Degrassi: The 3rd Generation

[Cacie Cameron]

She heard him start singing and let out a small chuckle. Normally she would've burst into actual laughing but right now, not the best time. Not when she was about to spill her heart and soul, not to mention her thoughts, out to Cameron. Again. She had spilled so much to him that it was a wonder that she hadn't killed him. Just to keep herself safe from being found out. Now there's an idea... An insanely bad idea Acacia Maria Lynn Cameron! She looked over at him, watching him stare at the ceiling and a small frown graced her face.

Why couldn't she just allow herself to have those feelings for him? They were there but she wouldn't let herself have them. She couldn't let herself feel them. She heard him make his decision, telling her to just tell him what was on her mind.

She took her hand from its spot in his and used it to perch her head so she could look into his eyes. Sure this was probably a bad way to have this conversation, the cold floor in a dorm while completely nude, but hell, like she and Cameron Michalchuk had ever done anything right in their entire lives.

"I was thinking..." Now's your time to back out. You don't have to -- Just shut up already. He can handle hearing what you're thinking! "IwasthinkingthatIcan'tdothisanymore." It came out rushed, in one solid breath. She bit her bottom lip and tried again. At a human speed. "Sorry... I was thinking that I can't do this anymore. This no strings thing. But we can't... I can't have strings." She wasn't blaming this on him.

[Cam Michalchuk]

Cameron's singing humming craziness after Cacie sat up and looked at him. He figured she was requesting his attention, or something like that. He finished his hum on the final chord of the song and gave all of his attention to Cacie. Something in her eyes told him to hum again, to hum his fucking life away. But he couldn't just ignore the strange intensity that he saw in her eyes. For some reason the idea of being hurt actually made him want to listen even more.

Dear Lord, am I a masochist?! The thought startled Cam but what startled him more were the words that came out of Cacie's mouth. So NOW she had strings? He wanted to scream, truly he did, but he didn't. Instead he screamed in his mind and suddenly he wished that he'd gone to the next track of the song instead of listening. Why did he always do this to himself? It was true that part of himself hoped that the intensity in her eyes meant that she was going to say something more along the lines of something... good, for him anyway, not this.

"Oh... kay," What was he really going to say to that? What could he say to that? He had a feeling something like 'I haven't done this without strings ever, Cacie!' sounded good, and it sounded so damn good that he was going to use it. "But Cacie... you should know that I've been doing this with strings for a damn long time," So the words didn't come out with the power Cameron was hoping for. They came out dull, almost monotone. They weren't going to effect her and that was mainly because while they were true he didn't want to fight. Not tonight. Not tomorrow night. Not ever.

[Cacie Cameron]

He announced that he'd been doing it with strings for a long time. Part of her wanted to give into the butterflies in her stomach. The other half... the other half knew what would happen. The other half knew that the same things that happened with Christian would happen. She'd be lured in with a false sense of security only to have an anvil drop down on her heart when reality hit. And she couldn't have that.

She laid back down, hands under her head careful to not touch Cam as much as possible. Just trying to isolate herself without being truly alone. A special Cacie Cameron trick. She shook her head. "I know you've been doing it with strings for a long time and I wish I had that kind of freedom. But you know better than anyone that I can't put myself there again. I can't... I won't... be hurt like that for the millionth time. Ben, Christian... I can't hate you the way I hate them and face it, that's all lo-- strings do."

[Cam Michalchuk]

Cameron shook his head at Cacie and he sat up but he didn't face Cacie's direction, he faced the other side of the room which is where his clothes happened to be. He listened to her speak as he pulled on her boxers and he sighed. He didn't care if she hated him forever, but he knew that she wouldn't have to. "Cacie..." He began still not facing her because he didn't know if he could face her and talk to her about this. He might break or something.

"I know that you think that I'm going to hurt you, its partly your own instinct, but I won't. And I really wish you would just trust me," Cam's voice was getting aggravated. They'd had this talk plenty of times before, more or less anyways, and he knew that it was basically coming down to trust. He didn't know why she wouldn't trust him about this. He really wouldn't hurt her. Not now, not ever. Because hurting Cacie would in turn hurt him.

[Cacie Cameron]

She grabbed her black and pink polka dotted bra and panties set and started to pull them on. She was right. This was not a conversation to be having in the nude. This was one that she needed to be fully clothed in in case she needed to escape. In case things got too intense. The way things always did. Things always got too intense when the heart was concerned but guys always drug the heart into it somehow when it was Cacie. Why can't they just think with the thing the heart pumps the blood to, not the thing that does the pumping... of the blood? Why am I the guy in all my guy/girl friendships!?!

She heard him say that he wouldn't hurt her and shook her head. "Thats what every guy says Cam. Everyone always says they won't hurt the other person involved and I guess I'm just a little cynical or something, but it doesn't change the fact that someone always gets hurt. And I don't want to get hurt and I sure as hell don't want to hurt you to the point to where we can't even talk... again." She didn't look at him while she said this. She wanted to look at him, but she couldn't. Because then he'd be able to see all those feelings that she couldn't hide. The feelings that scared her. Because a massive part of her was saying this not to protect herself, she realized, but to protect Cameron.

[Cam Michalchuk]

"Well you know Cacie, life is sort of about learning from your mistakes.. and you're not learning from them you're living with them like a burden!" Cameron had successfully pulled his pants on and now he was standing at the teensy window in his dorm room. He didn't want to look at Cacie because he had a feeling if she left he didn't want to see her leaving. "And I could really care less if I got hurt in the process or not, its something that I would learn to live with. Pain numbs, and I've gotten enough pain from you to know that it doesn't last long,"

So that didn't make sense to Cameron but for some reason he almost wanted to take it back. But was it really that bad? He couldn't comprehend what he was saying because he wasn't thinking about it... he was just talking. The whole 'think before you speak and think again' thing that people had been telling him since he was five had gone in one ear and out the other and it was sort of apparent right now.

[Cacie Cameron]

She heard him and whipped around to yell at his back... his very nice looking back... the back that she -- Stop fantasizing. Now is so not the time. She watched as he pulled on his pants. "Don't give me that shit. I learned from my mistakes and you know what I learned? I learned that falling in love gets you hurt!" She realized what she had said and blinked. She didn't mean to say it, didn't mean to use the L-Word. She really didn't mean to say anything about love.

She turned around before he could see her turning a hideous shade of red. She started to pull on her own pants, wrestling with pulling the tight pants over her frame. She looked down at them. Okay so I didn't get fat. The intruder from Wasaga's pants ended up in my drawer! Wait I fit anorexic bitch Barbie's pants... that's... not the point.

She fought with the button, sucking in a little and really wishing she could lay back down to put them on. But she didn't. She got them buttoned and thought of an appropriate answer for what he said. All the while examining how nice those pants made her butt look. Okay so I am a girl. I just think with my lack of penis. She sighed. "Maybe you don't care about you getting hurt but I do. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this dance where I end up hurting you and only end up getting hurt in the process when you decide that its too painful or awkward and you run away to rehab or California and just stop talking to me all together. That hurts too you know Cam!"

Now she was blaming him. Because otherwise, she'd jump into his arms, tears in her eyes, and announce that she did love him. And she couldn't love anyone. Ben and Christian proved that to her. She couldn't help it. She couldn't help not believing in love. Because Ben crushed her, Christian slaughtered her.

[Cam Michalchuk]

Cameron heard the frustration in Cacie's voice and instead of turning around and attempting to comfort her he focused on a car that was in the parking lot, yes thats right the wonderful view that Cameron had was of the school parking lot, as it pulled out. He really couldn't have cared what she was talking about but he felt himself twitch when he heard her speak. OK, so apparently going into whatever the hell it was called because of Cacie and then avoiding her so that he wouldn't fucking overdose didn't comprehend in her mind. He'd had it for the night.

"Get out," His voice was soft at first but he realized he might've said it too soft and so when he said it this time his voice was nearly booming. "Get. Out." You could hear the venom in his voice a mile away and he hadn't meant for it to come out like that... it just had. Dammit. You fucking idiot! He wanted to bang his head against his stupid brick wall, to take it back. But he couldn't damn the stupid space time continuum or whatever the hell it was that made it where he couldn't go back just a few seconds to stop himself from saying something stupid.

[Cacie Cameron]

Cacie was struggling to pull her teeshirt over her sex hair when she heard Cameron tell her to get out. She didn't expect that. She didn't expect him to tell her to leave. She didn't expect herself to feel the heat of tears falling down her face. Once again, sex had caused the two of them to fight. It always did. Sex or feelings, this time both. She didn't know why but it always happened. There were no innocent kisses with them and there was no happy ending when it came to sex.

She slid on her shoes and started towards the door, but not before turning around to look at his back. "You're the one that wanted to know what I was thinking. Its not my fault if you can't stand actually hearing the truth Cameron Michalchuk." She wasn't used to this. She wasn't used to being the one kicked out, the one told to leave. She was always the one running. But she wasn't going to fight it. Because her fight or flight instinct was broken, and it was permantently stuck on flight. So she walked out, slamming the door shut. She leaned up against the wall directly outside his door, buried her face in her hands, and just let it out, all the tears and rage that she had inside of her.

Later, she'd let the rest of it out in the form of blood, but right then she just needed to cry for a few seconds. Maybe minutes, she could never tell. But when the body shaking sobs, silent sobs, died down, she walked calmly out of the dorm, painted smile on her face until she reached her car and drove away. She could still see Cameron in his window.