Critiques for In My Eyes, Critiques for In My Eyes The Fall Of Tro

My apologies, RR, for editing your post, but the dratted "merge" function organizes by date posted.

"In My Eyes"



Could you try and space it out a little more???? It might make it easier to read...thanks...

Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to remember that for the next chapter too. Try now, and I also noticed some odd tences especially at the begining which I corrected, I think it flows better now.

I don't know what to say other than that I liked this and am looking forward to more.

Troy was a silly movie. Homer totally pwns whoever the moron is that directed it. That said, I think this could stand apart from the movie, if you just take some liberty with the actual Iliad.

There are a couple of sentences that are weird, and some of the words you use just don't fit in with the mood, like the word "dolt". The pacing is pretty good, the settings a little vague, but since it's someone remembering events it isn't such a big deal.

And, in that first paragraph.... "Greek feet". Say that to yourself. Does that not sound terrifically silly? "Greek feet". LOL! *amused*

"They came for her; the Spartan queen, now a Trojan princess; whom my cousin Paris charmed away from her husband."
--no semicolons.

Dashes are — or --. See the article I wrote for more details.

Watch your verb tense—you switch from past into present in a few places.

It's a much better than what I've seen before from you; please don't take offense if I confess surprise.

Waiting for more… and were you planning to have a critique thread for this?

-Misti

Here we go. The Critique thread is open. The first chapter has been edited taking into consideration all of your advice and the second chapter has been posted for review.

PatriotBlade
---------]---0

…And I've made some modifications to RR's first post, here, merging into the critique thread. Enjoy.

-'Dee

My comment about the semicolon was just one of your errors with it; you might want to review how it's used. I do see that you're trying to tweak what you already know about it to use it the way you are, and that I do applaud.

Nice scene development (I'm getting curious about the movie, now), and pretty good with the quotation mark rules except in cases like:

The "continued" has to do with how the statement's said, so it's part of the same sentence. It should be:

-Misti

Thanks. It's edited now. I have this thing where I hit the shift key and when I reread, I can't believe I did that and try to fix them. I must have missed that one.

It will be a day or two before I can get the third chapter up becaused of my work schedual.

P.S. Misti, if you want to see it, call our mutual friend and we can work something out because I have it.

Ty, PB, but I don't think my parents would approve. Thanks, though.

Cerri is also a member, here, though she hasn't been around in some time.

-Misti

You had to end it there didn't you? Really absorb the person in and end it right before... well, anyway I am enjoying your story very much (this is making me want to watch the movie again). There are a few errors I feel I should report on, just small gramatical stuff. Like:

Improper use of a semicolon.

"Blood shed" would be better.

Muwha-ha-ha-ha! Okay. I'll stop being evil now and post the fourth chapter.

Thanks for pointing out that typo, but I desided to leave the word order because it sounded more formal and we are dealing with a princess here.

Then I'd have "shed of blood." It sounds better to me that way at least.

Personally, I like "shed blood" as it is, but that's me.

Should be "past", not "passed". Technically, putting the punctuation outside the quotation marks is incorrect, though you can see that I personally prefer them outside, myself.

There isn't an exception to the crude language rule: b— is being used improperly and therefore should be changed. I realize you're quoting the movie, but there is such thing as indirect dialogue.

I'd prefer that you adjust w— as well, but I have seen/heard that use in such places as a Rich Mullins song, so that can stay.

(Chapter 4) "untilhe'd" is missing the space.

…[blinks] I'm beginning to wonder how much sense the movie actually made.

My appologies, Misti for not thinking of temporary edits of those two words for the boards.

Edits are done and the next chapter is up. Three more to go, then I will stop torturing you kind folks with my scratchings.

It's not a bad story at all... at least I don't think so. I gotta say, that whenever you end the chapter you always leave me wanting more, which is a good thing, or perhaps it is just because I know what's going to happen and am curious how you will portray it.

Thanks for the input. I've been without a computer for a while, other than e-mail if I went to the liberary, but now that my roommate's computer has a new power cord I can finish this. I'll try to put up a new chapter in a day or two. I'm still trying to catch up on everything. *sigh*

Chapter 6 is up for review! I guess that means I'm back for now.

I like what I've read. Though, I believe that in the film, Briseis stays at the pyre with Achilles that night... it's been awhile since I've seen it, though, so I don't know.

Actually they don't show one way or the other, except for Achilles, and judging by his temperment and mood, I thought it would work better if she was a little afraid of him until the scene where she comes running from who knows where and begs him not to go. Thanks for the reviews!

Well, I guess I'l go a head and post the last chapters and get this over with. Well, off I go to do it...

Good ending to a good story. I quite enjoyed it, I must say. I gotta definitely agree with that final line, though. It is quite true.

Thank you. It's nice to know people have actually enjoyed my scratchings.
Sorry I had to spring the last of it up like that, but its not being finished so to speak was effecting the rest of my writing. Maybe I can actually finish another tale soon.