Title: Charles The Matchwriter
Description: Matches He Wrote!
texanspaniard - February 13, 2009 10:58 PM (GMT)
WWA Night Of Champions 4 [Last WWA Show]
WWA Tag Team Title Match:
©Xavier Stone & Crime Starter Jim
vs Down South Connection
vs The Attack Dogs
[Written by Charles Linnenbringer]
KNIGHT: "Hey, cool! More of Crimestarter and Xavier
always makes me happy."
MANNING: "But Xavier's Canadian."
KNIGHT: "I'm pretty sure he's actually a native
Vermonter who was abducted by a bunch of Canadian
gypsies as a child and snuck across the border."
MANNING: "Oh, please. Anyway, fans, I hate to tell
you this, but one of Emperor Leviathan's most infamous
'replacements,' Emp-buffer Leviathan!"
[The nervous teenager, renowned for his acne and
squeaky voice, enters the ring, trying to keep his wig
of long, bluish-black hair on straight.]
EMP-BUFFER: (squeakier than a whole bag of puppy
toys) "The following contest is set for one fall, and
is for the WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION TAG-TEAM
CHAMPIONSHIPS! The first to reach the belts hanging
above the ring or scores pinfall or submission wins
the titles, and it will be a Tables, Ladders, and
MANNING: "So this is slightly different than other
TLC matches in that pins and submissions count, too,
as well as the standard route of grabbing the belts
KNIGHT: "That's how I understand it. And there's no
DQ and no countout. This should be great! I just
hope the PTA didn't overexert themselves fighting the
Toad Warriors in the Battle Royale."
[The videoscreens start to flash pictures of the
"X-man" Xavier Stone, as the speakers crackle. The
pictures show him standing at Spring Fling over the
carnage left by he and Crimestarter Jim. Then it
shows him wrenching the arm of an opponent in the
X-tension. Suddenly the speakers boom with the voice
of Fred Durst.]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....
*The guitar riff starts*
A slightly modifed version of Limp Bizkit's song "Full
Nelson" starts to play. The lights dim, and spotlight
center on the stage. As the music picks up tempo, the
song slips right into the chorus.
*YOU'LL GET KNOCKED THE F*CK OUT!!!
CAUSE YOUR MOUTH WROTE A CHEQUE THAT YER ASS CAN'T
KNOCKED STRAIGHT THE F*CK OUT!!!
CAUSE YOUR MOUTH WROTE A CHEQUE THAT YER ASS CAN'T
THAT YER ASS CAN'T CASH!!!*
With that, the music settles into a groove, the
curtains part, and the crowd erupts with boos and
catcalls. Xavier Stone is not an overly tall man, but
not short either. Standing at 6'2", and weighing at
242 lbs, he is in fine physical shape. Not bulging
muscles, but built more like a Kurt Angle. He wears
black tights, the long short style, not the standard
style. On the side is a red X. Black knee pads, with
a similar red X, and black boots, with red X's on the
sides complete his wrestling attire. He wears a
T-shirt that reads PTA superimposed on a bullseye. On
the back of the shirt, it reads, 'If you're not with
us, you're against us!'.
EMP-BUFFER: (squeaking like a mouse in puberty)
"Introducing first, from Halifax, Nova Scotia, at 6'2"
and 242 pounds, he is a member of the Prime-Time
Assassins, one half of the WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION
TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS... 'THE X-MAN' XAVIER STONE!"
Stone stops just past the entrance, and smirks at the
crowd. He slowly raises his arms as the music comes
to a crescendo. In perfect time to the music, Stone
crosses his arms in an X, and fireworks shoot behind
him, back and forth in time to the beat. Then, as
suddenly as the music stops for a moment, the
fireworks seem to combine to form a giant red X, with
Stone standing at the base.
When the music kicks back in, Stone begins to walk
down the aisle, jawing at fans, and continuing to
smirk. When he reaches the ring, he slides under the
bottom rope, and walks to the far turnbuckle. He
climbs up to the second rope, and raises his arms
above his head, forming an X once again. The cameras
flash, Stone smirks, and then drops to the mat. He
removes his shirt, starts to look focused.
(The lights go out in the arena, and spotlights fly
around the arena as if they were looking for someone.
Then all of a sudden, the spotlight stops at the
entrance way and “Killing in the Name" by Rage Against
the Machine begins to play over the P.A. to an IMMENSE
EMP-BUFFER: “And his partner... also representing the
Prime-Time Assassins... from Santa Monica,
California... at 6’5” and 295 pounds, he is one half
of the WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION TAG-TEAM
CHAMPIONS!... here is CRIMESTARTER JIM!!!”
(Jim steps out from behind the curtain, stopping to
taunt and laugh at the crowd. He walks down to the
ring and enter it, where he poses for the crowd atop
all four ringposts. He is a tall, muscular man,
always with a tan, and has bleached blond, curly hair
down just past his shoulders. He has a tattoo of
himself on his left bicep. He wears a black
"PTA" tank top. He wears black jeans and black and red
boots to the ring.)
[Of course, neither man is wearing his title belt, as
both are hanging high above the ring.]
(Sammy Knight rises to his feet, clapping for The
MANNING: “Sammy, sit down! At least try to appear
KNIGHT: “I can’t help myself, Rich. This (sniff) is
the most wonderful thing (sniff) I’ve ever seen! Two
of the biggest heels in the business... side by side.
Oh, it’s beautiful!”
MANNING: “Geez, Sammy, no need to get so emotional!”
KNIGHT: “I’m sorry, Rich (sniff). It’s just that...
this is every heel commentator’s dream! And to think,
soon the IN title will be vacant and up for grabs to
the PTA, too! I’m sorry, I have something in my eye!”
(Sammy resumes his seat, wiping away his tears of
MANNING: “Well, while Sammy tries to regain his
composure, let’s go to the ring. Hey, Lady Red is
coming down to ringside. And Crimestarter and Xavier
are waving at her, insincere smiles on their faces."
KNGIHT: “Those two can’t be real!”
MANNING: “Who, Crimestarter and Xavier?”
KNIGHT: “No, Red’s br--”
MANNING: “Oh, THOSE two. Why don’t we wait to
discuss those until she's NOT about to sit down next
to us, okay?"
[Indeed, Lady Red sits down next to Rich Manning.]
KNIGHT: "Welcome, Ms. Hart!"
RED: "Thank you, Sammy. I hope you don't mind me
being out here. I'm just here to make sure Jim and
Stone don't run out on another match tonight."
[All of the sudden the lights in the arena go from
there normal bright white to an almost eerie dark
blue. "Killers Are Quiet" intro begins to play over
the PA as all of the sudden all of the lights in the
arena go off.]
#Cycle of life and death supposedly...#
#goes 'round and 'round yet it stops with me...#
#Glorious hunter of my faith I have sinned...#
#Killers are quiet like the breath of the wind...#
[The crowd in the arena is in almost utter silence as
they don't know what to think of this. All of the
sudden two huge blue spotlights hit the entrance ramp
and there are two men standing there. The two men are
both members of the "Down South Connection", "The New
Legend" Kenneth Morlock and "The Expert" Matt Allen. ]
#Filling the shadows with forms of my own...#
#Raised by kindred of Get I was born...#
#Abomination world in disarray...#
#Killers are quiet when they seek the vitae...#
EMP-BUFFER: "And the first of two challenging
teams... first, from Memphis, Tennessee, at 6'3" and
230 pounds, here is 'The New Legend' Kenneth Morlock!
And his partner, from Little Rock, Arkansas, at 6'11
and 305 pounds, 'The Expert' Matt Allen! At a
combined weight of 535 pounds, here is THE DOWN SOUTH
[Morlock is wearing his blue leg tights that read
"NEW" across the butt of them and "LEGEND" along both
legs. He also has on a pair of blue wrestling boots
with the letters "DSC" on them. Allen is wearing his
black and blue wrestling tights that read "Expert"
down the left and the right leg. He also has on a pair
of blue boots that read "DSC" on both of them.
Morlock has clean-cut brown hair and hazel eyes, and
Allen has long brown hair and brown eyes. Both men
are well-defined and tanned.]
#Reflection beckons a portal shard...#
#Spiritual quest I must stay in guard...#
#Stepping sideways betweens worlds I shift...#
#Killers are quiet when they are born with the
[The "Down South Connection" are met with a hail of
boos and jeers as they now begin their walk to the
ring. Both men are laughing and chuckling at the fans
who are almost throwing themselves over the rail to
get a touch of them. Morlock and Allen make it to the
ring and both climb the ring steps. Morlock steps into
the ring first under the top rope and then Allen steps
right over the top. Both men begin to smile deviously
as they wait.]
#Beautiful Anguish cast out by my race...#
#Now one that's Ageless I save my own face...#
#I write my own laws with Death I break bread...#
#Killers are quiet when they come from my head...#
MANNING: "The addition of a third team can only help
the Down South Connection, since if they pin that
third team, they'll win the titles."
KNIGHT: "Right you are, Rich. And that can indeed
only help them, because I can't think of a team
tougher to beat than Xavier Stone and the 3-Time World
Champion, Crimestarter Jim! And now they don't have
MANNING: "Well, Lady Red, are we going to find out
who the third team is?"
RED: "Yes, we are, Rich. Right now."
("Creeping Death" by Metallica begins to play over the
P.A. to an unexpectedly big heel pop. Emerging
through the curtain are two large men, one 6'6" and
the other 6'8", wearing black boots, black tights, dog
collars, and sporting mohawk haircuts. Behind them is
an extremely well-dressed man.)
MANNING: "OH, NO! NOT THEM!"
EMP-BUFFER: "And their opponents, from New York City
and accompanied by their manager, T.J. Hustler…
weighing a combined weight of 580 pounds… Bulldog and
Rampage… the ATTACK DOGS!!!"
[LOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUDDDDD boos for the most annoying
entity in wrestling history!]
MANNING: "Lady Red, how did you get this team to
return to the WWA? Didn't they learn their lesson
when they were almost killed by Sabbat Justice?"
RED: "That's the beauty of it, Rich. They suffered
so many head injuries during that match that they've
forgotten most of it! And what little they did
remember, they've repressed because it was nothing but
horrible, traumatizing torture!"
KNIGHT: "Just to recap, this is the team that started
demanding title shots the day they walked in the door,
right? And they pestered the front office several
times a day."
RED: "And even if they HAD paid any dues at all, they
SUCKED. Which made their demands that much more
annoying. So they were put in a Disneyland
Destruction match against Sabbat Justice, and frankly
it was the biggest massacre in WWA history."
KNIGHT: "That's for sure. I could have sworn these
two, along with their manager, were dead!"
RED: "Well, they don't move around as well as they
used to, but they're still capable of getting in the
ring, so I guess that counts for something."
MANNING: "Anyway, let’s see who starts this match.
Xavier steps to the outside... it looks like it’s
going to be Crimestarter Jim for The PTA”
(Jim flexes for the women in the audience, a cocky
smile on his face. He seems generally unconcerned
with his opponents.)
MANNING: “The Down Town Connection in the opposite
corner... they look to be determining who will start
with a quick game of paper, rock, scissors. And it
looks like 'The Expert' Matt Allen is the winner as
'The New Legend' steps grumbling to the outside.”
(Allen and Jim lock up... Allen pushes Jim back to his
MANNING: “Crimestarter Jim obviously surprised by
that display of power by Matt Allen, who does weigh
well in excess of 300 pounds. Jim may have to rely on
more than just his muscles for this match.”
KNIGHT: “Nonsense! Jim and Xavier will have no
trouble overpowering these two idiots. You know,
these two could probably win even MORE belts, but too
many belts would , cover up those killer abs they’ve
got, and we can't have that, can we?”
MANNING: “The Attack Dogs taking a bit longer to
figure out who should start for their team... looks
like it's going to be Bulldog."
KNIGHT: "Dammit... after that Toad Warriors' match
with all the 'Bullfrog's in it, I don't want to hear
about a 'Bulldog', too."
MANNING: “Allen with that arrogant smile... he
obviously loves seeing Crimestarter realize he’s
outpowered here. And now he wants to rub it in even
further, extending his hand upward, offering a test of
(Crimestarter slowly intertwines his fingers with
Allen’s, but before the test can begin, Jim plants a
foot in Allen’s solar plexus!)
MANNING: “Allen bending over... and Crimestarter
catches him with a snap suplex! What power by Jim!
Now the ex-cop... arguably one of the most
well-rounded athletes in the CWC, shows his technical
expertise with a nasty-looking armbar!”
KNIGHT: “Watch my man Jim go to work! But dammit,
here's Bulldog dropping an elbow on Jim and clawing
away at him!”
RED: "And in the meantime, T.J. Hustler and Rampage
are going under the ring, pulling out a table!"
KNIGHT: "Tables, ladders, and chairs. That's what
it's all about here."
(Allen reaches the ropes and referee Austin Cooper
forces Jim to break the hold. Crimestarter slaps
Allen in the mouth as the bigger man tries to rise.
The crowd pops again. An enraged look comes over
MANNING: “Allen racing towards Jim with a lariat...
but Jim ducks... Allen bouncing off the other side...
AND JIM CATCHES HIM WITH A SPINNING BACKBREAKER! This
crowd is on their feet!”
RED: “Good lord, how strong is Crimestarter Jim?
How’d he get a man over three-hundred pounds in that
MANNING: “Jim doing a few more poses now for the
fans, strutting about the ring. He’s obviously quite
proud of himself here, Sammy.”
KNIGHT: “Why shouldn’t he be? A perfect body,
beautiful women all around him, three world titles
under his belt, and leadership of wrestling's premiere
organization, the Prime-Time Assassins! Crimestarter
Jim’s got it all!”
MANNING: "One thing he's got is an angry Bulldog
after him! Bulldog clubbing Jim from behind... Irish
whip to the far side... but he lowers his head, and
Jim nails him with a facebuster! And now Jim pulls
Bulldog to his feet..."
KNIGHT: "And Rampage and Hustler are setting up that
table on the outside, oblivious to what's happening
inside the ring."
MANNING: "Crimestarter tossing Bulldog..."
MANNING: "GOOD NIGHT! BULLDOG JUST WENT THROUGH THAT
TABLE HIS OWN TEAMMATES SET UP!"
(Crimestarter Jim drops an elbow across the back of
Allen before he can pull himself up on the ropes, then
KNIGHT: “Aw yeah! Time to feel the wrath of the
madman they call Xavier Stone!”
(As Allen rises to his feet, Xavier bounces against
the ropes... spinning heel kick!)
MANNING: “As always, Xavier comes through with those
aerial maneuvers when he needs to, but he's best-known
for his amazing technical expertise.”
KNIGHT: “Xavier’s one of the best technicians in the
business, no doubt. The only question is: how helpful
is technical wrestling in a match where tables,
ladders, and chairs are legal weapons?"
(Xavier attempts to bodyslam Allen... but the big man
shifts his weight, falling back on Xavier!)
MANNING: “Xavier looking quite angry... he quickly
gets to his feet... and gets caught by a dropkick from
`The Expert’ Matt Allen! Wow, who would have thought
the big man could deliver a move like that? Now with
the advantage, Allen bounces Xavier against the
ropes... great hiptoss! What elevation! Xavier backs
off into the opposing corner!”
KNIGHT: “Xavier’s not one to back down from a
challenge, trust me!”
(Indeed, Xavier explodes out of the corner, catching
Allen with a thunderous spear. He leaps to his feet,
giving some sort of signal.)
RED: “He’s headed to the top rope!”
(As Xavier climbs the turnbuckle, Matt Allen slowly
gets to his feet.)
KNIGHT: “Get him, Xavier!"
MANNING: “Stone catches Allen with a missile
RED: "He just paintbrushed him, though. Allen's
still standing, though he's wobbling."
KNIGHT: "He's going back up again, though! He's not
going to stop until his job is done!"
RED: "Mmmm... I like that in a man."
(Xavier leaps off the top for a flying crossbody
press... but is caught in mid-air by Matt Allen!)
MANNING: “Incredible display of power by Matt
Allen... and he drops him with the powerslam! This
one could be history! Austin Cooper in position!
KNIGHT: “C’mon, Xavier! Don’t let these hamandeggers
do this to you!”
MANNING: “Oh, no, I thought that expression died with
Bobby Heenan’s WWF career. Anyway, Matt Allen tags in
his partner, `The New Legend’ Kenneth Morlock, for the
first time. Morlock comes in... he lifts Xavier to
his feet... suplex position... BRAIN-BUSTER ON
KNIGHT: “No! Xavier’s one of the few guys we have
who’s got a brain! What’s Cooper doing, allowing
MANNING: “Kenneth Morlock, all business, climbs to
the top rope. What's he planning here?"
KNIGHT: "He's going for a swandive headbutt... NO!
Xavier rolls away at the last second!"
[The crowd’s outburst reveals their disappointment.]
MANNING: “Xavier climbs to his feet... and puts
Morlock in the standing figure-four! Can Morlock
survive this? He looked to have landed on his knee.”
KNIGHT: “Exactly why Xavier’s focusing on it, Matt.
Both Xavier and Crimestarter Jim both seem to add a
dozen new moves, even whole other styles, to their
already extensive repetoires every single week! You
couldn’t find two guys with better championship
MANNING: "Bulldog still in the rubble outside, so
Rampage grabs a ladder from underneath the ring and
RED: "He charges at Xavier, but here comes
Crimestarter Jim into the ring... FINAL JUDGMENT
SUPERKICK FINDS ITS MARK! He kicks that ladder right
back into Rampage's ugly mug!"
(Xavier gets tired of waiting for `The New Legend’
Kenneth to submit; he releases the hold, adding a few
swift kicks to Morlock’s leg for good measure. He
then tags in Crimestarter Jim.)
MANNING: “A double-team effort now by The PTA...
together they lift Morlock up... and drop him across
the ropes! A stun-gun variation right there! And now
Jim’s headed to the top!”
(Meanwhile, Xavier lifts and drops Rampage painfully
on the ladder with a pumphandle slam! The crowd
groans in sympathy pains. He then hooks on the
KNIGHT: "Rampage screaming in pain..."
KNIGHT: "And T.J. Hustler smashes Stone with a steel
chair, saving Rampage from the X-tension... at least
MANNING: “Crimestarter Jim comes off the top...
GUILOTINE LEGDROP! Morlock stirs about on the mat,
completely stunned by that tremendous impact! This
one could be over if Jim went for the cover!”
KNIGHT: “Forget it, Rich. Jim’s not done with
`Masochistic’ Kenneth Morlock.”
MANNING: “That’s `The New Legend’ Kenneth, Sammy.”
KNIGHT: “No way, Rich. If you get in the ring with
the PTA, then you’re pretty darned masochistic in my
RED: “Willingly listening to you brown-nose the PTA
is starting to seem a bit masochistic, too!”
KNIGHT: “Hey, I’m sure you were cheering for Young
Andrew and the LAWC and Mark Haley when they were out
here before for the battle royale. You root for your
favorites and I’ll root for mine!”
MANNING: “Crimestarter Jim picks Morlock up for a
scoop-slam... but Morlock counters, pulling Jim down
in an inside cradle!”
(Both men quickly get to their feet, eyeing each other
MANNING: “Crimestarter Jim was really surprised by
that small package... he may not appreciate Kenneth
Morlock’s technical skills.”
KNIGHT: “Awww... technical skills? Damn it, how many
times do I have to say this! Technical and submission
wrestlers are BORING! What sort of epidemic have you
started, Rosco Riggins?”
MANNING: "But you were just praising Xavier Stone for
his technical skill!"
KNIGHT: "Yeah, but he's not a Canadian."
RED: "Yes he is!"
KNIGHT: "Guys, I already explained this! Canadian
gypsies? Vermont? Any of this ringing a bell?"
(Both men slowly back away, each tagging in their
MANNING: “And now we’re back with `The Expert’ Matt
Allen and `The X-Man’ Xavier Stone. Allen goes for a
collar-elbow tie-up, but Xavier ducks behind, grabbing
Allen’s head... GERMAN SUPLEX! ALMOST PERFECTLY
[Kickout, and a simultaneous save by Rampage.]
RED: “I guess the `almost’ part was important there,
MANNING: “Apparently. Xavier didn’t quite have his
usual elevation on that manuever, but he’s not giving
up. He lifts Allen to his feet, giving him a couple
of really hard-looking shots! Now he goes for a
(Allen catches Xavier’s foot, who hops up and down for
a few moments, pretending to beg for mercy. When
Allen’s guard is down, however, `The X-Man’ leaps up
and catches him with an enziguri kick!)
RED: “Oh, geez! Did you hear the crack just then?”
KNIGHT: “But I didn’t make any jokes.”
RED: “Not that kind of crack, Sammy!”
MANNING: "Rampage picking up the ladder again... and
he bashes it against Xavier's back! Xavier falls to
the mat, and Rampage sets up the ladder in the middle
of the ring! He's going after the belts!"
MANNING: “Xavier quickly to his feet, stalking the
prone Matt Allen... but now Kenneth Morlock races in
to the ring... AND LEVELS XAVIER WITH A FLYING
CLOTHESLINE! Xavier rolls out of the ring as Austin
Cooper sends Kenneth Morlock back to his corner.”
RED: “It looks like this Down South Connection know
how to play dirty, too.”
MANNING: “Well, why should they? The PTA certainly
don’t respect the rules. Look at this! While Austin
Cooper admonishes `The New Legend’ Kenneth,
Crimestarter Jim picks up Allen... SIDEWALK SLAM!”
RED: “Which, as I’ve learned from my recent studies,
is NOT the same as a spinebuster!”
KNIGHT: “This is great! Jim’s got more suplexes
today than an overachieving Steiner Brother! And
look! Even after throwing Allen’s big carcass around,
he’s not even tired!”
MANNING: "He's in pain, though, after that chairshot
from Bulldog! And another! Bulldog has dropped the
three-time former World Champion!"
(In the meantime, Xavier crawls back inside the ring.
Austin Cooper turns around just in time to see `The
X-Man’ roll under the bottom rope.)
MANNING: “Referee Austin Cooper never saw
Crimestarter Jim enter the ring, and now Xavier
looking to take advantage of his partner’s illegal
tactics! He picks Allen up... snap DDT by Xavier!”
RED: “But Matt Allen struggling to his feet...
sending Xavier back with a series of high-impact
KNIGHT: “Get out of there, Xavier! Don’t brawl with
(Xavier tries to fight back, but his blows do not seem
to faze the incensed "Expert." Allen sends him to the
ground with a roundhouse right.)
MANNING: "And now Allen notices both Attack Dogs
climbing the ladder... and he charges, knocking it
over! And both Attack Dogs plummet to the mat below,
almost falling over the top rope to the floor!"
RED: "Whew, that was close."
KNIGHT: "I guess you're not pulling for the Attack
RED: "They'd be an embarrassment to the titles."
KNIGHT: "Then why'd you put them in the match?"
RED: "Would YOU be worried about them possibly
winning? But now I am a bit worried; they came
awfully close to grabbing the titles, and no one else
from the other teams has even taken one step on a
KNIGHT: "Now _I'm_ worried. You ought to head back
in the locker room to convince the LAWC, Sabbat
Justice, the JDD, the Silent Killers, the
Untouchables... whoever... to come back and add some
real competition to this all PTA/Blonde Brigade
MANNING: “And now Allen tags Morlock in... `The New
Legend’ Kenneth Morlock with a double-underhook on
Xavier... DDT! 'The Lock Down!' This one's over!"
(Save by the Attack Dogs!)
MANNING: “Xavier trying to escape Kenneth Morlock’s
grasp... but the smaller Down South Connection member
drops a big elbow on top of his head, Rhodes style!
Xavier bends over... Morlock has him in powerbomb
position... DOMINATOR ON XAVIER! XAVIER JUST GOT HIS
HEAD SLAMMED TO THE CANVAS! Now THAT was a sign of a
possible 'New Legend' in our midst!”
KNIGHT: “Oh, no! And unlike when Faarooq does it,
Xavier actually DID land head-first instead of on his
knees! Get up, Xavier! No one dominates `The
RED: "After taking two such brutal blows to his head,
I think Stone's pretty helpless, actually."
MANNING: “Morlock walks over to Crimestarter’s
corner... and spits in his face! Oh, lord! We may
have a fight on our hands now! Jim is furious... he
storms into the ring... but Austin Cooper holding him
back! And now the roles are reversed as the Down
South Connection have Xavier in a double-team
(Meanwhile, the Attack Dogs roll out of the ring,
pulling another table from under the ring!)
RED: “Oh, geez, what do you call this?”
(Morlock tags Matt Allen, who puts Xavier in the camel
clutch, and simultaneously Kenneth Morlock slaps on a
Boston Crab! Both Down South Connection members sit
on the back of Xavier, pulling his body in a “U”
MANNING: “`The X-Man’s’” back under extreme torture
right now! This crowd is going bananas!”
RED: “Speaking of bananas, Xavier’s sort of shaped
like one right now.”
KNIGHT: “C’mon Cooper! Don’t let them do this to
Xavier! Please!” (he is almost on the verge of
MANNING: “For Pete’s sake, Sammy, you sure are
infatuated with the PTA”
KNIGHT: “Shut up, Rich! This is the greatest team
ever assembled! Along with their fellow PTA members,
these guys are like the Holy Trinity of heel
(Austin Cooper continues to struggle with Crimestarter
Jim, not seeing the other corner where the Down South
Connection continue to pull at Xavier.)
RED: "Bulldog and Rampage sliding that table under
MANNING: “And look at this... T.J. Hustler grabbing a
steel chair! He climbs to the apron and... OH MY GOD!
HUSTLER JUST NAILED KENNETH MORLOCK RIGHT ON THE HEAD
WITH THAT CHAIR! YOU COULD HEAR THAT FROM OUTSIDE THE
KNIGHT: “Ha! And all the while Crimestarter keeps
Cooper busy! The PTA is a well-oiled machine, Rich!”
RED: “I’ll say. How much body oil is Crimestarter
MANNING: “Matt Allen turns around... Hustler raises
the chair to strike him, too!... but here’s Austin
Cooper, finally pushing his way by Crimestarter!”
KNIGHT: “Blatant favoritism by Cooper there! I
didn’t see him making some big effort to make the Down
South Connection break their double-team on Xavier!”
MANNING: “`The Expert’ Matt Allen now lifting Xavier
across his shoulders... airplane spin into a
neckbreaker! This one’s history!”
(Kickout at the last second!)
KNIGHT: “Ha! That cretin could never do my move the
MANNING: “Your move?”
KNIGHT: “Sure. `The Knight Neckbreaker’ is named
after me, you know.”
MANNING: “Keep dreaming, Sammy. And Xavier looks to
be in Dreamland right now! How did he ever manage to
kick out of that? He’s nearly unconscious!”
KNIGHT: “Instinct, Rich. Killer instinct. Or should
I say, `killah’ instinct, just to sound extra cool.”
RED: (rolling her eyes) “Please don’t.”
MANNING: “Morlock now rubbing his head, still ailing
from that chairshot. And now the Attack Dogs are
going after Matt Allen, lifting the big guy for a
sidewalk slam... but Morlock and Crimestarter Jim send
forearms into the backs of Rampage and Bulldog,
respectively, allowing Allen to DDT both of them!"
KNIGHT: "And immediately Morlock turns on
Crimestarter, but no one can better anticipate heelish
tactics than the three-time former WWA champion! He
ducks Morlock's punch, lifting him across his
MANNING: "HOLY CRAP! DEATH VALLEY DRIVER THROUGH THE
[The crowd IGNITES!]
RED: "But Crimestarter looks up and sees 'The Expert'
Matt Allen climbing the ladder!"
MANNING: "Crimestarter Jim now climbing up the other
side of the ladder! It's a race to the top!"
KNIGHT: "T.J. Hustler is helping to wake up his men,
and the Attack Dogs are slowly rising... and they're
going after Morlock, who's still lying in the rubble
of that table. And meanwhile, T.J. Hustler sets up
ANOTHER table, this time on the outside of the ring,
below the ringpost."
MANNING: "Rampage lifts up Morlock, straddling him on
the top rope, facing away from the crowd. And now
Rampage climbs up the same turnbuckle... oh my lord!
He's set up to SUPERPLEX Morlock!"
KNIGHT: "And Bulldog is frothing at the mouth with
anticipation... but here comes Xavier, whirling
Bulldog around... SPINNING STEINER OVERHEAD
BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX! That sent Bulldog flying over
the top rope, landing on the concrete AND smashing
against the steel guardrail!"
[Big "Holy Shit" chant!]
MANNING: "Rampage is trying to lift Morlock, but he's
not making it easy! He's refusing to let Rampage lift
KNIGHT: "And meanwhile, Xavier Stone rolls out of the
ring, grabs Bulldog, and rolls him on top of the
MANNING: "And T.J. Hustler tries to intervene, only
to get powerslammed on the floor!"
[Another big pop!]
MANNING: "And now _Morlock_ lifts up _Rampage_ for
the superplex! OH MY GOD..."
MANNING: "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!
MORLOCK JUST JACKHAMMER SUPLEXED RAMPAGE OFF THE TOP
ROPE ONTO BULLDOG AND THROUGH THE TABLE!!!"
KNIGHT: "THE ATTACK DOGS ARE DEAD! THEY'RE
RED: "Well, no team is more deserving of death,
that's for sure."
CROWD: "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!"
MANNING: "Xavier now grabbing a steel chair and
sliding back into the ring."
KNIGHT: "And Crimestarter Jim and Matt Allen are
exchanging blows at the top of the ladder... whoever
wins this slugfest will have the titles!"
MANNING: "But here comes Xavier Stone with that
MANNING: "AND HE REACHES UP AND BASHES IT AGAINST
ALLEN'S BACK! AND HE FALLS TO THE MAT!"
RED: "And Crimestarter Jim climbs up that extra
rung... AND GRABS THE TITLES!"
["Killing in the Name" by Rage Against the Machine
plays on the P.A. to a HUGE pop!]
EMP-BUFFER: (squeaking so much, even
environmentalists are wanting to dig up all of Alaska
to get him some oil) "Here are your winners, and
STIIIIIIIIIIIILL WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION TAG-TEAM
CHAMPIONS... CRIMESTARTER JIM AND 'THE X-MAN' XAVIER
STONE of the PRIME-TIME ASSASSINS!"
KNIGHT: "Well, Ms. Hart, you made them wrestle
tonight, and they still came away with the titles."
RED: "That's fine by me. I just want them to have to
work for it."
MANNING: "Well, I'm glad you did, because we just saw
a great match."
KNIGHT: "Any match involving the total decimation of
the Attack Dogs is great in my books. Neither of them
is moving at all! I'm not sure if they're even
RED: "Don't worry. I've arranged for Purple Woody
and Vyolynce to come out here and give them some
KNIGHT: "Hehe... they're such dead meat, now."
RED: "Anyway, boys, I gotta go. Nice chatting with
KNIGHT: "You too, Ms. Hart. And I guess you're
pretty happy to know that, thanks to Pablo O'Connor of
all people, you're going to stay the owner of the
RED: "Uh, yeah... I guess so."
[Red says nothing else, turning to head back up the
MANNING: "That was sort of a strange reaction."
KNIGHT: "Yeah, it was. Well, anyway, Jim and Xavier
are being carried off by their PTA allies in triumph,
the Down South Connection is being carried off on
stretchers, and the Attack Dogs are being carried off
in a hearse."
texanspaniard - February 13, 2009 11:01 PM (GMT)
WWA Night Of Champions 4 [Final WWA Show]
WWA World Title Match:
©Bedrock vs Rosco Riggins
[written by Charles Linnenbringer]
(The camera cuts to the backstage area and all you see
is the deep set of red-iritated eyes of the undefeated
WWA Heavyweight Champion, BEDROCK, stare into the
camera. The camera remains focused on the eyes as he
begins to speak, slowly, softly, in his trademark deep
BEDROCK: “It’s bin a long road, comin’ ‘ere…
Fe over forty years, Ah wanted t’ be th’ best… Ah
wanted it so bad, Ah didn’t care what Ah did… Ah
fought, Ah brutalised, Ah burnt an’ Ah killed… All t’
be th’ best…”
[The camera pulls back a little, giving us a look at
his face. Scarred and tired, his thick black beard
showing traces of grey.]
BEDROCK: “An’ then, one day, Ah was th’ best. Just
like that, Ah’d beaten ‘em all… Ah’d beaten all th’
guys between me an’ th’ champ an’ then Ah beat th’
So what then?
Ah kept on beatin’ people.
They sent me t’ jail- Ah kept on beatin’ people…
They let me out, a supposedly reformed man- Ah kept on
Ah started a movement- Ah kept on beatin people…
Ah ended the movement an’ Ah sent away th’ woman ‘oo
loved me- Ah kept on beatin’ people…
An’ then one day, an ‘ole bunch o cowards got together
and they took me down. Me own son ‘elped ‘em and they
put me down, they whipped me bad…
But Ah came back… Ah came back an’ Ah beat Jimmy-boy.
Ah beat Jimmy so bad they ‘ad t’ carry ‘im from th’
ring an’ if it weren’t fe th’ break b’tween this show
an’ the last, Ah very much doubt ‘e would ‘ave bin
‘ere t’day. Ah beat ‘im like Ah beat everybody else
an’ that brings me t’ t’night…”
[The camera pans back a little further, to show
Bedrock’s titanic shoulders, the scars upon them and
the WWA championship belt, held longer by him than any
champion in history.]
BEDROCK: “There comes a man ‘oo reckons ‘e ‘as what it
takes t’ put th’ Big Man down fe good. This is a guy
‘oo was beaten by Noah Prejudice, Bill Bartlett,
Jimmy-boy an’ th’ Vindicator. All men ‘oo Ah’ve
But this guy still thinks ‘e can beat me…
Well after t’night, ‘e won’t ‘ave t’…”
[The camera pans out further and we see, by Bedrock’s
side, his partner Wendy, pregnant with child.]
BEDROCK: “B’cause after t’night, this belt won’t
Ah ain’t ‘bout t’ lie down fe ye, Rosco… As far as
Ah’m concerned, this ‘ere’s just one more day in a
long tradition o’ shuttin’ people oop. Ye’ve got
intensity, skill an’ more importantly, ye’ve got me
respect boy, an’ that ain’t an easy thing t’ come by…
But ye’ve still got a nasty ‘abit of makin’ challenges
ye can’t back oop an’ no amount o’ revisionist ‘istory
is gonna change that. None o’ that, ‘Ah didn’t really
lose…’ crap that ye pedaled after ye loss t’ th’
Brawler. None o’ that ‘Ah beat Vindy’ crap ye’ve bin
spoutin’ since Ah saw ye lose t’ Vindy in th’ middle
o’ the ring.
That’s th’ real problem wit’ ye Rosco. All ye life
ye’ve built ye’self oop as bein’ th’ best but th’
simple truth is, ye ain’t.
As long as Ah’m around, ye not gonna be th’ best an’
it tears ye t’ pieces. You, with ye constant fartin’
about in gyms talkin’ ‘bout ‘ow serious ye are an’ ‘ow
ye a wrestlin’ machine. Really lad, Ah couldn’t be
bothered wit’ it.
And that’s why this is me last match…”
[There is a sudden noise of surprise from the crowd in
attendance at Bedrock’s announcement.]
BEDROCK: “Ah got more important things t’ worry ‘bout
now. Ah’m too old fe this shit.”
[Bedrock looks down at Wendy and she smiles up at
BEDROCK: [turning back to the camera] “In about two
minutes, Ah’m gonna come down t’ that ring, kick ye
arse and walk back here t’ me woman. After that, Ah
don’t give a crap. They can donate th’ belt t’ ye out
o’ sympathy fe all Ah care. After t’night Ah’m
[Bedrock turns to leave but pauses for a moment.]
BEDROCK: “Oh, an’ Rosco? Joost in case ye was getting’
ye opes up. Ah ain’t retired yet. T’night’s like any
other night which means Ah ain’t goin’ out on me
[With that, Bedrock strides off-screen and we cut to
ringside where we now see Rich and Sammy all bright
eyed and ready to continue on]
MANNING: "Wow, fans, it certainly has been a wild
night here at the beautiful American Airlines Arena in
KNIGHT: "What'd you say this arena was called?"
MANNING: "The American Airlines Arena."
KNIGHT: "Do you think there are any American Airlines
representatives here whom I could speak to? Because I
have a GREAT idea on how to prevent future terrorist
MANNING: "I don't know what the punchline is going to
be, Sammy, but this is really isn't appropriate
material for a joke."
KNIGHT: "It's not a joke! Listen, Rich, I heard that
Muslims think pigs are filthy animals. In fact, they
believe that if you're buried with one, you go
straight to hell!"
MANNING: "Is that really true?"
KNIGHT: "I heard it was. From a reliable source,
might I add."
MANNING: "Who might that be?"
KNIGHT: "Our beloved President, Emperor Leviathan.
Lots of Muslims in Malaysia, I think."
MANNING: "Oh, yeah, HE'S a trustworthy source. (Rich
rolls his eyes) Anyway, what do pigs have to do with
KNIGHT: "Rich, you really have no vision, do you?
Can't you see? We should put a pig on every plane!
That way, any suicide hijacker would condemning
himself to Hell! After all, if the plane crashes,
he's going to be buried with a pig, in effect!"
MANNING: "Sammy, I really don't think--"
KNIGHT: (interrupting) "Or maybe we could crossbreed
a pig and a mountain goat! And we'd get a new kind of
swine that could climb all around the mountains in
Afghanistan, scaring the hell out of terrorists in
hiding! Maybe they'd even find Osama bin Laden!"
MANNING: "What in the name of God are you talking
KNIGHT: (ignoring him) "Hey, Rich, I just thought of
something. Take away the "O" and the second "a" from
"Osama," and then take the "n" off "Laden."
MANNING: (confused) "sam bin Lade?"
KNIGHT: "Exactly! 'Sam's been laid!' See, Rich,
even within the name of an evil man, you can sometimes
find a positive message!"
MANNING: "Or an untruthful one, anyway. You haven't
been... 'laid'... anytime recently as far as I know."
KNIGHT: "Sure I have!"
MANNING: "That time Purple Nurple humped your leg
KNIGHT: (looking downcast) "Oh..."
MANNING: (shaking his head, sighing) "Anyway, sorry
about that, fans. The comments of Sammy Knight do not
necessarily reflect the opinions of the World
Wrestling Association. Sammy, you really should be
more careful when talking about such touchy subjects."
KNIGHT: "Since when are our fans the wimps you paint
them out to be, Rich? Are you telling me that these
same people who are here to watch Bedrock beat Rosco
into an unrecognizable pile of gore, or to see Rosco
twist and contort every inch of Bedrock's nearly
500-pound frame to the point that he looks like a
Picasso painting -- you're telling me that these fans
are too 'sensitive' to hear about the terrorist
MANNING: "Sammy, I'm just trying to avoid a Bill
KNIGHT: "Hey, all I did was offer a few suggestions
on how to alleviate the problem. Bill Maher outright
called the military cowards. Now that's far more
offensive than anything I've said, even though I think
Maher's First Amendment rights were totally violated
when he was taken off the air."
MANNING: "Okay, I guess you're right. You didn't go
so far as to call our brave soldiers 'cowards.'"
KNIGHT: "The CANADIAN army, on the other hand, has
got more p***ies in it than in the Playboy Mansion!"
KNIGHT: "Oh, come on, Rich! You know it's true! The
Canadians are the second largest country in the world,
yet somehow the least consequential in the overall
scheme of global politics!"
MANNING: "It may be a big country geographically, but
the population is relatively small--"
KNIGHT: (interrupting) "Which explains why they're
all inbred! Not enough genetic diversity! Hell, they
probably don't even know what genetics are up there.
They'd be confused as hell by the hog/mountain goat
crossbreed I proposed earlier, that's for sure! In
fact, Canadians don't even go to school! The only
thing they're taught is how to get sap out of a
MANNING: "ENOUGH! The more blabbering on you do, the
less time we have for our main event!"
KNIGHT: "Sorry, Rich, I just felt the need to warm up
a bit before the Main Event. I know we've been here
all night, but I have this weird feeling I haven't
done this for months."
MANNING: "You know, so do I... hmmm... strange."
KNIGHT: "It's almost as if our very speech is
scripted, and it's written by a different person for
each match. And the person scripting THIS match
hasn't done so in a while. So it might not be that
good, Rich. Be prepared. Brace yourself - you may
find yourself saying stupid things in the very near
future... well, I guess that's no surprise; let me
amend that... REALLY stupid things in the near
MANNING: "Sammy, when are you going to stop it with
these wild theories of some pantheon of outerworldly
beings who control our thoughts and actions? And I
thought the talk of a pig slash goat was weird."
KNIGHT: "Yet you accept the existence of KrackerJak's
talking goat without being even remotely dubious."
["Aenema" by Tool plays over the P.A. to a HUGE heel
MANNING: "It's the President of the WWA!"
KNIGHT: "And unlike another well-known President,
he's not getting a very nice reception here in Texas!"
[Leviathan is a dark-skinned man with long, loose,
straight black hair that is parted in the center,
tinted slightly blue, and perpetually wet. He is of
Malaysian descent. He is just above 6 feet tall and
is powerfully built, sort of a cross between Shawn
Michaels and Ken Shamrock (in their primes). He wears
an all-black suit and carries a microphone. He walks
down to the ring, climbs the steps and enters. The
music stops, though the crowd continues to boo
MANNING: "I wonder what Leviathan has to say."
KNIGHT: "Hopefully he found some obscure rule in the
WWA Handbook that says Canadians are ineligible for
World Title shots."
MANNING: "Wasn't Lord Keeblor a Canadian?"
KNIGHT: "No, he was from Parts Unknown."
MANNING: "Hmmm... where is Parts Unknown, anyway?"
KNIGHT: "Well, Rich, for you, Parts Unknown is
virtually anywhere on a woman's body!" (Sammy cracks
up at his own joke, slamming his fist on the table)
[Meanwhile, Leviathan raises the microphone to his
lips and glares at the crowd menacingly. Slowly, they
begin to quiet down.]
LEVIATHAN: (sarcastically) "Thank you for that
polite reception. Now you may not believe this, but
even _I_ have my limits when it comes to
talkativeness. And Rich and Sammy, you've been
rambling on for about ten minutes, holding up this
upcoming match! And I think everyone in this arena is
pretty anxious to see the Top Two men in our sport
square off, correct?"
[The crowd ERUPTS.]
LEVIATHAN: "Then, as you Americans say, 'Let's get
this party started right... let's get this party
started quickly.... right?"
LEVIATHAN: "That's what I thought. And as long as
I'm in the ring with the microphone, I might as well
do the introductions myself. Though I must say that
these two men really don't need any introductions.
They hold the two most prestigious titles in the
wrestling world, and tonight, both belts are leaving
this arena in the possession of one man. Which man
that will be, we can only speculate. But we're going
to find out very soon, because now, ladies and
gentlemen, it is time for the Main Event of NIGHT OF
[The crowd goes berserk again!]
MANNING: "What a milestone moment this is! Three
years almost to the day that the WWA put out its first
KNIGHT: "Considering Haplo won the belt that night,
it's amazing we lasted three _weeks_ after that
LEVIATHAN: "So now, let me introduce the combatants.
But first, let me give a warning to everyone in the
locker room: do NOT try to interfere in this match!
We are going to get a clean, clear-cut victor here
tonight. No cheap routes to victory, no excuses in
failure. And to ensure this..."
[Leviathan removes his jacket, tie, and shirt to
reveal a referee's shirt underneath! And yes, of
course, it has the sleeves cut off. The crowd gasps
LEVIATHAN: "So listen up, everyone! I'm going to be
right here in the ring, and if anyone other that the
two participants in the match makes their way down
here, they're going to be making a quick exit minus a
KNIGHT: "That's an empty threat as far as Rosco is
concerned. None of his Canadian friends who might
come down to help him HAVE any teeth!"
LEVIATHAN: "And don't expect to see ME get bumped
around, knocked out, or any crap like that!
[Huge crowd pop at the mention of the World Champion's
LEVIATHAN: "...and Rosco..."
[Another loud pop, this time at the mention of the
International Champion's name!]
LEVIATHAN: (eyes narrowing) "Keep it clean, or
you're going to answer to ME."
[Lots of "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing.]
MANNING: "Whoa! Can you imagine Leviathan in a
confrontation with Bedrock or Rosco!"
KNIGHT: "All three are experienced shootfighters,
Rich... it could get REALLY ugly. As if it won't be
ugly enough with Bedrock and a Canadian involved to
LEVIATHAN: "Now, FINALLY, let's bring out the
[The lights slowly dim.
A faint humming sound emits from the P.A., basically
the same sound the WWF uses as they lower a steel
cage... you know what I'm talking about.
Faint red, white, and blue strobelights begin to dart
about the arena, causing the crowd to make a great
deal of noise in anticipation of what they're about to
see: the main event of the biggest PPV of the year.
And possibly the biggest one-on-one match in WWA
history since BFB v. Logan, another Champion versus
And then suddenly...
So many pyrotechnics go off that it looks like a
nuclear war has erupted on the entrance way. Flames
shoot up, fireworks go off, and the end result is a
display that is both absolutely blinding and
deafening. The strobe lights brighten in intensity as
the main lights go back on, flashing around with far
MANNING: (shouting) "This is it! The match we've
all been waiting for!"
KNIGHT: "Please. The match I'VE been waiting for is
Anastasia Romanov versus Serenity Blue in a strip
match! When do I get to see that?"
MANNING: "When you go to bed tonight and start
KNIGHT: "Oh, Rich, you innocent man, you. I don't
plan on doing much sleeping tonight, if you know what
MANNING: "Found a girlfriend here in Texas, eh?"
KNIGHT: "I wish! It's that damned Purple Nurple,
wanting to hump me again! I have to stay up all night
or else he'll break into my hotel room and stealthily
do his business!"
MANNING: "How do you 'stealthily' hump someone?"
KNIGHT: "Well, he takes his pliers and... oh, you
don't want to know, Rich."
MANNING: "That's the first thing to come out of your
mouth all night that I actually believe."
[Over the P.A., the all too familiar guitar riffs of
Pantera's "Walk" begin to play, immediately following
the darkening of the lights, an explosion of strobes
around the entrance way, and a pair of blue spotlights
that roll over the rabid audience.]
#Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistence#
#One step from lashing out at you...#
#You want in to get under my skin#
#And call yourself a friend#
#I've got more friends like you#
#What do I do?#
KNIGHT: "It's Rob Van Dam!"
MANNING: "Like THAT wasn't the most obvious joke you
KNIGHT: "Obvious, yes. But it still HAD to be made,
[From the acrid smoke filling the entrance way emerges
a robe clad figure, an expansive hood pulled up and
over, enveloping his head and making his exact
identity indiscernible. The grey cloud forming around
his feet, he pauses, arms hanging at his side and his
head bowed. The lights shine off the leather/vinyl
material like robe, reflecting off the unmoving mass.]
KNIGHT: "I think we all know where _that_ smoke is
coming from! I'm already craving a burrito just from
getting a whiff of it."
MANNING: "Sammy, stop it! That's not RVD! It's
R-uh, whatever his middle initial is-R."
KNIGHT: "I heard that it was Adrian, actually. (he
snickers) No wonder he keeps it secret!"
#Is there no standard anymore?#
#What it takes, who I am, where I've been#
#You can't be something you're not#
#Be yourself, by yourself#
#Stay away from me#
#A lesson learned in life#
#Known from the dawn of time#
[The man, wearing dark wrestling boots with dark shin
pads/calflets over the tops starts making his way down
to the ring, robe still pulled over, as he
shadow-boxes his way down the aisle and past the hands
of the outreaching crowd.
The chorus kicking in, the fans cheer along, pumping
#RE - SPECT!#
#WHAT DO YOU SAY?#
#RE - SPECT!#
#ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?#
[Walking up the steel steps the figure makes his way
onto the apron, stepping through the ropes as the blue
spotlights converge on him in the middle of the ring.]
#Run your mouth when I'm not around#
#It's easy to achieve#
#You cry to weak friends that sympathize#
#Can you hear the violins playing you song?#
#Those same friends tell me your every word#
[Standing still he reaches up and pulls back his hood
to reveal, of course, Rosco Riggins. The WWA
International Champion and long-time star removes his
hood and raised both hands into the air to another
HUGE FACE POP!! The song still blaring he removes his
robe and hands it to a ring side official. It is then
that his build becomes obvious. A product of
unmatched dedication and intensity, he is a specimen
of dedication to this chosen endeavor. Each movement
is filled with precision and practiced grace from
years of training, he is an obvious product of
unparalleled work ethic. Shaven dark hair frames a
strong featured, clean-shaven face; handsome in a
rugged manner. His eyes, ice cold blue and intense,
shine with determination, giving him a look of utter
seriousness at all times.]
#Is there no standard anymore?#
#What it takes, who I am, where I've been#
#You can't be something you're not#
#Be yourself, by yourself#
#Stay away from me#
#A lesson learned in life#
#Known from the dawn of time#
[Clad in his trademark half blue, half black wrestling
trunks and matching elbow pads, Riggins looks as
intense as a man can be. Black boots, calflets and
kneepads accessorize his legs and his hands, and his
hands and forearms are covered in white athletic tape.
The International Championship Belt is around his
#RE - SPECT!#
#WHAT DO YOU SAY?#
#RE - SPECT!#
#WHAT DO YOU SAY?#
LEVIATHAN: "The following contest is set for one
fall, and is title-for-title. In other words, the
winner will leave with both the International
Championship and the World Wrestling Association
Championship! Introducing first, from Edmonton,
Alberta, Canada, he is possibly the greatest technical
wrestler in the WWA, perhaps in WWA history. From the
very beginning of his career, he has sought only the
most challenging of opponents. From every win he has
gained confidence, from every loss a learning
experience, and it has made him one of the most
dangerous men in the world today. At 6'2" and 245
pounds, he is a former NATV Champion and is the
current WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION INTERNATIONAL
CHAMPION... ROSCOOOOOOOOO RIGGINS!!!"
[Riggins moves to his corner, ignoring the crowd
cheers, officials... everyone. He simply prepares
himself mentally, stretching and rolling his arms and
shoulders, waiting for the match to commence...
...or at least he does for a few moments...
...and then his eyes narrow with even greater
intensity than before as he looks just beyond the
MANNING: (in a worried tone) "Uh, Sammy? (he tugs
at Sammy's Hawaiian shirt)"
KNIGHT: (munching on some cheese curls) "What is it,
Rich? Can't you see I'm eating?"
MANNING: "Sammy, Rosco is staring right at you! And
that is NOT a friendly look on his face!"
KNIGHT: "Pah! He's just looking at me with envy,
because while I sit here comfortably with my snack,
HE'S gpomg to get his Canadian carcass crippled by
MANNING: "Well, I guess we'll find out for sure very
quickly... BECAUSE HE'S COMING OVER HERE!"
KNIGHT: "What?!?" (he drops his bag of cheese
[Rosco Riggins leaps over the top rope to the floor,
walking... actually, more like stalking... up to the
announce table. He puts his palms down on it, staring
a hole into Sammy, who leans back, his eyes wide with
RIGGINS: (grabbing a microphone) "You know,
'Kingsize,' you've said a lot of bad things about
Canada over the last three years. I know you think
we're just a bunch of do-nothings who should have been
annexed into the U.S. a long time ago, as many
Americans seem to believe is destined to happen.
Well, just like Texas was able to survive just fine as
its own country--"
[The crowd ERUPTS with cheers... we all know how crazy
"Texas Pride" can be.]
RIGGINS: "--Canada's doing just fine, too. Despite
all the 'inbreds' and 'p***ies' that you seem to think
[Sammy stands up, holding his hands out in a
defensive, 'calm down' position. He flips a switch on
his headset, allowing the entire arena to hear what
KNIGHT: "Listen, Rosco, I didn't mean any of that.
The anti-Canadian thing just became a running gag
because of that loser Jerome Turner, aka Tremor
RIGGINS: "I don't believe you. I think you really DO
hate Canadians, and I want to know why!"
[Sammy backs up a step, but can go no further due to
the guard rail.]
KNIGHT: "Because... (he shakes his head, mustering
his courage, and puffs out his chest)... no, I'll
never tell you, you filthy Canuck! Just face it, our
country is the greatest in the world, and yours
absolutely SUCKS! Just look at our national symbols;
that says it all! We've got the majestic eagle as
ours! And what do you Canadian cremepuffs have? A
frickin' LEAF! That's right, a maple leaf! And
that's SO appropriate, because just like the Canadian
people, all it takes is a little wind and they fall
[The crowd is about half-and-half now, since Sammy
praised America and all.]
RIGGINS: "So you think the maple leaf is wussy, huh?"
KNIGHT: "You bet your last worthless Canadian quarter
RIGGINS: "Well, why don't we test that theory, shall
[With blinding speed, Rosco grabs Sammy by the shirt
collar, lifts him, and heaves him on the announce
table! The crowd goes nuts as Sammy lands on his
belly, sliding across the table until his head
collides with a monitor, halting him.]
[The International Champion then climbs up on the
table, plops down hard on Sammy's back, and begins to
wrench back on one of his legs with his version of
Lance Storm's Canadian Maple Leaf single-leg crab!]
[Need I mention that the crowd is going wild?]
MANNING: "OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! The
International Champion is showing Sammy that the Maple
Leaf is anything but wussy... in fact, Rosco's hooked
it on him and is pulling back as hard as he can! All
the insults Sammy's hurled at Canadians over the
years, from Jerome 'Tremor Christ' Turner to Alaric
Griffon, are coming back to haunt him at Riggins'
[Sammy continues to scream and pound the table
MANNING: "Finally, Leviathan's coming over here to
stop this madness!"
[Leviathan slides under the bottom rope, grabbing
Rosco's arm. Before he can start pulling, though,
Rosco pushes him in the chest, sending the surprised
former pit-fighter staggering back against the ring, a
wide-eyed look of shock on his face.]
MANNING: "HOLY CRAP! Riggins just pushed away the
President of the WWA!"
[Now Riggins finally releases the hold, but rolls
Sammy over on his back and sits on his chest. He
grabs Sammy's shirt-collar again, his hands only
milliseconds away from wrapping around his throat at
any given moment.]
RIGGINS: "C'mon, 'Kingsize!' Tell me why you hate
Canadians so much!"
KNIGHT: (nearly weeping) "Okay, okay! I'll tell!
(in a mournful tone, reminiscent of when the King of
Druidia agreed to give the password to the air shield
to Dark Helmet in "Spaceballs") I'll tell..."
RIGGINS: "Then speak up! (snidely) My genetically
defective Canadian ears don't hear that well!" (he
holds the microphone up to Sammy's lips)
[Sammy chokes up a bit, then begins to speak.]
KNIGHT: (between sobs) "Okay, okay, it all started
back in the late 60's. Or was it the early 70's? Ah,
who cares, no one remembers anything from that era,
what with all the drugs available. Anyway, the
Vietnam draft was underway. I remember sitting in my
dorm room in college with the TV on, trying to divert
my attention from my roommate, who was busy having sex
with the equine mascot of a rival school, which we had
stolen earlier that day."
[The crowd "eeeews" in loud unison.]
KNIGHT: "Anyway, despite all the grunting and
neighing and all that, I still heard, much to my
horror, my number being called! I had been drafted
into the Vietnam War!"
MANNING: "Sammy, I had no idea. How brave you were
to serve your country--"
KNIGHT: "What the hell are you talking about, Rich!
I didn't go! I did what any reasonable person would
do: I high-tailed it outta there and went straight
north to the sanctity of Canada!"
[The crowd boos Sammy's draft-dodging... after all, no
Texan would ever duck a fight! Yeah! Yee-haw! Don't
Mess With Texas, Baby!]
KNIGHT: "Once I got there, though, I realized that I
had no money! Sure, I'd been accidentally given
Canadian quarters for years, but I never thought I'd
need them and so I spent them all on those machines
with the claw and the stuffed animals--"
RIGGINS: "Get to the point!"
[Meanwhile, Leviathan surprisingly does not go after
Riggins again. Like everyone else in the arena, he is
completely absorbed into Sammy's long-awaited
explanation of his hatred for all things Canadian.]
KNIGHT: "Anyway, that's when I turned to the Toronto
pro-wrestling scene to make my money. And I turned
out to be quite good at it! My record was great...
after all, I was just wrestling a bunch of Canadian
weakli-- er, I mean, the fierce Canadian competition
was conditioning me to be one tough hombre, allowing
me to accumulate a healthy number of victories. I was
even attracting a fanbase. In fact, there were these
two little skinny kids with long, blonde hair who came
to my every show. They'd tell me that I 'reeked of
awesomeness' and stuff like that. It was great.
Believe it or not, I was beginning to truly LOVE
[The crowd is in shock.]
KNIGHT: "But then those two little kids betrayed me!
I thought I knew them, but I never knew them. I knew
only what they allowed me to know; I was just a
MANNING: "What do you mean?"
KNIGHT: "You see, it turns out that these kids were
great friends with this American guy... I think he
lived in Olympia, Washington, guarding one part of the
U.S./Canadian border. Anyway, he had recruited these
kids into Project ECK, or Evicting Cowards from
RIGGINS: "Canada doesn't begin with a 'K'!"
KNIGHT: "I know, but Project ECC was already taken by
the Ermine Copulation Coalition."
RIGGINS: "Oh.... kay."
MANNING: "How did these little kids get involved in
an American military project like this?"
KNIGHT: "Because the guy from Olympia tricked them
into thinking they were joining Project X, not ECK,
and that they'd be playing flight simulators with apes
all day! And what kid could resist that? Anyway,
they squealed on me when they found out I was a
MANNING: "How'd they find out?"
KNIGHT: "Well, a draft came through the window on one
cold night, and I moved out its direct path. They saw
this as symbolic of potential draft-dodging in a
different sense. It wasn't hard for them to figure it
out after their suspicions had been aroused. And so a
task force from Project ECK showed up at my door one
day, and only a few months later, I was shipped off to
that jungle hellhole called Vietnam to face certain
death! And the Canadians didn't try to protect me at
all! They just let the American military barge into
their country and take a proud, working contributor to
their economy and nation in general away. What's
weaker and more shameful than that, I ask you!"
MANNING: "Sammy, so in the end you really WERE a
KNIGHT: "Yes I was, and believe me, it nearly was the
end of me! I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't that
bad when you were buying prostitutes for a nickel
each, but once you actually got sent out into the
jungle and people started hurling bombs at you, well,
that's where I draw the line!"
RIGGINS: "How did a slug like you ever survive?"
KNIGHT: "Well, after taking some serious shrapnel to
the posterior one day, I knew that war was not for me.
I fled north, disguising myself as a tree. And I'd
take a few quick steps to the left, a few to the
right, etc., just like they do in Looney Tunes
cartoons. But eventually, I made it through North
Vietnam, and found myself in China. But I just
continued to do my tree impersonation, which I'm sure
looked quite strange as I darted through the packed
streets of Shanghai. I was finally caught,
unfortunately, by Chinese authorities."
MANNING: (wide-eyed) "Did they torture you?"
KNIGHT: "Oh, most definitely! I was thrown in my
prison cell, and my guard was this goofy Bruce Lee
wannabe who kept singing annoying pop songs! I tried
to escape at one point, but he caught me and speared
me with such force that we both crashed right through
the wall! I had escaped the Chinese prison! And so I
continued north into the U.S.S.R. I was quickly
discovered, and one of the border guards promptly took
me down with a Russian legsweep! And it was then that
I was shipped off to Siberia!"
KNIGHT: "Yep. It was there that I found a troop of
Siberian snow monkeys, who received me kindly,
inviting me into their hot springs and teaching me how
to throw my frozen feces at enemies for maximum
MANNING: "Hey, didn't you once say Tremor Christ was
raised by Siberian snow monkeys?"
KNIGHT: "No, he was raised by _Yukon_ snow monkeys.
Big difference, Rich. Anyway, after a few years, I
knew it was time to leave. I felt guilty. After all,
_they_ supplied me with plenty of food, namely the
bugs and parasites that I'd pick from their fur, but I
had no fur to harbor any potential meals for them.
And so I left. Many of the females were heartbroken,
as I had sired many of their children in that time
EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ARENA SIMULTANEOUSLY: "What?!?"
KNIGHT: (shaking his head) "Wrestling fans... they
never get tired of the Stone Cold impersonations, do
they? But anyway, yeah, I must have doubled the size
of their tribe single-handedly! So if you ever see a
particularly hairy guy spending an excessive amount of
time in a spa, he's probably a descendant of mine."
[Again, everyone gives the same reaction in unison,
this time it being another "eeeewwww!"]
KNIGHT: "Anyway, I traveled east, crossing the Bering
Strait like cavemen did eons ago. Granted, there's no
land bridge anymore, and about 1/100 of the way
through I began to freeze and drown. But an angel
from Heaven must have been smiling down on me that
day, as an illegal whaling ship came by and took me
aboard. And it offered to take me to nearby Canada.
So I sat among the decaying blubber of the murdered
whales all that night, trying to decide what to do
next. And frankly, I couldn't stand the idea of going
back to Canada. Not after they failed to protect me!
Not after they betrayed me!"
MANNING: "So where did you go instead?"
KNIGHT: "I finally convinced them to take me a bit
farther south, to Washington state, specifically,
where I planned to hunt down the evil leader of
MANNING: "Did you find him?"
KNIGHT: "No; unbeknownst to me, he had moved to
Pittsburgh or something. But as I continued to
explore Washington, eventually I _did_ find Kurt...
Cobain, that is. Of course, he was only about two at
the time and didn't really have any 'tortured genius'
insight to give me at that point, so I left, traveling
south to California. And it was safe there, because
the military never drafted anyone from that state,
what with them all being on drugs already and
completely unsuitable for service. And so I hung out
there until the end of the war, at which point I
continued my wrestling career... under a different
name, of course."
MANNING: "So Sammy Knight isn't your real name?"
KNIGHT: "Well, I used to go by Sam Knight. But the
addition of the 'my' just _totally_ threw the FBI and
CIA operatives who were looking for me WAY off track.
And eventually I moved to Chicago, got to know
everyone involved in the local wrestling scene there,
and was snatched up by the CWC--"
LEVIATHAN: "Hey, I was the undefeated World Champion
of that federa--"
EVERYONE IN THE ARENA SIMULTANEOUSLY: "WE KNOW, WE
LEVIATHAN: (looking downcast, shuffling his feet)
"Well, sorry. I still think it's a good story..."
KNIGHT: "Anyway, after the CWC folded, I joined the
upstart WWA. And the rest is history. Satisfied?"
RIGGINS: "So THAT'S why you hate Canadians? For not
harboring your cowardly fugitive ass? For not
granting you asylum when your country needed you
KNIGHT: "And for giving us Jerome Turner. But that
was much later."
[Rosco does NOT look satisfied with Sammy's answer.]
RIGGINS: "You know, Sammy, I'm in the right mind to
put you right back in that Maple Leaf..."
[The crowd cheers. Sammy looks terrified, alternating
between rubbing his battered knee and back.]
RIGGINS: "But I'm not going to. I'll get to you
later. For now, I'm going to save all my anger and
hatred that I have for you... and I'm going to unleash
it on Bedrock."
[The Rosco fans in the crowd go NUTS. Sammy's bottom
lip begins to quiver.]
RIGGINS: "See you after the match, 'Kingsize.'"
[Rosco smiles and straightens Sammy's shirt mockingly.
Then, after exchanging menacing glares with
Leviathan, he slides back into the ring to await the
arrival of his opponent.]
MANNING: "Wow, Sammy, that was quite a story. Did
you really live with Siberian Snow Monkeys for a few
KNIGHT: "You'd better believe I did. In fact, I
spent so much time in the spas, my skin is permanently
prune-like. Wanna see?"
MANNING: "Uh, no."
KNIGHT: "Are you sure? It's kind of like a Sharpei
dog's. Unfortunately for us Sharpei-looking people,
we're hunted down by evil cosmetologists seeking to
find the perfect anti-wrinkle cream, and they use US
in their foul experiments."
MANNING: "Whatever, Sammy. Leviathan's back in the
ring, ready to introduce the big guy!"
[The intro to Black Sabbath’s “NIB” thunders out of
the speakers as the hulking form of Bedrock steps out
of the curtain. The opening riff explodes as the giant
Londoner roars, looking vaguely surprised to be
receiving such a loud _positive_ reaction.]
LEVIATHAN: "And his opponent... from London, England…
at 6'7" and 475 pounds... he is a former International
Champion... he is the only wrestler in history to hold
the Tag-Team Titles singlehandedly, and his current
reign as the WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION CHAMPION is
already record-breaking, nearing ten months!... here
he is, the man they don't call GODROCK for nothing...
perhaps the most intimidating presence in the history
of the WWA... here he is, the one, the only, the
incomparable British Behemoth, BEDROOOOOOCK!!!"
MANNING: "Man, Levi's really in his best 'Michael
Buffer mode' tonight, isn't he?"
KNIGHT: "Hehe... I love Michael Buffer. Especially
the time he introduced Sting as 'only wanting to win
by achieving victory.'"
[Bedrock looks as though he has been hewn from a
mountain of granite. Titanic shoulders and a bull-neck
give him the appearance of a giant bulldog while his
torso is powerful and thick. The slabs of muscle on
his mighty body are not shapeless but actually well
defined and rippled. This massive physique is mounted
on legs that would befit a rhinoceros and his hands
are broad and callused. Atop his corded neck sits a
most horrible bald cranium. His face speaks of a vast
capacity for cruelty and of a long history of
violence. His irises are blood red and his incisors
are pointed. Bushy, black eyebrows and a thick, dark
beard define a face weathered and creased by a long
life of hardship. Furthermore, the many unhealed
lashes on his back serve as a reminder of the vicious
attack he suffered at the hands of the PTA about a
[The World Title belt is draped over his left
shoulder. In the ring, he wears one piece,
Olympic–style wrestling tights like those worn by the
Steiner Brothers. The tights are black and are
accompanied by black mid-calf boots, black wrist tape
and black kneepads. It should be noted that his boots
are of a highly unorthodox, steel-capped hobnail
variety. Of course, these are a blatant rule
transgression but Bedrock has somehow obtained a note
from a qualified podiatrist stating that these boots
are essential for his orthopedic well being. Are YOU
going to argue the point with him? Anyway, the general
impression is that of Viscera’s skeleton wrapped in
Scott Norton’s muscles- vast and powerful. He flicks
his head back, fixes his glare on the ring and strides
forward, baring his pointed incisors and cracking his
MANNING: "Is it my imagination, or does Bedrock get
bigger and scarier looking every time I see him?"
KNIGHT: "It's not just you. With every victory he
racks up, he looks even more invincible than before.
And considering he's totally shattered the Babyface
Brawler's record for the longest WWA world title
reign, he's accumulated a LOT of victories."
MANNING: "Bedrock now entering the ring, and neither
he nor Riggins has taken their eyes off the other!
There's definitely mutual respect here, but there's
also a mutual desire to rip each other apart and walk
out of Dallas tonight with both titles."
[Speaking of both titles, Leviathan takes both belts
and holds them high in the air. The crowd cheers.]
KNIGHT: "Man, my back and leg still hurt. Damn that
filthy Canadian Rosco! Damn him to hell, or, in other
words, send him back to Canada!"
MANNING: "Bedrock may very well send him back to
Canada, though I'd give Riggins _at least_ an equal
chance of perhaps sending Bedrock back to England.
Anyway, both men stalking toward each other, now
KNIGHT: "Or at least they _would_ be looking at each
other eye-to-eye if Riggins weren't such a shrimp!"
MANNING: "Riggins is actually quite a large man,
Sammy. But just about EVERYONE looks small compared
[Leviathan looks to be explaining the rules to both
men, neither of whom seem to be listening. He then
pats them down, searching for foreign objects, but
finds none. All the while, Riggins and the British
Behemoth continue their staredown, seemingly not even
blinking. Having completed his pre-match duties,
Leviathan motions to the timekeeper to ring the bell.]
texanspaniard - February 13, 2009 11:02 PM (GMT)
***DING DING DING***
MANNING: "And this crowd is on their feet as Riggins
and Bedrock slowly back away from each other, neither
one's eyes leaving the other's."
KNIGHT: "Both these guys have to play it REALLY safe
here. One wrong move, and Riggins will grab a limb
and break it in two with some bizarre judo hold or
MANNING: "And one wrong move, and Bedrock can grab a
limb and break it in two with just sheer power."
KNIGHT: "Especially a fragile Canadian limb--"
MANNING: (interrupting) "Aren't you in enough
[Sammy seems ready to retort, then quickly thinks the
better of it and keeps his mouth shut.]
MANNING: "Bedrock and Rosco now circling each other,
each hoping the other will make the first offensive
attack, and each hoping they'll be able to reverse
that attack and do some real damage. Bedrock's
obviously prepared for this one; he's bringing
everything he learned in the fighting pits of London
into this match against a guy like Riggins.
KNIGHT: "And Rosco's always quite prepared himself, I
must admit. His training regiment is pretty much
MANNING: "Bedrock charges with his arms outstretched,
but Rosco ducks under the grab attempt!"
KNIGHT: "But Bedrock saw that coming! He comes to a
complete stop immediately, catching Riggins with a
nasty back elbow as soon as the dumb Canadian turned
MANNING: "That definitely took Riggins by surprise,
as he plummets to the mat with a thud! He looks to be
out of it; I think that elbow caught him right in the
KNIGHT: "And Bedrock is coming off the ropes... he
MANNING: "NO! Rosco was playing possum, and he
dodges the elbowdrop! And now he quickly applies an
arm bar on Bedrock's right arm!"
[Another big pop!]
KNIGHT: "Good strategy; that's the arm that smashed
into the mat when Bedrock missed with the elbowdrop."
MANNING: "Bedrock grimacing with pain as Rosco
continues to try to wrench his arm right out of the
KNIGHT: "Well, Riggins knows all about that arm and
shoulder, Rich. Remember how he injured Bedrock there
in their last encounter?"
MANNING: "Indeed I do, and I'm sure Bedrock hasn't
forgotten, either. Or at any rate, the horrible agony
he's experiencing now is serving as one hell of a
KNIGHT: "But look! Bedrock's pained expression is
changing into one of determination and anger! And you
don't want to be on the opposite end of a determined,
MANNING: "Bedrock takes in a deep breath... and using
his awesome power, he rolls in Rosco's direction! And
he now he has Riggins folded up in a schoolboy-type
pin! And Referee Leviathan is right there!"
[Kickout by Riggins!]
KNIGHT: "Right there you saw Bedrock's weight
advantage, Rich. Riggins has only taken one elbow
shot in this match, and if any other man tried to pin
him like that, he'd kick out at one at the latest!
But because he had to push 475 pounds of Bedrock off
him, he was only barely able to escape in time!"
MANNING: "Good point, Sammy. Now Riggins using his
deceptive strength to hold on to Bedrock's arm, even
as the big man starts to get to his feet! Bedrock
stands up, but has the International Champion wrapped
around his right arm!"
[Big crowd pop as Bedrock simply lifts Rosco above his
head and slams him down HARD on the mat.]
MANNING: "Ohmygod! Did you see how high Bedrock
lifted the IN champion? Can you believe that
KNIGHT: "I think that's probably the farthest up
Riggins has ever been, and that says something
considering he's from the Great White North!"
MANNING: "'Up' and 'North' aren't synonymous terms,
KNIGHT: (grumbling) "Well, maybe not, but 'Rich
Manning' and 'condescending prick' certainly are!"
MANNING: (ignoring him) "Whoa! This time Bedrock
hits the elbowdrop! Right in the heart! Rosco
writhes around on the mat until Bedrock goes for the
[Kickout! Big mixed crowd pop!]
MANNING: "Bedrock now pulling Rosco up, putting him
in position for a powerbomb!"
KNIGHT: "And he's facing the turnbuckle! It could be
time for 'Bedtime!'
MANNING: "Good god! Bedrock lifts Rosco for the
powerbomb, then slams him down into the corner! And
as Riggins begins to fall flat on his face, Bedrock
catches him and scoops him up for an Oklahoma Slam!"
KNIGHT: "Just like that other British guy... you
know, the dog guy who tried to kill his wife or
something... anyway, why's it called the Oklahoma Slam
if all the people who do it are Brits, anyway?"
MANNING: (ignoring him) "Bedrock charges!... NO!
Rosco slips out from behind! And Bedrock whirls
around... GOOD NIGHT! Rosco leaps into the air in a
desperation move, catching Bedrock right in that
massive chin of his with one of the best standing
dropkicks I've ever seen!"
[Big mixed pop!]
[Bedrock staggers back into the opposite corner,
leaning heavily on the ropes but not falling to the
MANNING: "Bedrock's back smashed right into that
turnbuckle; that simply CAN'T feel good considering
how many times the PTA lashed his back with a whip!"
KNIGHT: "Yep, he's got more scars on his back than
Sabu has on his whole body! And now to make matters
worse, Riggins is breaking out the one good staple of
Canadian wrestling... the knifehand chop!"
MANNING: "Riggins hacks at that immense chest of
KNIGHT: "OUCH! I could practically feel that from
MANNING: "And I think even the fans in the highest
rafters of this sold-out arena can hear those chops
resonate quite perfectly! I don't envy Bedrock in the
least right now!"
KNIGHT: "As opposed to before, when you DID envy him
for his wonderful childhood and striking good looks
and attractive figure?"
MANNING: "Never mind. Riggins with another chop..."
MANNING: "Now Riggins Irish-whipping Bedrock to the
far side... but Bedrock reverses, and he sends Riggins
slamming into the turnbuckle! Now the International
Champion is dazed in the corner!"
KNIGHT: "But he did his damage to Bedrock's arm, and
the big man's already nursing it. I think he strained
it reversing that Irish Whip!"
MANNING: "You may be right, Sammy. But now Bedrock's
eyes are narrowing; he's shutting out the pain! He
charges Rosco with a leaping Avalanche (Stinger
Splash)... but NO! Rosco dives out of the way!"
KNIGHT: "And now Bedrock is lying across that
turnbuckle! And what's worse, he's busted open! His
head hit the ringpost as he flew over that top
[Huge mixed pop!]
MANNING: "Rosco now climbing up the ropes behind
Bedrock's prone form... he may not be able to lift
Bedrock much while on the mat, but with the ropes
already holding the big guy in the air, Rosco's going
to be able to suplex him to his heart's content!"
KNIGHT: "And aside from trying to look intense in his
gym on War of the Words, there's nothing he likes to
do more than to suplex people!"
MANNING: "Rosco puts his head under one of Bedrock's
arms and grabs the big guy's legs... with a grunt he
lifts as much as he can!... GOOD GOD AND BABY JESUS!
ROSCO JUST HIT BEDROCK WITH A BACKDROP DRIVER! OFF
THE TOP ROPE! GOOD LORD!"
[ENORMOUS mixed pop!]
KNIGHT: "Shades of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams...
except HE doesn't do it from the top rope! Bedrock's
neck may be as thick as a Simpsonian all-syrup
slushee, but I'm not sure even it can withstand 475
pounds crashing down on it!"
MANNING: "Indeed, that move drops you right on your
neck, and is definitely deserving of its reputation as
one of the most dangerous moves in wrestling!
Especially when it's hit off the top rope! And now
Bedrock lies on his stomach, unmoving!"
KNIGHT: "Riggins is lying on the mat, too, though. I
think lifting Bedrock, even with the extra leverage of
the ropes on his side, really took a lot out of him!"
MANNING: "Can't hold that against him; he IS only
about half Bedrock's size."
KNIGHT: "I imagine he's only about half Bedrock's
size in PLENTY of respects. That's why I think
accepting a match with Bedrock, a career-ender if I
ever saw one, shows that Riggins is really
MANNING: (interrupting) "Okay, okay, we get the
KNIGHT: "I'm not joking, Rich! Have you seen the
size of Rizer, Bedrock's son? Good lord! The champ's
sperm must be the size of sperm whales!"
KNIGHT: "And I bet he does it 'humpback'-style, if
you catch my meaning."
MANNING: (through gritted teeth) "Sammy, just call
KNIGHT: (continuing to ignore Rich) "And I bet
Bedrock never has to settle for anything but the
finest the female gender has to offer. I bet all the
girls he gets have absolutely enormous belugas."
MANNING: "STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! Enough with the
KNIGHT: (chuckling) "Well, Rich, to be fair, they're
not just simply 'whale jokes.' They're also di--"
MANNING: (cutting him off) "STOP IT! Children are
KNIGHT: "And knowing their video game-induced
pathetic attention spans, they'd probably have flipped
the channel had I not gone to the comedy! After all,
there's nothing to see here! Both Bedrock and Riggins
are lying on the mat, with Leviathan counting both of
them out! He's up to seven!"
MANNING: "And the crowd is reaching the proverbial
fever pitch, certainly not wanting to see this match
end in a double count-out."
KNIGHT: "I think these rabid Texan fans would riot
and destroy the city if THAT happened."
MANNING: "Rosco starting to get up... he crawls over
to Bedrock on his hands and knees and rolls the
Behemoth over on his back! And now he goes for the
KNIGHT: "This is it!"
[Huge military press kickout!]
MANNING: "WHOA! Bedrock just LAUNCHED Rosco, who
flies between the top and middle ropes and lands with
a thud on the floor!"
KNIGHT: (sarcastically) "Luckily for him he has that
1/4 inch mat to protect him."
MANNING: "Bedrock now rolling out of the ring,
hanging on to the bottom rope for a moment to keep
steady as he shakes the cobwebs loose."
KNIGHT: "Let's just hope he doesn't shake too hard; I
doubt that battered neck would take to that very
MANNING: "Rosco rises, and Bedrock quickly charges,
leaping toward him with a vertical splash!"
KNIGHT: "A what?"
MANNING: "A body avalanche. You know... he calls it
'The Brick Wall.'"
[Sammy's expression remains blank.]
MANNING: (exasperated, he sighs) "Okay, okay, he did
that thing that Vader does when he sends his chest
flying into an opponent while simultaneously sort of
flapping his arms horizontally."
KNIGHT: "Ohhhhh... why didn't you just say so?"
MANNING: "Well, no matter what you call it, it
certainly seems effective. In fact, Bedrock's pulling
Rosco up to his feet, and now the International
Champion is staggering about, a fogged over look in
his eyes! And Bedrock takes a few steps back... I
think he's going for the second 'Brick Wall' in a
KNIGHT: "There's that famous vicious streak of the
champ's coming into play now!"
MANNING: "Bedrock charges... NO! Bedrock leaps, and
Riggins catches him in mid-air, quickly using all his
leverage to fall back, sending the British Behemoth
sailing over him in a belly-to-belly overhead suplex!"
MANNING: "AND HE LANDED RIGHT ON THOSE STEEL STEPS!"
[GARGANTUAN pop! The crowd is going... as they say...
bonkers! "Holy shit" chants quickly spread throughout
the entire arena!]
MANNING: "Have you EVER seen anyone pull a move like
that off on Bedrock?"
KNIGHT: "I don't think so. What's more, I think he
landed on that injured shoulder of his!"
MANNING: "Bedrock is really not having a good night
tonight, and Riggins is quick to capitalize. Oh, no.
[Half the crowd cheers with bloodthirst, while the
other cringes with horror, as Riggins drags the steel
steps out from under Bedrock. He lifts them high in
the air above his head...]
MANNING: "GOOD HEAVENS! Rosco just slammed those
steel steps down on Bedrock's shoulder!"
KNIGHT: "Bedrock's trying to fight back, though...
but no! Riggins slams the steps right into his
already bloody face!"
MANNING: "Emperor Leviathan slides to the outside,
warning Riggins that he'll be disqualified if he
doesn't take this match back into the ring."
KNIGHT: "Referees always try to avoid DQ's and
countouts in big main events like this, though. Of
course, Rosco's never been in a big main event before,
so I guess maybe he doesn't know that."
MANNING: "Riggins reaching down, pulling Bedrock up
to an upright sitting position. Now he wraps a
front-face-lock around the champ's massive skull, and
appears to be trying to pull him back to his feet."
KNIGHT: "And Bedrock is grimacing, as if trying to
stand himself. But if you look at him closely, Rich,
he isn't trying to stand at all; I think he's hoping
that Riggins will expend all his strength and energy
trying to lift him himself, thinking that Bedrock is
doing at least some of the work."
MANNING: "I think you're right, Sammy; Bedrock is
pulling one over on Rosco here."
KNIGHT: "It's amazing he can think of clever plans
like that after just getting whacked on the head with
the steel steps; I guess that's when having a
rhinoceros-esque skull comes in handy."
MANNING: "Rosco's got him up to one knee, and now I
MANNING: "Whoa! Out of nowhere, Bedrock charges
forward, absolutely CRUSHING Rosco against the steel
KNIGHT: "And Rosco is completely staggered, but
Bedrock isn't relenting. HOLY CRAP! He just SMASHED
Rosco's nose with one of the most savage headbutts
I've ever seen!"
[Blood spurting from his nose, Riggins is sent
flipping over the guardrail into the front row,
landing on his belly and face.]
MANNING: "Both men are busted open now; in fact,
Rosco's nose may be broken."
KNIGHT: "He should count himself lucky! Maybe now he
won't be able to smell his own foul Canadian stench
all the time!"
MANNING: "Just out of curiosity, what does this 'foul
Canadian stench' smell like?"
KNIGHT: "Uh... bacon, I think."
MANNING: "You really know your stuff, Sammy. (he
rolls his eyes) Anyway, Rosco is refusing to give up;
he's already starting to pull himself up on the safety
railing. But look at the British Behemoth! He's gone
and grabbed the ring bell!"
KNIGHT: "And Leviathan is quick to get in his way,
but Bedrock just walks right through him. And at only
230 or so, there's not much Leviathan can do about
MANNING: "Maybe there is! Bedrock lifts the bell
high above his head, preparing to smash it down on
Rosco's head! But look! Referee Leviathan just came
up from behind and grabbed hold of the belt! He's
trying to pull it away from Bedrock... OH... MY...
GOD! GOOD LORD! Bedrock just flinged Leviathan OVER
HIS HEAD with that ring bell they were both holding!
Leviathan just sailed into the second row!"
[The fans in that area scream and scatter, while the
rest of the arena erupts in "Holy Shit" chants once
MANNING: "Leviathan is down, holding his back and
wincing in pain!"
KNIGHT: "That's one GOOD thing about the WWA
President refereeing this match. His salary depends
on the company's overall profits, and Levi knows that
DQ's and countouts are NOT what the people want to see
and NOT what they're willing to pay money for. I bet
Leviathan doesn't disqualify Bedrock even after that."
MANNING: "Well, he didn't disqualify Riggins for his
excessive brutality with those steel steps, so I'd say
that's actually quite likely. Anyway, Bedrock lifts
the bell above his head again... but Rosco counters,
grabbing on to the security railing and using it to
launch himself over it toward Bedrock with a Harlem
KNIGHT: "HA! But Bedrock drops the bell upon impact,
and it lands right on Rosco's head as he lands and
staggers forward! And before he can even fall,
Bedrock rolls him under the bottom rope. He climbs in
himself and hooks the leg!"
MANNING: "But there's no referee!"
[In frustration, Bedrock slaps his hand down against
the mat three times to a large pop, and then does it
again to another large pop.]
KNIGHT: "Bedrock should have this match won!"
MANNING: "Why? Because he knocked Riggins out with a
KNIGHT: "He didn't mean to! It was Riggins who
attacked him and caused him to drop it!"
MANNING: "But he was TRYING to hit Rosco's head with
KNIGHT: "You don't know that! He might have been
planning to hit the security railing... I bet the
clanging noise would have really hurt Rosco's ears!"
MANNING: "Oh, please. Anyway, Rosco is starting to
stir, getting up to his hands and knees now that
Bedrock's moved toward us, demanding the poor
timekeeper to go find another referee."
KNIGHT: "No need, Rich. Leviathan's finally fought
through the mob to get back into the ring, though he
still looks to be favoring his back."
MANNING: "Bedrock turns around and sees Rosco... he
bends over and wraps those mammoth arms around Rosco's
waist.... he lifts him up with a gutwrench...
MANNING: "OH MY LORD! BEDROCK JUST
GUTWRENCH-POWERBOMBED RIGGINS RIGHT OVER THE TOP ROPE
AND THROUGH THE FRENCH ANNOUNCE TABLE!!!"
CROWD: "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!"
KNIGHT: "Ha! Bedrock's not only a master of sadism,
he's a master of symbolism! That's his way of
spitting on French-speaking Canadians, or Rosco's
MANNING: "And Bedrock now heads to the outside
himself, pulling a helpless Riggins out of the rubble.
He lifts him... inverted shoulderbreaker! A little
payback for the way Riggins has been punishing Bedrock
in the shoulder."
KNIGHT: "But he doesn't drop him! What strength! He
stands up, still holding Riggins upside-down, and
drops him stomach-first right on the guard-rail! That
had to hurt!"
MANNING: "And now Bedrock furiously unloading punches
at Rosco's temples, trying to force a submission out
KNIGHT: "Notice how he's only using his left arm,
though, Rich. I'm telling you, Rosco's done some
serious damage to that right one, and it's certainly
taken a lot out of the big guy's punching game."
MANNING: "Riggins is in serious pain here, but he
doesn't submit, instead falling back into the crowd
but staying on his feet."
KNIGHT: "But Bedrock reaches over the railing and
grabs him... T-BONE SUPLEX OVER THE RAILING!"
MANNING: "Riggins' body just smacked against the ring
apron, and now he falls to the floor. Bedrock
advances on him, but Riggins quickly rolls under the
KNIGHT: "And Bedrock's going to have a hard time
following him; with that gut of his, even if he lies
on his belly he's still about five feet tall!"
MANNING: "Indeed, Bedrock isn't trying to follow him.
He heads back into the ring, using his massive hand
to wipe away the blood still dripping from his
KNIGHT: "Both these guys are busted open, Rich, but
as bad as Bedrock looks right now, Rosco might be even
worse off. After all, he probably has a broken nose.
And the last thing you want if you're wrestling is to
have trouble breathing."
MANNING: "Very true, Sammy, though Bedrock was busted
open a good while before Riggins was, and I think he's
starting to feel its effects. The blood loss is
starting to get to him."
KNIGHT: "Not to mention being suplexed onto those
stairs seems to have reopened a few of the whip wounds
on his back."
MANNING: "Hey, look! It's Rosco, crawling out from
beneath the ring! And he's got a LADDER WITH HIM!"
[The crowd is going wild!]
MANNING: "Bedrock is still in a blood-loss induced
daze as Rosco sets up the ladder on the outside, and
now he climbs to the top, facing the ring!"
KNIGHT: "I think Bedrock heard the extra crowd noise
through the haze... he's turning around to see what
the fuss is about!"
MANNING: "And Riggins leaps off the top of the ladder
into the ring... HURRICANRANA ON BEDROCK! HE TOOK THE
BIG MAN OVER!"
KNIGHT: "Isn't that move called the 'Litacanrana'
MANNING: "Bedrock back up to his hands and knees, but
Riggins stands over him and grabs his arms, crossing
them in front of the British Behemoth's face! And now
he's pulling back, wrenching the neck!"
KNIGHT: "What the hell is this move?"
MANNING; "It's called the Straightjacket Camel
Clutch, or as Rosco likes to call it, 'The
KNIGHT: "What the hell do white guys in Cairo have to
do with this move?"
MANNING: (sighing) "Leviathan obligatorily asking
Bedrock if he wants to quit, but it's hard to imagine
Bedrock EVER quitting. Though if anyone has enough
submission knowledge to pull it off, it's most
certainly our current International Champion."
KNIGHT: "Bedrock's trying to stand, but Rosco keeps
leaping up and crashing his weight down on the champ's
back! Dirty Canadian tactics!"
MANNING: "If Bedrock were doing that move to Rosco,
you'd be cheering him, not calling his tactics
KNIGHT: "If Bedrock were doing that move, crashing
his near 500 pounds down on puny Rosco, this match
would be over and I could go to a strip club or
something. So you're damned right I'd be cheering
MANNING: "Leviathan continuing to ask Bedrock if
he'll give up, and I think Bedrock's getting angry at
the simple _suggestion_ that he'd ever quit! He
starting to stand up! He's back on his feet! What
KNIGHT: "But Rosco's still clinging to his back, now
wrapping his legs around Bedrock's huge waist with a
MANNING: "But Bedrock charges backward, sandwiching
Rosco hard between himself and the turnbuckle!"
[A mix of cheers and groans of sympathy pains erupts
from the crowd.]
MANNING: "And now Bedrock is clubbing Rosco with
those vicious forearm shots, a la Vader. This is
KNIGHT: "Not as much so as it usually is, Rich. Note
how Bedrock is using that left arm far more than his
right. He may be only a submission hold or hard slam
away from completely losing that arm to injury."
MANNING: "Rosco looks to be out of it, and now
Bedrock lifts him, straddling him on the top rope,
facing the crowd. And now Bedrock is climbing up
after him! I think he's going for a German
SUPERplex!... NO! Riggins slams his elbow backward,
repeatedly catching Bedrock in the nose and mouth!
Now Riggins swings his feet over so he, too, is
standing on the second rope, right next to our monster
of a World Champion. And he grabs him... LIGHTS
OUT!!! Riggins just dropped Bedrock with a side
Russian legsweep off the second rope!"
KNIGHT: "Just like what they did to me at the
MANNING: "Both men on the mat now, and I'm not sure
either one knows where he's at. The crowd is stomping
their feet, trying to revive them."
KNIGHT: "If anything's going to revive them, Rich,
it's going to be the sound of nearby Leviathan
counting both of them out!"
[Rosco starts to stir.]
[Bedrock gets up on his hands and knees.]
[Rosco gets up to one knee.]
[At the last second (literally), Rosco leaps forward
over Bedrock (who is still on his hands and knees),
and rolls him into a cradle! Leviathan drops to the
mat immediately to make the count!]
[Kickout at the last second! A LOUD mixed reaction
emanates from the massive crowd.]
MANNING: "Both men get to their feet, but Rosco takes
the champ down with a Dragon Screw Legwhip! Bedrock
quickly forces himself back to his feet, only to be
taken down by another one! And now Rosco hooks on an
anklelock, bending Bedrock's massive foot at a hideous
angle! He calls that combination the Hook, Line, and
KNIGHT: "Attacking his weak spot, the shoulder, is
all well and good, but it looks like Rosco's finally
remembering to go after the legs, too. Bedrock's
size, strength, weight, and leverage advantages all go
down the toilet if he can't stay vertical."
[Leviathan once again asks Bedrock if he wants to give
up, and the WWA Champion again shakes his head 'no'
MANNING: "Bedrock bellows like an animal, and uses
his free leg to kick Rosco right in the chest,
breaking the hold and sending Rosco crashing to the
KNIGHT: "Too bad he only caught him with the flat of
his boot; I'd like to see him unleash the steel-capped
hobnail parts on Riggins' Canadian carcass!
MANNING: "Rosco staggers to his feet and charges
first, catching the World Champion with a HHH-esque
facebuster to the knee! And Bedrock staggers backward
against the opposite ropes!"
KNIGHT: "And now Rosco bouncing off the ropes...
MANNING: "And Bedrock sneers and charges ahead
MANNING: "HOLY MOSES! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!"
KNIGHT: "Ahem. Bedrock's is called 'The Clothesline
MANNING: "Does that mean we should call Rosco's 'The
Clothesline from Edmonton?'"
KNIGHT: "No need, Rich. Edmonton... Hell... what's
the difference, really?"
texanspaniard - February 13, 2009 11:04 PM (GMT)
MANNING: "Both men are down. Rosco isn't moving; in
fact, he was sent crashing back to the mat with
incredible velocity, landing right on the back of his
KNIGHT: "But look at Bedrock! He instinctively used
his right arm for that clothesline, and it sure looks
to be paining him now! Riggins' perpetual
exploitation of that shoulder injury is looking to be
a very smart strategy, Rich! I can't believe I'm
saying this, but I think Rosco may have done what no
one else has ever been able to do, and that's finding
a way to actually Bedrock."
[Leviathan begins the ten-count.]
MANNING: "Riggins really is an incredible athlete...
we've talked a lot about Bedrock's record-breaking
World Title reign, but what about Rosco? Doesn't he
have the record for the longest IN title reign?"
KNIGHT: "Let's see... I think Logan McKenzie held it
for about eight months before trading it in for the
World Title, and Bedrock held it for about nine months
before trading it in for the World Title himself. And
who won the then-vacated IN belt? Rosco! So he's
held his title for about ten months as well, which
would be a record!"
MANNING: "Indeed, I think Rosco's current reign as IN
champ is just a few weeks shorter than Bedrock's as
the World Champion."
KNIGHT: "It just goes to show, Rich. We're not just
seeing a World Champion v. IN Champion match. You
could argue that we're seeing the best World Champion
in WWA history versus the best International Champion
in WWA history!"
MANNING: "You probably could make that argument,
Sammy. Though if Rosco really wants to surpass all
the past International Champions in terms of
greatness, he's going to have to do what only a few
have done: drop the title only because you've gone on
to win the World Title."
KNIGHT: "Well, Riggins may do that just now! He's
the first to his feet, breaking Leviathan's count!"
MANNING: "And he pulls Bedrock up to his feet. The
champ lashes out with a poorly aimed left, ducked by
Rosco, and now he's got his arms around him in a
rear-waist lock... MOTHER OF GOD! ROSCO JUST LIFTED
BEDROCK FOR A GERMAN SUPLEX! HIS BACK IS BRIDGED...
HE'S GOT HIM PINNED!"
[The crowd explodes into a mixed pop, with Leviathan
feverishly holding up two fingers to indicate it
wasn't a three count.]
MANNING: "Riggins isn't wasting any time crying over
spilled milk, though. While Bedrock struggles to his
feet, Riggins slides to the outside and grabs the
ladder! He folds it up and slides it back into the
[The crowd is going... hmmm, what cliche haven't I
used yet?... batty?]
MANNING: "Riggins sets up the ladder, and man is it a
tall sucker! Bedrock staggers to his feet, still
holding his arm, and Riggins is climbing the ladder!
This place is going crazy!"
KNIGHT: "Rosco's up on top!"
MANNING: "HE LEAPS... MISSILE DROPKICK FROM SOME
FIFTEEN FEET UP IN THE AIR! That sent Bedrock
crashing to the mat in the corner!"
KNIGHT: "But Bedrock pulls himself up on the ropes...
only about halfway, though. His head is between the
top and second ropes, and he's gripping those two
ropes to steady himself."
MANNING: "But Rosco has other ideas! He picks up the
ladder and charges Bedrock with it!"
MANNING: "GOOD GOD! He just bashed that ladder
across Bedrock's whip-lashed back! And now he slams
the ladder into Bedrock's head!"
KNIGHT: "Bedrock falls to his knees, his head and
arms draped over the second rope! It looks like
Rosco's set him up for a Bossman straddle!"
MANNING: "I'm not so sure, Sammy. He's now laying
that ladder across the bottom rope at a diagonal
[In other words he made a |__\___ formation, with the
diagonal line representing the ladder and the straight
horizontal and vertical lines representing the ropes.
Bedrock's slouched over the middle rope about where
the diagonal line hits the vertical line. Man, after
all that explanation (and meager attempts at
"punctuational" artistry), I certainly hope Yahoo
doesn't frick it up when I mail this in to Josh.]
MANNING: "Rosco off the ropes... suicide senton
plancha over the top rope... RIGHT ON TOP OF THE
LADDER'S TOP SIDE! IT CRASHES DOWN ON BEDROCK'S HEAD
WITH ALL OF ROSCO'S WEIGHT, SMASHING HIS FACE INTO THE
LOWER SIDE OF THE LADDER AS WELL!"
KNIGHT: "Good lord! And the crowd is going insane,
Texas-style! I mean, we're talking guns firing into
the air... or at least we hope they're into the air.
Hey, look at that cowboy with the gun right over
there! Do you see him? He's next to that guy who
looks to have spilled ketchup all over his chest. And
now his kid's shaking the ketchup guy, but he's not
responding! Yeah, just don't pay him any attention!
That'll teach him to flail his arms around... kid
probably dropped his hotdog on his poor dad's shirt!"
MANNING: "SAMMY! How can you say things like that!"
KNIGHT: "Like what?"
MANNING: "Everyone knows it's 'catsup,' not
'ketchup.' Say it right! Little kids are watching
this show, and your poor grammar is going to have a
negative effect on them!"
[Meanwhile, the cameras focus in on the flies hovering
above the "ketchup man," as well as his crying child.]
MANNING: "Anyway, that certainly isn't ketchup
pouring out of Bedrock's skull right now!"
KNIGHT: "But it sure does look a lot like the ketchup
on that guy's shirt.... hmmm..."
MANNING: "Rosco's sliding back into the ring, moving
a bit more slowly now after crashing down butt-first
onto that ladder."
KNIGHT: "Ha! His Canadian ass is going to swell so
much that he'll look like a baboon in heat! As
opposed to now, when he just looks like a regular
MANNING: "You're the one to talk, having lived with
and MATED with a troop of Snow Monkeys!"
KNIGHT: "Hey, those Snow Monkeys would have turned
YOUR advances down, Rich, so I'd shut up if I were
you! After all, monkeys like monkeys, if you get my
meaning, and you've never shown ANY sign of having a
MANNING: "Enough with the monkey = penis jokes! Back
to the match, Rosco finally back in, and now that the
ladder has fallen down to the floor, he DOES execute a
Bossman straddle! And now he rolls outside the ring
again! What's he up to?"
KNIGHT: "Bedrock's arms and head are still resting on
the second rope. And now from the outside Rosco's
applying a front face-lock... and now he drapes
Bedrock's prone arm over his neck!"
MANNING: "He's going to try to suplex Bedrock!"
KNIGHT: "Why not? He's already got Bedrock up in the
air, courtesy of the ring and the ropes!"
MANNING: "Riggins musters all his strength, lifting
Bedrock just a little bit and pulling him about
halfway out of the ring!"
KNIGHT: "Look at where that ladder is, Rich! It's
right behind Riggins!"
MANNING: "Riggins lifting Bedrock up again, dropping
him across the second rope again, and using the bounce
for a slingshot suplex! He uses all his strength and
leverage to drag Bedrock over the second rope and into
MANNING: "OH MY! OH MY LORD! RIGGINS USED ALL HIS
MOMENTUM TO *JACKHAMMER SUPLEX* BEDROCK RIGHT OUT OF
THE RING ONTO THAT LADDER!!!"
[This crowd, getting the feeling that they may be
seeing history in the making, is going absolutely
berserk. And that's to put it mildly.]
KNIGHT: "If this were Falls Count Anywhere, Bedrock
would be DONE. His back and shoulder totally slammed
into that unforgiving steel ladder!"
MANNING: "Is that ladder really made out of steel?"
KNIGHT: "Rich, this is a wrestling event. EVERYTHING
is made out of steel. The steps, the chairs, the
ringposts, the exposed turnbuckles, the cameras, our
coffee mugs, this underwear I've got on--"
MANNING: (interrupting) "Okay, I get the idea!
Anyway, both men taking time to recover... after all,
Riggins may not have landed on the ladder, but he
still fell to the concrete floor with that move."
KNIGHT: "Yeah, with 475 pounds dragging him down,
which has got to make it even more damaging. And just
lifting Bedrock again, even with all that help through
leverage and already having the big guy suspended in
the air and all that, has STILL got to take a helluva
lot out of you!"
MANNING: "Bedrock rolling over... I'm not sure he
knows where he's at. He gets up to one knee, and
here's Riggins, grabbing him and tossing him back in
KNIGHT: "More like heaving him back into the ring."
[Indeed, Rosco sort of looks like Piglet trying to
dislodge Winnie the Pooh from whatever hole he's stuck
in as he tries to lift Bedrock back into the ring.]
MANNING: "Rosco rolls in quickly to beat the count,
then rolls out again. And now he grabs Bedrock's
legs, and tugging as strongly as he can, he pulls
Bedrock right into that steel ringpost!"
[The crowd groans with sympathy pains. Bedrock's eyes
open wide with agony.]
KNIGHT: "Ooooh... after that move, I have serious
doubts that Rizer is ever going to have a little
brother or sister!"
MANNING: "He may have a cripple for a father, though!
Rosco's applying the figure-four leglock around the
turnbuckle, just like a certain other famous Canadian
used to do."
KNIGHT: "Who? No, let me guess... Sarah McLachlan."
MANNING: (incredulous) "No!"
KNIGHT: "Hmmm... the lead singer of the Crash-Test
Dummies, the guy with the absurdly deep voice?"
KNIGHT: (drifting off into Sammy-world) "Man, how
DID he get his voice so deep? He must have had a
third testicle or something..."
MANNING: "Dammit, Sammy, pay attention to the match!
Riggins is trying to break Bedrock's legs with this
hold, which would pretty much neutralize all of his
KNIGHT: (still trying to figure out the answer)
"Um... Shania Twain? Michael J. Fox? One of the Kids
in the Hall? Mike Myers? Scott Keith? JP Decosse?"
MANNING: "IT WAS A WRESTLER, DAMMIT!"
KNIGHT: "Oh... (suddenly, his face brightens and he
snaps his fingers)... I got it! DINO BRAVO!"
KNIGHT: (nodding his head with satisfaction) "You're
upset that I solved your little riddle, aren't 'cha,
Rich? (he leans back, his hands behind his head and
his feet up on the table.)
[And then, because I always go for the low-brow humor,
he falls over backward.]
MANNING: (ignoring Sammy) "Referee Leviathan finally
forcing Rosco to break the hold; much like the
Tarantula, it's an inherently illegal move because it
involves the ropes, but it can certainly do a lot of
damage before you're forced to break it! And Bedrock
scuttles away to the other side of the ropes, using
them to pull himself up as quickly as possible before
Riggins resumes his attack."
KNIGHT: (standing back up, rubbing his head)
"Dammit, Rich! Security should do something about
these stupid hick fans who grabbed me from behind and
pulled me down!"
MANNING: "Those fans didn't do a thing, you clumsy--
wait! Rosco shoves Bedrock into the corner and goes
for a knife-edge chop once again!"
MANNING: "And another!"
MANNING: "And now he hits a chop with his right hand,
immediately followed by one with his left!"
CROWD: "WHOOOOO, WHOOOOO!"
MANNING: "And he does the same combo again!"
CROWD: "WHOOOOO, WHOOOOO!"
KNIGHT: "Hmmm... this gives me an idea."
[Sammy switches his headset to the public loudspeakers
and stands up on the table. Meanwhile, Rosco hits the
combo chop again.]
CROWD: "WHOOOOO, WHOOOOO!"
MANNING: "Sammy, what are you doing?!?"
KNIGHT: (over the P.A.) "Hey, Texas!"
[The crowd roars.]
KNIGHT: "Let's sing a song together! #Come on ride
[Rosco hits the combo chop.]
CROWD: "WHOOOO, WHOOOOO!"
KNIGHT: "#Come on, ride it! Come on ride the
[Rosco hits the combo chop.]
KNIGHT: "#Come on ride the train, it's a choo-choo,
let's ride it...#"
CROWD: (following another double chop) "WHOOOOO,
KNIGHT: "#Aaaaaaah ahhhhhh ah ahhhhhh ah#"
CROWD: (following another double chop) "WHOOOOO,
MANNING: (shouting to be heard) "Sammy, I don't
think Rosco appreciates this! He's walking toward us
with a furious look on his face!"
KNIGHT: (quickly turning the P.A. microphone off)
"Oh, crap." (he hops down from the table and then
cowardly crawls under it)
MANNING: "Apparently satisfied that you're scared
stiff and probably soiling yourself, Sammy, Rosco is
turning his attention back to Bedrock. So you can
stop hiding under the table."
[Sammy takes a peek out, just to check, and seeing
only Rich nearby, he takes his seat again.]
KNIGHT: "Rich, I wasn't hiding from Rosco! I dropped
my keys and was just looking for them."
MANNING: "If you had dropped your keys, how would
they have crawled across the floor to slip under the
KNIGHT: "I must have accidentally, uh, kicked them
MANNING: "How could you have done that while you were
dancing on top of the announce table?!"
KNIGHT: "Dammit, Rich! Enough with the questions or
I'll put you in a figure-four around the ringpost just
like Dino Bravo used to do! Canada's strongest man,
you know... (muttering) not that that says much."
MANNING: (sighing) "You know, some days I really
wish I had a different announcing partner."
KNIGHT: "Like Michael Cole perhaps?"
MANNING: (suddenly looking terrified, he hugs Sammy)
"Never leave me, Sammy!"
KNIGHT: "There, there, Rich. I won't leave you to
[Meanwhile, inside the ring, Rosco has continued to
lay it on thick with the chops, turning Bedrock's
chest redder than Brother Love's face. He drives so
many chops into his chest, in fact, that the crowd
even stops "WHOOO"ing due to exhaustion. Finally,
Bedrock slumps to one knee, and Riggins smiles
MANNING: "I don't like that look on Riggins' face!"
KNIGHT: "Don't you see, Rich? He's got Bedrock
EXACTLY where he wants him! Look!"
MANNING: "Oh, no! Rosco is stomping a mudhole right
into Bedrock's formerly separated shoulder, which has
already taken a horrific amount of punishment
KNIGHT: "You might as well start calling him Triple
R: 'Rosco "Revenge" Riggins.' He's making Bedrock pay
for every misdeed he's ever committed, from
desecrating Noah Prejudice's deceased grandmother to
nearly breaking Heather Lowry's back to ripping the
Alcatraz warden's arm right out of the socket to
attacking a f'n CHARITY WORKER on his first WWA PPV
appearance over two years ago! It's as if some divine
force has decreed that Bedrock has to pay for his
acts, and it's carrying out its cosmic revenge scheme
MANNING: "But lately Bedrock's been trying to redeem
himself somewhat, searching for clues in his past to
better understand what he's become today."
KNIGHT: "What he is today is a guy who's been more
battered than Robin Givens and Whitney Houston
combined! If you ask me, all this sentimental
searching through his past has made him soft, Rich!
The Bedrock I know would never let anyone treat him
MANNING: "WHOA! Bedrock just caught Riggins by
surprise, kicking him right in the crotch with that
steel-capped, hobnail boot! And Riggins collapses in
[HUGE pop from the Bedrock fans, who seem to slightly
outnumber the Rosco ones. Or maybe it's just that
getting beaten up gets one a lot of "babyface sympathy
heat" or whatever smarks call it.]
KNIGHT: "Yep, Rosco's hurt. He's holding his monkey
MANNING: "ENOUGH WITH THAT METAPHOR, SAMMY! Sheesh!"
KNIGHT: "Dammit, Rich, do I look like Steve Austin?"
MANNING: (confused) "Well, no..."
KNIGHT: "Then stop shouting all the time like I were
MANNING: (still confused) "What?"
KNIGHT: "Rich, don't make me hurt you. Just call the
match. Look, both Rosco and Bedrock are getting up.
Bedrock's still holding himself up in the corner...
Rosco charges... OUCH! Bedrock catches him with a
hobnail boot to the face! Rosco goes down!"
MANNING: "And now Bedrock charges out of the corner,
bounces against the ropes, and..."
KNIGHT: "Big legdrop, brother! But he's not going
for the pin!"
MANNING: "Maybe he realizes that he's in a fed where
you can't beat a guy just with a big boot, legdrop
KNIGHT: "Yeah; maybe if the boot was from Test and
the legdrop was from Yokozuna I could buy it, but not
from... well, you all know who we're talking about."
MANNING: "Oh lord... Bedrock's setting up the ladder
in the ring! Leviathan is admonishing him, but
Bedrock clearly doesn't give a damn! He's climbing up
[The fans are going wild!]
KNIGHT: "If he jumps off that ladder, it'll look like
the freakin' Hindenberg crashing down!"
MANNING: "Bedrock sits atop the ladder just as a
wobbly Rosco gets to his feet... GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!
FLYING SHOULDER TACKLE FROM OFF THE LADDER!"
KNIGHT: "ROSCO WAS KNOCKED BACK A FULL 270, LANDING
RIGHT ON HIS FACE!!!"
MANNING: "And Bedrock was smart enough to hit Rosco
with his left shoulder, too! He now goes for the
cover, hooking the leg!"
[Shoulder up at the very last second! Everyone in the
arena gasps, either in relief or disappointment.]
MANNING: "Bedrock quickly pulls himself to his feet,
however, and roars, lifting his arms in the air to a
tremendous reaction from the fans! And now he points
to the fallen Rosco and makes a throat-slicing
KNIGHT: "That's what makes this man so dangerous,
Rich, and that's why no one's ever beaten him! All it
takes is one wrong move, one mistake, and Bedrock can
use his tremendous size and power to crush you within
MANNING: "Bedrock lifting Rosco up to his feet... and
he PUTS HIM INTO POWERBOMB POSITION!"
KNIGHT: "Oh, jeezus. I'm getting flashbacks of
Johnny Detson and Heather Lowry, Rich!"
MANNING: "Bedrock lifts!..."
KNIGHT: "But he's not letting go! Oh, this move is
so brutal, even the devil himself cries like a baby
when he sees it!"
MANNING: "He lifts again... A SECOND POWERBOMB!"
[The crowd ignites as Bedrock shakes his head "no," a
bloody grin on his face. In other words, he ain't
done yet, folks.]
MANNING: "Bedrock fighting through the pain of that
injured right shoulder, using all his incredible
strength and pain resistance to lift Rosco up yet
again... AND HE SLAMS HIM DOWN FOR A THIRD! AND
ROSCO'S BODY IS SHATTERED, LYING OUTSTRETCHED IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE RING!"
KNIGHT: "Ha! He looks like a steamroller just plowed
MANNING: "Bedrock following up the infamous Triple
Powerbomb with his even more infamous 'one foot' pin!
He places a gigantic boot on Rosco's chest and motions
for Leviathan to start counting!"
KNIGHT: "YES, YES!"
MANNING: "NO, NO!"
KNIGHT: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'NO'?!? HE HIT THE TRIPLE
MANNING: "But Leviathan's frantically flashing us all
the two-count sign! At the last millisecond, Rosco
got a shoulder up!"
KNIGHT: "What, how... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"
MANNING: "And listen to these fans!"
[Indeed, the crowd explodes!...
A nuclear bomb of epic proportions goes off, engulfing
the entire world in a ball of atomic flame. Everyone
is incinerated immediately.
EXCEPT Rosco and Bedrock, who emerge from the rubble
as radioactive mutants, destined to battle forever for
control of the world, now a post-apocalyptic
They battle for 400,000 years, until finally an alien
spaceship lands on Earth... or what's left of it. The
aliens are sexually compatible with humans... er,
mutant freaks who used to be humans... and Bedrock and
Rosco each spawn a new race with their alien consorts
(who, incidentally, all looked kinda like this girl I
know named Adrienne Walls). Bedrock's race were
essentially bipedal rhino creatures. Rosco's, of
course, looked like gorillas.
After some three trillion zillion years or so, the
rhino people and the gorilla people eventually stopped
fighting, and the two societies began to live as one.
They even began to crossbreed. Their offspring were
bulky, immensely strong, and incredibly hairy due to
the gorilla race, and massive and covered with
spikes/horns due to their rhino-people ancestry.
In other words, everyone sort of looked like Albert.
The Albert race (which had renamed the planet
"Alberta," presumably under Rosco's coercion) did not
last long, for the sun soon died out after they came
to prominence. You can imagine sound of the
collective "YAAAGGGHHH!" of six billion Alberts
suddenly dying simultaneously. Some say you could
hear this death cry as far away as Triton, a moon of
Neptune's on which other aliens had settled. These
aliens were essentially invulnerable to cold and were
not affected by the death of the sun. Too bad. They
were annoying as all hell, always looking up into the
sky and telling their companions, "I see Uranus!,"
prompting everyone else to check to make sure they
were wearing pants, much to the amusement of the
Okay, none of that really happened, but if it did,
wouldn't that be nifty?
Okay, fine then. Back to Bedrock and Rosco.]
KNIGHT: "What the hell was that?"
MANNING: "Monologue guy?"
KNIGHT: (mumbling) "No wonder we haven't let him
write a match for months."
MANNING: "What? What do you mean by 'write a
KNIGHT: "What do YOU mean by 'Monologue Guy'?"
MANNING: "Now I'm confused. Maybe we should just
stay away from existentialist questions about the
nature of our existence while we're broadcasting."
KNIGHT: "Agreed. Anyway, Bedrock is absolutely
incredulous that Rosco got a shoulder up, and I don't
blame him! No one's ever taken the Triple Powerbomb
and woken up the same day to tell about it!"
MANNING: "Bedrock stomps Rosco in the stomach, waking
him up somewhat. Rosco now struggling to force his
battered body back to a vertical position."
KNIGHT: "Unfortunately for him, Bedrock's also
vertical, which is definitely something Rosco wants to
avoid! Bedrock grabs him, whipping him to the
opposite side... and lifting him with a Military Press
as he bounces back!"
MANNING: "But almost immediately his right arm gives
out on him, and Rosco falls on top of the champion,
essentially getting him in an unexpected lateral
press! And Levi drops to the mat to count!"
[Bedrock kicks out!]
MANNING: "Rosco knows he doesn't have much time until
Bedrock gets back on his feet... he's scrambling up
KNIGHT: "Bedrock's getting back to his feet just as
Riggins reaches the top!"
MANNING: "And Riggins... GOOD LORD! MOONSAULT OFF
THE TOP OF THE LADDER!"
[The crowd begins to cheer, then suddenly gasps in
shock and becomes (relatively) silent!]
MANNING: "Oh my god... Bedrock CAUGHT HIM IN
KNIGHT: "Right across his left shoulder!"
MANNING: "And now this shocked crowd is starting to
make some serious noise yet again as Bedrock folds the
ladder together with his free hand and pushes it over
onto the mat. And now he's backing up! Rosco's
struggling to escape, but Bedrock's grip is just too
KNIGHT: "I'd tell Rosco to rake his eyes or something
to escape, but Bedrock's face is so covered in blood,
I'm not sure Rosco can even SEE the big guy's eyes!"
MANNING: "Bedrock charges... GOD GOOD ALMIGHTY!
RUNNING POWERSLAM *ON THE LADDER*!!!"
[The crowd "oohs", cringing from the thought of how
painful that must have been!]
KNIGHT: "Ha! Look at that filthy Canadian writhe
around on the mat! He just got slammed on his back so
hard, I bet his vertebrae were pushed all the way out
through his chest!"
MANNING: "Riggins now lying across that ladder, which
Bedrock kicks at a few times, I guess to put it in
position for something..."
KNIGHT: "He's pushing the ladder and Riggins with it
toward the ringpost, Rich! And now he steps over
Rosco and heads up to the second rope!"
MANNING: "These fans are going nuts with anticipation
as Bedrock begins to bounce up and down on the second
rope! He may be going for a pump splash!"
KNIGHT: "Oh, just call it a Vaderbomb so people know
what you're talking about, Rich. We can mention his
name, y'know. This isn't like Marvel Comics and Hulk
Hogan where the fed had to pay royalties every time
the guy's name was spoken, y'know."
MANNING: "Bedrock bouncing up and down... but no!
LOOK! Rosco uses his last remaining strength to roll
off the ladder, duck under Bedrock and grab him... AND
CATCH HIM WITH A SPINNING SPINEBUSTER OFF THE SECOND
ROPE ONTO THE LADDER! Shades of Arn Anderson there!"
KNIGHT: "And now what is Rosco doing? Going for a
[The fans are rabid!]
MANNING: "He's got him turned over... into an
elevated Boston Crab! It's the Walls of JeRosco!"
KNIGHT: "I can't believe Riggins still has the
strength to hold Bedrock in that position!"
MANNING: "Pain is shooting through Bedrock's
mutilated back like daggers... he's going to have to
KNIGHT: "No, he can reach the ropes! They're just a
few feet away on his left side!"
MANNING: "Rosco wrenches back, struggling to keep the
475-pounder elevated. And the more he pulls back in
an effort to keep him up, the more pain he inflicts on
the World Champion!"
KNIGHT: "Whoa! Listen to this crowd boo as Leviathan
slides the ladder outside the ring!"
MANNING: "He's the president of the company, Rich.
He doesn't need his top two champions ending each
other's careers with that thing."
KNIGHT: "Dammit, Levi, stop thinking long-term! I
want my carnage NOW!"
MANNING: "Just be thankful that Leviathan, for at
least a moment, thought about ANYTHING but his glory
days in the CWC."
KNIGHT: "He was their world champion, you know.
MANNING: (obviously bored out of his skull listening
to this information for the billionth time, he speaks
in a sarcastic, slow, contractionless monotone) "Wow.
Do tell. How interesting, not to mention relevant.
And to think, I did not know that. No idea at all."
KNIGHT: (missing the sarcasm) "I'll have to tell you
MANNING: "Uh, why don't I just read about it in the
PWI Almanac, okay? Anyway, both men's teeth are
gritted, both have blood flowing down their faces, and
both have absolutely taken each other to the limit
KNIGHT: "And I hate to say it, but we may be reaching
Bedrock's limit very shortly! The (not Adrian) Walls
of JeRosco is turning out to be one devastating hold!"
MANNING: "No kidding. Look how desperately Bedrock
is trying to get to the ropes to escape it!"
KNIGHT: "You know who invented that move? It was
originally called the Lion Tamer."
MANNING: "I know that. After 'Lionheart' Chri--"
KNIGHT: (interrupting) "No! It was invented by
Bubbles the Clown!"
MANNING: "The former IN champion and WWA
KNIGHT: "Yeah! He used to train lions when he worked
in the circus, as he'd put them in that hold if they
didn't do what he said!"
MANNING: "That's utter nonsense and you know it!"
KNIGHT: "Oh, stop it, Rich! Next thing I know you'll
be calling me 'a fountain of misinformation.'"
MANNING: "Ah, Gorilla Monsoon. How we miss thee."
KNIGHT: "Yeah. Wallie the Talent Coordinating
Gorilla just isn't the same."
MANNING: "Bedrock crawling toward the ropes, but
Riggins' has pretty much neutralized one of his arms!
I don't think he can pull himself close enough to grab
KNIGHT: "And remember, even if Bedrock is too
stubborn to submit, he could still pass out from the
pain and/or blood loss, and Rosco would win the
MANNING: "Just like another famous match with a
Canadian versus an anti-hero anarchist."
KNIGHT: "Jerome Turner versus the Babyface Brawler?"
MANNING: "No! Bret Hart versus Steve Austin!"
KNIGHT: "Bret Hart... hey, he was the answer to your
last question, wasn't he!"
MANNING: (sighing) "Yes, Sammy, he was."
KNIGHT: (perplexed) "Well if it wasn't Dino Bravo,
what DID he do during his WWF tenure?"
MANNING: "He probably sat around wondering why he
shared a name with the purple dinosaur on 'The
KNIGHT: "And he probably fluffed Earthquake a lot--"
KNIGHT: "What? I said he stuffed Earthquake a lot;
I'm sure that guy ate like a horse, and Dino probably
fetched him those buckets of chicken."
MANNING: "Whatever, Sammy. Anyway, speaking of
KNIGHT: "You just can't resist a segue, can you,
Rich? No matter how lame it is."
MANNING: (ignoring him, continuing on) "Speaking of
near-500 pounders, Bedrock has simply got to find a
way out of this hold or Rosco Riggins is going to be
our new WWA Champion, simple as that."
KNIGHT: "And unlike Logan McKenzie and Bedrock, I'm
not sure he'll have to give up the IN belt if he wins
the World Title. That would make him the most
gold-laden champion of all time, wouldn't it?"
MANNING: "It certainly would. And that may certainly
happen, as I don't see a one-armed Bedrock finding the
strength to drag himself over to the ropes. And his
legs may have been too worked over to power out of the
KNIGHT: "But you don't become the World Champion
through a lack of resourcefulness. Bedrock's now
lifting his arms above the mat and puffing out his
stomach! He's rolling back and forth on his stomach,
trying to get some momentum going!"
MANNING: "I can't believe what we're seeing! Is
Bedrock going to literally rock his way out of this
KNIGHT: "It may be possible! With every roll, he
gains momentum, and it becomes harder for Riggins to
hold on to it!"
texanspaniard - February 13, 2009 11:05 PM (GMT)
MANNING: "And finally, Riggins just says 'screw it'
and drops the hold."
[HUGE mixed pop.]
MANNING: "But Riggins goes right back to work, going
for a figure-four leglock... but when he spins,
Bedrock kicks him right in the posterior, sending him
crashing through the top and second ropes to the
KNIGHT: "That bought Bedrock a little bit of time;
he'd better get back on his feet before Rosco comes
MANNING: "And Rosco is coming back in... and he's got
the ladder with him again!"
KNIGHT: "And once again, he's ignoring Leviathan's
protests! He sets up the ladder!"
MANNING: "But here comes Bedrock... but Rosco sees
him and catches him with a roaring elbow!"
KNIGHT: "Now Rosco laying into Bedrock with those
chops again, sending him back into the corner!"
MANNING: "Rosco throws another chop just as Bedrock
begins to fall..."
MANNING: "Whoa! Because Bedrock began to fall,
Riggins' chop, aimed for his chest, ended up
inadvertently slapping Bedrock across the face!"
[Suddenly, Bedrock perks up immediately, staring down
at Rosco with incredible intensity and hatred.]
KNIGHT: "I don't think Bedrock realizes it was
MANNING: "But Rosco isn't backing down! He chops
away at Bedrock again... and Bedrock doesn't move an
KNIGHT: "He's just standing there and snarling!"
MANNING: "Another chop has no apparent effect, and
this crowd is going bananas! And now Bedrock grabs
Rosco by the neck, flinging HIM around into the
corner! And now Bedrock is unloading with those
forearm shots again!"
KNIGHT: "He can take a lot of blows to his body, but
attack his pride and Bedrock will really try to murder
MANNING: "Bedrock now whips him to the far side, just
barely avoiding hitting the ladder, but he crashes
into the far turnbuckle instead! And Bedrock
charges... AND CONNECTS WITH THE STINGER SPLASH!"
KNIGHT: "And Riggins staggers out of the corner while
Bedrock winds up..."
[The crowd nearly blows the roof off the place!]
MANNING: "ANVIL PUNCH! ANVIL PUNCH! RIGGINS IS SENT
FLYING 360 THROUGH THE AIR!"
KNIGHT: "But he used his right arm to throw it! I
don't think he got the full effect! Just look at how
he's nursing that arm again!"
MANNING: "Bedrock doesn't nurse it long, though... he
falls on top of Riggins with the lateral press!"
KNIGHT: "This one's over!"
[The crowd chants along with the count!]
KNIGHT: "YEAH! TAKE THAT, YOU FILTHY CANADIAN!"
MANNING: "NO! LEVIATHAN'S FLASHING THE 'TWO-COUNT'
KNIGHT: "No, no he's not! He's giving us the peace
sign! You know, because the match is over, we now
have peace." (Sammy assumes a meditative position,
which causes him to fall out of his chair again)
MANNING: "At the last millisecond, Riggins was able
to get a foot on the ropes! The Anvil Punch is
usually enough to knock anybody out, but not to be
nasty about it, but that was the worst Anvil Punch
I've ever seen Bedrock throw. His right arm is just
SO battered and broken."
KNIGHT: (getting back in his chair) "Still, an
enormous bruise is developing on the left side of
Rosco's face. Bedrock now dragging him to the corner,
and now he's going for the Pump Splash instead! He
begins to bounce up and down on the second rope..."
MANNING: "AND THIS TIME HE HITS IT! Vaderbomb
connects! And now Bedrock goes for the cover again!"
[Rosco gets a foot on the ropes! An enormous mixed
pop from the crowd!]
MANNING: "Bedrock now getting frustrated... he pulls
Rosco to his feet, and goes for a short clothesline...
but Rosco ducks and swings around behind Bedrock...
CROSSFACE CHICKENWING CHOKEOUT VARIATION! THE
TEN-SECOND TAPOUT! HE'S GOT IT LOCKED IN!"
[The crowd is going... um... have I used "ballistic"
KNIGHT: "Rosco's got that right arm locked behind him
in the hammerlock, and as if breathing isn't hard
enough when you're wearing the crimson mask, he's been
choked out, too! Shouldn't this move be illegal?"
MANNING: "Leviathan counts to four and Rosco releases
the choke... only to reapply it and restart the count!
That's an old tactic of the late, great Andre the
KNIGHT: "Who would have ever thought Rosco Riggins
would ever pick up a technical pointer from frickin'
MANNING: "Bedrock's in excruciating pain, but he's
still on his feet and is able to make it to the ropes.
Rosco tries to Checkmate Suplex him away from the
ropes, but Bedrock is just too heavy!"
KNIGHT: "Not to mention he's holding on to the
MANNING: "Rosco refusing to release the hold... until
Leviathan physically grabs him and pulls him away!
Once you reach the five-count, you HAVE to break the
MANNING: "And now Riggins is getting in Leviathan's
face, and the two are arguing vehemently
KNIGHT: "And Bedrock comes up behind Rosco, whirling
him around and wrapping his huge hands around his
MANNING: "What a chokehold! Rosco's eyes look like
they're about to pop out of his head!"
KNIGHT: "Bedrock pushes him back against the ropes,
and now Leviathan is giving _him_ the five-count for
the illegal choke in the ropes!"
MANNING: "Bedrock breaks reluctantly at four, then
goes for it again, using Rosco's tactics against him!
And now Leviathan grabs Bedrock, whirling him
around... AND BEDROCK TAKES A BLIND SWING!"
KNIGHT: "But Levi ducks and gets right back in
Bedrock's face! But Bedrock walks right into him,
pushing Leviathan back with his protruding gut! And
the Emperor adopts a martial arts stance! He's ready
to fight if need be!"
[The crowd is going nuts!]
MANNING: "Bedrock staring down at his fellow former
pit-fighter... and he suddenly sees Levi's eyes widen
as they look a bit to the side!"
KNIGHT: "That's because Leviathan sees Rosco charging
MANNING: "Bedrock, reading Levi's eyes, whirls around
just in time to duck Rosco's lariat... now he has
Riggins' arm behind his head, and his own massive arm
over Rosco's shoulder, with the other hand on his
KNIGHT: "Oh my GOD! We already saw the Walls of
JeRosco... and now we're seeing..."
[To a GARGANTUAN pop, Bedrock thunderously slams Rosco
Riggins to the mat with an uranage!]
MANNING & KNIGHT TOGETHER: "THE BEDROCK BOTTOM!"
[Bedrock stands up, flashing a wicked grin at
Leviathan, and then sets up the ladder again! The
crowd gets louder and louder as the British Behemoth
begins to ascend to the top!]
MANNING: "Rosco is laid out on the mat, and Bedrock
has reached the top! He couldn't possibly be
KNIGHT: "Oh yes he could, Rich!"
[The crowd has gone absolutely mad!]
MANNING: "BEDROCK LEAPS... EARTHSHAKER SPLASH FROM
FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE...
KNIGHT: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DAMNED CANADIAN ROLLED
OUT OF THE WAY!!!!!"
[Bedrock splatters on his face and stomach, and
frankly it's amazing that he doesn't break right
through the mat.]
MANNING: "Rosco pulls himself up using Leviathan's
shirt, who doesn't look too happy about it, but
Riggins clearly doesn't give a damn! He staggers over
to the ladder and begins to climb it."
KNIGHT: "No need to rush, Rosco! I don't think
Bedrock's going anywhere after missing that
Earthshaker... except maybe the emergency room."
MANNING: "Bedrock still lying motionless on his
stomach as Riggins reaches the top, and all eyes are
on the man from Edmonton, Alberta right now!"
KNIGHT: "Except Rosco's, whose eyes are firmly on the
prone Bedrock fifteen feet below him!"
MANNING: "Riggins takes a deep breath..."
KNIGHT: "HE LEAPS!..."
MANNING: "FROG SPLASH!!!..."
[The crowd IGNITES!]
MANNING: "ROSCO HIT THE FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH! HELL,
I'D GIVE THAT ONE SIX OR SEVEN STARS!"
KNIGHT: "NO! I can't handle the idea of a Canadian
holding both the IN and World titles, Rich!"
MANNING: "It's taking Rosco some effort to roll the
dead weight of Bedrock over on his back, however!
That cost him a few seconds to be sure!"
KNIGHT: "But Bedrock still isn't moving! Rosco hooks
[The crowd chants along with the count. Not a single
person is sitting... well, except that guy with the
ketchup on his shirt.]
MANNING: "HE GOT HIM! NEW CHAMPION, NEW CHAMPION!"
KNIGHT: "NO, THIS TIME _YOU'RE_ WRONG, RICH! BEDROCK
GOT HIS SHOULDER UP!!!"
[Leviathan leaps to his feet...
...(the tension's killing you, isn't it?)...
...HE HOLDS UP TWO FINGERS!!!"
[MASSIVE POP from the Bedrock fans!]
MANNING: "Rosco can't believe it! Now he's getting
in Leviathan's face!"
KNIGHT: "And once again, Leviathan is adopting his
fighting stance! Both Rosco and Bedrock have lost a
ton of blood, and neither is thinking straight!"
MANNING: "Look! Bedrock is slowly getting to his
KNIGHT: "But Rosco has his back to him! He's focused
MANNING: "Riggins had better accept that Bedrock
kicked out fair and square, and that he needs to go
back on offense in a hurry!"
KNIGHT: "Bedrock is up, Rich! He's back on his feet!
And he's charging from behind!]
[Just like Bedrock did earlier, Rosco sees Leviathan's
eyes widen as he sees Bedrock charging in his
direction. So just as Bedrock did earlier, Rosco
whirls around and ducks Bedrock's clothesline, putting
HIM in position for a Rock Bottom!]
MANNING: "If Rosco nails this--"
KNIGHT: "No, wait! Bedrock lifts one of Rosco's arms
over his newly-bald head and drops down in one quick,
fluid motion... AN INSIDE CRADLE BY BEDROCK?!?!?!?!?"
MANNING: "Leviathan drops down to make the count!"
[Leviathan calls for the bell! The crowd EXPLODES!!!
"NIB" by Black Sabbath blasts over the P.A.]
KNIGHT: "YES, YES, YES! TAKE THAT, YOU CANADIAN
PIECE OF GARBAGE!"
MANNING: "BEDROCK HAS DONE IT! HE'S SURVIVED WHAT
WAS UNDOUBTEDLY THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF HIS CAREER
AND COME OUT WITH THE TOP TWO TITLES IN OUR INDUSTRY!"
[Leviathan leaps over the top rope, a la Randy Savage,
lands on his feet and grabs a microphone from the
Spanish Announce Table.]
LEVIATHAN: "Here is your winner... the NEEEEEEEEEEEEW
WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION...
and STIIIIIIIIIIIILL THE WORLD WRESTLING ASSOCIATION
[Leviathan, not happy with the behavior of either men,
grabs the two title belts from the timekeeper's table
and tosses them into the ring. Bedrock grabs them,
lifting both with his left arm. He begins to climb
all the turnbuckles, displaying his championships for
the screaming fans.]
[Meanwhile, Rosco still sits on the mat, a confused,
almost blank expression on his face.]
MANNING: "What a disappointment for Rosco Riggins!
He came SO close on so many occasions in this match,
and came into it with one of the most solid game plans
I've ever seen a wrestler employ."
KNIGHT: "Look at the crybaby! He's starting to shed
MANNING: "What's wrong with that! The man's life's
dream didn't come true tonight!"
KNIGHT: "Hey, look up there! It's the Vindicator!
And Noah Prejudice!"
MANNING: "And Alaric Griffon! And the Blonde
Brigade! And Bill Bartlett!"
KNIGHT: "Even the P.T.A. has come out here!"
MANNING: "So have the Frat and the Down South
Connection! And now Blaine Richards and Ktulu! Even
the referee team of Austin Cooper, Josh Parker, and
Jerry Miller has come out here."
KNIGHT: "And they're all CLAPPING!"
MANNING: "And not just for Bedrock, Sammy. They're
saluting both these men for putting up one of the most
hard-fought matches in WWA history!"
KNIGHT: "You know when the PTA are clapping for you,
you REALLY know you put on a good performance!"
MANNING: "Inside the ring, Rosco Riggins comes up
behind Bedrock and swipes his belts from him!"
KNIGHT: "And Bedrock whirls around, looking incensed!
What the hell does Rosco think he's doing?"
MANNING: "Tears are still welling in his eyes, and
Rosco kisses both belts and hands them back to
Bedrock! He then gives the confused double champion a
respectful nod and leaves the ring."
KNIGHT: "And Riggins isn't coming over here after me!
Thank god!... er, I mean, I guess he didn't want to
get beaten up twice in one night!"
MANNING: "Please. I'm sure Riggins simply is
thinking about other things right now, which should be
obvious. Anyway, what an astonishing match! Rosco
took everything Bedrock had to throw at him, and in
the end, Bedrock had to use an inside cradle to catch
Riggins off guard enough to get the win."
KNIGHT: "That pretty much sums it up, Rich. I know I
never would have expected to see Bedrock using an
inside cradle, and for all his preparation, I don't
think Riggins expected it, either."
[Up on the entrance way, everyone claps for Rosco, and
many pat him on the back as he heads toward the
dressing room. He turns around one last time, waves
at the crowd to an IMMENSE ovation, and then turns
around and leaves to hit the showers.]
MANNING: "Whew... what an incredible match!"
KNIGHT: "Bedrock's now the only man to hold the tag
titles by himself, he's the only REAL two-time
International Champion, and he's had the greatest
World Title reign ever, and it's still continuing. I
think it's safe to say that Bedrock truly is GODROCK,
the greatest superstar of all time!"
MANNING: "No argument from me on that point at all."
[Suddenly, Leviathan calls for the music to stop. The
self-professed emperor then looks at Bedrock.]
MANNING: "What's going to happen here?"
KNIGHT: "I don't know, but Leviathan doesn't look
angry. I guess he's letting bygones be bygones.
After all, why shouldn't he be happy? There's only
one invincible wrestler I know of in this industry,
and he's the double champion of Leviathan's
LEVIATHAN: "Bedrock, from one former pit-fighter to
another, I must congratulate you. You've defended
your title successfully once again, and have clearly
become the most dominant champion in WWA history."
[Big cheers from the crowd.]
LEVIATHAN: (addressing the crowd) "And thank all of
you for coming! The World Wrestling Association
[Suddenly, "Cherry Pie" by Warrant begins to play,
interrupting the WWA President, to a big "hot chick!"
pop. Out comes a tall, voluptuous woman with long,
luxurious red hair, wearing an expensive looking red
MANNING: "It's Lady Red, a.k.a. Priscilla Hart, owner
of the WWA!"
KNIGHT: "I guess she's out here to congratulate
[Lady Red walks through the gauntlet of WWA wrestlers
on the rampway, striding gracefully down toward the
ring. Leviathan, looking confused at her presence,
holds the ropes apart so she can more easily enter the
ring. In her hand she holds a microphone. The music
stops as she begins to speak.]
LADY RED: "Pardon me, everyone, but I just wanted to
get a closer look at this great crowd."
[Big pop from the fans.]
LADY RED: "After all, my friends, you've become a
very sentimental group of people for me. For this is
the last WWA show I intend to be involved with."
[Gasps of shock reverberate throughout the arena.]
LADY RED: "I won't beat around the bush anymore--"
KNIGHT: "I'd like to beat around her bush--"
LADY RED: "--so I'll tell you straight-out: I have
sold the World Wrestling Association."
KNIGHT: "To whom?"
LADY RED: "You see, I get bored easily. And I'm in
the mood to try a new venture -- I don't know, maybe
I'll work for the Ermine Copulation Coalition or
something. But one thing's for sure, I want to take a
break from wrestling, and I certainly can't do that if
I'm worrying about the WWA. So I put it up for sale,
and sold to the highest bidder."
LEVIATHAN: (using his own microphone) "The highest
bidder must be one rich human being to afford the
LADY RED: "Oh, he is, President Leviathan. In fact,
he made a great deal of his money as a former employee
of this organization, being one of its most successful
performers. So successful, in fact, that he might
take exception to your claim that Bedrock here is the
greatest superstar in WWA history."
[Bedrock's eyes narrow, not caring at all for Lady
Red's comments, not to mention remembering her as the
valet of "Mr. Showtime" Mark Haley, one of the big
man's most hated enemies.]
LEVIATHAN: "Who in the world are you talking abo--
Oh, no. Don't tell me--"
V/O: WHOSE HOUSE?!?
CROWD: BRAWLER'S HOUSE!!!
("You Wanted The Best (You Got It)" by Kiss blares
over the P.A. to a GARGANTUAN mixed pop!)
KNIGHT: "NO! NOT HIM!"
LADY RED: "Introducing the man who purchased the WWA
from yours truly... he comes all the way from Maui,
Hawaii... here is the former leader of the Best of the
Best, as well as a former WWA Champion... he is Calvin
Coleman, a.k.a. the BABYFACE BRAWLER!"
[As the music continues to play, the Babyface Brawler
steps out on the entrance ramp. Goldberg-esque
pyrotechnics go off all around him. After soaking in
the mixed reaction for a few moments, he makes his way
to the ring.]
[While BFB is in his estimated mid-to-late 20's, he
doesn't look a day over 19. He has no facial or chest
hair and has a very clean face with two dimples. The
female fans react to him as if he's Leonardo DiCaprio
& Ricky Martin rolled up into one, while their male
counterparts view him as a little brother. BFB has a
muscular body like Chris Jericho and very little of
body fat, enough though to make it possible for him to
drop a few pounds if needed. He is about 6'2", 250
pounds. He has a rock-hard stomach. He has deep blue
eyes and naturally blonde hair that falls just past
his shoulders, which is kept back in a ponytail today.
He wears a black and blue suit.]
MANNING: (echoing Sammy) "Not him!"
KNIGHT: "Anyone but him! Oh, he LOOKS innocent, but
he's the most sadistic bastard to ever compete in the
WWA! Beating his opponents was never enough; he
always had to try to maim and/or humiliate them
afterward. He'd try to make it look like his opponent
wasn't even worthy of being in the ring with him!"
MANNING: "I had no idea arrogance was so distasteful
KNIGHT: "Anyone associated with the Best of the
Best... especially the LEADER of the Best of the
Best... is distasteful to me, Rich."
[The Brawler has a microphone in his hands. He pushes
his way through the crowd of wrestlers on the rampway
and heads down to the ring. He hops on the apron
ostentatiously and then leaps over the top rope,
landing on his feet in the ring.]
BFB: "Hello, everybody!"
BFB: "And hello to you, Leviathan. Good to see
you're doing well."
[The Brawler sounds anything but sincere, which is
clearly not lost on the former pit-fighter, whose eyes
narrow with loathing on the young man.]
MANNING: "There's a lot of history and rivalry
between these two, that's for sure."
KNIGHT: "And why do I get the feeling there may be
more after this night is over?"
BFB: (turning to Bedrock) "As the new owner of the
WWA, let me congratulate you as well. I even heard
you broke my record for the longest World title reign.
Well, congratulations again. Good for you, taking
the initiative to win and retain the belt while I was
away and not in a position to beat you for it."
["Oohs" from the crowd at this thinly veiled
BEDROCK: (raising an eyebrow) "Is t'at so?"
BFB: (grinning broadly) "Well of course! Anyway,
this is truly a great day! Just think, Leviathan...
now I'm YOUR boss!"
[HUGE mixed reaction from the crowd. Leviathan stands
up straight, his eyes narrowing.]
LEVIATHAN: "No, you're not."
BFB: (forcing a smile, shaking his head with
confusion) "What... what do you mean?"
LEVIATHAN: "I _mean_ exactly what I said. You think
I'm going to work for _you_? Listen up, you little
punk. We may be about the same age, but I was winning
world titles while you were still practicing your best
Shawn Michaels imitation in the mirror at home!"
LEVIATHAN: "And quite frankly, I made enough money in
the CWC to support myself for life. So if you still
think you're going to be my boss, you can take my job
and stick it up your ass, assuming Akira Shinju's nose
isn't blocking the way!"
[BFB is shocked into motionlessness, his mouth hanging
open. Leviathan leaves the ring, walking up to the
entrance ramp, still holding the microphone.]
LEVIATHAN: (to the wrestlers on the rampway) "Part
the seas, my friends. I'm out of here. Anyone who
wants to join me is free to do so."
[Murmuring begins among the wrestlers. Some of the
more long-term WWA'ers, like Crimestarter, Griffon,
Bartlett, and the referees regale the others with
stories of the Babyface Brawler's past. None of them
look very enthusiastic about the prospect of working
KNIGHT: "What's this? Crimestarter Jim is asking
Leviathan for the microphone... and Levi is giving it
MANNING: "That is quite a sight to see... I don't
think I've ever seen those two standing next to each
other and NOT taking swings at each other!"
CRIMESTARTER JIM: "Babyface Brawler, I think I speak
for everyone here..."
[He looks around, noting that everyone is nodding in
CRIMESTARTER JIM: "... that not ONE of us has ANY
intention of working for an @$$hole like you!"
[Definitely the biggest face pop Crimestarter's ever
received in his career! Meanwhile, Jim hands the
microphone off to the Vindicator.]
VINDICATOR: (smiling wryly) "Enjoy your new
federation, Calvin. I'm sure it'll be reeeeeeeally
successful without any actual wrestlers in it."
[Another huge pop!]
MANNING: "What does this mean?"
KNIGHT: "I think... I think we may be out of a job,
Rich! With all the wrestlers quitting on the spot,
the WWA is nothing! It can't exist without the
MANNING: "Everyone is now filtering out of the arena
to a huge ovation, leaving only BFB and Bedrock, who
still stand in the middle of the ring."
BFB: (flabbergasted, he turns to Bedrock) "Can you
believe this? You know what this is? All of them are
JEALOUS of me! They all remember vividly when I took
them all out one-by-one! Being a double champion, I'm
sure you're used to everyone in that locker room being
jealous of you."
BEDROCK: (flatly) "Aye."
BFB: "Well, no reason to worry about all those losers
leaving, Bedrock. (he slaps Bedrock on his wounded
shoulder, getting a grimace and an angry glare from
the big man, neither of which the Brawler notices).
You've beaten them all, anyway. No one needs to see
you crush the Vindicator or Riggins or Noah or the PTA
for the eight-billionth time. I needed to go on a
talent search, anyway, to find new opponents for you.
Bedrock, believe me, you're going to be rewarded for
your loyalty to my WWA! I'm going to send your career
into the stratosphere! I want to see former world
champions lying at your feet in a heap."
BEDROCK: (cocking his head) "Is t'at so? Well, I'd
hate t' not deliver fer me new boss."
BFB: "That's wonderf--"
BEDROCK: (interrupting) "In fact, one former world
champ lyin' at me feet comin' up!"
[With that, Bedrock lashes out with his left hand,
grabbing BFB around the throat!]
MANNING: "Oh my God! Bedrock lifts... CHOKESLAM ON
THE BABYFACE BRAWLER!"
KNIGHT: "OH MY GOD! I think that means Bedrock's
["NIB" by Black Sabbath thunders over the P.A. to a
gargantuan pop! Bedrock leaves the ring, dragging
both title belts behind him.]
MANNING: "Bedrock heading up the entrance ramp after
everyone else, leaving BFB lying prone in the ring!
The Babyface Brawler may be the new president, but the
president of what? The WWA can't function without
wrestlers or referees!"
[Bedrock stops at the top of the ramp, turns to face
the crowd, and holds up both belts in triumph to a
massive pop. He then turns around and heads back to
the locker room.]
KNIGHT: "Does this mean the end of the federation?"
MANNING: "I don't know; maybe if someone challenged
BFB for control, the other wrestlers would come back.
But I don't know who that would be!"
KNIGHT: "I'd offer to take control, but I'm...
well... I'm just lazy."
MANNING: "I gotta respect your honesty there.
Anyway, fans, what a PPV, what a main event, and what
an unexpected turn with Lady Red selling the WWA to
the Babyface Brawler, the most hated man in the
history of this organization, and everyone quitting
right on the spot! This is Rich Manning for Sammy
Knight saying goodnight."
KNIGHT: "And that we'll see you later...
[The camera fades out on the prone form of the
***COPYRIGHT WWA 2001***