Joke thread, YOUR decent (and shitty) jokes

Everyone gets those forwarded joke emails. Post the decent ones HERE.

Not the entire email, dumbass...just the joke.

I've been waiting a while for the right one to post, and I think I have it here:




Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder
and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't
see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him.

Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his
voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would
you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large
thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years
later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked
over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull
elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then
put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly, the elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back
and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: BRILLIANT BLONDE?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
> plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
> $32,000 milestone money. And, as she suspected, the million-dollar
> question was no pushover.
>
> Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest?
> but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>
> A .The condor
>
> B. The buzzard
>
> C. The cuckoo
>
> D. The vulture
>
> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make
> matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll
> Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the
> woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly
> because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a
blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and
gave her the
> question and the four choices.
>
> The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
> The cuckoo."
>
> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
> considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
> except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her
> friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On
> the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
> certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
>
> "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant
> said, "C: The cuckoo."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>
> Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that
> answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
>
> Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
> friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million
> dollars.
>
> "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
> "Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a
> millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
> with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your
> choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
>
> "Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
> build nests. They live in clocks."

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


"You gotta be kiddin' me."


"No, would you like to give it a try?"


Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"


He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day, is it cupcake?"

HER FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope cont aining a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f---king sheet rock ..."

>> A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
>>He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the
>>second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in
>>one when his cell phone rang.
>>
>> It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in
>>a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
>>
>> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and
>>that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he
>>realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever
>>round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before
>>heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He
>>finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club
>>record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more
>>than
>> 10.
>>
>> He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty
>>he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and
>>asked about his wife's condition.
>>
>> The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and
>>finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of
>>yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
>>yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the
>>ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round
>>because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her
>>life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care
>>giver!"
>>
>> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
>>
>> The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!
>>
>> She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

Guy walks into his bedroom holding a sheep under his arms.
He looks at his wife and says:
"I just wanted to show you the pig I've been fucking all these years."
His wife says: "That's not a pig."
His reply: " I wasn't talking to you."






*rimshot*

*bump* (so this can override the "DWB" post)

Old one, but it still makes the rounds:


A woman walked into a bar and as she was drinking, she noticed a man sitting at the end of the bar, looking very despondent. So she went over and asked him what was wrong.

"I was married for twenty years," he said, "And tonight my wife walked out on me, saying she could no longer handle my desire for kinky sex."

"What a coincidence," she said, "My husband left me for the same reason. Let’s go back to my place and see what happens."

When they got back to her place, she went into the bedroom and laid out the dildos, the whips, the fuck-me underwear. When she went back to the living room, the man was just leaving.

"What happened?" she asked, "I thought we were going to have kinky sex."

He said, "Hey, I fucked your dog, and shit in your purse. I’m good."

An oldie but a goodie:


This couple go on a safari thru the rain forest and their guide is showing them the sights and stuff.....
and the whole time, off in the background, there is the low rumble of bongo drums, keeping a steady beat
The guy and his wife start to wonder about this after a while and ask their guide:
"What's the deal with the drums?"
The guide goes:
"Drums beat: Good."
"Drums stop: Bad."
and he starts off again
They look at each other with a confused look, but shrug their shoulders and follow him
They camp out for the night, get up the next day, and start up again
Halfway thru the day, he askes the guide again:
"Dude, what's the deal with the drums?"
Again, the guide replies:
"Drums beat: Good."
"Drums stop: Bad."
and he starts off again......
They still don't get it, but follow him anyway.
The next day, which is their last day of the safari, it's mid-afternoon again
and the drums are still beating
the guy can't take it anymore
He stops the guide, and says: "Listen here, we HAVE to know why those drums go on and on!"
The guide sighs, and his shoulders drop, and he sez:
"Drums beat: Good."
"Drums stop:..................
bass solo."

An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:


#1 CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
#2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
#3 HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving

drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the #3?"


"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"