outside.
Slush: Oh I’ve found pictures of them outside, inside, downside, upside, sideways and.... wow... never seen that position before. I don’t think that’s natural. Is that... an inflatable dolphin?
[Plan in place, the other Cordova entered the ring, immediately calling the referee’s attention. Reacting quickly to the possible double team maneuvering, Jayde Griffen stormed back into the ring. Once her opponent had entered though, the Cordova went back out peacefully, forcing the referee to try and get her back out. With his back turned away, the Cordova came back in and the double teaming began in earnest. Braddock did well to fight them both off. Yet, this wasn’t a matter of regaining the edge. It was just a matter of pulling the switch again.]
KM: The Cordova’s do another illegal switch here. Griffen directs the referee’s attention to it but not in time for him to see it.
Pinhead: Braddock is pleading her case... hold on now... she’s pointing to the shirt. Moment’s ago Jayde ripped one of the Cordova’s shirts and that one is on the outside now. They just got caught!
KM: The referee is forcing the legal Cordova back into the ring and she’s not looking happy about it.
Pinhead: Braddock right on top of her! This is just what Estrogen needed!
Slush: Isn’t Estrogen needed by middle aged women whose baby factories dried up?
KM: Braddock is completely overwhelming Cordova, whichever that one is.
Slush: Can we call her Patches Cordova?
[Her sister being overwhelmed and their chances of walking away from the match as champions diminishing, the other Cordova dropped to the arena floor and rushed to the time keeper’s table. She grabbed both title belts and slid back into the ring. Before Jayde could react, the not legal Cordova blasted Braddock in the back of the head with one of the belts. She tossed the other belt to her sister and pulled her out of the ring. They were gone before Griffen could retaliate. The unfortunate side of all this was the referee calling for the TMK’s disqualification.]
WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Estrogen
KM: Braddock and Griffen were clearly the better team today and the TMK knew it.
Pinhead: Rather than lose their belts, they lost the match by DQ Estrogen was robbed.
Slush: Funny, when I think TMK I don’t think “menopause.”
Slush: Get it? Cause you know... menopause... takes away.... you know what? Screw you both. I want my damn hamster back.
KM: Should I be insulted that he prefers a hamster to my company?
Pinhead: You could take it any way you want. But either way, he’s still an idiot.
Slush: I could sit here and be insulted. But you know, I’ve got better things to do.
Slush: Cleaning my butt.
[Suddenly, Judas Priest’s “Prophecy” begins to blare out over The Skull sound system. The lights go red and from the entrance way emerges a man familiar to not just the fans of Alamo City but the MBC as a whole. Wearing black pants, black overcoat and black mask, all of which bear red highlights, is the one called Damien “The Omen” Williams.]
Slush: What is he doing here?
Pinhead: He works here!
Slush: No! I work here!
Pinhead: You don’t work, you loiter!
Slush: We agreed to not be in the same building at the same time. You don’t cross the streams Pinhead! YOU DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS!
[The Omen normally would make more of a spectacle of his entrance but his walk is filled with determination, possibly anger. He slides into the ring, waves off the red lights and calls for a house microphone. All this, while keeping his eyes on Slush.
Yes, Slush reproduced.]
Omen: Why can’t you just go away like a normal deadbeat dad?
[Omen walks to the side of the ring closest to the commentator’s table and points a finger at Slush.]
Slush: Why can’t you run away from home and stay away like... I don’t know.... a runaway..
KM: Clever comeback there.
Omen: You made my early life hell by being you. And just when I thought I could get some measure of satisfaction out of making you pay for that, you somehow found a way to ruin my life again.
Pinhead: What did you do this time?
Omen: Tonight, I have a chance to represent Alamo City in the single most important tournament in MBC history. But this is the night you decided to pay a visit. And it’s not just that. I realize you don’t follow wrestling, I mean, you don’t even watch your own show. You’re clueless and you simply can’t be bothered to lift a finger to do anything that would mean anything to anybody else.
Slush: It takes work.
Omen: You remember Taylor don’t you? A woman you hounded for months and months, thinking she was a man when everybody else knew the obvious. She was a woman, a woman I loved. Have you seen her lately? She’s angry, she’s pissed and she’s blaming you for a whole Hell of a lot of things. It’s well deserved Tony.
Slush: Don’t call me that!
Omen: I’ll call you anything I damn well please, Tony. She left me, you understand? She left me because of you!
Slush: All right, I’ve had enough of this.
[Slush rolls his eyes and stands up. He pulls off his headset and takes up a house microphone himself. He walks from the table and up the nearby ring steps. Once in, he points right back at his son.]
Slush: Listen here, son. It’s not my fault she couldn’t handle being with the greatest living example of human perfection. Wait... who would that be? Oh yeah, that’s me. And secondly, if you had even half the genes I did, that’d still be enough for you to keep a woman.
KM: Does he not realize that half of Omen’s genes came from him?
Pinhead: Biology, much like everything else, is a fuzzy subject for him.
Omen: How is it that every single problem in my life is somehow related to you? I don’t think there is a single person on this planet that can hate you more than I do.
[Silly Omen, you should know never to make a definitive statement like that, it never works out in the end. Case in point as "You Know My Name" by Chris Cornell hits the PA system mere seconds after he makes the statement. The crowd pops wildly!]
KM: Oh boy, longtime ACW fans should know who that music belongs to.
[After a few seconds, out from the back walks Tom Landis. Co-owner of MBC-Alamo City, and eternal nemesis to one Anthony Danza.
[Landis is dressed in a pair of jeans and a simple black t-shirt with the MBC:AC logo across the front. He doesn't look happy, walking down to the ring and rolls immediately in to come face to face to face with the Omen as well as Slush. He's handed another microphone, one of the privileges of being co-owner.]
TL: Not that I really wanted to step into the middle of family business and all, but Damien... you couldn't be more wrong, buddy. If there's one person who radiates sheer hate towards this man [points at Slush, who mocks being offended] then you're looking right at him.
All the hell he's put me and my family through, it's been over ten years of [mocking tone] I HATE TOM LANDIS... I HATE THE LANDISES... Slush, you're lucky I didn't break your neck ten years ago. Or five. You're goddamned lucky I don't break your neck right now for that stunt you pulled in my wife's shower tonight. I'm about at the end of my rope, and while I feel for you Damien I'm not going to let you crown yourself the king of this particular party.
[Omen takes a step forward to confront Landis, who drops the microphone and seems like he's in a mood to oblige the younger wrestler. But before it can go beyond a little trash talk...]
Slush: Oh for the love of God! Both of you shut the [MEEP] up! I can’t take any more!
[Slush grunts and back away, suddenly stricken with a look of... wait... is... is that.... guilt?]
Slush: I know I have my faults. I’m a flawed man yes, I admit. We all are. But what I am about to say is something I’ve wanted to say for years. Something that... something that will rock your very foundations.
KM: What could that be?
Pinhead: No clue.
Slush: What I want to say is...
[And suddenly the telecast goes black...
…and is quickly replaced by a background, divided into a grid, all with various news video feeds. Large gold text dominates the foreground and reads:
The image lingers a moment before fading away and going to a news studio. There is a grey news desk where a middle aged news anchor sits. He wears a red suit and has the mustache of an early 80’s news god. Oh how his era has passed.]
Anchorman: We apologize for breaking in on programming but we have breaking news of a developing story.
[The anchorman turns to his right, where another camera turns on. A small square is digitally placed over his shoulder to highlight this breaking news. The animated image is that of a cruise ship with text that reads: TRAGEDY IN THE GULF!”]
Anchorman: Both the cruise ship and professional wrestling industries took an incredible blow today as tragedy struck in the Gulf of Mexico. While participating in a gimmick match that involved one wrestler tossing his opponent off the side of a cruise ship to win, the wrestler known to fans as Max Benson reportedly went overboard into the waters of the Gulf off the coast of Louisiana. Spotters lost sight of him and a search is ongoing.
[An image of Max Benson takes over the screen. I’ll let the anchorman describe him.]
Anchorman: Pictured here as... am I saying this right... “Tiki Thunder Love God” Max Benson was defending his Grandmaster Typo Championship against fellow wrestler Jonas Elm for MBC affiliate Seven Seas Wrestling.
[The image cuts out and goes back to the anchorman.]
Anchorman: Seven Seas Wrestling is based off the cruise vessel S.S. McGinley and has gained a reputation for unusual matches and safety violations.
[The cameras change again.]
Anchorman: The Coast Guard has joined the search for Benson. More on this story as it develops.
[And the video feed switches back to the grid of video and BREAKING NEWS text before resuming normal programming...
...Back in the arena, Slush and Tom Landis are standing toe to toe, the tension thick as it has ever been. The Omen stands there motionless but his anger is near a boiling point. The fans look on at the very edge of their seats.]
Pinhead: I didn’t think I would ever hear something like that.
KM: How will Tom and Damien react?
[Tom looks away from Slush at the Omen. The Omen gives no acknowledgement. Tom then looks back to the crowd. He looks for answers but none are there. He looks back at Slush and then...
...Tom Landis offers his hand in friendship...
...and Slush accepts and the crowd goes wild.]
Pinhead: Never in my life did I think I would hear those words and see this... THIS end result.
KM: I hope people are recording this at home because THAT was historic.
Pinhead: I’m sure there will be a commemorative DVD to celebrate this.
KM: They’re working on it already I’m sure. I think... what’s this? h I’m told that there was a power outage in the production truck. We weren’t able to record any of Slush’s historic words.
Pinhead: Am I correct in saying that all camera phones were confiscated at the door?
KM: That’s right. None of this footage will be online.
Pinhead: So the only way to see it would be here in person at the arena or at home?
KM: What a shame to anyone who didn’t see what we just saw.
Pinhead: Those words man... I never thought I’d hear Slush would be that eloquent.
[And emotional Slush returns to the table.]
KM: Moving as this is, we must sally forth. We have our next title match of the evening.
Slush: Skullhead’s liter yes?
Pinhead: Not the most polite of ways to put it but yes.
Slush: Have you ever known me to be polite?
Pinhead: Honestly, no.
Slush: Christ, Pinhead, can’t you just lie to my face like the hot chick I run into at my dry cleaner’s who turns me down for dates?
Pinhead: She lies to you?
Slush: Pfft, something about being a nun. Whatever.
KM: The Sons of Skullhead are no strangers to the world of bastardism. It’s not just the fact they are in fact the offspring of MBC legend Skullhead. But they’re also former MBC Team Bastard and Psycho Driver Tag Team Champions. Now, they hold the Bastard Stampede Tag Titles.
Pinhead: And will get a chance to unify the MBC tag titles if they get past the Second City Roughnecks.
Slush; Were the First City Roughnecks too busy? HIGH FIVE! Nobody? I really hate you [MEEP]ers. Can nobody be troubled to give me a high five? It should be an honor to press your flesh to mine! AN HONOR [MEEP] DAMNIT!
KM: Let’s get right to the match.
Slush: That’s it Keith. You’re officially on my [MEEP]list. Just because I’ve made peace with your brother in law doesn’t mean I have to like you.
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.
Posted: May 9 2012, 09:42 PM
Member No.: 199
Joined: 25-May 06
BASTARD STAMPEDE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
THE SONS OF SKULLHEAD ( c )
versus THE SECOND CITY ROUGHNECKS
[To say the fans of Alamo City hated the Second City Roughnecks would be a gross oversimplification of the matter. Sure, the fans hated them as wrestlers. But as time went on, the fans had grown to hate the Roughnecks as human beings. Week after week, show after show, Bode Connors and Shani Fairborne came out to the ring and taunted the crowd, both visually and mentally. They were already boot wearing, greasy looking thugs that people tended to dislike but they did something unforgivable. They trashed Texas.]
KM: Sometimes, I fear for my life when these guys come out.
Pinhead: They do this every time?
KM: All for what they call the “glory of the state of Illinois.”
[Indeed, they talked trash about Texas. In turn the fans boo’d. The Roughnecks talked up their home state of Illinois. Of course the boo’s continued. But they weren’t done yet. They then called for the playing of the state anthem of Illinois. Yes, such a thing exists. And here are the lyrics!]
#By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois,#
#O'er thy prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois,#
#Comes an echo on the breeze.#
#Rustling through the leafy trees, and its mellow tones are these, Illinois, Illinois,#
#And its mellow tones are these, Illinois.#
Slush: MAKE THE BAD SONG GO AWAY!
Pinhead: Yet another rare agreement between me and Slush.
Slush: I’m talking about the song in my head. I HATE YOU MEOW MIX! I DON’T CARE IF YOU LOVE CHICKEN AND LIVER!
[Connors and Fairborne relished in their state song, even feigning a tear to further needle the crowd. But the song came to a screeching halt. Through the entrance, without theme and without theatrics came Darklin and Krow, the Sons of Skullhead. They charged the ring, entering with haste and immediately began to brawl with the Roughnecks. The referee showed the most basic of intelligence by getting the Hell out of the way and calling for the bell. The [MEEP], as they say, was on.]
KM: Roughnecks and Sons are going right after it!
Pinhead: Darklin and Krow are Texas born and bred. So you know they’ve taken offense to all this.
KM: And the Roughnecks look to be upset that their ceremony was interupted.
Slush: So... Illinois... is it really a state? Or is it like Montana? Is it Native American for “empty space”?
[Start to finish, the match was a brawl. The number of actual wrestling moves you could count on one hand, maybe two if you counted the basic things like... punch or.... kick. The referee knew enough to back away and let things settle. After a little while, Krow sent Fairborne over the top rope and followed, leaving his brother and Connors to duke it out in the middle of the ring. The zebra shirted official declared them the legal men, the others be damned.]
KM: Were Bastard Stampede matches like this?
Pinhead: Some were but not all. Though the Sons usually were pretty tenacious when it came to going after people.
Slush: They could be bounty hunters. They’d so be good at that!
[The referee eventually managed to get Krow and Fairborne separated, though only after he bothered to put in a minimum amount of effort. They went to their corners and waited for their respective partners to tag out. Connors was the first, letting the fresher Fairborne tackle with Darklin. But frequent tags were made from this point on. There was very little slow down in momentum as the brawl kept up. Things turned quickly sour however when Fairborne joined Connors for a double team on Krow. Darklin sprinted in and caught Fairborne with a spear tackle. The Son of Skullhead dumped Shani to the outside, leaving Connors alone to face the wrath of the Sons. Fairborne tried to get back inside the ring as quickly as possible, but the damage was done. The Sons executed a double Skullbsuter and took home the three count for the win and successful title defense.]
WINNER BY PINFALL: The Sons of Skullhead
KM: The Sons of Skullhead walk away with a successful title defense and are now looking to march into the supershow ready for a shot at unification.
Pinhead: I don’t know how the TMK are going to handle those two but... I guess we’ll see.
Slush: If you’ve seen their videos, you’d know how they’ll quote “handle them.”
Pinhead: I think they’re a little more controlled than that.
Slush: Controlled? Please. The TMK put “Girls Gone Wild” to shame.
Pinhead: I was talking about Dark.... never mind.. .I don’t care.
Slush: Fancy that! Neither do I! Where can I get an ice cream sandwhich?
[Fade to commercial messages.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.
Posted: May 9 2012, 09:49 PM
Member No.: 199
Joined: 25-May 06
[Fade to one of the many hallways in the back of The Skull. This one in particular is a mess. Cables and wires hang from the ceiling much like glorified spaghetti. Alamo City General Manager Tara Marshall, who is already having a very bad day stands in the middle of the hall, looking at the mess before her.
She can only shake her head.]
TSM: We just had this hall finished.
[Marshall takes a few steps forward to pull down a piece of metal framework dangingling from the ceiling on a thread. It comes off easy enough but other debris falls down all around her, like rain, very ugly and heavy rain.]
TSM: Much as I want to believe it, I don’t think Slush could have done this.
Male Voice: I’ve figured it out! Yeah! Yeah! Totally metal! Awesome! AWESOME!
TSM: Ah, damnit! Joey? Is that you?
Male Voice: Uh oh. Boss lady is here. What should we do?
[No one else seems to answer. Tara though is trying to trace the location of the voice.]
Male Voice: Yeah, I know she thinks I’m nuts. I blame you! I learned it by watching you!
Male Voice: Fine, fine. Time to man up!
TSM: Joey, I know that’s you, time to... EEEK!
[Descending from the ceiling, upside down all Spider-Man style is the one and only “Overkill” Joey Malone. He drops down right next to Marshall, startling the crap out of her.]
OJM: Hey boss lady.
TSM: Joey, what the Hell are you doing?
[Tara Marshall then sees that he’s hanging from the ceiling, somehow not falling nor becoming sick from the odd position.]
TSM: And what did you do in here?
OJM: Funny story. So, I was following this metal bird that looked like it was floating up and down, up and down...
TSM: Metal bird? What are you talking about?
OJM: It was this fat metal bird. I didn’t know what it was. That’s why I followed it. To see what it was.
OJM: It had this red glowing symbol on it and it was moving pretty fast. Then I saw it climb up in the ceiling.
[Marshall doesn’t understand a single thing that Joey is saying, which is nothing new. But she squeezes the bridge of her nose, hoping to offset an oncoming headache.]
TSM. Then what Joey?
OJM: I climbed up here trying to find it, naturally.
TSM: Don’t take this the wrong way Joey... but what were you doing before you saw the metal bird?
OJM: Oh I think I accidentally walked into the janitorial closet and knocked over some chemicals. There’s weird fumes in there now. You may want to get somebody on that.
TSM: And those weird fumes then lead you to seeing the metal bird?
OJM: Oh wow, I totally get it now! I was sent here like on a spirit quest!
TSM: No, Joey, I don’t think....
OJM: That’s totally it!
[Malone spins around on the cable he’s dangling from in excitement. It twists up and when it can twist no more, it untwists, sending Joey in the opposite direction.]
OJM: I was meant to come here! It’s where I discovered my secret weapon for tonight!
TSM: Do I really want to know?
OJM: It’s the Konami Code! The Metal Bird told me I could only use it in special situations like tonight’s Royal Rumble! It will be totally metal!
TSM: Joey, I really don’t have time to deal with you... or this.... Can you just make sure to tell maintenance to take care of this mess when you’re done?
OJM: Sure thing boss lady!
[Joey spins to look directly at Tara. He puckers up and makes kissing noises.]
TSM: Joey, what are you doing?
OJM: Only what a spider can!
[Tara sighs, takes the piece of metal framework and swings up to hit the cable Joey is dangling from. The cord snaps and Joey comes crashing to the floor.]
TSM: Go get ready for the match.
[Despite being crumpled on the floor, he raises his hand and flashes a thumbs up.]
OJM: Sure thing boss lady! Metal!
[The scene fades and we’re taken right back to the arena. The commentary team stands by for the second hour to begin.]
KM: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. As you saw, Joey Malone is... colorful.
Slush: He’s the guy who tried to re-enact the Alamo with spider monkeys.
Pinhead: Among other kinds of monkeys.
Slush: Much poo was flung that day. Much poo.
KM: Crazy as he is outside the ring, he’s incredibly talented inside the ring. Most of all, he’s wild and unpredictable. That’ll make him a force to be reckoned with in tonight’s Battle Royal.
Pinhead: Any thoughts on that?
KM: Many, but I’m told we’ve got this to watch.
[The scene opens up backstage, where we see Mistress Nightshade, clad in a hooded cape and cowl, leaning against a wall, looking over the corner every few seconds, suspiciously. She wears a full face-covering Venetian mask, looking more assassin than wrestler at the moment.]
MN: He's going to walk past here eventually and when that happens...
[She flicks her wrist, and suddenly a small two-pronged blade appears in her right hand.]
MN: ...I'll persuade him to hand over the book. I can't believe they just walk around like that without protecting it....what a bunch of idiots.
[She laughs to herself.]
MN: This is going to be just like taking candy from a bab...
[Mistress Nightshade expertly twirls the blade between her fingers back and forth...]
[...before nearly dropping it as she's startled from behind by.... STEPHANIE DELACROIX!]
SD: I know who you are, you mutant, goth, nerd, vampire, creature, thing!
[Mistress Nightshade quickly slips her shiv back beneath her sleeve and turns around to confront her accuser.]
MN: I...I have no idea what you're talking about! I don't even know who you are!
[She looks over her shoulder and then back to Steph.]
MN: You must have me mistaken for somebody else. Another masked, yet incredibly beautiful, talented, and breathtaking young woman!
[Steph points an accusing finger at her.]
SD: You're fooling nobody! You "Hunger Games" loving, mutant, hipster dating...
[The Mistress has heard enough. Hipster dating??? She's gone too far!]
MN: What? WHAT?! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I'M A BEAUTIFUL AND DELICATE FLOWER, YOU FAT COW!?!?
[Nightshade flicks her right hand, as three razor blades suddenly appear between her fingers.]
MN: YOU WANNA' GO!? THEN LET'S GO!!
"What is all this ruckus?!"
[A security guard comes up to the two ladies, as Nightshade once again is quick to remove all evidence of any weapons on her person and puts her hands behind her back, trying to look as innocent as a would-be vampire assassin can be.]
MN: Nothing, prey of the world! This sexual degenerate merely wished to bask in Mistress Nightshade's magnificence!
SD: What?! SHE is the freaky one! Wearing Mardi Gras masks, worshipping vampires and hanging around all those girls in the Perfect Girl Evolu-...
MN: Shut your trap, old woman!
[Mistress Nightshade immediately tries to clamp a hand over Steph's mouth, but is shoved back. As the two struggle, the security guard pulls the two apart. He leans in close and takes a good hard look at Delacroix.]
SG: Ma'am! Have you been drinking?
[Stephanie looks at him as if he has two heads.]
[He gives her a very suspicious look.]
SG: I think you better come with me.
[The Security Guard grabs Steph by the arm and drags her off screaming and kicking.]
SD: WAIT A MINUTE! SHE'S THE ONE YOU WANT! KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME! [Shouting at Nightshade] I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!
[Nightshade breathes a sigh of relief, before turning her attention back to the matter at hand. However, as she turns around, her demeanor becomes panicked as we see is someone walking away in the far-off distance.]
MN: Hey! Come back here! I need to physically threaten you!
[She runs forward a few steps, but realizes she's never going to catch up. She pounds a fist on the wall in frustration.]
MN: That stupid woman...she ruined everything!
[Nightshade then proceeds to reach up...and PULLS OFF HER MASK, revealing a young, Japanese female with short, spiky, punkish hair, dyed a light auburn color. Annoyed, she pulls out her iPhone...]
"MN": (Send message to Miyuki.)
"MN": (Status report, big sis.)
[She takes a deep breath.]
[She puts the mask back on and shakes her head in annoyance as she walks off. Fade to black.]
Slush: It’s a Harem girl! Me likey!
Pinhead: Another future wife?
Slush: You know it!
Pinhead: Aside from the fact it’s illegal to have more than one wife, getting one of those women to talk to you much less marry you, should be short of impossible.
Slush: Pinhead, you’re overlooking my most endearing trait.
Pinhead: Something about you is endearing?
Slush: I’ve got looks and I’ve got charm. But most of all, I have a talented penis.
[For those of you who enjoy hearing Dro read Slush lines on Mark Our Mania, that one was for you. I’m sure somebody can make it a ringtone.]
KM: So, do you actually have the book on you.
Pinhead: No, otherwise, it looks like I’d be mugged. It’s been hidden.
KM: Why was she thinking you were in the halls?
Pinhead: I hired body doubles.
Slush: I knew it! You’re not the real Pinhead.
Pinhead: Actually I am.
Slush: Precisely what a body double would say!
Pinhead: Sooooo... the Royal Rumble... thoughts.
KM: There are ten incredibly talented people in this thing. I don’t see anyone in particular as a favorite. I think it’s really going to come down to the luck of the draw.
Slush: Want to see lil’ Slush do tricks?
KM and Pinhead: NO!!!
TEN MAN ROYAL RUMBLE
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest will be a ROYAL RUMBLE!
[The crowd erupts into cheers, understanding that the main event had arrived.]
RA: Two men enter and after two minutes a new entrance will come down until all ten participants have entered the ring. To win, all other wrestlers must be thrown over the top rope and hit the floor with both feet on the ground. The winner will represent MBC-Alamo City in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament!
[Before the crowd can react “Prophecy” by Judas Priest signals the entrance of the first wrestler. Slush rolls his eyes as out from the curtains comes Damien “The Omen” Williams.]
Slush: I guess we can get this part over with.
Pinhead: You know, at some point you may want to make peace with your son.
Slush: I’ve got my deathbed to do that. And even then, I may just fart in his face.
KM: Well, that’s pleasant.
[Once Williams was settled in the ring, “The Warrior” by Scandal replaced the Priest tune. Jamie Kidd exploded through the entrance and rushed to the ring. He slid into the ring and ran around, energetic and ready to run through the gauntlet. Omen was contemptuous in looking at his opponent, possibly for his demeanor or his overabundance of energy.]
Pinhead: What the Hell did you do to your kid to make him so bitter?
Slush: I blame society.
Pinhead: Which you’re a part of.
Slush: I blame his mother.
Pinhead: Which you only had a one night stand with apparently.
Slush: I blame you.
Pinhead: I didn’t do anything!
Slush: No wonder he hates you!
Pinhead: He hates you, not me.
Slush: We’ll see. We’ll see.
[When the match started, it became clear that both men realized they were on the clock. In two minutes, another man would be coming down and there could be no guarantee that they would be a friend. Even friends were potential enemies in matches such as these. This in mind, the Omen and Kidd circled and tied up, hoping they could score an early elimination. The two struggled for dominance and though neither was particularly strong their desperation seemed to be the prevailing emotion. Already, the match was becoming desperate.]
KM: Both these wrestlers have the stamina to last a good long while in this. Their styles reflect that.
Pinhead: But all it takes is one monster to start blasting through and they could easily get tossed.
KM: Kidd sent to the ropes. Williams goes for a dropkick but Kidd hangs onto the ropes.
Slush: And my kid goes flat on his ass!
[Kidd was quick to jump on top of Williams, trying to daze him enough to for the elimination. But if he wasn’t careful, there’d be little way for Kidd to heft The Omen up and over the top rope. Luckily for him, the former ACW tag champion managed to get Omen to his feet and to the corner. He tried to get one leg over but Omen came out of his daze to thumb Kidd in the eye and back him off. Omen climbed to the second turnbuckle and came at his opponent for a clothesline. The two tussled a few moments longer but the countdown clock has already begun...]
KM: We’re about to see entrant number three!
[The arena sound system buzzed as the clock reached zero. Soon after, "Regular People (Conceit)" by Pantera began to play. Rushing down the aisle was Quinn Murray, the fans booing every step. Murray wasted no time in entering the ring, possessing the same mentality that Kidd and Williams had before him. Now was the opportunity to strike before anyone else could come down and spoil the fun. Murray ignored the concept of double teaming, instead attacking Kidd and Williams at once.]
KM: Murray coming at both Williams and Kidd.
Pinhead: This would be the perfect opportunity for Kidd and Williams to team up, but they can’t seem to get on the same page.
Slush: I knew it! My kid is illiterate!
Pinhead: Like father like son?
Slush: Hey! Me read good!
[Murray tied up with Kidd while Williams leaned in the corner, once again clearing his head. He charged both of his opponents, only to take a superkick to the chin from Murray. Satisfied with his work, Murray took a moment to gloat but that lead to Kidd nailing him with a spinning heal kick. Kidd pulled Murray up and tried to dump him over but Quinn turned the tables, letting himself fall over while holding to the top rope The momentum carried Kidd over.]
KM: Kidd over the top... but he holds on!
Pinhead: And he’s holding on for dear life. Murray could capitalize but he’s already on tenuous footing.
KM: Who will it be?
[The thunderous drums of “Overkill” by Motorhead started to play, causing the crowd to erupt. Malone charged, devil horns raised and head banging all the way to the ring. He slipped under the bottom rope and helped Jamie Kidd back over the top. At that moment an old partnership was reborn and both Murray and Williams were in danger.]
KM: Four men in the ring now. And we’ve got our first team up. Malone and Kidd are former tag team partners and in fact, held the ACW Tag Team titles.
Pinhead: Doesn’t look like they’ve lost a step. Murray is back inside the ring but both Malone and Kidd are going right after him.
KM: Here comes Omen again, jumping Kidd from behind...standing neckbreaker on Kidd!
[Distracted by Kidd being taken down, Malone found himself a victim of a Murray bulldog. Omen and Murray then concentrated on getting Kidd up and over the top rope but Malone had enough of his wits about him to jump to his feet and try and dump the Omen over. Kidd almost fell to the floor as a result but he slid along the apron instead, pulling himself back under the bottom rope. The four men then gave up any senses of teaming together, turning the whole affair into a four way brawl. Enthralled as they were with the match, the crowd turned to the countdown clock...]
[The obnoxious buzz came again and the collective breath was held. "Wicked Saints" by Impious blasted out the arena speakers and Cornelius Gore blasted down the ramp. Gore practically jumped through the ropes and engaged the closest wrestlers to him. Within seconds, Gore had struck all of the other wrestlers.]
KM: Cornelius Gore a ball of fire here, perhaps with a bit if bloodlust… and why is Slush drooling? Is… is that foam at the corners of his mouth?
Pinhead: Oh dear, I’ve seen this before.
Slush: META ALERT! META ALERT!
KM: Is he talking about me?
Pinhead: No… his mind has accessed a whole other plane of existence!
Slush: This match is being written while on jury duty!
[As Gore rampaged like a fist fueled tornado of destruction, Murray backed off to step away from the wake. Try as he might to avoid it, Damien Williams became caught up in Gore's path. After taking a vicious headbutt from Gore, The Omen staggered back in a daze. Capitalizing, Murray backed Williams to the ropes and quickly dumped him over.]
RA: Damien Williams has been eliminated!
Slush: Guilty! You are guilty!
Pinhead: Guess that justifies the meta alert.
Slush: Give him the chair!
KM: The Omen is the first to go, thanks to a Gore assist for Murray. Still have five participants to come!
Slush: Bring murderer's row for the jury!
KM: So can you explain this meta thing to me?
Pinhead: Once I tell you, there's no going back Keith. And opening that door just to understand Slush isn't worth it.
Slush: Hey judge! You wearing any pants under that robe?
[The action in the ring continued unabated but the crowd once again turned to the entry way. "Girl From Ipanema"! began to play and the crowd once more filled the arena with lusty BOOS!”]
Slush: Lusty huh?
Pinhead: There goes the meta...
Slush: I don’t know... I’ve met some lusty judges in my time...
["Up All Night" Pablo O'Connor and Stephanie Delacroix walked out and headed down the aisle. The crowd, apparently big fans of Tommy Stephens and Brett Young, let Pablo have it with the intensely loud booing but Pablo and Stephanie smiled, bathing in the crowd's dislike of them. O'Connor was of course in his ring gear and Delacroix was in a cherry colored suit dress, with a rather ridiculously large cherry colored purse to compliment the ensemble. Pablo rolled into the ring, pointed at his competitors and yelled...]
POC: I AM THE ONLY WINNER OF A 200 MAN RUMBLE EVER!
[Immediately they all charged at him but Pablo rolled under the bottom rope to the floor outside. He posed with his wife while the fans boo’d even louder.]
KM: I guess it took a character like O’Connor to finally get a large group of people to team up.
Slush: Such power... I respect that...
Pinhead: Is it power? Or is it arrogance?
Slush: If it was a perfume, it would be awesome! Or maybe... I don’t know... if it were a donut, it would be that inflatable ass pillow for hemorrhoids. I find Pablo’s aura comforting. And his wife... I wonder if they’re swingers.
Pinhead: And there came the words that launched a bevy of erotic fan fiction.
KM: A bevy?
Pinhead: Maybe one... written by Slush.
[While time did not stand still, the match itself ground to a halt. O'Connor had painted a large target on his back in the matter of a few words. And there in the outside of the ring he knew it. In fact Pablo flaunted it. With every passing second, the crowd grew angrier as "Up All Night" remained "Delayed from Entering Ring." This however worked in his favor as the natives grew restless.]
KM: The peace is broken! Gore attacks Malone and Kidd gets jumped by Murray.
Pinhead: And now that he's no longer the focus Pablo enters the ring to finally join in on the action.
Slush: It's like a 5 car pileup in there.
KM: Did the meta change?
Pinhead: This tends to happen in longer matches.
Slush: Watch out for the roadkill!
KM: I still don't get it.
Pinhead: Slush is no longer here in the traditional sense. Instead of commenting on the match... well it’s like he's speaking in tongues.
Slush: [MEEP]DAMN POTHOLES!!!
Pinhead: Slush is at the mercy of the match writer and his world. I would hazard to guess the match writer is in the car, crafting our reality on his smart phone.
KM: I was warned about this... you're breaking the fourth wall.
Pinhead: There's nothing to break if it isn't there to begin with.
Slush: Hey there's a car on the side of the road dead and for sale! I wonder how many hobo orgies that thing has seen!
[Pablo O'Connor picked his battles well. First he followed in the wake of Gore, striking at Malone when Cornelius' Tasmanian devil like rage allowed for an opening. And when it didn't, he joined Quinn Murray in his battle with Jamie Kidd. Kidd did well to hold off Murray's attempts to dump him out of the ring but wear and tear was showing. Murray remained persistent in his attacks but it was a monstrous clothesline from O'Connor that sent Kidd over the top and to the floor.]
RA: Jamie Kidd has been eliminated.
Pinhead: No marathon runners tonight.
Slush: Thousand points for marathoners.
KM: Still on the car thing?
Pinhead: These spells are unpredictable. We can only hope our match crafting god doesn't need a prostate exam.
[Once again the crowd turned to the entrance, this time treated to "That Ain't Classy" by Classified. Bradley Rose was the next to come down. He had made his way to the ring so fast that the crowd had barely any time to react. Much like Gore before him, Rose tore into anyone that happened into his path. The balance of power shifted from here. Tired of his quick shots, Malone, Murray and Gore threw Pablo into Rose's path. O'Connor soon found himself in the corner being worked over.]
Slush: Holy crab! That was a big ass accident!
Pinhead: Sometimes the typos are funnier when left in.
KM: This whole concept is making my head hurt.
Pinhead: But not enough as Cornelius Gore is about to.
KN: Joey Malone and Quinn Murray are teaming together to get the devil out of this match!
Slush: You crazy? The devil doesn't drive on this highway!
KM: Gore fighting for his life but... there he goes! Another one gone!
RA: Cornelius Gore has been eliminated!
Pinhead: And that partnership didn't last long. Malone and Murray are now tangling up.
KM: They had better watch out. We've got another countdown!
[None were watching out save for the crowd. From the entrance came the reigning MBC-Alamo City Champion Danny Holden. His methodology was far different from the rest of them. He didn’t rush or charge. He watched each and every opponent with every step, studying them and looking for immediate openings. Once ringside, he gave a quick look to Stephanie Delacroix to judge her place in the whole situation. Information gathered, he slipped in and began his attack.]
KM: Holden going after Malone and Murray. Three way brawl there!
Pinhead: And that is quickly joined by O’Connor and Rose, mostly by Pablo’s doing.
KM: He leads Rose into that brawl... and backs out. Pablo is letting the other four do his work for him.
Slush: Smart man.
Pinhead: Oh, you’re back from your little episode?
Slush: Yeah... I’m not feeling “roadtrip” or “jury duty” any more. So, it’s a matter of wasting time the normal way.
KM: That’s really how you see this? Wasting time?
Slush: Oh you know it. See, in a normal federation, a commentator’s role is to enhance the action.
Slush: But my role is to waste your time. My role is to detract from what’s going on in the ring. Everything I say? It’s all really filler to compensate for a lackluster match description.
KM: Is this more fourth wall stuff?
Slush: But me? I’m so good, that people don’t even care. People come to the MBC for me. Nobody cares about the MBC but they care about me. I’m the center of the universe my friends!
KM: We have plenty of talent in this federation that surely you are not the only reason people watch...
Slush: Oh yeah? I just wasted enough time to get to the countdown and nobody cares.
[Whether or not Slush was right, the fans in the arena still looked to the entranceway to see who was coming down. Much to their surprise, a familiar face had returned...]
KM: Cody Jones! Cody Jones is back!
KM: In February he suffered a vicious injury at the hands of Quinn Murray and Cornelius Gore
Pinhead: And Murray sees him coming!
KM: Jones is charging down and going right after Murray! The fans are eating this up!
Slush: Signs of bad nutrition. I bet folks around here brush their teeth with Mountain Dew.
KM: That’s disgusting.
Slush: Not if your teeth are EXTREME... or douchbags.
[Just as soon as Jones entered the ring, he was right on Murray who was completely taken aback by Cody’s return. The rest of the field backed off, letting Murray get his comeuppance. Rose tangled with O’Connor as Malone and Holden met in the corner. Meanwhile on the outside, Stephanie Delacroix cheered on her man while clutching her massive purse. What it held inside was still anybody’s guess.]
Slush: Want to hear my guess?
Pinhead: Not really.
[So, we don’t. Murray aside, Malone had been in the ring the longest. As in such, he was starting to look a little gassed. But to expend as much energy as he does, it was inevitable that Overkill would be slowing down. Holden keyed in on this, continuing to try and wear the high flyer down. But Malone was tricky with the ropes. Even as he was flipped over the top rope, Joey was quick to take hold of the top or middle rope and slide back in. Holden obviously found it annoying. What was more annoying to him was Pablo O’Connor trying to dump off Rose in his lap.]
KM: O’Connor has become very adept at dumping people who come after him on somebody else.
Slush: It’s the best strategy. Make your problem somebody else’s problem then it’s not your problem anymore.
Pinhead: But I’m sure that will come to bite him in the ass.
Slush: Iron underwear my friend. Or chainmail. It’s not just for bikinis anymore.
Slush: I LOVE YOU RED SONJA!
[The crowd turned to watch the tenth and final entrant to this match come down. Of course, they were then distracted by something else entirely. Bursting through the entranceway was Sugar, sexy valet to Stan “The Man” Fox. Fox was behind her of course but was anybody really paying attention to him? The pair came down to the ring and after a quick make out session for luck, Fox entered the ring, going straight after Holden and Malone. Sugar then joined Delacroix at ringside.]
Pinhead: Holden doesn’t look entirely pleased that somebody is trying to horn in on his efforts but this isn’t exactly the time to turn away help.
KM: Fox and Malone have been at one anothers throats as of late. It’s not surprising.
Pinhead: Looks like Stephanie and Sugar are getting along swimmingly. What could they be talking about?
Slush: You know, I’m a lip reader.
Pinhead: Doubt it.
Slush: Let’s see, Stephanie says that “Greedo shot first” while Sugar is saying that “Bruce Boxleitner was mad awesome in Tron.”
Pinhead: Now I doubt it even more.
Slush: Now Sugar is complimenting Stephanie on her ass while Stephanie is being self-conscious about her boobs.
Pinhead: Now I know you’re making stuff up.
KM: No... actually... that may be dead on.
[What were three groups of fighting had congealed into one massive bunch of wrestlers, all beating one another senseless. Murray, Malone, O’Connor, Rose, Holden, Jones and Fox had all let loose on anything that moved. Some fell from errant punches. Others broke away to get a moment’s respite. But there was one who did something far more unusual...]
Pinhead: Joey Malone standing all alone now.
KM: And he’s got a weird look in his eyes.
[From nowhere, Joey shouted to the rafters a simple phrase...]
OJM: KONAMI CODE!!!!
[With every movement of his arm, the crowd chanted...]
[And for the final components, Joey bunched the air as the crowd continued to chant along...]
[By this point, all other wrestlers in the ring stopped what they were doing.]
KM: What is Malone about to do?
Pinhead: OH MY...
[The telecast goes black again, returning to the multi-video grid and the text that reads:
Back to the news studio we go with our nameless anchorman. How about this? I’ll let you, the fans, name him.]
Anchorman: Again, we apologize for interrupting your programming. but we have more breaking news concerning Max Benson who we reported earlier as going overboard on the S.S. McGinley.
[The anchorman turns to another camera so that snazzy little graphic can pop up.]
Anchorman: We here have learned that Max Benson participated in experiments that combined a GPS device with a RFD tag, commonly used with tracking livestock and large whales. One such tag was surgically implanted into his body.
[A picture of Max Benson with his “Oceanographer Badass” gimmick is shown, complete with him sticking his head into the mouth of a great white shark.]
Anchorman: The Coast Guard has been able to lock in on the signal for the tag and they can confirm that the device is transmitting biological data. According to the information provided by the tag, Max Benson is alive and well. However, neither the Coast Guard nor anyone from the S.S. McGinley have been able to locate Benson himself.
As of the top of his hour, he has been declared “Lost at Sea” Max Benson. More on this story as it develops.
[Back to the video grid with the BREAKING NEWS text and then finally back to your normal programming.]
Pinhead: That was the single most insane thing I’ve ever seen!
[The ring was a wasteland of bodies. Everyone was down, writhing in pain. Everyone of course except Malone. He was slumped in the corner, a wicked grin across his face. The crowd loved every second of what they had just seen and for this, they chanted his name.]
Crowd: O-VER-KILL~! O-VER-KILL~!
KM: in all my years in this business, I don’t think I’ve seen a move so insane, so damaging and so.. magnificent.
Slush: [Crying with joy] My life is changed!
KM: For the second time this night, our cameras have captured an event so incredible, so stupendous that it can likely never be duplicated. Please tell me we got our tape problems from earlier taken care of?
Pinhead: No? Damn.
KM: At least people have their DVR’s.
[Despite all that he had done with his Konami Code, Joey could not capitalize. Slowly, the downed wrestlers began to rise. Jones was the first and though Malone was an easy target being so close to the ropes, his eyes returned to Murray. Quinn saw his former tag partner coming and hustled to his feet, only to be plowed into. The two began to brawl relentlessly near the corner.]
Pinhead: Fox back to his feet and he’s going after Malone. Rose is targeting Holden.
KM: And O’Connor is staying put. I think he’s playing dead.
Slush: Maybe he IS dead. Did you ever think that?
Pinhead: Considering I see him breathing, no, I didn’t think he was dead.
Slush; Just because you watch medical shows, that doesn’t mean you’re an expert Pinhead. I’ve seen every episode of Law and Order: SVU. Does that mean I’m a lawyer?
Pinhead: No but...
Slush: Does it make me a sexual deviant?
Pinhead: Well... not the show at least...
[As fights throughout the match began to heat up, it was that of Murray and Jones that was the most fierce. The two men brawled along the ropes, both trying to push one another over. Pablo O’Connor, who to this point had remained on the mat from the Konami Code, sprung both to life and his feet. He dashed to the rope where Murray and Jones were tangling and stepped out of the ring through the middle ropes, in full sight of the referee of course. The official demanded Pedro reenter the ring and he did so...
...but only after grabbing the top rope and dropping himself down to the apron, allowing Murray and Jones to tumble over the top rope and to the floor below, eliminating them from the Royal Rumble.]
RA: Quinn Murray and Cody Jones have been eliminated!
KM: In one fell swoop, Pablo O’Connor eliminates Jones and Murray. That leaves five men in this match.
Pinhead: Malone has been in for the longest by far. O’Connor, Rose, Holden and Fox are much fresher.
KM: Have to hand it to Malone. He’s still going pretty strong here.
[He was, making him an easy target. His wild style was another thing that attracted his opponents to him. Taking to the air one too many times may end up getting him tossed. Holden and Fox continued to try and get Overkill over the top rope. But both Rose and O’Connor joined the fray, not just targeting on Malone but the others as well. Before he could compensate, Bradley Rose found himself the target dujour. The rest backed off from Malone and turned their attention to the big man. With the combined effort of Malone, O’Connor, Holden and Fox, Rose found himself over the top rope and to the arena floor.]
RA: Bradley Rose has been eliminated!
KM: Four men are left. Any one of these men could easily win this.
Pinhead: But two of them have X-factors.
Slush: Genetic mutants?
Pinhead: No, their valets on the outside.
Slush: Genetic mutants with hotties?
Pinhead: We’ve not heard much from Delacroix or Sugar. That has me worried.
Slush: Can’t you let them be eye candy Pinhead? Can’t you just objectify them sexually like the rest of America?
Pinhead: I like to think I have a healthy respect for women.
Slush: Right. You’d give a left nut just to have one hot chick even wink at you. Maybe a right nut to tie you up, spank you and call you Mortimer.
KM: “A” left nut?
Slush: Doesn’t have to be his nut. Some people steal kidneys. Pinhead here could steal testicles. It’s a wild world out there.
[With Rose gone, alliances reshuffled. For a few brief seconds, Malone teamed with Holden to face Fox but that didn’t last. Then O’Connor teamed with Holden but Fox inserted himself there to go after Fox. The four remaining wrestlers ultimately settled on the concept of no alliances whatsoever, resulting in the Rumble exploding into yet another massive brawl. Malone was definitely the most gassed making him a target by Holden and Fox. Seeing this, Pablo O’Connor slipped away to the corner and let the other two go to work.]
Pinhead: Is Pablo truly that lazy?
Slush: Hardly lazy! It’s brilliant!
KM: Holden and Fox have taken notice! They’re going after O’Connor! Malone follows to join!
Pinhead: Stephanie Delacroix is trying to distract them but they’re all frustrated enough Pablo that they can ignore her.
KM: Holden and Fox have the arms..
Pinhead: Malone has the legs and boy is Pablo fighting!
KM: O’Connor reaching for the top rope... BUT OVER HE GOES! HE IS OUT!
Pinhead: Wait! Hold on!
KM: Delacroix just threw that massive purse on the floor! And Pablo somehow landed on it!
KM: To be eliminated you have to go over the top rope and your feet hit the floor. That purse is so big, I think we can say that technically, Pablo ‘s feet have not touched the floor.
Pinhead: Is the referee on the outside allowing this?
KM: Yes! But the rest of the remaining wrestlers don’t realize what’s going on!
[Thinking Pablo was eliminated, Holden, Fox and Malone turned on one another, taking the fight to another side of the ring. Feet firmly planted on the pillow, Pablo caught his breath and held on tight to the ropes, ducking down to make sure and stay out of sight. Fox’s valet Sugar tried to warn her man but he was too busy exchanging fists with Malone.]
Pinhead: Sugar is the only one there who sees what Pablo is doing.
KM: Sugar is now on the ring apron! Looks like Malone has had enough of her!
Pinhead; MALONE KISSES HER!
[The crowd went wild as Malone gave Sugar... some sugar. But it proved to be a costly mistake. Fox tipped Malone over the top rope but the man they call Overkill had enough awareness to grab hold of Fox, taking him along for the ride. The two were tangled both with one another and the ropes. All that was needed was just a little shove.]
KM: Danny Holden takes off running for the opposite side of the ring! He hits the ropes at full speed!
Pinhead: Off the rebound! Holden rams into Fox and Malone at full speed! Off the apron and right into the guardrail! They are gone!
RA: Joey Malone and Stan Fox have been eliminated!
Pinhead: Danny Holden thinks he’s won the match! But Pablo O’Connor has slid back into the ring!
KM: Pablo from behind!
Pinhead: Holden sees him finally!
KM: But it’s too late! Pablo with a monstrous clothesline over the top rope!
Pinhead: Holden hits the floor!
RA: Danny Holden has been eliminated...
[And the crowd erupts into a massive ovation of boo’s. Overjoyed, O’Connor jumps up and down in elation. His wife joins him and in the shower of disgust that befalls them both, the two of them proceed to make out.]
Pinhead: Get a room!
Slush: No... keep going. Awww yeah.
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Royal Rumble and the representative of MBC-Alamo City in the Bastardship of the Ring Tournament...
…”UP ALL NIGHT” PABLO O’CONNOR!!!
KM: There are a lot of people in the back that are not pleased with this turn of events.
Pinhead: I’m sure O’Connor may end up paying for this if he doesn’t watch his back.
KM: Holden, Malone, Fox… all disgusted. Surely this will play out over the coming weeks.
Pinhead: O’Connor is heading to Dallas, joining Jerry “Pure Power” in the Bastardship of the Ring.
Slush: Pablo just cancer punched the suck out of this place. Good on him!
KM: This brings us to the end of our show. And I guess, we must bid you farewell.
Slush: We can leave? Oh thank god!
KM: Where are you headed next?
Pinhead: New Orleans.
Slush: New Orleans? What the Hell is in New Orleans?
[Pinhead reaches into his pocket and pulls out a neon green flier. He unfolds it and passes it along to Slush.]
KM: What is it?
Slush: We’re really going to a rave?
Pinhead: Flip it over.
Slush: The Bastard… we’re going to the Bastard Underground? _THE_ Bastard Underground! They’ll steal my kidneys and make the ugly sex with my face! They’re evil!
Pinhead: All the better reason to go.
Slush: Is it wrong that I want to stay with Tom Landis?
[Somewhere, Tom Landis shivers.
Fade to sweet merciful black.]
Everything I learned about soccer, I learned from Dro.
Posted: May 10 2012, 02:50 PM
Amigo, I ain't anybody but Juan Vasquez!
Group: Super Members
Member No.: 15
Joined: 17-January 05
Posted: May 11 2012, 10:19 PM
The Luther Burger
Group: Super Members
Member No.: 71
Joined: 14-April 05
I did a review on Mark Out Mania 15 Part 1! Great show!