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Posted: Dec 12 2005, 12:43 AM
Shocked Woona is Shocked
Group: Super Members
Member No.: 18
Joined: 18-January 05
[Camera opens on “BIG” AL LIEBERMAN standing in the backstage interview area in front of a large blue tarp with the KEW logo emblazoned upon it. He is flanked on either side by “The Übergeeks”, BRAD to his right and BLAKE to his left. BRAD is clothed in an “original series” style “Star Trek” uniform shirt, colored blue, and wears a pair of prosthetic, pointed “Vulcan” style tips upon his ears, along with his usual unitard and taped together “nerd” style glasses. BLAKE is clothed in a similar style to BRAD, only his uniform shirt is yellow. “BIG” AL looks to the camera and speaks.]
AL: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. “Big” Al Lieberman here, and as you Can see, I’m set to interview a pair of... (shoots a pair of curious looks towards BRAD and BLAKE on either side of him) Well... Rather UNIQUE young men who seem to forget that Halloween was almost a month ago… But who will be competing in a three-way tag-team match tonight. They are Brad and Blake, “The Übergeeks”!
[“BIG” AL turns towards BLAKE and, after giving him another curious look, speaks into the microphone]
AL: Umm… “Blake” I believe it is, why don’t we start with you? Tonight, you’ll be facing not one, but two tag-teams in the form of the Taylor Twins and two of the Four Jacks, the Jack of Diamonds and the Jack of Clubs. Your thoughts?
[“BIG” AL holds up the microphone towards BLAKE. BLAKE stares at “BIG” AL as though he, literally, were from another planet. He then speaks in a halting, overly-dramatic manner, his arms gesticulating wildly the whole time. BLAKE is obviously trying to do a (rather poor) William Shatner impression.]
BLAKE: Spoooooock! This... STRANGE and BIZARRE creature... Seems to be... Attempting to... COMMUNICATE with us!
[As “BIG” AL stares confusedly at BLAKE, BRAD begins to speak, his voice and demeanor calm and calculating as “BIG” AL tries with some difficulty to move the microphone between the two of them.]
BRAD: It would appear so, Captain.
BLAKE: QUICK, Spock! You must per-... FORM... The Vulcan Mind-Meld on this... Creature!
[“BIG” AL speaks perplexedly into the mike]
AL: Vulcan Mi-... What on earth are you- ?
[BRAD places his fingertips on “BIG” AL’s temples]
AL: HEY! What do you think you’re- ?
[BRAD closes his eyes calmly and “shushes” “BIG” AL as he begins softly chanting.]
BRAD: Shhhh! My mind to your mind… My thoughts to your thoughts… My mind to your mind... My thoughts to your-...
[BRAD raises an eyebrow, his eyes remaining closed]
BLAKE: What... IS it, Spock?
BRAD: I am detecting no brain activity whatsoever, Captain. A most curious sensation. I suddenly have a desire to see motion pictures directed by someone named... “Uwe Boll”?
[“BIG” AL breaks away from BRAD’s fingers and starts yelling into the microphone, obviously perturbed]
AL: Now WAIT a minute! You know, I¹ve put up with plenty of garbage in my time, but if you think I’m just going to STAND here and let myself get INSULTED by a couple of “Star Trek” obsessed NERDS who’ve probably NEVER had a DATE in their LIVES then you’ve got anoth- !
[BRAD places a few fingers upon the base of “BIG” AL’s shoulder. “BIG”
AL instantly collapses onto the floor, unconscious. BRAD and BLAKE look down onto the collapsed body of “BIG” AL.]
BRAD: I didn’t want to do that, but it seemed the only logical thing to do.
BLAKE: You... Did the right thing... Spock! Now... Let¹s get... Back to the ship so... We can... WATCH... “The Übergeeks” on... KEW wrestling!
BRAD: An excellent suggestion, Captain. After all, “The Übergeeks” are known galaxy-wide as the-...
[BRAD and BLAKE momentarily “break character” to glare into the camera and announce their trademark catchphrase together.]
BRAD/BLAKE: BEST... TAG-TEAM... EVER!
[BRAD and BLAKE slip back into “character” and BLAKE flips open a genuine Star-Trek communicator replica, which beeps a few times before BLAKE speaks into it.]
BLAKE: Scotty... Two to beam up!
[BRAD and BLAKE are suddenly covered with a bright light (actually a dirt-cheap television special effect that wouldn’t convince a 2-year-old) and disappear (in an obvious camera-cut). “BIG” AL regains consciousness and slowly makes his way to his feet, back into the camera-shot, groaning and rubbing his temples as he looks side-to-side in confusion.]
Al: Owww, my HEAD! Now where did they run off to?
[Cue up the music, "Born To Raise Hell" by Motorhead & Ice-T playing over the clips of action and then we dissolve into the credits...
KEW PRESENTS _THE LION'S DEN -- NOVEMBER 28TH, 2005 -- TULSA CONVENTION CENTER -- TULSA, OK_
...a slow dissolve through the graphics. As we pan across the cheering fans, we see numerous signs being shown off by the Kenzer faithful...
"DAM, I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE ANYTIME!"
"TOODLES, DANNY DANIELS!"
"OUTSOURCE RAVI KAPOOR!"
...finally, we make our way to our trusty commentator, Jackie Trainor and perhaps the not-so trusty commentator Phil Anderson.]
PA: Ha! I don't know which is more pathetic...those two delusional dorks who still live in their parents' basement or Big Al getting owned by them!
JT: I supposed I should be relieved he didn't say "pwned". [sighing] Welcome again to the Lion's Den, Tulsa! You just saw the Ubergeeks, one of the three teams who'll be participating in our Triangle Tag Team main event. They'll be facing off against the Taylor Twins and Jaq of Diamonds and Jax of Clubs of the Four Jacks. Whoever wins that match might make a good arguement to be the number one contender to the KEW Tag Team belts after our January Pay Per View!
PA: Yeah, about that...how come we haven't gotten a name for it yet?!
JT: Also, you saw this match made on War Cries, Rook will face Gamma Ray in singles action again tonight. Our so-called "superhero" is trying to once more get Rook kicked out of KEW. Commissioner White said she'd consider another "Loser Leaves KEW" match for the PPV...but Gamma Ray has to prove he can actually beat Rook cleanly for starters!
PA: That's slander, kid! Gamma Ray is the patron saint of fair play!
JT: And should Gamma Ray lose or not win cleanly, it'll be Mask vs. Mask between those two. Commissioner White also ordered a rematch between Akiruu Belathiel and Ravi Kapoor. I can't believe that pig actually had the nerve to demand a stipulation when HE walked out of the match in the first place!
PA: You're making too big a deal of things, kid! Ravi only wants to add a little spice and excitement for the fans! Besides, the stip's only gonna be in place if Pixie Stick agrees to it. He's a gentleman, after all!
JT: Well, we still don't know what the stipulation is, but we should hear from Akiruu Belathiel later on in the program. Folks, our first match tonight has D-Next's Brown Eyed Slayer squaring off against another of the Four Jacks, the Jak of Hearts.
PA: "Four Jacks"? Sheesh...and I thought _I_ had a gambling problem....
BROWN EYED SLAYER
JAK OF HEARTS
written by MS
MC: This next match is one fall, with a twenty minute time limit! Introducing first, from Corpus Christi, Texas, weighing 130 pounds, here is one-half of Degeneration Next, THE BROWN-EYED SLAYER!
["Another One Bites the Dust" plays over the PA system and the crowd boos as the Brunette rushes down to ringside. The Slayer is wearing a white spandex halter and
black spandex pants. She climbs the ropes and delivers a backflip, landing with the splits as she lands.]
RA: And her opponent... from Atlantic City, New Jersey, weighing 140 pounds, accompanied to the ring by the Jack of Spades, here is the JAK OF HEARTS!
[The music changes to "It's Time To Party" by Andrew W.K. as the strawberry-blonde perky wrestler appears and the crowd gives a nice sized pop as she's A) new to KEW and not the Slayer. She's wearing a t-shirt and black pants with hearts cut out of the upper legs. A silver choke chain is around her neck, and hearts are painted on each side of her face. She grins and waves as she runs down the aisle and enters the ring. Behind her is the Jack of Spades, a more serious gentleman and fellow member of the Jacks.]
JT: This should be a good match, as the Jak of Hearts debuts against one half of Degeneration Next.
PA: Well, the Jacks aren't rookies by any means, but they are new to KEW, so the Slayer should have the home field advantage tonight.
((DING DING DING))
[Instead of locking up, the Brown-Eyed Slayer and the Jak of Hearts both come out with the same idea, launching at each other with a dropkick! Both quickly get to their feet, and the Slayer charges off the ropes at Jak nailing a cross-bodyblock. She doesn't get a one count before JoH kicks out, and Slayer picks up JoH and whips her to the opposite ropes. On the rebound, Slayer leapfrogs over Jak. On the opposite rebound, Slayer ducks underneath, only to be caught by a sunset flip! Slayer kicks out before one, and both grapplers get up slowly.]
JT: Wow! Both women started off trying to use their speed and high flying ability, and right now it's a draw.
PA: These ladies spend more time in the air than most airline stewardesses.
[They lock up, and Jak grabs Slayer in a headlock. Slayer lifts JoH up and drops her in an atomic drop, then bulldogs her to the mat. Slayer drops a knee onto Jak, then covers...
Slayer leaps up for an elbowdrop, but Jak rolls out of the way, then greets the rising BES with a spinning roundhouse kick!]
JT: Jak with a series of kicks, driving the Brown-Eyed Slayer back.
PA: Yeah- towards the corner with the grumpy Jack of Spades. I don't like this- Slayer is outnumbered here.
JT: Spades hasn't done anything except stand there.
PA: And look at her with that sour expression! He's ruining Slayer's karma! Her entire inner being is shaken up!
[Jak whips Slayer to the corner, but as Jak charges in, Slayer catches her with a superkick. Slayer makes the cover...
Slayer grabs Jak in a front facelock, and lifts... by Jak holds on, lifts, and takes the Slayer over with a vertical suplex! Jak picks up Slayer onto her shoulders, climbs up to the second ropes, grins, and falls back for a Samoan Drop! Jak hooks the leg for the cover...
Jak starts to go up to the top rope, but as she gets to the top, Slayer gets back to her feet. Slayer charges in to the corner Jak in standing on, but Jak leaps over Slayer and lands on her feet. Slayer crashes into the turnbuckle, and as BES turns around, JoH delivers a cartwheel kick. Slayer hits the mat, and Jak climbs the ropes again.]
JT: Jak of Hearts is signaling for the Heartbreaker, her kneedrop finisher! If she hits this the match could be ov... we've got company!
PA: Here's Brimstone with a chair! I think he's looking for revenge!
[Brimstone does climb on the ring apron, chair in hand. Instead of going for Slayer, he aims the chair at the Jak of Hearts, though. Before he can swing, the Jack of Spades climbs up and grabs the chair, engaging in a tug-of war with Brimstone.]
JT: What the heck is Brimstone doing, trying to attack the Jak of Hearts with the chair?
PA: Don't you see? It's brilliant! Brimstone can't touch the Brown-Eyed Slayer or her partner. So he costs her the match without touching her at all. These teams truly hate each other.
[As Spades and Brimstone fight over the chair, JoH leaps off with the Heartbreaker. The referee, seeing that the two outside men are not interfering, makes the count...
((DING DING DING))
JT: Jak of Hearts win! She goes outside the ring to help Jack of Spades, who is fighting with Brimstone.
PA: A chop by Spades has stunned Brimstone enough to drop the chair, but he's firing back with punches of his own.
JT: The Jacks cannot be happy that their victory was marred by Brimstone's presence.
PA: Yeah, and... the chair has just been picked up by the Brown-Eyed Slayer!
JT: She just leveled Brimstone with the chair! Brimstone hits the floor as security rushes to the ring.
PA: Brimstone is down and staying down- after last Lion's Den, he doesn't want to tussle with security again.
JT: Brimstone isn't the target this time- it's the Brown-Eyed Slayer! She did attack Brimstone with the chair, and broke the no-contact rule between the teams. The Jacks are celebrating Jak of Heart's win, as security takes back Slayer.
PA: Man, Brimstone pulled a Chuck Finley there! But now Legion has one less obstacle getting in the way of the Tag Belts AND a pummeling of the Firewalkers at the Pay Per View!
JT: Despite Brimstone showing up, at least Jak of Hearts won cleanly in her debut. A good start for the Four Jacks...wonder if they'll carry over the momentum in the Main Event?
[The Kenzertron comes to life. A low bass rumble echoes over the PA system as grey clouds billow on the Kenzertron. Over the bass rumbling, a solo voice is heard:]
"The Thrill of Victory.
The Joy of Competition.
The Adulation of the Fans.
Many wrestlers compete in KEW for such reasons."
[The rumbling bass sound suddenly quits, leaving only the man's voice]
"These people are fools."
[The billowing clouds fade away, leaving only a mountaintop image on the Kenzertron.]
"Wins. Titles. Money. This is the only measuring stick that matters. And by that standard, I will be the master."
[The mountaintop fades, leaving one last message: COMING SOON...]
JT: That was...odd.
PA: Can't fight that logic though! About time somebody tells it like it is!
JT: Hopefully we'll get some more information about our mysterious speaker, but next up, the Oni takes on Frankie the Lunatic. Frankie attacked "Prototype" Shigeru Kota towards the end of his debut match last Lion's Den.
PA: Yeah, Frankie used Kota's eye for an ashtray!
JT: [grimacing] We're not sure about that but there's still no word on Kota's status.
FRANKIE THE LUNATIC
written by KW
["Chop Suey" by System of a Down starts up over the PA, eliciting a round of boos from the Tulsa crowd at the arrival of a sneering Frankie the Lunatic. As he walks down the aisle, he just flips off the disapproving audience. After a few seconds, the music switches over to "Dido's Lament (Techno Remix)", signalling the arrival of the Oni, who also seems uncaring about what the audience thinks of him.]
JT: It doesn't seem the crowd is behind either man. Frankie's all but blown off the fans with his words and actions so far, but the Oni hasn't really done much to endear himself to people either.
PA: The adoration of the crowd is overrated.
JT: I see you're still fixated on the words of our unknown speaker...
[As the bell rings, Frankie is still mouthing off at a few fans so Oni blasts Frankie from behind! Oni starts delivering a series of chops before grabbing Frankie's arm and whipping him to the ropes. On the rebound, Oni goes for a boot, but Frankie catches the foot and trips up Oni, then drops an elbow onto him. Slamming Oni's head back onto the canvas, the Lunatic sneers and spreads his opponent's legs apart, then...]
JT: Barely a minute into the match and already the crotch is targeted!
[Frankie then picks up the Oni by the hair, but a chop to the throat slows down Frankie, and the Oni takes advantage by taking Frankie down with a kneelift. He follows up by grabbing Frankie's leg and stomping away at the back of Frankie's knee, then turning into a spinning toehold. He gets two revolutions before Frankie reaches up for a small package, getting a one count before the Oni kicks out.]
JT: Fast start by both competitors.
[Both men get back to their feet, and the Oni charges for a clothesline. Frankie ducks underneath, then delivers a superkick to the Oni's chin, sending his opponent crashing to the mat. Frankie jumps up to the second turnbuckle and bounces off, landing a guillotine legdrop onto the Chinese wrestler. Instead of covering, he begins choking the Oni blatantly, releasing at the four count. He picks up the Oni and whips him to the ropes, catching him with an ugly-looking tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! He covers...
JT: Frankie's not liking that! He's complaing about a slow count. But mouthing off to referee Curtis O'Brien isn't going to help matters!
[Frankie starts to lift the Oni up, but the Oni catches him off guard with a rake of the eyes. The Oni follows up by grabbing the hair and driving Frankie to the mat with a bulldog. He places his boot over Frankie's throat and begins choking him out, arguing with the referee to gain more time for his illegal move. The ref sees what's happening though and threatens the Oni with disqualification.]
JT: O'Brien's always been a bit loose with the rules, but even he has his limits. And given how both Frankie and the Oni seem to have so little respect, he's going to have his hands full!
PA: Hell, he's little more than a formality here. Might as well let them kill each other!
[Frankie tries to pull himself up, but his opponent is waiting with a forearm smash. The Oni picks up and bodyslams Frankie, then drops an elbow onto his chest. The Oni lifts Frankie, smacking him on the back of his head with a backhand. Frankie quickly gets to his feet, spins around, and swings at the Oni, who ducks out of the way and doubles over Frankie with a boot to the stomach. He grabs Frankie in a front facelock and goes for a vertical suplex...]
JT: The Lunatic reverses! And now it's Frankie who smacks the Oni in the back of his head.
[Frankie takes the Oni over, then grabs his head and begins delivering shots with the knee to the back of the Oni's skull. The fourth one completely flips the Oni over, and as his foe struggles to get to his feet, Frankie grabs the Oni, lifts up...]
JT: Falcon Arrow! Frankie covers...
[Screaming and swearing all the while, Frankie stomps away some more at the Oni, then lifts him up, and sets him on the top turnbuckle. He softens him up with some more fists, drawing a warning from the referee that Frankie shrugs away as he climbs up himself.]
JT: What's Frankie up to?
PA: Whatever it is, it's not gonna be pretty, kid!
JT: Oni's trying to get loose...Frankie leaps... OH! SUPER FISHERMANBUSTER!! And the Oni is NOT moving!
PA: I think Looney Tunes just caved Bozo's head in with that!
[Frankie gets up to his feet, a malicious glint now in his eyes. O'Brien goes over to check on the Oni, but the Lunatic shoves the official aside and grabs the fallen man by the throat, dragging him to the ringpost. Frankie then begins to slam the Oni's head against the hard steel post over and over. The official tries to pry Frankie off, but it's to no avail and the ref has no choice but to call for the DQ.]
JT: Somebody get Security in there!
[However, suddenly running down the aisle is a bandaged "Prototype" Shigeru Kota! Armed with a steel chair, Prototype swings for the fences and connects to the back of Frankie's skull. The Lunatic staggers back as Kota rips the bandage off his face, revealing no permanent injury to his eye. The two men then struggle for control of the chair, but Security finally arrives to pull the two of them apart and finally pushes them out of the ring in opposite directions.]
PA: Ever get the feeling those two don't like each other?
[Camera zooms in on "Big" Al Lieberman holding a mic. From the right, Dam, dressed in his casual streetwear of jeans and a t-shirt steps into view. He's holding a piece of paper in this hand.]
BAL: I'm here backstage with one half of the Firewalkers, Dam. What brings you out here?
Dam: What? You saying that since I'm not on the card tonight, I can't be here?
BAL: Um, no, I'm just...
Dam: Heh, don't sweat it Al, I'm just messing with ya. But I have something to discuss though. First things first: Good Evening Tulsa!!!
[Crowd POP! YAY! He mentioned us!]
[Somewhere in the background you can a hear a bitter sounding male voice saying: "Bah, milking for applause!" followed quickly by a female voice: "Shh, be quiet!"]
Dam: Now as you know Al, with the Firewalkers winning their match in Topeka, we've now seen all the participants for the Tag Title match in action. Interestingly, I was surfing the web yesterday, and stumbled over to www.philandersonsucks.com...
[Again, you can hear a male voice in the background, this time with a bit more volume: "HEY!", followed by a snickering female voice: "Shh, be quiet!"]
Dam: ... and there was a poll there, asking who do you think will be the first ever KEW Tag Team Champions. And I have the results right here. Would you like to know what the people think?
BAL: Of course.
Dam: Well, it seems like the KEW fans know a good thing when they see one. Coming out on top were The Firewalkers, with 80% of the votes! Legion got 15% and Degeneration Next only 5%.
BAL: Just many people voted on this poll?
Dam: Huh? Oh, let's see. Looks like some 50+ people voted in this poll.
BAL: Can I see that?
[Dam hands Al the piece of paper. Al briefly checks it.]
BAL: Um, Dam?
BAL: Says here the poll was started by a person on these forums who uses the name "Dam".
Dam (snicker): Yeah, what's your point? I mean, can I help it if people like my name? Not to mention the man.
[Dam casts a sideways glance into the camera and winks.]
Dam: Al, you don't actually believe that I would post with my own name on www.philandersonsucks.com?
BAL: Um, well, I guess not.
Dam: Of course not. I mean, while he might not have a nice thing to say about the Firewalkers, even Phil doesn't think so, do you buddy?
[Location changes to the arena announcer position, where we see a smiling Jackie Trainor and annoyed Phil Anderson. Backstage showing BAL and Dam can be seen on the Kenzertron.]
PA: I'm not your 'buddy', you rat-punk!
Dam (laughing): Oh, come on Phil! Get off you high-horse.
Dam: I only came out here to greet the crowd and enjoy the show, but these arenas are funny places. You never know what's gonna happen. Take this evening for example. I was walking the corridors, trying to grasp the mood of the place, the wrestlers, everything. I walk down this one corridor and suddenly, I guess the doors were open in just the right places, but I swear this one door just popped open and all sorts of stuff came flying out of the room. I'd heard arenas can be drafty places, but this was the first I'd seen this happen. Wasn't going to pay any attention to it, but there was this one photo that I couldn't quite believe I was seeing it. So I picked it up and thought I'd share with you good folks here in the arena and at home.
[Dam reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a photo. He shows it first to BAL.]
BAL (eyes wide): Oh my!
[Dam then turns the photo into the camera. It is a picture of Phil Anderson in lingerie. And not just any lingerie, the full set. High heels, stay-up stokings, garter belt, thong, bra, all in screaming pink! Crowd POP!]
PA(livid and shouting): You sniveling little bastard!!! (looking at the audience around close to the announce position and pointing at the Kenzertron) That's a doctored photo!!! He's put my body on someone else's face!!! I mean, my head on someone else's body!!!
[Crowd doesn't seem to be hearing Phil. They appear to be laughing too hard.]
Dam: Doctored? (takes a closer look at the picture) Oh, I see what you mean. Al, don't you agree? I mean look here (points at the abdomen area). Surely Phil has had someone do a little photo editing with this bit. I mean I can almost see a six-pack. And those shoulders, I mean those appear too wide for Phil. I think we all know he pads his suits. Jackie, you work closely with the man, what do you think?
[Camera zooms in on Jackie.]
JT: Sorry, Dam. No comment.
PA (turns to look at JT): What?! You're not backing me up?!
[Jackie merely shakes her head at Phil. Her eyes clearly reveal that she is enjoying this, yet her face isn't giving anything away. Though it does seem like she's trying very, very hard to keep from laughing out. And succeeding. Barely.]
PA: Dam!!! You little piece of [bleep]!!! I'll not forget this!!!
Dam (smiling): Time will tell I guess. But I think I've done enough good for one day. Al, as always, been a pleasure talking to you. I'll take my leave and go watch the show. Enjoy the show Tulsa!!!
[Crowd POP! As Dam walks off the camera and the screen goes black, you can just hear BAL snickering in the background before the sound gets cut. Cut back to Jackie and a VERY livid Phil.]
PA: Why, that dirty no good fu--!!
JT: Gotta cut you off for a bit, Phil. I just got word that our cameras finally caught up to Akiruu Belathiel and she's got an answer for Ravi Kapoor and his stipulation!
[Akiruu Belathiel is backstage. She has a look of determination.]
AB: So, I see that you are a coward as well as a pig, Ravi. Couldn’t handle a woman beating you now could you? It was hard for you to admit defeat to the likes of what you think is the weaker sex. Well as you see, I am not as weak as you thought I’d be. So you ran away like a cowardly dog. But you see, you will meet me again because I know you are thinking in your blackened heart that it was a fluke. I couldn’t be a winner like that. You must have been having a bad day. So come back in the ring with me and we’ll see what happens. But this time, Mr. Kapoor, I want you in a no disqualification, falls count anywhere match! Do you accept or are you a coward?
[Cut back to the commentators.]
JT: She's agreed to it!
PA: Pfft...now who's the one making demands?!
JT: For all we know, those were the stipulations Kapoor wanted anyway. And I, for one, can't wait to see that sexist windbag get what he deserves!
PA: Ravi told me he loves it when you play hard to get like this.
[Jackie just stares daggers at Phil.]
"MR. BOLLYWOOD" RAVI KAPOOR
written by KW
MC: This next match is scheduled as a LAST MAN STANDING match!
MC: Coming down to the ring first, from St. George, Utah and weighing one hundred and fifty seven pounds... AKIRUU BELATHIEL!
[As "Eye" by Smashing Pumpkins begins to play she runs out to the ring and when she gets in the ring she stands on the top rope by the turnbuckle and raises her arms. Then she brings them down and the lights in the arena turn off. She raises her hands again and red pyrotechnics explode from all four turnbuckles. Then she shoots a couple of t-shirts into the crowd with her special bow and arrows. The t-shirts say on the front: Elf Maiden and on the back: With an Attitude!]
JT: A Last Man Standing match...I have to give Kapoor credit for once. I was honestly expecting him to do something tacky like a mud wrestling pit.
PA: I knew you had the hots for him!
MC: Her opponent, from Chicago, Illinois and weighing one hundred and eighty-two pounds... "MR. BOLLYWOOD" RAVI KAPOOR!
["(Rock) Superstar" by Cypress Hill cues up over the loudspeakers and the Tulsa crowd begins to boo and jeer heavily for the Calcutta Casanova. Kapoor isn't coming to the ring by himself this time as he's accompanied by his lawyer/business manager, Basil Charles Albert Lawson-Carlyle the Third. While Akiruu yells impatiently at her opponent to "hurry up!", Ravi just casually strolls down the aisle, pausing to flirt with a pretty girl here and there all the while.]
JT: Ugh...now he's stalling!
PA: Looks like both you and Herself the Elf just have a bad case of the green eyed monster.
JT: Don't even go there.
[Ravi finally rolls into the ring, giving ring announcer Maureen Carter a playful swat on the butt as he kips up to his feet, eliciting more jeers from the crowd and a shocked look from Maureen. Kapoor then lounges in his corner, blowing a kiss and giving a little wave to the glaring Elf Maiden.]
JT: Referee Andy Dietz is looking to get this Last Man Standing match underway in a few seconds. Fans, for those of you who don't know, a Last Man Standing match differs from a standard match in the following ways: there are no disqualifications, no count-outs and no pinfalls per se. If a wrestler is knocked down, that person must try to get back up to their feet before the count of ten is over. These matches can be absolutely grueling! Now the key--wait a minute, what's Ravi's lawyer doing?
[Indeed, Mr. Carlyle seems to be in a heated discussion with the official as he gestures to the document he's holding. He then points over to Akiruu, then over to his client and back to the document. Dietz looks confused for a moment, then he shrugs and goes over to the ring announcer. They talk for a few minutes, then...]
MC: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been informed that, due to the nature of this match and the stipulations agreed upon [She shoots a look at Dietz as if to say "Are you serious?!", who just nods.] which state, quote, Last _MAN_ Standing, unquote and being that only one participant involved meets that qualification, the winner by default is...
..."MR BOLLYWOOD" RAVI KAPOOR!
[Needless to say, the Tulsa crowd EXPLODES into boos!]
PA: Bwhahahahahahahaha! That was BRILLIANT! Absolutely brilliant!
[The Elf Maiden's face is nearly purple with rage as she launches herself at Ravi and his lawyer, who wisely and quickly interpose the hapless official in her path before they retreat. With Belathiel trying to detangle herself from Dietz, Ravi only grins as he backs up the aisle, pausing to blow one more kiss at Akiruu before he vanishes back under the Kenzertron. After a few moments, Akiruu leaves the ring, anger clear on her face.]
JT: I can't believe the mockery Ravi Kapoor made of that match!
PA: Oh, cry me a river, Jackie...Tooth Fairy only has herself to blame! After all, she didn't have to agree to the stipulation.
JT: You know as well as I do Kapoor and his lawyer weaseled their way to a win due to a misrepresentation of what "last man standing" means! This was a set-up just to humiliate Akiruu Belathiel!
PA: And a beautiful way at that...admit it, his brains turns you on, don't they?
JT: I won't even dignify that with a response. Coming up next, Rook faces Gamma Ray and here's hoping Rook shows that fake hero what for!
PA: I bet someone's craving tandoori right now...
(to be continued in part 2)