["Zoo Station" by U2 cues up as images of action by Kenzer Empire Wrestling's finest flash upon the screen.
KEW PRESENTS...WAR CRIES!!!
Slow dissolve from the graphics as we fade up into our modest studio. Pan over to our host, "Big" Al Lieberman, whose nickname seems more appropriate than usual this week as it looks like Al had far too many helpings of pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving. Al shuffles his papers before turning to the camera.]
BAL: Welcome again to War Cries, folks! As always, I'm "Big" Al Lieberman, bringing you up to date with what's happening in Kenzer Empire Wrestling. This week, KEW takes the Lion's Den over to Tulsa, Oklahoma, where our main event is a Tag Team Triangle match showcasing our three new teams the Ubergeeks, the Taylor Twins and Jax of Clubs and Jaq of Diamonds of the Four Jacks. Commissioner White's putting a lot of faith in these three teams, but I think it's warranted.
BAL: Meanwhile, previously in Topeka we saw Rook, Gamma Ray and Danny "Your Hero" Daniels ALL put their careers on the line in a Loser Leaves the Fed match! Gamma Ray and Daniels tried to get the better of Rook, but in the end the so-called "Heroics" squabbled about who would get to pin the luchador and Rook pinned Danny Daniels. The cameras were still rolling after Daniels got the boot...here's what went down!
[The crowd is united, gleefully singing “Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye.” In the ring, now, only Commissionner Katie White, Rook and Gamma Ray remain, the latter on his knees, practically crying. As he gets up and reaches for a microphone, a few loud boo's erupt from the crowd.]
JT: I thought that all that was needed to be said was said, Phil! What does Gamma Ray want to say now?
PA: Zip it, Jackie, whatever it is, I bet it's important!
GR: This is all your fault, Rook! Denizen Daniels was a hundred times the man you'll ever be! You should be the one to be escorted out right now! YOU!!
Rook: Really? Then why did you interrupt the count, idiota estúpido?
GR: Because I'm going to get you fired, ME! Mister White, here, will give us a rematch, and when you lose, you'll be fired, too! Right, Mister White? Right?
KW: I don't think so, no. All you ever do, Gamma Ray, is whine, cheat, and demand things you've never earned. I'm not inclined to give you what you want at all. I prefer hiring and firing who I want, when I want. I made an exception and I gave you this match, and you blew it. This was your chance.
GR: Whah? Buh... Can't you see that the only way to resolve this situation is to get rid of Rook? No matter how small he is, the KEW ain't big enough for the two of us!
Rook: Hey! Want me to kick your butt again, perdedor? I'll do it again right here and now!
KW: No fighting! Show's over! If you're going to have a match, wait until next Lion's Den!
GR: But you see what I'm talking about, right? One of us has to go! In fact, if Rook doesn't get fired right now, I quit!
Rook: Muy bien!
PA: So... who's going?
JT: I don't know, Phil. I just don't know.
GR: Go home, Rook, yer fired! [imitates Donald Trump] “You're fired!” Ha! Ha!
KW: No he's not.
KW: You just quit!
GR: No I didn't! No! Wait! [crowd chants “Hey Hey Goodbye” again] Stop singing, I'm not quitting!! Ok, ok... What do I have to do to get Rook fired, huh? Shall I drive you to the next show in my luxurious Gammamobile? What?
KW: I'll pass on the ride, but there's one thing you can do! If, in Tulsa, you can beat Rook cleanly – no cheating, no interferences, no “super-powers,” - maybe I'll consider giving you a “Loser gets fired” at the upcoming PPV.
GR: Ha! Ha! Yesssss!
KW: But I'll say it right now, I'm not too fond of that idea!
Rook: If you don't like it, why not a Mask vs Mask match?
KW: Oh, that's good! If Rook wins in Tulsa, we'll have a Mask vs Mask match at the PPV!
GR: Mask vs Mask?? But that's a lose-lose situation!! If somehow I lose my mask, my secret identity is revealed and the world loses it's greatest hero and protector – If Rook loses his mask, it'll make everyone puke! And that could create a tidal wave of bile and vomit of cataclysmic proportions!
Rook: That does it!
[Rook advances towards GR, ready to knock him out]
KW: I said no fighting!
GR: Yeah, creep! How can you think of brawling when your Uncle Sasquatch is in the hospital! Pfft! No class! If you had any family values whatsoever, you'd be at his bedside, you vile little [bleep!]
Rook: I called for a taxi before the match, and it should be waiting for me right now in the parking lot, ready to take me to my uncle's side! Make no mistake about it, you're going to pay for that!
GR: Pay for what? Denizen Daniels and I arrived too late to save him, but we did make sure he was “taken care of!” heh! heh!
[The crowd loudly boos]
Rook: You think I don't know it was your doing?
GR: Oooh, what are you gonna do about it, huh? Wanna fight? I'm right here! Come get some!
Rook: You'll get yours, trust me! But it'll have to wait. Nothing's more important than familia, nothing! [Rook turns to leave]
GR: Hah! What a coward! Chicken! Pok! Pok! Pok! Poooaaaack!”
JT: Oh, Rook is torn! He doesn't know if he should kick Gamma Ray's arse or head over to the hospital right away!
PA: Nonsense, Rook is just a coward, that's all! Look, he's leaving!
JT: Just shows his priorities are right! Family comes first!
[Rook's leaving the ring, heading for the ropes. But Gamma Ray sees his chances and lunges at him from behind! Just in time, Rook reverses and whips the heel over the tope rope and out of the ring! The luchador runs in the opposite derection, springs back off the ropes and leaps over the top rope crashing atop Gamma Ray in a flying body press! Huge crowd pop!! Rook hops back up, and ignoring his own pain kicks GR a couple of times.]
Rook: [looking down at GR] We'll finish this later, Punta!
[Now, he turns towards the ramp and runs backstage, likely heading straight for the local hospital.]
JT: Wow! Looks like we have a pretty important rematch at the next Lion's Den, Phil! And we're heading for a Mask VS Mask match at the PPV!
PA: What? We're getting a Loser gets fired match at the PPV, Jackie, didn't you hear?
JT: We're only getting that match if Gamma Ray can win cleanly... and let's be honest, Phil, he couldn't do that to save his life!
PA: And Rook could never win against a real life Super-Hero, Jackie! Never!
JT: He already did weeks ago, and he did again tonight!
[Fade back to Big Al.]
BAL: There you have it, fans, another match set for this week! In Tulsa, we'll know what kind of match we're getting at the PPV! If Rook wins, it's a “Mask VS Mask” match. However, if Gamma Ray comes up on top, it looks like we might be treated to another “Loser Leaves KEW” match!
[He clears his throat.]
BAL: Another man seeing action in Tulsa for this next Lion's Den is Frankie the Lunatic. Last time out, Frankie visciously attacked a debuting "Prototype" Shigeru Kota towards the end of his match, no doubt in response to the assault Kota had against him in his own debut! Still no word as of yet on Kota's status.
FRANKIE THE LUNATIC
[Fade in from black. Franky the Lunatic stands in front of a KEW banner. He stand for about a minute not saying anything out loud, but simply rubbing his face with his hands, his eyes bugging out. He mumbles some words to himself, but nothing audible. Finally he snaps out of it and turns to the camera and speaks.]
FTL: They wondered what I'd do and I showed them. I f[bleep]in' _showed_ them. That Jap, whatever his name was, thought he was all high and mighty when he got his nose buried deep in _my sh[bleep]_. I don't think so. You f[bleep] around in my business and I take you the f[bleep] out. Simple as that. You mess around in my s[bleep] and I get crazy. I come out and burn the f[bleep] out of your eye.
[He takes a cigarette, lights it, and takes a DEEP breath. He exhales, slowly pouring the smoke out of his lungs.]
FTL: Take that as a lesson, you peeps in KEW. I don't know who I'm facing next. Some d[bleep]khole who doesn't know s[bleep]. Son, I'm the king of not only talking tough, but backing it up. I'm not just some douchebag who talks big and sallies up when he gets in the ring. I mean, what do you get out of fighting a guy like me?
FTL: You pin me, I'll just get back up and take out your knees. You make me tap, I jump you backstage and break your arm. I beat _you_?
FTL: I spit on you and kick you when you're down.
[Pause. He rubs his face, his eyes bugging out again.]
FTL: You want a "heel"? I'll give you one. Go ahead, boo me. Or hell, be one of those f[bleep]in' rebellious teenage kids who hate their f[bleep]in' parents and think "I want to cheer this guy because I go against authority! I go against the norm! Shut up Dad, you don't understand me!"
[He does a mocking sob.]
FTL: Well go ahead and cheer for me...and I'll _still_ spit in your face, your Mother's face, your f[bleep]in' mongoloid sister's face...and walk off laughing.
[He flips off the camera.]
FTL: It's time for another slaughter. Let's do this.
[He storms off. Fade. From off camera, Al gets handed a paper.]
BAL: We would like to assure our Japanese fans out there that Frankie the Lunatic's views do not reflect the rest of KEW's staff or management. [Frowning, he shakes his head a little.] We just recently got this next tape, so I don't know what's on it. Only that it says: "Story of Dam (so far...)".
[BAL puts the tape into the VCR. Camera zooms in on the TV screen.]
[The opening credits appears, as though this will be a movie from the black and white era of cinema. Then, funky 80s music starts playing. And finally, the screen reveals a game! Graphically it looks like something from the late 80s - early 90s.
Opening cut scene is a number of still screens, which show JRollins getting ambushed by the forces of evil. Screen then remains black for a moment, afterwards revealing the words: "Level 1 - Revenge".
The game itself is a 2D platform beat-em-up. The main character is a fairly close rendering of real-life Dam. In the first level, he mainly battles through faceless enemies, though they do have somewhat of a druidy feel to them. Finally, Dam reaches the end of the level. The sound of a toilet being flushed comes from the speakers, then the level-boss arrives from the men's restroom. Oddly, there is no sound of him washing his hands to be heard. Or perhaps not that odd, the "boss" is the spitting image of BRIMSTONE! Even his "trademark" stench has been animated, as he is surrounded by an clearly visible cloud of protection.
Dam is at first on the receiving end of punishment, but soon manages to start ducking Brim's attacks, and start hurting him instead. Annoyed that his opponent is eluding his blows, Brim goes for his long-range attack, he starts pumping his arms up and down, releashing stink waves that buffet Dam backwards. Luckily for Dam, Brim cannot keep this attack for any lenght of time, so eventually Dam manages to overcome his smelly opponent. Locking him into the Dam Builder, Brimstone taps out and then vanishes into thin air. On the screen we see the words "Level Completed" and then the awards for this level: a brick with the name "Brimstone" is placed at the bottom of the awards screen, as a beginning of something grand and majestic.]
Male voice: Hmm, I wonder if it's smart to use that brick as part of the foundation, surely it's not going hold, must be weakened by the exposure to all those environmental hazards.
[In the game, we see another cut scene in the form of still images. This time we are shown Brimstone and his partner, the demonic NIGHTDRUID, standing around a blue car, Audi most likely. As the Nightdruid hops like a loony around the car, giggling as he were possessed, the car suddenly blows up! As the two nefarious villains laugh, the screen goes black and then reads: "Level 2 - Personal".
Apart from the background setting, this level is none too different to the first one. Again we see Dam beating his way through some faceless enemies. After dispatching an ambush by some enemies in green robes, a token with "I" on it is dropped by the last druid. On screen, Dam collects it and moves onwards, finally reaching the level boss. Only this time, there are two of them! Defeated Brimstone is back and he's brought along the Nightdruid. Even with the odds now stacked against him, Dam lunges at his opponents, and manages to get in a few hits, before the 2 on 1 attack begins to take it's toll. Dam has a brief offensive moment later, but mostly it seems to be a one-way street, as far as the damage dealing is concerned. With his energy bar dwindling down, the screen suddenly goes black. The "I" token collected earlier disappears.]
Male voice: Heh, never hurts to be intelligent.
[The award screen for Level 2 appears, but no bricks are awarded. Another cut scene follows, as Dam and JRollins take it to Brimstone and Nightdruid. The brawl gets even more frantic with the appearance of Grim Jim and Brown-Eyed Slayer. Literally, all hell seems to be breaking loose! And then a power more mighty than any of the characters speaks:
Female voice: "Enough! I am GOD! I am the LAW! Well, the Commish actually, but that's close enough for you."
All the characters are tossed around like ragdolls, and the cutscene ends with the words: "Level 3 - The Show".]
Male voice: Man, this game is kewl!
[Another level filled with Dam defeating faceless enemies. After beating another ambush, a "T" token is dropped by an enemy and quickly collected by Dam. With ease Dam reaches the level-boss. But he is again surprised by two enemies. These appear to be The Oni and Joshua Black. Instead of attacking Dam though, they start to bicker. Suddenly the "T" token vanishes and JRollins appears beside Dam. Together they attack Oni and Joshua Black, and make short work of their enemies. Awards screen then reveals a pair of bricks with the appropriate names engraved on them being added next to the one which has the name Brimstone on it. Text "Do you wish to save?" appears and option "Yes" is taken.]
Male voice: We don't want to spoil all the fun at once, now do we?
[Screen goes black, as the camera cuts back to BAL.]
BAL: Um, well, that was unusual. Speaking of unusual, here's one of our three tag teams featured in the main event, the Ubergeeks!
[Camera opens on “The Übergeeks”, BRAD and BLAKE sitting on a ratty old sofa in some unkempt, barely-furnished apartment. BRAD is wearing a “I Beat The 8 Master Robots” t-shirt (http://www.80stees.com/products/Mega_Man_Master_Robots_t-shirt.asp), BLAKE is wearing a “Don’t Make Me Go Zelda On You” t-shirt (http://www.80stees.com/products/Nintendo_Zelda_t-shirt.asp), both are wearing their taped-together “nerd” style glasses. At the moment, both Brad and Blake are holding an X-Box controller, which they fiddle with furiously, their eyes fixated on the television in front of the sofa, behind which the camera rests. Various electronic sounds emanate from the television, culminating into a huge explosion. BRAD then leaps to his feet, laughing, cheering and doing some ridiculous “victory dance” as BLAKE throws a frustrated tantrum while seated on the couch]
BRAD: Ha-ha! Yes! PWNED your ass! With a HEAD-SHOT to boot!
BLAKE: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! No fair! I was just getting into the zone!
BRAD: Yeah, the “Twilight Zone”!
[BRAD suddenly breaks into a barely-passable Rod Serling impression]
BRAD: Submitted for your approval… A noob named “Blake” who just got his ass PWNED by the leet skillz of his friend “Brad”!
BLAKE: Alright, ASS-HAT! Since you’re so “leet”, whaddya say we make it THREE out of FIVE?
BRAD: Why not? All the better to PWN you with, my dear!
[BRAD sits back on the couch and picks up his controller. BRAD and BLAKE fiddle with the controls and stare at the television as they speak to each other]
BLAKE: So, did you get that call from KEW?
BRAD: Hell, yeah! We got our first match next Lion’s Den.
BLAKE: Sweet! Who we up against?
BRAD: Get this, we got a THREE-WAY going on.
BLAKE: You mean two other teams?
BRAD: Yeah. First we’ve got the Talyor Twins, Jimmy and Jack.
BLAKE: Cool. Which one turns into water?
[BRAD turns and looks at BLAKE confusedly]
BLAKE: You know, one always turns into water and the other turns into… Like… A gorilla or something.
BRAD: That’s the WONDER TWINS, idiot!
BLAKE: Ah, Wonder Twins, Taylor Twins, what’s the difference?
[BRAD rolls his eyes]
BRAD: Did your parents have any kids that LIVED?
[BRAD turns his attention back to the television]
BLAKE: So who else we got?
BRAD: Jack of Clubs and Jack of Diamonds.
BLAKE: Well, that should be no sweat.
BRAD: How do you figure?
BLAKE: Dude, who’s better at card games than us?
BRAD: You got that right. Compared to “Magic: The Gathering” and “Munchkin”, poker is kid’s stuff.
BLAKE: Damn right! The Übergeeks got nothing to worry about next Lion’s Den. After all, what chance does anybody have against-…
[BRAD and BLAKE suddenly stop to GLARE straight into the camera and deliver their catchphrase]
BRAD & BLAKE: BEST… TAG-TEAM… EVER!
[BRAD and BLAKE then turn their attention back to the television]
BLAKE: Yeah, it doesn’t matter what pair of twins or how many of the Three Jacks they throw at us.
BRAD: Four Jacks. You’re a jack off.
[BLAKE slowly turns his head to glare at BRAD, his lips curled into a vicious sneer]
BLAKE: WHAT did you say?
[BRAD’s eyes remain fixed on the television, not noticing BLAKE or the angry tone in his voice]
BRAD: I said you’re a jack off.
[BLAKE rears his arm back and CLOTHESINES BRAD]
[BLAKE’s clothesline causes the couch to tumble backwards and the game controllers to go flying. Camera fades out on the now overturned couch with various shouted insults and sounds of a scuffle coming from behind it. Cut back to Al, who looks confused.]
BAL: Um, yeah... [sighs] We did hear from Dam earlier. However, it looked like his partner Jrollins had a little trouble with Legion. Even despite the no physical contact ban Commissioner White has in effect, Night Druid and Brimstone certainly know how to play mind games with their opponents!
BAL: Who in their right mind let Brimstone out on bail anyway?!
[Scene: It appears to be a locker room for a popular gym. There are a couple of men getting dressed, although none are showing anything more than muscular chests. Sitting on a bench is JRollins in a white towel around his waist, while a fully dressed Dam is putting something away into a locker.]
Dam: Wish I could stay, but I got to cut out early. Got to go fill out insurance paperwork...again. DAMN THAT NIGHTDRUID! [He slams the locker shut!]
JR: Don't worry, only three more weeks, then the gloves are off. We'll make them pay for calling down that lightning your car, for everything they've done. They'll get theirs.
Dam: Oh don't worry, I have a whole truckload of payback aimed straight at 'em! Well, ciao!
[Jrollins sighs and stands up. He walks down past some lockers to a large, heavy door marked "SAUNA". It has a porthole-like window, somewhat clouded by the steam inside. JR opens the door, allowing a little steam to escape, and he steps in. The door closes behind him. A moment later, a pair of shadows appear on the door, and a hand reaches out to padlock the door on the outside, loudly. JR appears at the door, and tries to open it. It does not give.]
JR: Ah damnit...HEY! SOMEBODY LOCKED ME IN! HELP! HELLO?!
[Nightdruid and Brimstone appear in the camera, in full sight of Jrollins. Both lean against the door, smiling broadly.]
JR: What the..sonnavabitch! You heard the commissioner! No physical contact! Damnit both of you! You'll both be suspended!
ND: Yes, yes she did. Brimstone, are we physically touching Jrollins?
BS: Nope! Got this nice big door between us!
[A look of understanding appears on JR's face.]
ND: Exactly. We thought we'd have a nice, non-physically touching chat with you before the big
JR: I have nothing to talk with you about, you pychopathic <bleep!>
ND: Oh, but we have so much to talk to YOU about. Life, the weather, how the Seahawks are doing, what happened on Lost last night. No, don't want to talk to us about any of that? Well, lets talk about this little ban the commissioner put on all of us. No physical contact between the six of us until the big match. Interesting ommission...she said nothing about anyone else. Your family for instance.
JR: YOU <BLEEP!>!! LEAVE THEM OUT OF THIS!!!
ND [ignoring JR]: Heck, Brimmy here was telling me all about grandma Rollins. How she made the most WONDERFUL chocolate chip cookies...
[He holds up a chocolate chip cookie.]
ND: Mmmmm, still warm....
[A look of abject horror crosses JR's face! ND takes a bite of the cookie..it indeed is still warm and gooey!]
JR: No..ND YOU <BLEEP><BLEEP><BLEEP>! I'LL KILL YOU!!
BS: Yeah, she was still nice and all...invited us in and baked us some nice cookies!
ND: Sweet lady. She made the sweetest scream when she went through that table...what did it sound like, Brimmy?
BS [imitating an old lady's voice]: I've fallen, and I can't get up!
[JR lets out a long stream of obscenities that nearly wears out the censor button! He pounds on the door as he screams, trying in vain to rip the door of its very hinges!]
ND: My, such language! What would your grandma say?!
BS [chuckling]: He can ask her when we put him in the same hospital she's staying at! Maybe they can share a room!
ND: True enough. Oh, and there's still the matter of...little sister, Akiruu.
BS: She sure is purty; she smells like flowers.
[JR continues screaming obscenities during all of this.]
JR: LEAVE HER ALONE YOU <BLEEP!><BLEEP!>
ND: Yes, we'll have to pay her a vist, inform her of the...tragic news. Someplace nice and private. Comfort her, in her time of need...
JR: YOU <BLEEP!><BLEEP!><BLEEP!>. TOUCH HER AND I'LL KILL YOU!
ND: Oh, we wouldn't think of it...unless she asked for us to. Enjoy your steambath, Jrollins.
[Laughing evily, both men walk off camera, leaving Jrollins locked in the steam room. He continues screaming and pounding on the door as the camera fades to black. Cut back to a grimacing Al.]
BAL: Jrollins was let out of that sauna safely...after a certain cameraperson finally was bothered to stop filming and go get help!
BAL: Oh, don't look so innocent! [another exasperated sigh] Jrollins' sister Akiruu Belathiel is also in action this week in Tulsa as she faces "Mister Bollywood" Ravi Kapoor again. When it looked like Akiruu had the upper hand, Kapoor walked out of the match. Commissioner White is ordering a rematch, but it looks like Kapoor isn't taking things quietly!
"MISTER BOLLYWOOD" RAVI KAPOOR
[We open to the interior of KEW Commissioner Katie White's office. White sits behind her desk, and does not look particularly impressed with the spectacle in front of her.
That spectacle is the brash young "Mr. Bollywood", Ravi Kapoor, ranting a blue streak as he leans over the desk and right into our Commish's personal space.]
RK: This is an outrage! A scandal! I have better things to do with my time! I don't need to wrestle Akiruu whosit again! I have premier parties to hit! My fans deserve better! Do you know who I am?
[Kapoor jabs his finger forward right into White's face. Small bits of spit fly out of each side of his mouth as he speaks, and his eyes dart crazily.]
RK: I am the Sultan of Sexy! I am the Calcutta Casanova! The...
[At that, an annoyed White cuts off Kapoor.]
KW: I know who you are. You are a KEW employee. But you won't be for long if you don't sit down.
[Kapoor looks like he's about to blow a gasket. He violently trembles, as if totally unaccustomed to such frank talk. However, at some length Ravi decides that discretion is the better part of valour. We can see him make a physical effort to restrain his temper, but the rage passes and he leans back towards his seat. When he speaks again, it is in a calmer tone, although there is a hint of underlying hostility.]
RK: I think you may be suffering from the erroneous belief that I left the match early last time out because I'm afraid of Akiruu.
[Kapoor snickers, but the nervous look in his eyes suggest he's trying to convince himself more than White.]
RK: Nothing could be further from the truth. I simply had other commitments. I'm an extremely important and busy man, you know. I had a party to attend, and I merely underestimated the amount of time it would take me to beat her. That's all. And I'm really too busy to offer a rematch to someone so beneath my level.
[Commissioner White looks like she's about to speak, presumably to point out that its not Ravi's choice who he wrestles. Kapoor senses this coming and starts talking again before she can.]
RK: BUT... I am willing to work the match. On one condition.
[White smiles slightly on hearing this.]
KW: One condition? This ought to be priceless. Alright, Mr. Kapoor, what's your condition?
RK: Simply this. I get to name the stipulation of the match.
[Almost before he is done speaking, White reacts quite negatively and emphatically.]
KW: Oh no, no, no way. I'll let you look at my driver's licence, and it will show you that I wasn't born yesterday. I don't know what kind of promotions you worked for before, but I'm not going to let you get away with any sexist crap here in the KEW. You can't turn this into a mud wrestling match, or a lingerie match, or anything like that. You can just forget about it, Mister.
[Kapoor reacts with by taking mock offense, exaggerating his motions of being "shocked and appalled" that White thinks so little of him.]
RK: It's nothing like that, really. I'm hurt that you'd suggest such a thing. Truly, I am.
No, this isn't about sexism, or embarrassing Akiruu. Look, I'm a showman. I want to put on the best show possible. And I just think if we add something to this match, it'll make for a more exciting show. I have a very standard stipulation in mind, I assure you. Every respectable promotion in the world has used the type of match I'm thinking of.
[White sits back in her chair, thinking things over for a moment.]
KW: Alright, since I'm in such a good mood, you've got a deal. You have 24 hours to get all the paperwork done, and to get Ms. Belathiel to agree to the stipulation. If you do that, you'll get your match.
RK: Oh, thank you, thank you! You won't regret this!
KW: I had better not.
[At that, Kapoor swallows loudly, the nervous "gulp" easily heard in the next office over. He quickly pulls himself back together, though, and moves to leave the office as we cut back to Al.]
BAL: There you have it, folks! The Belathiel/Kapoor rematch WILL have some sort of stipulation, provided Akiruu agrees to it. Of course, what that stipulation will be is anybody's guess. We should get Akiruu's response come Lion's Den.
[Al shuffles his papers]
BAL: Finally tonight, we'll be hearing from the Taylor Twins, another set of combatants in our huge Tag Team Triangle main event. They might not have been given a chance to do much before RCW went under, but we here at KEW are welcome to have them! Here's Jimmy and Jack Taylor!
THE TAYLOR TWINS
[Fade in: We are at the KEW offices...
OK, so there aren't any distinguishing features that tell you this is the KEW offices, but we've got a long hallway with several offices on either side, and since this is a KEW flash, it must be the KEW offices.
And we have two men who are walking down the hallway, one of them with several sheets of paper in his hand... this man has long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and wears a Michael Vick jersey and blue jeans. He's the smaller of the two men... the other guy, obviously the larger man, has black hair in a crewcut and wears a light blue button down shirt and gray slacks.
The smaller guy is named Jimmy, the larger guy is named Jack, and they are The Taylor Twins.
See, it must be the KEW offices because this is the newest tag team signing.
And now it's time to cue up their conversation... well, at least time to cue up Jimmy's talking. You'll know what we mean, trust me.]
Jimmy: Wow, can you believe it, Jack, huh... can you, can you, can you? I thought it was all over for us when River City Wrestling said good-bye and then we tried to go some place else and that fell through, but wow, here we are... here we are, Jack, wrestling for the Kenzer Empire, and they were just oh so happy to sign us to these contracts we got right here! Isn't this great, Jack... we found some place we could go, where we could continue our careers, continue learning the ins and outs of pro wrestling, and continue to find the best competition we could possibly find? Is this great or what, huh?
[Sit back, folks, Jimmy is not done.]
Jimmy: And can you believe it... it's our first card in KEW, and already they want to put us in the main event. I mean... we've had to take part in some tough situations before, but we're still new to this business, still making our names, still taking our lumps, still learning all there is to learn, and yet, they have enough faith to make us a top attraction already! This is just so awesome, I... well, I... you know, I can't really think of the words to describe this, it's just an awesome feeling, you know what I'm saying, Jack? Of course you do, you always understood what I'm saying, you've always been there for me and I've always been there for you, and I can't wait for the opportunity to show everyone in KEW exactly what we can do!
[Yes, he does talk a mile a minute, doesn't he?
But now Jack speaks... and what does he have to say?]
Jack: Yeah... um... that's cool... really... cool.
[Not much, it turns out. And now he's pausing, as if he's not sure what to say.
Jimmy sure knows what to say, though.]
Jimmy: You bet it's cool, Jack! And to think, we have to face not one, but two, I'm telling ya two, tag teams in this thing... you saw what those Ubergeeks are about, huh? Only thing is, we didn't see what they can do in that wrestling ring... that's gonna make it tough for us, but you know we're gonna be up for the task, isn't that right? I don't know if we can trust these guys, I don't know if we can trust them to be fair, but I can certainly trust that, if KEW wanted to bring them on board, that they were gonna be tough, so we gotta be ready for them, don't ya know?
[He's still going, and no, I have no idea if he's stopping to breathe.]
Jimmy: And then there's these Four Jacks guys... they tell me they loved them in some place called WLW... not that I know anything about WLW, but if KEW wanted them on board, like they wanted us on board, then they must be pretty tough themselves. Think about it, Jack, think about it... we get to face two good teams in the main event in our first ever match in KEW and think about just how big an opportunity this is to prove ourselves to be among the best in tag team wrestling... my mind just boggles thinking about it all? You know what I mean, Jack, don't ya? Right, right, right?
[Yes, he is going to let Jack talk...]
Jack: Yeah... we just... ah...
[...Jack just isn't going to say that much.]
Jack: Just... need... to... ah... get ready.
[Are you prepared for what Jimmy has to say about this?]
Jimmy: Get ready... yeah, you better believe we'll get ready! Why, these other guys we gotta face must be pretty good, in fact they may be great, but we're gonna be better and we're gonna show KEW they will not be disappointed that they brought us on board! And from there, we'll find out just how good the rest of the competition is in KEW... I mean, there's just a lot going through my mind right now and I can't stop myself from talking about it all! Why, I'll bet there...
[If Jimmy says he has a lot going through his mind, it's best we cut this off here...
...and so we shall. Fade out.]
KENZER EMPIRE WRESTLING 2005