["I'm Cummin Hardkore" by DJ Irene plays and a video montage plays of Hardkore World's 21 year history. A still image of Marty Donovan's face has been inserted in every shot. Marty Donovan hits Andrew Karnage with The Blackout... Marty Donovan chokeslams Big Brute ACE off of a balcony to the floor below...Marty Donovan pulls back on a scorpion deathlock on Dragon Kimura... Marty Donovan drops "Tigerheart" Rally Jackson on the back of his head with The Kill...Marty Donovan hits a rana off the second turnbuckle on Rad Rick... Marty Donovan nails Death Gojira with a Helldriver...Marty Donovan throws powder in Bronco Guerillo's eyes... Marty Donovan hits Ghandi the Butcher with The Unabomber... Marty Donovan hits Kuala Hala with a facebreaker deathkick... Marty Donovan flaming thumper heart punches Quasimoto Jones...Marty Donovan hits San Diego Strangler with The Deathstryke...Marty Donovan pins "Nightmare" Stormy Sommers with a sadioplex...Marty Donovan hits Bobby Nowa with a Zero Grav Leg
Drop...Marty Donovan puts Adrian Faust through a press table with a cradle piledriver...Marty Donovan tiger drivers Matthew X...Marty Donovan comes off the rope with a springboard DDT on El Hombre Murcie'Lago...Marty Donovan nails Ace Kilcannon with a crucifix ganso bomb...Marty Donovan executes a gorgeous corkscrew 450 splash on "Sweet" Richard Romero..."Sexy" Marty Donovan bending Makoto Jupiter in half with a scorpion deathlock with a crossface...Marty Donovan drops from off the top of a cage with a crowbar across the chest of
Death Gojira on a burning car...Marty Donovan delivering a crisp helicopter rana on Xyrynth onto a chair...The Miracle Marty Donovan Combination II giving Tarrasque a Shotgun Suplex...Marty Donovan gives Robert Hunglestien III The Answer 2005...Lonewolf McNeely gets a running start and jumps into the Scent of Destruction diamond cutter but Marty Donovan reverses it into a reverse DDT faceplant off the second rope...Lucifer Jones gives Devon Stevens a London Air Raid off the top rope through a table on the floor...Marty Donovan backflips off the cage, catching Brandi on the top turnbuckle on the way down with a inverted FireBird DDT...Marty Donovan puts the ladder over Cobryn's head in the corner with his chest in the turnbuckle, then jumps off the top turnbuckle on the long end, see sawing him into the audience....Marty Donovan grabs Adrian Tanner Jr. on the apron and hits The Bad Touch to the floor...Marty Donovan comes off the top rope with a shooting star press on Vagabond through a table on the floor...Marty Donovan gives Andrew Karnage an exploder off the ring steps on to the concrete floor...Marty Donovan gives Kilroy Evans a burning hammer off the apron through a burning table with thumbtacks...Marty Donovan DDTs Marty Donovan off the apron to the concrete floor......"Rising Sun" Marty Donovan running clotheslines Marty Donovan on & over the barbed wire...Marty Donovan tiger drivers Adrian Tanner Jr. off the top rope through a table...Marty Donovan turns around just as Andrew Karnage runs at him with the Nightmare Lariot but Marty Donovan smacks his outstretched arm with the chair......Marty Donovan lifts up "Platinum" Pat Bozzini Pat in an atomic drop and drops him feet first onto the thumbtacks then it fades into a graphic that reads "HKW: New England".]
[Pyros explode and “So What” by Pink plays over the PA system. The camera pans around the screaming fans in The Mohegan Sun Arena. The ring is mysteriously dark with only a single spot light on Wild Bill. The shot fades to a close up of Matt Boone sitting at one end of the announcer booth,wearing a suit jacket over a Jeff Hardy t-shirt.]
Boone: A sea of red tape had to be cut through, but Hardkore New England has returned. Tonight thirty wrestlers will wage war for a coveted trophy, a million dollar check, A championship belt, and Natale Burrow's orifices. Thanks for joining us, folks. I'm Former prowrestling.com reporter Matt Boone. I'll be brining you all kinds of interviews and breaking news throughout the program. I hope we laugh. I hope we cry. I hope we learn. Yolanda?
[The camera pans over to Yolanda in a stunning, one strap, black dress.]
Ando: Thanks Matt! I'm Yolonda Ando, fashion expert. I will be providing commentary and critiques on all the performers' outfits. I'm also a bit of gossip and twitter bug so expect some dirt to be dished as well. Phil?
[The camera pans towards Phil Blauer, dressed as a black jack dealers, shuffling through a deck of cards.]
Blauer: Thanks babe. I'm Phil Blauer, the five time, five time,five time, five time, five time Desert Hawk journalism award winner. I have been blessed with a keen eye for a story and the vocal cords of a siren. I will be providing the color commentary for tonights shows. We're broadcasting live from the Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, Connecticut,
a place where winners win big and losers leave with nothing. As for Natalie's fate, who can say what...
[Blauer deals a card to Yolanda. She holds up revealing it to be the three of diamonds.]
Blauer: ...the cards hold.
Ando: This was suppose to be the ace of hearts, wasn't it?
Blauer: Of course, as color commentator, I only fill in the little nuances. There is one man, a brilliant god of our industry, who will carry you through tonight's broadcast. This man is the top talent in his field and without argument THE voice of Hardkore World. Please welcome my long, long time partner and best friend-
[The camera pans to the play by play commenter. He is wearing an all black suit.]
Blauer: Brian Sollie!
[Brian smiles and gives the camera a nod.]
Sollie: Thanks for the kind words, Phil! I am honored to be here in Hardkore World and look forward to calling some incredible in ring action for all of you at home. Commissioner Marty Donovan, in his attempts to finally win the love of Natalie Burrows, has created a unique and exciting event. Thirty fighters will compete in a top rope battle royal. The winner of that bout will go on to face Tarrasque in a no disqualification match for The Hardkore New England Heavyweight Title. Who ever is champion after that match will then face Marty Donovan for a million dollars and Natalie Burrows.
Ando: Is Natalie Burrows even here?
Blauer: Great question, I haven't seen her. She must be blowing some teamsters in the back.
Boone: I can go look for her if you like.
Blauer: Make it snappy Boone. I don't want those luscious lips supporting organized unions and let her know that Phil's whoopie whistle needs some blowing.
[Boone salutes and scurries off.]
Blauer: Cute kid, his life is going nowhere.
Sollie: We now go to Hardkore Ring announcer “Wild”Bill Kassal who has a very special announcement. Take it away Bill!
[The shot cuts to Wild Bill standing in the small circle of light within the darkened ring.]
Wild Bill: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to luxurious Mohegun Sun Casino. You are about to witness Hardkore New England’s return pay-per-view, THE “not NATALIE BURROWS APPRECIATION NIGHT”!!!
[The fans cheer widely.]
Wild Bill: Our first match will be a 30 contestant “not NATALIE BURROWS TOPLESS TOP ROPE BATTLE ROYAL.”
[Again the fans cheer widely.]
Wild Bill: This match will be begin with two competitors in the ring. Another wrestler will enter the match every two minutes. The only way to eliminate a competitor is to throw them over the top rope and have both feet touch the ground.
[The shot fades to Marty Donovan standings on the entrance ramp, he is wearing a Gold and black tuxedo. He waves to the crowd.]
Wild Bill: Commissioner Donovan does not know the contestants in the match or the order in which they will be entering. To ensure a fair and safe environment he will enter “The Marty meditation pod”.
[Marty walks over to a replica of Darth Vader’s chamber from Empire Strikes Back. He sits in it and the mechanical egg closes.]
Wild Bill: Now, it is time to unveil the special match stipulation. You’ve all heard of sheer madness?
Blauer: Great play.
[The lights in the arena go up to reveal the set up. The ring is completely surrendered by tables that go two rows deep. The arena fans exploded in excitement.]
Wild Bill: This is MIR MADNESS!
Sollie: What a turn of events! This battle royal shall be contested under the infamous Mir match setting.
Blauer: A kind of match that needs no introduction. The man who can fold up and stack the most tables in under ten minutes will be declared the winner.
Sollie: What? No, you have to put them through the table.
Blauer: You wouldn’t want to do that. Broken tables count against your total. I should also mention that away team tables count as two on aggregate.
Ando: Just nod your head.
[ “stuck In the Middle with you” by Steve Miller Band begins to play and the fans boo. James Fierce emerges from the back with The Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over his shoulder. He arrogantly struts down the ramp.]
Sollie: Normally, I don’t think Marty Donovan would have Fierce, his close friend, entering first.
Blauer: Well, he let a young, hormonal, teenage girl run the drawing. I’m sure we’ll see several cast members of Glee in tonight’s match.
Ando: Fierce is wearing a Natalie Burrows pink t-shirt. One definitely made for a girl, a little girl I should add, and pink wrestling tights with white boots. He also seems to have a big camping back pack.
Blauer: Prolly filled with sex toys for Natalie.
Wild Bill: Introducing the first competitor. This fighter is from West-by-gawd-Virginia and weighs in at a slender one hundrerd and three pounds.
Ando: A hundred and three?
Wild Bill: He is, The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, James Fierce!
[The fans boo as Fierce takes a bow. “Baby Love” by The Supreme’s play
and Frank Wilke sheepishly walks out. He tries to explain to the fans that he never had an entrance before and Marty offered to pick his music. The fans are having none of it. The boo and throw trash at him.]
Sollie: Controversy seems to follow Wilkes, but we must remember everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Blauer: As a journalist for twenty years, I can assure you that no one has ever done that.
Wild Bill: And his challenger. From Camden, New Jersey and weighing 229lbs, Frank Wilkes!
Ando: Frank wears standard black wrestling tights and boots. What he should wear is a standard issue prison uniform! That is where this sick freak deserves to be, prison! Actually, I know an even better place he can go...
Blauer: The Johnny Rocket’s in the casino mall?
[The fans boo again but begin to cheer as Ron Reid calls for the bell.]
DING DING DING
Sollie: And we’re under way.
[ Frank holds his hands up to offer a test of strength, but Fierce instantly rolls out of the ring. The fans boo.]
Sollie: Or we’re not under way...
[Fierce sits on a table and begins to set up equipment from his backpack.]
Blauer: What is Fierce doing?
Ando: I think...he’s setting up a tent?
[Sure enough, Fierce is building a camping site outside of the ring. The fans really start to boo him and Frank complains to the ref.]
Sollie: I think our Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion is content waiting this one out.
Blauer: Frank Wilkes tries to pump up the crowd. I don’t think it is working.
[Frank heads to the ropes and sheepishly asks Fierce to enter. James just waves before crawling in his tent and zipping it up.]
[The counter for the next entrant begins to tick.]
Sollie: Well, hopefully now this match will start in earnest.
Blauer: Frank might get to face someone easier than Fierce as well.
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[“Here comes the pain” by Method Man plays and the arena explodes in excitement.]
Blauer: Or not!
Ando: Bruno wears red wrestling tights with the word “Bruno” in black font.
[ Bruno comes barreling down the ramp and slides into the ring. Frank goes for another lock up, but Bruno knocks him out of his boots with a clothesline.]
Sollie: Bruno, a UCW legend I’m very familiar with, has hit the ground running. Wilkes is trying to get up, but the seven foot monster is kicking him around.
[ Bruno continues to stomp Frank, who struggles to get to his knees.]
Sollie: Frank struggles to his feet, but Bruno is picking him up above his head.
[ Bruno showboats, bench pressing the man above him with ease, before tossing him to the canvas below. The fans cheer.]
Blauer: In some ways, this is prolly just preparing Frank for prison.
[Wilkes staggers to his feet and leans on the ropes for support. Bruno charges at him, but Wilkes rolls out of the way.]
Sollie: Bruno comes barreling in, but the speedier Frank dodges. Bruno can’t stop his momentum! He crashes through the ropes and clings for life.
Blauer: He almost sent himself over and on to the tables.
[ Frank grabs the back of Brunos head and tries to push him over.]
Sollie: Frank is trying to capitalize on Bruno's mistakes, but he only gets a back elbow to the face!
[ Another spinning elbow sends Frank Wilkes back to the mat. Bruno pumps up the crowd who respond with loud cheers.]
Sollie: Bruno is stalking his prey.
Blauer: I think my favorite wrestler is looking to land the a big spear on Wilkes.
[ Wilkes staggers to his feet as Bruno comes bouncing off the ropes at the last second Frank leaps in the air, grabbing Brunos head.]
Sollie: A jumping DDT! Frank Wilkes finds a way to survive a little longer against the UCW legend.
[ Both men catch their breath for a moment. Frank crawls over to Bruno and locks in an armbar.]
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ “Send For The Man” by AC/ DC begins to play through the arena. The fans cheer as Sam Piltdown struts out with an open beer in his hand. He raises it to the crowd, takes a sip, and runs down the ramp.]
Blauer: NO! NO! Not the dumber, red neckier version of Kilroy Evans!
Ando: Sam wears a black wrestling singlet and long pant trunks. On the lower back are the words "Piltdown Man" in grey. He also wears black boots with a grey star on each sideand Black and white tie-dyed elbowpads and kneepads.
[Sam slides in the ring and instantly goes for a leg drop on both fighters.]
Sollie: A big leg drop that spills some beer on the fighters as well.
[ Sam gets up and takes a big swig of his beer. He waits till Frank is on his feet and hits him with the beer can.]
Sollie: The arena explodes with excitement as Frank Wilkes gets a beer bath.
[Bruno gets to his feet as Frank spins around in pain. Bruno hits him spinning him back around to Sam.]
Sollie: Bruno and Sam are taking turns using Frank Wilkes as a punching bag.
Blauer: Again, prison experience.
[The fans cheer with each hit. The men continue to smack Frank back and forth.]
Sollie: For those keeping tack at home, that is ten back to back hits.
Blauer: One for each felony committed.
[Bruno grabs the wounded man and shoves his head between his legs for a powerbomb. Sam gives him the thumbs up.]
Sollie: Some more double teaming.
Blauer: Just like Boone and I are going to do to that ring rat, Natalie. Where is Boone anyway?
Ando: You sent him backstage to make sure she wasn't blowing truck drives.
Blauer: Well, you think he'd have some sense of urgency. My feet need massaging.
[ Bruno lifts Frank above his head, but Sam dropkicks the Compton colossal.]
Sollie: No! Piltdown tricked Bruno. Frank Wilkes come crashing down on the UCW general manager.
[Sam quickly yanks Frank up by the hair and tosses him over the top rope.]
Sollie: Frank is gone. NO! He's dangling from the rope.
[Wilkes holds his legs above the table and clings to the rope for life. Before Sam can react Bruno sucker punches him in the back of the head.]
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ “White Knuckles” by Alter Bridge begins to play through the speakers. The fans cheer as Reaper poses on stage with his beautiful manager, Anna.]
Ando: Reaper wears an AJ Styles type vest and short outfit that is black and silver. A logo of the grim reaper is on it.
Sollie: Reaper, an FCW staple, is one of the few individuals to show common respect and decency when discussing Natalie Burrows.
Blauer: The other one is me.
Ando: Well, he has his manager Anna. Also, he might have this wild theory that women shouldn't be won in top rope battle royals.
Blauer: Get real, Yolanda. Are we gonna have ladder matches for them?
[ Reaper slaps the hands of his fans and then slides in the ring. Bruno comes at him, but Reaper strikes first with a kick to the stomach and a snap ddt.]
Sollie: The FCW rookie lands a nice snap DDT. Sam Piltdown turns his attention to the new challenger.
[ Sam leaves Frank Wilkes, who is clutching to the bottom rope, and starts exchanging punches with Reaper.]
Sollie: They're exchange blows. Reaper blocks a shot and wraps up Sam's arms , but the southerner just starts head butting.
[ Reaper tries to get his hands up, but Sam continues to beat down on him with his thick head. Reaper falls to a knee, but Bruno grabs Sam from behind.]
Sollie: What a great german suplex from Bruno. I think he's trying to pay Piltdown back for that betrayal earlier.
[ Bruno bounces off the ropes and hits a leg drop. Meanwhile, Reaper sneeks away to the other side of the ring and starts kicking Wilkes.]
Blauer: Frank clings desperately to the bottom rope as if it was a statue of limitations law!
[ Once again, Bruno dead lifts Sam over his head and walks towards the ropes.]
Sollie: Bruno looking for a stylish elimination, but Sam wiggles free.
[Sam lands on his feet and behind Bruno. He lands a inverse DDT on compton's favorite wrestler.]
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ “Trippin” by Godsmack begins to play and the arena explodes in shock.]
Sollie: No way! Could it be?
[Tripps steps out on to the stage and chugs a plastic bottle of water. He than sprays mist into the crowd.]
Blauer: The infamous Tripps has returned for his favorite match type.
Ando: Tripps wears black and silver tights with his name on them. He also has a t-shirt with the date 4/15.
[ Bruno and Sam look on in disbelief. Reaper scratches his head and asks who this guy is.]
Blauer: Things are about to get UWA up in this bia-tch.
[Tripps points to the men in the ring and comes barreling down the ramp. He slides in and ducks under a punch from Bruno. Tripps runs right towards Reaper, who hip tosses him over the top rope and through a table. The arena explodes.]
Blauer: That didn't last long.
Sollie: The surprise entrant, Tripps, has quickly become our first elimination.
[Frank Wilkes slides back into the ring and tries to crawl to safety, but Reaper grabs his leg and puts him in a figure four leg lock.]
Sollie: This has been a tough match for Frank so far. He was one of the first two men to enter and has been the target of a lot of the other competitors.
Blauer: You sneak into an eighth grade dance and suddenly you have a bulls eye on your back.
[ Bruno and Sam are now exchanging punches as Frank screams in pain.]
Sollie: Frank makes it to the ropes and the official forces Reaper to break the hold.
[Reaper releases the hold, but starts to stomp away on Wilkes again.]
Sollie: Bruno manages to wrestle his way around Sam and gets him in an Argentinean back breaker.
[ The southerner screams in pain and struggles to get free.]
Blauer: Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd imagine if Bruno won tonight the prize would go to the runner up.
Blauer: Doesn't the south still have laws against interracial babies? I think I read that in this week's Time Magazine.
Ando: The only thing you read was the microwave instructions to easy mac.
[Bruno spins around before dropping to his knees. The audience grimaces as Sam flops around.]
Sollie: I think Bruno might have just broken a spine!
Blauer: Don't be silly, woman. I have Boone to make me easy mac. What the hell is taking him so long anyway?
[Reaper picks up Frank and irish whips him into the ropes.]
Sollie: Reaper goes for a dropkick, but Frank hooked the ropes to stop his momentum.
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ “The Everlasting Gaze” by The Smashing Pumpkins play and the fans boo. “The Silver Bullet” Matt Myers staggers out and takes a sip of his beer.]
Sollie: “The Silver Bullet” Matt Myers has the left the world of wrestling to serve as Marty's personal goon, but this man is no slouch. He's a former UWA United Kingdoms Champion and had held five sperate titles in SWFJL, including their World Heavyweight Championship.
Blauer: I swept the Blauerys last year. Well, nearly swept. Yolanda won best exotic bitch.
Ando: I couldn't make the ceremony. Myers wears black Tajiri style trunk with “Silver Bullet” down the legs. He also has a black towel over his head.
[ Myers charges into the ring and spears Bruno out of his boots.]
Sollie: Bullet train!
[Myers sips whats left of his spilled beer and starts to unload punches on Bruno.]
Sollie: Sam is resting up his injured back in the corner while Frank and Reaper exchange punches.
[ Myers gets up and charges at the distracted Frank, but wilkes turns around in time and leaps over Myers.]
Sollie: Such athleticism from Frank Wilkes! The Bullet train connects with Reaper instead.
[ Frank calls to Sam and points to Bruno. They nod and both head over.]
Sollie: Sam and Frank are now attempting to double team the injured Bruno.
[ They both grab an arm and suplex him over their heads. The fans cheer.]
Sollie: It will be interesting what make shift allegiances are created and destroyed tonight.
Blauer: Anything is possible when the opportunity to be in Natalie's vagina for three minutes is on the line.
[ Sam and Frank drag Bruno to the near ropes and each grab a leg. Bruno kicks widely and clings to the rope for his life.]
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[The Nyan Cat song beings to play on loop and Tony Da Ring Cat crawls out on all fours. he stands up and raises his paw slowly into the air as pyro shoots up from the stage with a loud bang. He quickly sprints down the aisle, slapping hands with the fans and doing a quick lap of the ring. Before entering the ring, Tony removes his cat ears and sets it on the head of a random kid in the crowd. The fans cheer.]
Ando: Tony Da Ring Cat wears a feline furry costume.
Blauer: Tony should be killed with fire.
[Tony springboards off the middle of the ropes and lands on Bruno’s shoulder.]
Sollie: This cat is airborn and he takes Bruno down with a shoulder spin rana.
[ Sam goes to approach Tony, but is scared away by his cat like hissing.]
Blauer: I’m going to vomit.
[ Tony starts scratching Bruno across the face as Frank and Sam get in a test of strength.]
Sollie: We’re seeing a lot of different styles in this match up.
Blauer: You mean we’re seeing a lot different alternative life styles in this match up.
[Bruno gets to a knee but Tony is ready.]
Sollie: A great shinning wizard from Da Ringcat. Not everbody can do that move.
Blauer: Especially in FCW.
[ Sam once again over powers Frank and german suplexes him. Reaper waits in the corner catching his breath.]
Sollie: Matt Myers is trying to bait Reaper up for another Bullet Train. The FCW star opts to take a defensive position in the corner instead.
Blauer: I think it is despicable how Reaper is letting the others slug it out at the moment.
Sollie: James Fierce is outside the ring, hiding in a sleeping tent.
Blauer: He’s enjoying the wild, green yonder! This is Indian territory!
[ Sam backs Frank into the corner and starts to unload with rights and lefts.]
Sollie: Bruno is getting back up to his feet, but Tony springboards off the ropes with an asai DDT!
[The arena explodes with cheers as Tony stretches like a cat about to pounce and meows.]
Blauer: This is why we’re losing the war.
[ Sam charges at the turnbuckle and lands a big body splash. Frank collapses to the mat.]
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[The Penn State fight song plays as Penn State football jerseys begin to fall from the rafters.]
Sollie: Oh dear. Steve Bishop is best know for his successful wrestling career in SWAT, but he also spent three years on the Penn State football team.
Blauer: Frank Wilkes must be inspired.
Ando: Steve Bishop wears blue and white trunks with the Penn State logo. He’s carrying a similarly themed football to the ring.
[ Steve slides into the ring and throws the ball directly into Reaper’s face.]
Blauer: Chad Henne like accuracy.
[Matt and Steve both pounce on Reaper and begin to stomp him into the mat.]
Sollie: It seems Marty’s two goons are honoring allegiances for the time being.
[ Frank Wilkes crawls over to the downed Bruno and Sam pursues him. The Southerner is halted in his tracks by Tony who starts to weave in between his feet like a cat and brush up against him.]
Blauer: Now, I know this wont fly in the south.
Sollie: Sam gives Tony a kick in the face and tell him to scram. The Ring Cat is hissing angrily at him.
[ Tony hops up to a crane stance ala The Karate Kid. Sam rolls his eyes.]
Sollie: Some movie references going on in the middle of the ring. Meanwhile, Frank Wilkes has slipped away and got Bruno into a surfboard hold.
[Bruno screams in pain as Wilkes locks in the hold. Piltdown tells Tony to knock it off and that stuff doesn’t work in real life. The ring cat refuses and the angry southerner charges in with a punch just to get nailed in the nose with the crane kick.]
Sollie: Listen to that crowd! They love it.
[The crowd is chanting “Daniel-San”as Sam rolls around holdings his bloody nose.]
Sollie: Reaper stagger up to his feet, holding on to the ropes for balance.
[Bishop encourages Myers to go for another spear. He charges in with his finisher, but Reaper pulls down on the ropes and Matt Myers going flying over. The crowd explodes as he crashes through a table.]
Sollie: Matt Myers crashes and burns. Only our second elimination so far. These men have all kept the match close.
[Tony lands a standing moonsault on Sam.]
Sollie: Here comes out tenth entrant!
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ Blue pryo shoots from all four ring posts as "King of Kings blare out of the sound system. The fans begin to whip into a frenzy. Suddenly the lights go out in the arena for just a few seconds. A cold wind can be heard blowing. The lights come back on, but they are a light blue color as that same cold wind continues to blow.
We look up to the top of the arena and it appears to be snowing as begins to fall all around the arena. More blue pryo goes off, but this time it goes from the entrance way. The camera quickly glance up at the marty-tron as it appears in icy blue letters ..... "FROSTBITE".]
Sollie: Uh oh! Here comes a man on a mission!
[Frostbite comes barreling down the ramp, practically foaming at the mouth.]
Ando: Frostbite wears a blue t-shirt with a snow based catch phrase on it. He wears long blue tights and black boots.
[Frostbite slides in the ring. Tony Da Ring Cat springboard off the ropes and on to Frostbites shoulders, but the newest competitor just grabs Tony and runs to the ropes.]
Sollie: Frostbite out powers the nimbler cat and power bombs him over the top rope.
Blauer: I approve of this.
[ Bishop tries to sneak behind and goes for a cutter, but Frostbite leans back just in time.]
Sollie: Frostbite grabs Bishop around the waist and german suplexes him over the top ropes.
[The crowd goes wild as Bishop goes flipping down to a table.]
Blauer: Frostbite already has two eliminations! Something has him fired up!
Sollie: Rebecca's cancer is clearly what is powering the UCW hall of famer.
Blauer: Don't be stupid. Cancer makes you weaker. Why would he inject her cells into him?
[ Reaper charges at Frostbite with a clothesline, but he ducks under it.]
Sollie:Frostbite answers with a sidekick to Reaper's face.
[ The FCW star stumbles into the ropes and Frostbite charges in with a clothesline, launching him over and through a table.]
Sollie: Frostbite has just eliminated three men in under a minute!
[ Sam Piltdown starts exchanging punches with Frostbite. Bruno and Frank, watch from the ground, afraid.]
Blauer: Much like Natalie Burrows ugly, fat friend, no one wants a piece of Frostbite.
[ Bruno gets up to a one knee defensive stance, but Frank Wilkes tries to crawl away.]
Sollie: Frank Wilkes is trying to crawl under the bottom rope to safety.
Blauer: No one here has taken more of a beating than Frank. Foreshadowing of what Natalie Burrows womb will endure.
[Frank gets under the rope, but Bruno grabs on to a foot.]
Sollie: The Hardkore American Champion isn't going to let a wounded opponent get away that easily.
Blauer: I use the same strategy at bars. You can't let Ando take a cab home after buying her four swedish fish shots.
Ando: They're delicious.
[ Frank Wilkes clings to the edge of a table as Bruno yanks and pulls on his foot.]
Sollie: Frostbite tries to irish whip Piltdown, but gets hit with a short arm clothesline.
[ Bruno has turned the hold into an ankle lock. Frank screams in pain and clings for his life.]
Blauer: Sam yanks Frostbite up by the head and not by the weird hand of his that is missing a finger.
[ Piltdown sets up for a german suplex, he starts to lift Frostbite up, but the UCW star overpowers him.]
Sollie: Frostbite weighs himself down and responds with a german suplex of his own. Frostbite is fighting for Rebecca's life. He has been an absolute dominant monster so far!
Sollie: Bruno has turned his hold into an ankle lock and is trying to drag Wilkes back in. He twists away as Frank screams in pain.
[ Sam staggers back up to his feet and starts exchanging head butts with Frostbite.]
Sollie: Both these men are stubborn, tough, and mean. Neither of them are gonna back down.
Blauer: This is also how moose prove their worthiness to potential mates. They don't like when you do this at Ruby Tuesdays though.
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ "Ghost Walking" by Lamb of God starts to play through out the arena. The fans all stand, eager to see the new arrival.]
Sollie: Well the internet has been buzzing for our next contestant.
Blauer: Big tits?
[A small man in a luchador costume walks out and says a prayer.]
Blauer: I've seen bigger.
Sollie: Masquerade, a Brazilian disciple of the legendary Chupacabra, is about to make his North American debut.
Ando: Masquerade wears traditional wrestling tights ,boots, and a luchador mask. The color scheme is of the Brazilian flag. He also wears a sleeveless white trenchcoat with a flag motif.
[Masquerade waves to the crowd and takes off his trenchcoat. He holds it in one hand as he runs down the ramp.]
Sollie: Masquerade hops onto the middle of the top rope and tosses his trenchcoat on to Piltdown. The hillbilly is blinded and struggling to get it off his head. Masquerade comes off the rope and nails him with a flying missile dropkick.
[ Frostbite swipes at him but Masquerade back flips to safety and the fans applaude.]
Sollie: Already the young luchador is showcasing a unique offense.
Blauer: So is Frank Wilkes.
[ Frank has managed to get out of his boot and scurries outside of the ring under the bottom rope.]
Sollie: Bruno's prey has gotten away from him. The Hardkore America Champion tosses the boot angrily.
[ Masquerade goes for a roundhouse kick and Frostbite catches it. The luchador spins around and nails him with the other leg.]
Sollie: Dragon tail whip kick! Frostbite staggers back injured.
[ Masquerade backflips again and nails frostbite with his leg.]
Blauer: And he follows it up with a nice pele kick!
[ Masquerade pumps up the crowd before landing a standing moonsault on frostbite. Sam Piltdown tosses the trenchcoat off and charges in.]
Sollie: Piltdown goes for a punch, but Masquerade drops down into a split!
[ The crowd goes berserk as Masquerade taunts Piltdown from down in the split.
Sollie: We have never seen anything like Masquerade.
[Frustrated Sam comes back off the other ropes, grabbing at Masquerade who falls to the ground.]
Sollie: Sam goes for a lock up, but Masquerade monkey flips back to the mat.
[ Masquerade poses again, but gets clocked with a flying knee.]
Sollie: The young show off just got blindsided by Frostbite.
[Frostbite grabs the luchador and scoop slams him.]
Blauer: Lets not forget about the action going on outside of the ring too.
[ Frank Wilkes is hiding under a table as Bruno slides under the bottom rope. The Compton colossal starts flipping tables.]
Sollie: Frank Wilkes is crawling away from a locked on Bruno. He's using the tables as shelter at the moment.
Blauer: This is like an urban version of the kitchen scene in Jurrassic Park!
[ James Fierce opens his tent door and frantically waves for Wilkes to get in.]
Sollie: The Hardkore World Champion is offering Frank sanctuary.
[Wilkes tosses up a table and bolts towards the tent. James Fierce zips it back up before he can get there.]
Sollie: Now that is just cruel.
Blauer: Would you want to be trapped in a tent with Frank?
[Wilkes starts hyperventilating as he sees Bruno walking across table tops towards him.]
Sollie: Back in the ring, the tides have turned on Masquerade.
Sam Piltdown now has him in a master lock and frostbite unloads with punches.
[ Masquerade takes punch after another to the gut. He unexpectedly swings his legs up and wraps them around Sam's neck.]
Sollie: Masquerade wraps his feet around Sam and Frostbite lets go. The little luchador takes Piltdown out with a spinning head sissors take down.
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[Black lights turn on in the arena as "No More Words" by Endeverafter begins to play through out the arena. The Marty-tron begins playing highlights from Jeff hardy matches.]
Sollie: Can it be!?!?!
Blauer: This would be unpresedented.
[ This eigmatic superstar stumbles out to the entrance, doing a weird snake like slithering. The fat fans go bonkers. The camera zooms in and we see the face of the individual.]
Blauer: You have got to be kidding me.
[The crowd boos as they see who it is. Matt Boone just nods his head and keeps slithering down the ramp.]
Sollie: It seems are field reporter has decided to enter the battle.
Blauer: I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
Ando: Boone wears a black and purple fishnet shirt and those weird, ICP, white trash jeans. His face is painted with glow in the dark paints just like Jeff Hardy. He also has a neon green belt and these black and green armband things that female pop singers in the 80s might wear.
[Sam and Masquerade start laughing in the ring, while Frostbite just shakes his head in disgust. Outside the ring Bruno has a huge smile while he holds Frank in a headlock.]
Boone: CREATURES OF THE NIGHT!!! HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL!
[The fans mockingly howl back at him, before Boone slides in the ring and precedes to get right in Masquerades face. Sam and Bruno just burst into more laughter at this.]
Sollie: It seems Boone is claiming to be the superior luchador to Masquerade.
Ando: This is going to be good.
Blauer: Speak for yourself.
[Sam, nearly in tears, gets between the two and declares they're going to have a “move off”.]
Sollie: It looks like Piltdown is arranging a high flying game of horse.
Blauer: Frostbite wants no part of these shenanigans and neither do I.
[ Frostbite takes a seat on the turnbuckle as Sam points to Masquerade first. The Brazilian does an impressive backflip and lands on his feet. Boone then follows up with an attempt of his own. Matt awkwardly lands on his head and flops about.]
Sollie: The fans here are loving Boone's arsenal.
[ Sam points to Masquerade again. The little luchador climbs up a turnbuckle and does an impressive swanton bomb.]
Sollie: Perhaps Boone will have more luck at Jeff Hardy's move.
[ Boone climbs up the turnbuckle and flips off. He lands on his tail bone and starts crying in pain.]
Sollie: Or not.
Ando: You've gotten really quiet over there, Phil.
[ Sam motions for Masquerade to hop on his shoulders. The lucha star performs a gentle hurricarana. Sam then points to Frostbite and Boone. The cold hard bastard rolls his eyes, but Boone seems excited.]
Sollie: Boone hops on to Frostbites' shoulders...
[Frostbite slams Boone down to the canvas. The fans break into applause. Bruno falls to the ground laughing and Wilkes slips away.]
Sollie:..and gets hit with a nice seated powerbomb.
[Boone writhers in pain as Frostbite picks him up above his head. The reporter screams and begs for his life as Frostbite tosses him over the top rope and through a table.]
Ando: Oh my god!
Sollie: So much for our backstage interviews.
[While Masquerade is laughing Piltdown clocks him from behind. Frostbite joins in on kicking the downed luchador.]
Sollie: Back to the action we go.
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
["Be Without Fear" by Behemoth plays as the MartyTron shows clips of IGA matches. Jasper Lock struts out with a cocky grin and the fans boo.]
Sollie: Jasper Locke is one of the fastest rising bad boys in the IGA.
Ando: He's also a noted germaphobe which can be a problem in the wrestling profession. He wears traditional black wrestling tights and boots. His tights and pads all have a picture of the corresponding skeleton bones on them.
[ Jasper Locke looks at the beat down happening in the ring. Frostbite glances up and points at him. Jasper bites his lip and then motions backstage.]
Sollie: What is he doing?
[A legion of janitors come out and begin mopping the entrance ramp. The fans boo as one brings Jasper a chair. The janitor scrubs the chair down and then puts a towel on it, so Locke can sit.]
Sollie: Sometimes it seems like Locke milks his fear of germs in order to get out of tough situations.
[ Locke relaxes in the chair and starts to clean his hands with disinfectant gel.]
Blauer: How can you all be making jokes and acting like clowns? Boone seriously injured himself tonight and it hurts my reputation as well!
[ Piltdown and Frostbite drag Masquerade over to the corner. The two assailants start to climb the turnbuckle.]
Sollie: Normally, Masquerade loves being on the top rope, but I don't think he's excited for this.
[Frostbite and Piltdown each grab an arm and place it over their necks. The fans start to cheer for a high spot move.]
Sollie: This could be big, but wait! Bruno is back in the ring!
[Bruno slides in under the rope and slips into the corner. He shoves the two attackers in their chests, sending all three men off the the top rope. The arena explodes in cheers.]
Sollie: What a superplex!!! Bruno just took out all the other competitors.
Ando: If you don't count the three that are hiding.
[ A bloody and dazed Frank Wilkes stumbles up the ramp. He slips on the wet surface and the fans laugh. Jasper Locke starts pointing to him, frantically.]
Sollie: I don't think Locke wants someone as sweaty and bloody as Frank to touch him.
[The cleanings people try to mop Wilkes, but he gets up and shoves them away.]
Ando: I agree with Locke. I wouldn't want Frank near me either.
[The wounded Wilkes tries to make it backstage, but Locke gets up and tosses his chair at him.]
Sollie: Wilkes catches the chair, but Locke follows up with a dropkick!
[The dropkick connects with the chair and Wilkes tumbles off the edge of the stage. The fans cheer as Locke requests a clean chair from the back.]
Sollie: Frank Wilkes takes a nasty dive. He's in no state to compete, but it is worth noting that he still hasn't been eliminated. He is still alive in this contest.
Ando: Alive isn't the word I'd use after a fall like that.
Blauer: Will you stop making light of this? There is a serious problem going on here! A man, who had no training or business being in the ring, tried to fight with professional wrestlers. He got tossed through a table. What kind of message is that sending?
[Bruno pumps up the crowd and then goes to pick up Frostbite, but is suddenly trapped.]
Sollie: Guillotine choke! Bruno fell right into that submission hold. Bruno is fighting to break free.
[ Bruno fanatically tries to break loose and waves his arms helplessly. Eventually, he collapses to the canvas and Frostbite lets go of the hold.]
Sollie:All four of these men are completely exhausted and broken. No one can predict what will happen next in this exciting match!
Blauer: Can we have a reality check for a moment? Boone crossed a dangerous line tonight. You don't see Joe Buck trying to hit homeruns or Bryant Gumble throwing touchdown passes. These men are trained professionals and the viewers shouldn't let the appeal of it all fool them into thinking it is easy. There is a dangerous separation that needs to be respected.
Sollie: Great point, Phil. Don't try this stuff at home, kids.
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ “Feel The Vibe” by Axwell plays as a KESQ news packages roll on the Martytron.]
Ando: Oh good lord...
[ Phil stands up, bobbing to the music, and begins to take off his black jack dealer costume.]
Blauer: Are you people ready to PHIL D. VIBES!!?!?!
[Phil strips down to a wrestling singlet with the KESQ logo and puts on a rastafarian hat/wig.]
Blauer: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Ando: Phil is dressed like a jackass.
[ Phil stands up on the announce table and attempts to leap on to another one, but he forgets to take his head set off. Blauer gets tugged back like on a leash and slips off his feet. He crashes through the table closest to the announcers. The fans explode in cheers.]
Sollie: And Phil has just managed to throw him self through a table before even entering the ring.
Ando: The best part is he hasn't even been eliminated yet.
[ Phil writhes around the ground in pain and wails like a dying whale.]
Ando: This is just pathetic.
Sollie: The competitors, the real ones, are using these two minutes to try to regain some energy.
[The men in the ring breath heavily on the mat as Phil flails wildly for help.]
Sollie: Blauer signaling to Del La O, are bell ringer, for help.
[The bell ringer comes over and tries to list Phil up, but the color commentator weights too much. O waves over some ring crew, who also struggle to lift a whining Phil.]
Sollie: James Fierce is now emerging from his tent!
[Fierce starts to berate the HKW employees for not being strong enough to lift Phil. He picks up the commentator.]
Sollie: James Fierce loving rolls Blauer into the ring and then returns to his tent.
[ Slowly Phil rises to his feet and starts to laugh at the broken men in the ring.]
Sollie: Phil seems to be quite pleased with the current state of the competition within the ring.
Ando: He couldn't beat any of these men on their worst day.
[ Phil puffs himself up like a bully and stomps over to the downed Masquerade.]
Ando: Like the true competitor he is, Phil now targets the smallest man.
[Laughing Blauer picks the luchador up by the mask.]
Sollie: My commentary partner has lifted Masquerade, but the luchador floats over. Phil has no clue what is happening.
[ Masquerade slithers around Blauer's elbow before slamming them both to the mat. The Brazilian contorts Phil into a hold!]
Sollie: Crosse face! Masquerade has locked in a cripple cross face.
[Blauer squeals like a pig as tears pour down his face. The fans cheer wildly.]
Ando: Phil should have listened to his own advice!
[Blauer taps the canvas like a mad man. He looks to the ref to stop it.]
Sollie: Phil is tapping out, but you can't lose the match this way. Ron is trying to explain to Phil the rules.
Ando: Rules the color commentator should know.
[Phil is bright red and blubbering like a baby.]
Sollie: Phil needs to get to the bottom rope.
Ando: That isn't going to happen.
[ Phil looks like he's about to explode when suddenly Masquerade hops off him, disgusted.]
Sollie: The luchador released the hold?
Ando: Phil wet himself.
Sollie: Oh, wow....
[Masquerade slumps back over in the corner and catches his breath. Phil, grabs hold of the rope and tries to stagger to his feet.]
Sollie: Phil calls for a microphone, tears still flowing freely.
Blauer: I...uh...I...just decided something. I don't want to wrestle any of these weak, exhausted guys. Give me someone fresh to fight. Yeah...uh...start that clock thing!
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
[ “Full Circle” by Drowning Pool plays as the FCW logo appears on the screen. A stocky, middle age man struts out.]
Sollie: Wait a minute! That is Nicholas Parsons! The former color commentator of FCW!
Ando: Nicholas is wearing grey sweat pants and a matching hoodie. He also wears high socks over them which is a fashion no no. He completes this ensemble with ratty, old sneakers.
[ Nicholas runs down the ramp as Jasper Locke sarcastically cheers him on. Nick slides in the ring and gets in Phil's face.]
sollie: Phil looks as if he has seen a ghost.
[Blauer mouths “why?” to Nick. The FCW man points to the empty color commentator seat and grins.]
Sollie: It looks like the unemployed Nicholas wants Phil's gig.
Ando: This is a lose lose situation for us.
[The two idiots get in each other faces and start snarling. ]
Sollie: Clash of the titans.
[ Blauer suddenly grabs Parsons hair and the FCW man starts flailing open handed slaps and whining.]
Ando: There aren't words for how bad this is.
[The fans begin to rain down boos and throw garbage as the two color commentators roll around like sissies.]
Sollie: Well, this is um...
Andi: A cat fight?
[ Phil is getting his face scratched, but he refuses to let go of Nick's hair.]
Sollie: I apologize to all the fans for this, whatever this is.
Ando: Two overweight, sweaty men roll around on each other and fighting like middle school girls?
[ Nick rolls on top and starts to weakly open hand slap, Phil. Parsons then stands up and cheers.]
Sollie: Nicholas showboats, but watch out!
[ Phil raises his leg and nails the FCW man directly in the nuts. The fans boo even louder.]
Sollie: I don't think this even merits commentary.
[ Parson clutches his groin and bends over as Blauer scurries to his feet. Phil twists his rivals arm around and then eyes the corner evily.]
Sollie: Oh dear, what does Phil have planned?
Ando: And how poorly will he perform it?
[ Phil cups his mouth with his free hand and shouts.]
Blauer: OLD SCHOOL! WOOO!
Sollie: Sweet. Merciful, baby jesus....
Ando: He isn't going to...
[Phil drags a crying Nicholas over to the corner and takes a good amount of time managing to climb to the top.]
Ando: Phil is the stupidest person on the planet.
Blauer: I'm coming for that Ass, Natalie! OLD SCHOOL! WOO!
[ Phil steps one foot on to the top rope and stumbles over. He flips through a table and hits the arena floor. The fans cheer like mad men.]
Sollie: Phil has sent himself through a table for the second time today!
Ando: Mercifully, this time it eliminates him.
[ Phil's fall had pulled Nicholas half way over the top rope. The FCW commentator clings to the ropes as they bounce around. He screams for his life.]
Ando: Parsons is like a scared kid on a roller coaster.
Sollie: He manages to get his body weight shifted back towards the ring, though.
[ Nicholas lands safely in the ring and instantly starts celebrating. He grabs the microphone.]
Parsons: Did you all see that? Did you all see me eliminate that baboon of a color commentator? I'm taking his job and I'm getting Burrow's ass. This is the best night of my life. Send out the next wrestler! What chump wants to tango with NP?
Fans: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
Sollie: We've reached the halfway point! Here is the 15th entrant!
[ Is Dexter ill? Is Dexter ill? Is Dexter ill Is Dexter ill today?
Mr Kirk, Dexter's in school!
I'm afraid he's not, Miss Fishborne. Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand. The Baltimore County school board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system!
Oh Mr. Kirk, I'm as upset as you to learn of Dexter's truancy. But surely, expulsion is not the answer!
I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer. It's the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane…*echo*….insane….insane….insane….
On the main screen is a grainy image of an old television test screen. After the initial dialogue the sound slips into “Frontier Psychiatrist” by The Avalanches. As the offbeat tune picks up, the test screen fades and is instead replaced with a series of Rorschach ink blots. Each panel of ink blots at first looks innocuous, but soon slithers into the shadowy outlines of terrible scenes: a knife going through a head, a body with entrails spilling out before it, a bisected human torso, a figure whose face appears to be slipping off. Interspersed with the morphing inkblot tests are other images of rats flitting about in sewers and pictures of pleasant “whitebread” 1950’s families whose members have no faces. The white lights are now accompanied by small red lights panning all over the arena that look like droplets of blood in contrasts with the white lights.
The Engineer steps to the top of the ramp, his head ticking back and forth as he shoots the crowd paranoid, nervous glares and mutters to himself. The FCW world championship hangs loosely in his hand, and he almost drags it along like a child dragging a teddy bear.]
Sollie: The Engineer has arrived! God have mercy on those men in the ring.
[ Parsons runs towards the opposite sides ropes and bounce off building momentum. He run back towards the announcers table and leaps over the top rope. The FCW man swan dives through a table and the fans cheer the self elimination.]
Ando: Parsons has thrown himself out of this match. He wants nothing to do with his best friend, Engy.
Sollie: None of the wrestlers do!
[ Jasper Locke and his janitors scurry off the ramp and hide from the FCW Champion. James Fierce grabs his junk food and scurries back into the tent. The wounded and exhausted men in the ring even manage to get in defensive stances.]
Sollie: No one wants a piece of this lunatic.
[Smiling The Engineer walks across the tables at ring side. He finds Nicholas Parsons and sits on top of him, petting the terrified mans hair.]
Ando: The Engineer wears hobo like clothing. He also appears quite filthy.]
[The four men in the ring stagger to their feet and look out at The Engineer. The FCW Champion smiles and stands up. He approaches the ring.]
Sollie: Things are about to get ugly!