D-Class Netbattler
Group: Members
Posts: 71
Member No.: 91
Joined: 31-May 08
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Meh, couldn't think of a name for it... Anyways this is just stuff I've wrote and actually decided to keep... Some are stories, some are lame attempts at poetry, and some are just random thoughts of insanity. Anyone who actually bothers to read any of it, be sure to comment. :3
Oh, and I'll try to keep them divided well enough. (Oh and I'll keep them chronological, starting at November 6, 2008 and ending at February 7, 2009)
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Lies
The world is filled with lies...
all meant to cover the truth...
Everyone lies...
Is there really a difference anymore?
Does it really matter?...
I have been cursed with a lie...
I have no choice...
My inside self reflects who I am
My outside me reflects my shadow...
My outside is who I used to be...
My inside is who I am...
To most, my life is a lie...
Because they only see the outside...
On the inside I am dark... and in constant pain...
On the outside I am quiet... even shy looking...
My insides scream!
My outside says nothing...
My outside -is- nothing.
My body, the outside me, is not me, it is a lie,
a reflection of what I was and shall never be again.
I wish I could tell everyone the truth,
and be who I am on the inside, on the outside,
let people see me for who I am...
But my life is a lie,
and no one ever accepts the truth.
On the outside I wear lighter colors,
On the inside, pitch black, to represent me.
I am dark, I am in pain.
I am crazy, even insane.
I am a lier who wants to tell the truth as what it is.
But is just isn't possible...
I am a lie, I live a lie,
No one knows what goes on in my head...
No one could possibly know...
and no one cares...
My mind lets the pain out...
as a physical manifestation of the emotional...
Some see it, most don't, and no one cares...
The world is a lie,my life is a lie,
existance is an endless chain of lies...
The truth will never be known.
I am a monster, on the inside I am simply a tortured monster...
I am trapped within my own mind...
My outside is an empty shell...
Just a shell...
a lie...
of my existance...
Those who get to know me don't know
Those who get too close get hurt
People who care cause pain
When people care about me, I care about them...
This is not a lie, although sometimes I wish it was...
People who observe from afar only see the lie...
People who get to know the real me,
the inside me, get hurt...
Lying is not good...
But the truth can be as bad...
How does one decide?,
when one is just as painful as the other?
To oneself or to ones oneself cares about?
How does one decide...?
The lie, painful to oneself but keeps others in the dark...
Or the truth, which is also painful, but for everyone...
The world is an endless chain of lies...
That is the truth... or is it?
If everyone saw me for who I am,
they would be disgusted...
The more you lie, the harder things get...
The more you tell the truth, the more people that will hate you for it...
Which do I choose?
Bright and uncaring or dark and in pain?
The past or the present?
The lie or the truth?
No one would like the real me...
No one would accept the fact that I'm different...
No one would understand that I cut myself to relieve emotional pain...
No one would believe that I drink my own blood for pure pleasure...
No one would enjoy the truth.
And maybe I don't care.
I am tired of living a lie,
I want people who see me and people who know me to see the same thing...
But I don't know how.
Physical scars can go away.
Emotional scars are forever.
I have been wounded, forever, in my mind.
I have control over my emotions,
but none on my mind.
I rarely lose control...
but I do feel the pressure...
I want to KILL everyone...
Watch their face drain of color...
Let them watch as I drink their blood...
Let them see just how much I hate them.
Some... I would do this slowly... let them know how I feel...
The pain they cause me...
I can't say I would enjoy it...
Drinking their dirty blood...
I can only think of one person who's blood I would enjoy,
and I wouldn't hurt that person in any way...
Maybe I am crazy, insane, demented, or even a bloodfetishist...
Some call me emo, others call me retarded...
I am me.
The people I can't reach I love,
the people I can reach I can't love...
The forbidden fruit is always the most tempting...
Those I know but have not seen are heavenly to me...
Those I live around I would as soon kill...
The ones around me drive me nuts...
The ones I can't touch I could spend eternity with...
This is the truth of who I am,
I am a lie with a filling of truth...
Few crack the shell,
Fewer still stick around afterwards...
I am not who I was,
I was who I appear to be,
I am what I became,
as the result of a blow,
both emotional and mental.
I shall never be the same.
I have moved on from this,
but that wound will always be a part of me,
and I a part of it.
It haunts me in my dreams...
I no longer have the feelings that I used to,
and I never will again.
Those feelings died with me.
Some things cannot be undone,
and even fewer forgotten.
I am living a lie,
born a lie and always a lie,
This is the painful truth...
I am me.
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Strawberry
You are my rose, my Strawberry,
The highlight of my day and life.
You are my life, and it belongs to you.
Your voice is a beautiful requiem,
that silences the discord of my heart.
Your face is so stunning, I am paralyzed.
I want to hold you forever in a tight embrace,
and never let go.
I want to feel the cool softness of your skin,
and smell the scent of the heavens.
I want to taste your blood, the elixir of life and love.
I will carve my heart out for you,
I would bleed for you, so that you may suck me dry,
I would die for you, if you would live for me,
I want to be there for you, always.
I will wait for you, I have no choice,
I will wait, forever or longer,
until dreams become reality.
Even as I go insane,
Nothing can stop me from waiting,
Forever. Eternity. Aeons.
I love you...
So much I want to sing,
So much I want to cry.
So much you must kill me now.
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Dreams
I walked into my room and she was laying on my bed with her throat cut open, the knife still in her hands and blood all over her... I stared in shock, then denied what had happened and attempted to wake her up, upon realizing she really was dead I started to cry, then I took the knife from her hands and cut my own throat open. I felt the life fade from myself, still crying, I woke up.
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We were talking... and she said she was tired of living and she wanted to sleep forever... I begged and pleaded her not to do it but she did it anyways... she took the knife and let the blood flow from her neck... I did the same...
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I was talking to her... and she took an extreme overdose of something... I'm sitting there screaming no! and crying my eyes out... I knew there was nothing I could do at that point but wait and hope...
Hope ran out first... then time... it was over
For both of us.
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I was at school, not the same school I know and visit daily, but a school all the same. The day went by in a blur, and as I was waiting for my ride, I started messin around and wandering aimlessly. Well I did something I shouldn't have (not sure what) and got in trouble... I had to go sit in the library... well I got my foot hung in something and my arm and lanyard hung on something else... I struggled and got my foot free, but no matter which I pulled on, my head or my arm, the lanyard got tighter and tighter... I felt my life fade as I lost consciousness and she was still in my mind as I hung myself.
~Side note: I experimented, and oddly enough, the whole hanging ina dream feels a hella lot worse than it does in real life.
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I want~
I have never wanted anything so badly... I love her so much...
I want to be able to hug her, and hold her close
I want to be able to cuddle with her, never let it end
I want to be able to sleep with her, for eternity
I want to be kiss her, oh how sweet the taste
I want to taste her blood, I long for all night and day
I want to smell her hair,
I want to taste her breath
I want to feel the warmth of her skin, and the softness of her skin
I want to be able to talk to her, and not care about whats going on around me
I want to hold her hand and never let go
I want to gaze into her eyes and never look away,
I want to be with her forever..., but I want her to be happy too...
I never want to lose her, ever
Every night I cry because I miss her so,
Every day I feel like I'm being torn to pieces,
Every morning I realize she isn't there,
No matter how much I wish she was.
I love everything about her,
her eyes, her hair, her smile, her voice~ oh so sweet sounding
her face, her skin, how we are so much alike,
EVERYTHING.
And yet... no mater how much I long to be with her,
every day is the same,
I long for her,
and yet that longing still remains.
My life was nothing but a routine before her
Now it is nothing except her.
I was not even able to be considered alive...
Now I live for her, and her alone.
I was all but an empty shell before I met her,
She has filled that shell, made me whole again.
If I lose her forever, I may be more than just dead on the inside,
and that will certainly be forever.
Life used to hold no meaning for me, now she is the only meaning.
I've never wanted anything or anyone so badly... I've never felt this way before... if feels so good, and yet hurts so bad...
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I never want~
I never want you to be sad
I never want you to cry
I never want you to be in pain
I never want you to be afraid
I never want you to feel alone
I never want you to suffer
I never want you to feel unloved
I never want you to be uncomfortable
I never want you to feel left out
I never want you to feel out of place
I never want anything bad to happen to you
I never want to lose you
I never want to be away from you
I never want to be unable to protect you
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At night I sleep, all day I weep.
The darkness creeps and my blood seeps,
as I wait for death to reap.
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The Darkness~
The darkness follows me,
watches me,
stalks me.
The darkness loves me,
cares for me,
defends me.
The darkness opposes me,
hinders me,
crushes me.
The darkness is blind,
thinks it is light,
thinks it is good.
The darkness has a name.
Mom.
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The Voices~
The voices, they are everywhere,
Yet they are nowhere.
They are all around me,
surround me,
they have tremendous presence,
they never silence,
they drown out my thoughts,
and distract me.
Each voice has its own face,
though I do not see it.
Each its own voice,
though I do not hear it.
They always sound,
yet I do not understand.
The voices haunt me,
taunt me.
Some try and control me,
others try and crush me.
The voices, the aren't in my head,
in my minds eye.
They exist all around me,
each voice trying to be heard,
so loud they run together,
so many...
The voices,
are the people around me.
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Requiem
Your voice is beautiful;
so sweet; so gentle,
like an angel whispering
or a harp in play.
The only voice I hear
and the only song I listen to.
Your voice is so glorious,
and so caring.
It is the purest song,
a requiem for the dead.
The requiem of resurrection;
for I have be born anew,
by the song of an angel.
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Dark vs. Light and Soulsong
Dark Versus Light
Two forces
Two people
fighting for me,
for my love
and for my life.
The darkness,
composed of light,
purifying love,
mutual affection too.
The light,
composed of darkness,
controlling power
and a corrupting aura.
Two forces,
two people,
fighting for me.
One will win,
one will lose.
Now who is who?
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Soulsong
Past and present both agree,
when you meet your other half,
thing mind, body, heart, and soul
cry out for one another
and long to be together of eternity.
Such feeling is the most powerful force in the universe,
it cannot be contained within song or verse.
Love in its purest form,
tis the most wonderful emotion,
or the most painful.
Two parts, has the heart,
a lock, and a key.
The key doesn't unlike thine own,
but unlocks the heart of thine other half,
who's key unlocks yours.
Crying out for each other,
with such fierce intensity.
Keeping each other happy and warm.
Having a reason to live.
This is the power of love.
But, were it so easy
to describe or endure
many would have done just so.
But because it is painful and treacherous,
few dare to tread this path.
And fewer still survive.
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Fear
Every night, I fear the time when we must part ways once again for sleep. I fear that we may never find each other again, and that good night's goodbye might be the last.
Every morning I wake up in terror, afraid you won't be there when I wake up.
Every day is spent in worry. Worry that you won't be there when I wake up, or when I come home. Fear, terror, and horror.
I fear, one day, you may disappear.
And never come back.
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I'm so sorry...
I'm so worried about you... there are so many things I wish I could do for you, but all I can do is worry. Its all I can do... I'm so helpless...
Sorry... I know I promised not to worry... but I can't help it. Its all I can do...
Helpless...
Robbu... Robyn... Robbu-chan... sweetie... dear... love...
love... love love love love love love love
repeating a million times in my head.
I'm so sorry... my worry makes you worry... I'm causing you pain...
My worry about your pain produces my own pain... which in turns gives you more worry and pain...
I'm sooo sorry... I'm terrible... I shouldn't be forgiven. Not by myself, not by you, not even god. I'm too horrible to be forgiven.
Worry... paranoia... horror, terror, fright, nightmares, fear.
An unfathomable fear for so many things.
You hold my entire being in your hands.
Causing you pain... unforgivable. I don't deserve forgiveness. I'm just as bad as everyone else.
I'm hurting you... kill me now. I can't bare it... You should destroy me, tear me apart. I'm nothing but a monster. I'm no hero, I AM the bad guy. I'm not your knight, I'm the evil that the knight fights... I have to be... only evil could cause you such pain...
I'm a disgrace as a person, I'm a disgrace to my gender. I wish I could be something completely innocent. A kitty... or a girl... innocence in its purest form, but no, I'm stuck being the evil. I'm stuck being that which I detest.
Kill me. Destroy me. Its what I deserve, and you're the only one who can.
I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm impure. You are perfect in every aspect and I'm not worthy of even gazing at your presence. I don't deserve you and I should be struck down... I may be helping some things... but I'm making others worse.. I can never be forgiven.
If not for you I'd be starving myself, hurting myself, not sleeping, and possibly dead... You're the best thing to ever come into my life, if you leave... I'll follow.
I hate being as big as I am.... I wish I was as small as I feel...
I want to fade away... so many words, so many lies, so many truths... hard to distinguish between them.
I feel my will and life fading... but you keep me here.
You keep me from fading, you keep me alive.
Without you, I'd turn to dust and blow away.
Unfortunately, if you read this... it will do exactly what I never want to do, and hate myself for doing... It will hurt you... and all I can do is beg forgiveness that I shouldn't recieve.
I'm so sorry... so sorry...
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forgiveness
I'm nothing but a greedy bastard.
Sure, my feelings are loaded with love, there is a layer of greed...
I never want to love her = greed
I never want anyone else to have her = greed
I never want anyone to touch her = greed
Greed greed greed greed greed GREED!
And... I'm hurting people... everyone I care about, and who care about me. I hurt them so much. I let them inside my shell. I need to make a new one, and never let them in. To protect them. I care bare it anymore, hurting them so much... Anyone who gets too close and can feel me, the get hurt... I want to protect them....
So many promises made, so many to keep.
I want your name forever etched into my body.
I want to stop eating.
I want to stop sleeping.
I want to disappear.
Maybe then there would be no way for me to hurt you...
I want to be perfect for you, but as long as I hurt you, I'm failing.
I can't bring myself to disappear though, leaving you is unthinkable...
I can't break my promises because then you would do the same...
I feel helpless and trapped. My heart cries out in torment. I'm breaking, falling apart...
Please, hold me together... and please forgive me...
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The Song of Resonating
The Song of Resonating,
Tis not a song composed of sound, rhythm, or tone.
It is simply a feeling.
To describe such a feeling is to describe the feeling of love.
The feeling of two hearts resonating,
Two hearts calling out for each other,
and two hearts beating in synch.
The feeling, it is not painful.
It is like the bass guitar at a rock concert.
A powerful tug at your heart.
Yet there is still not sound, only feeling.
The song, it is very captivating.
Once you hear it, it is forever engraved in your heart.
It is truly the most beautiful song in the world.
The song has words, or so I hear.
The words are generated by one's heart.
All I hear is "Robyn and love"
But still, the sound escapes me.
This feeling is not painful,
but rather it is very pleasant,
like two distant beings becoming one,
at heart and soul.
And truly resonating.
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Bubba's Diary
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